Is He Looking Back At His Past?

The child support is late, but it's getting better....he is finally trying to make it up by paying a little extra on this month and the next and I hope that he continues. Our phone conversations are "of no more" these days but I have heard from him twice, to let me know about the extra on the child support.  He always ends his phone calls with an "I love you, doll" but it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. And for me to say that, well, it's a miracle because I NEVER thought I would get over him or get over loving him.....but I have moved on past this and I am doing fine. He called and made plans to come and see his daughter, and as much as she HATED waiting on him for that one long hour, it's only because he has made her wait SOOOO many times being a no-show....but this time, he came. Is is that he is FINALLY starting to see what he messed up? It's been YEARS now and I am wondering if he ever looks back to see what HE could have done to make things better, but then again, maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. I think he is still the same old man, just maybe wishing that he never got caught  cheating.

Another Holiday Season ......

Here I sit, so close to Christmas, with Thanksgiving already passed,  now feeling  so much stronger. Long gone are the days that I have to worry about Christmas coming and him  only participating  just enough to get by...another reason for my happiness, is that I don't have to wonder how he's going to treat me or my friends for that's over, it's done and I am happy that I am on this side of that horrible journey. Going through infidelity is really one of the hardest things in life.  Now that I am on this side of it, you are probably wondering what I have learned from all of it.....well, I feel that I have learned that I really AM worth being treated good. I deserve MUCH better than what he gave me, and that not all men out there are cheaters.....We all see how our society seems to see marriage as living happily ever after and having that little house and white picket fence. Does it exist? Perhaps for some, it really does. 

Is There Really Anybody Out There Who Lasts In Marriage Anymore?

Honestly, through the news media, tv and radio, all I hear these days are about couples who just don't make it. And there's sooooooo many of them that end because of infidelity. What's with it these days? What ever happened to marriage that lasts til death do us part? Does it even exist anymore? My parents divorced when I was a young was I destined to be in a failed marriage? I am wondering because I have been through more than one. Do we learn from our parents? Or is it because of society today being more accepting of failed marriages that just don't work out? Do we often jump into marriage before we are actually ready?  Oh, so many questions with so few answers.

Why Do We Always Remember The Good, And Sometimes Forget The Bad?

I look back at my past relationship and for a long time, I wanted it to work so badly, that there were times that he hurt my feelings terribly, and I would eventually go back with him, forgive him and all of a sudden, I was missing the "good" in us and not focusing so much on the "bad". Why do our minds let go of the bad when they cheat on us? Or perhaps it's not our minds, but our hearts that are taking over. I believe that there are many times when our hearts want one thing, and our minds want something totally different. Love can be so hard sometimes. I am very glad that I was strong enough to walk away, especially after having it happen over and over would have never stopped. He was just way too interested in having more than one woman. I look back now and wonder why I put up with it for such a long time.  I know that it had to have been my heart holding on for so long, because my mind knew better, but the heart won out for it seems like forever. Today I am happy and a much stronger woman. Being in love is wonderful, but when you start getting cheated on, your life just seems to fall apart. Onward and Upward for me.....and have I forgotten the bad that he put me through?  No, but it has faded more back into the memory bank and today I am thankful for having been able to finally move on.

Cheating, Cheating, Cheating.....

What's up with all this stuff in the news and it's always about someone cheating on their spouse or loved one.  Why is that?  What seems to be going on with people who just can't seem to find happiness with their spouse?
 Is there anything that can be done about it? And aren't you tired of hearing about it? As you can see, it's not just us common folks, but celebrities as well....and it doesn't seem to me that beauty plays any part of it.  A famous person can have an adorable looking spouse and will still cheat. That just goes to show you that it's not about pretty or's about something that's missing inside of the person that's doing the cheating. To this day, I have really never found out why my ex cheated. His other woman wasn't prettier, skinnier or smarter than me, but he felt that it was something in her that he needed that I couldn't provide, I suppose. To think about it, cheating has been around since way back when.... I guess it will never end. So how do you go about finding someone who WON'T cheat?  Good question, right?

Could I Have Prevented His Cheating?

Sometimes I have to wonder and ask myself, "could I have prevented his cheating?"  and for a long time, I took the blame, worried about how things might have been and beat myself up over this man, that I loved dearly, but felt that he needed to cheat on me. I felt lost without him, and it took me YEARS to actually get over him and what he did to our family and his stepping all over my heart and soul. How can someone really LOVE you and do something to hurt you all at the same time? I have asked myself this over and over through the years....and honestly, that is something that he will never be able to answer me. Bottom line that he thought that he could get by with it without my knowing...hence the saying "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I honestly don't think that I could have prevented his cheating because I thought that things were good....and on the surface, they were. He had home cooked meals, clean clothes and we were getting along fine as well, but obviously, to him, something was missing or he wouldn't have felt the need to go to HER. Believe me, I bent over backwards to try and fix him, and his cheating ways, and NOTHING, no, I do not think that I could have prevented his infidelities. Hopefully he's happy now, with HER....I know that I am VERY happy without the worry of wondering any longer.

Is Anything Uncomplicated In Life?

Sometimes I wonder what's going on in this world... I look around and see so many of my family and friends going through marital problems. I just have to wonder what's going on. I saw on the news that the most reasons that people divorce are due to  cheating and money problems. Why do people get so bored in marriage that they find the need to go out and cheat on their spouse?  Does it solve any problems? No, it doesn' only makes things worse. Money problems are almost always a problem, especially in this economy...but cheating has been around since forever. Do you think that after divorce comes from infidelity, that the next relationship is any better? What about trust?

Are You Getting What You Want From Your Relationship?

Everyone wants and deserves to have a great relationship...are you getting what you want from it? What things are most important to you? I think that  being able to trust your partner, respect is also way up high on the list of things for me. Being able to have the respect shows you that they honestly care about your feelings. I can remember a time when my ex used to be very loving towards me, and things were good....but towards the end of things, he began calling me names, humiliating me in front of others (especially my family) and I was always feeling terribly low about myself. I think that sometimes this kind of thing starts when there's an argument and people often say things that really hurt, only because they want to hurt the other person. I know that there is a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to argue....wished he would have gotten it.
Other things important to a relationship is being able to talk things out.  Very important.  Being able to be with someone that has pretty much the same values that you do, is also huge on my list. What are yours?

The Dating World Seems So Scarey Sometimes

So, how do you actually start getting back out into the dating world again?  That seems to be a large question but not sure about the answers. How do you know when it's time? I guess that all depends on how quick you actually get over your past situation and how soon you think that you are ready to jump in.
1. online dating is one option that works for many...just be careful here that you don't end up with someone like your ex.
2. meeting someone through your friends or family...might be an option as well. Just ask your friends not to set you up with someone that has alot of bad habits though.
3. public places, such as ball games, volunteering, social outtings. 
4. through the work place, but not in the circumstances where they don't allow in-work dating.
5. grocery stores, malls, bowling alleys, etc.
There are so many places to meet new people. My suggestion would be to take it slowly, take your time getting to know the other person before jumping in head first.
Even though I knew my ex husband VERY well, obviously, I didn't know him well enough.

Commitment and Chores

I wonder sometimes, what it would have taken, to be accepted by my ex, as the only love of his life. At one time, I used to be, but I don't know what changed. What makes someone commit to loving one person, then , somewhere along the way, they change their mind, decide it's okay to take that leap of going out and having an affair behind their spouse's back? Why would he have decided that it was okay? Sometimes, it seems that life is blinding....only because you think that everything is okay, but they really aren't.
Making a commitment of marriage or being in a committed relationship should be just that--a commitment. Do we just suddenly grow tired of the same ole every day life experiences? Is there any way to change this?
I just feel that life is life....bills still have to be paid, no matter if it's a truck note, house payment or just the monthly electricity or water bill that comes along....and kids, if you have them, need to be nurtured and cared for.. Cooking dinner, washing the laundry all has to be tended to, unless you have a daily maid to do it for you, so once the newness of a relationship or marriage wears off, and daily life is staring right directly at you, these are all things that must be taken care of. Do we get so caught up in life that we let go of our newness of vowes? Aren't they just as important as the chores, if not more so?

Fathers And Daughters

My daughter had her 17th birthday several days ago and low and behold! HE called her. Her father actually made the attempt to call her and once again, he told her that he would be over to see her in 30 minutes, and he showed up, for real! I decided to run a few errands before he came because I wanted it to be HER moment, hopefully give them a chance to talk. She called to tell me that he even gave her $30. Wow! I am stunned that he came over! I am also happy for her, because she's been wanting for him to come over when he says he is. I think that perhaps he's feeling a little guilty for not showing up all those past times when he told her he was. He and I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago and he let me know that he is having some health issues, and it's not good, so maybe he is trying to get back some father/daughter time that he has missed all these years. Why did he let all those years go? He has missed out on some wonderful times of her growing up. Do you suppose that he is going to start coming over on a more regular basis now to see her? I hope so.

"Marriage"... written by Vicky Gray Deaton, Please read

This post was not written by me, but I saw it and wanted to share it with all of's terribly sad, that's for sure................................................................................................

by Vicky Gray Deaton on Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 9:03pm


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Moving Right Along

The whole month went by and no child support..... I got brave enough to call him, and much to my suprize!.....he actually answered the phone. He told me that he had sent it on the last day of the month, and I asked him if he realized that it is supposed to be due on the first of the month, and all he could say was that he didn't have any money because he was choosing to work only half days because of the heat. He does some work outside, but he also works inside because he is home repairs but he still feels like working half a day is alright. He also told me that he had been sick and spending some money on his doctor bills. Right then, I knew he was telling the truth because he is a fanatic about his health. He even asked about our daughter--wow--what a shock! I was sad hearing that he has something wrong that they are doing tests to find out what it is, but on the other hand, I am glad that I no longer have to deal with his way of life. Seems that the other woman is doing that now. He called me a term of endearment, but didn't keep telling me that he loved me this time. What a sigh of relief that he no longer thinks that I am going to run back to him like I did last time.

Would I Ever Go Back To My Ex?

Would I ever consider going back to my ex, now that we have been apart for years? The answer to this is a big NO!. Through the past years, I have learned how to deal with him, able to talk to him about our daughter, but after going back to him once and it not working out the second time, I would never ever do it again. The heartbreak of his cheating was almost more than one heart can stand. One thing I have found out about my ex, is that he is not going to change. He wouldn't change for me, or for our family, so he would not be any different the third time around. I know that he is with his other woman, and I also know that he is NOT faithful to her either, but she doesn't seem to care. I don't understand why, but that's just how it is. Honestly, if a man/woman is all talk, but no action, then how could it get better? Seeing is believing, as they say, and he is just one more chapter in my life that has turned the last page. I am so much happier now, and although I do tend to "look" back at my past sometimes, I hope to never re-live it.

Are You Where You Want To Be In Life?

Are you where you want to be in life? I only ask this because life is so short and I have lost so much of it, going through my ex's cheating. I don't know why I couldn't open my eyes and face what was going on.... I saw it, I heard it, but I just couldn't react, and I think it was if my life was frozen in time. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe all the lies he told me about HER being the one who always called him. Funny thing was, even though he didn't call her, she didn't have a car and the only way that she saw him was because he drove 30 minutes out of his way to see her. He told me that he wasn't doing anything, and that it was all in my imagination. He was so good at his words that I even started doubting myself....but at some point in my life, I got up out of the funk I was in, and started to get stronger. I started to believe in myself and although I wanted all the answers, I never got them. It's been years now, and I still don't have the answers, but they are not important to me anymore. I have discovered that being with him was too much drama. I was tired of trying to catch him with her, tired of checking his phone and tired of him treating me like I was nothing. Where did I want to be in life? I wanted to be first. Once I finally realized that the other woman came first and I didn't, I had to get out of there. Where am I at in life right now? I am so much happier. I have peace. I am finally without drama. And lastly, I am not being cheated on anymore!

Our Daughter Called Her Dad

Just out of the blue today, my daughter told me that she called her dad and he actually answered. I was shocked and happy all in one, that he took the time to answer her call. I was curious, of course, to see why she had called him after all this time has passed, and she told me that she just wanted to know how he was doing. They didn't talk long but she finally had assurance that he was doing alright.
I think that when our children go through infidelity issues with parents, or learn of what's happened, they go through alot of hurt and pain, like we do. When families break apart, they are also torn. They have no idea what went on or why one parent left the other. My daughter never knew why her dad and I broke apart until she was old enough to handle the truth. She saw with her own two eyes how he treated me, but never had the final answer until I felt she could deal with it. That also went hand in hand on when she dates boys for what is acceptable and what isn't. I believe that through all the hurt and heartache he has caused for our family, she eventually came through it....although I still know that she's crushed by his not calling or coming over for such a long time and yet that is another story to tell....but only time will tell if he will start calling her now since she's made the first attempt. I am proud of her for seems as if she is more adult-like than he ever was.

Why Wasn't My Ex A Better Father?

Only five years ago, only a young preteen at the time, our daughter sat, and waited. Daddy called her and told her that he would be on his way to pick her up within 1 hour. She was so anxious that even if she had other plans, she would cancel them for a chance to go out with her dad. And so she got ready, and waited patiently. An hour slowly ticked by and still no sight of daddy. She called him and he told her "I will be right there, my baby"....she waited in the chair that sat right by the front door window so she could look out and see him coming down the road in his new, beige toyota wagon. Still after waiting ever so patiently, there's no daddy coming down the street to pick her up. Where was he? Why didn't he call? She picked up the phone and dialed his number, and only got his answering machine. She left messages, she texted him and wondered where he was. After sitting for hours upon hours it seemed like she had waited way too long...and daddy never came. Tears came flowing down and I cried like a baby for her, but didn't want her to see my tears so I had to stay calm. Why did he do this to her? It happened over and over and over again. Then one day, she starting realizing that he was only telling her tales and that he was not going to come. She gave up on him, and is now not even caring whether he calls or comes or not. It has been five years now......, she has grown to know the man that he is, and it's a shame. I wanted so much for her to have her daddy, but he was just too busy. I don't understand how a father could do this to his child. Our daughter is nearly 17 years old now, and growing into such a beautiful young lady. I have always been there for her and she knows how much she is loved....but I will never understand how a father can just dump his daughter, because he is so involved with another woman. I know that her heart will heal one day and she can look back and see that I have always been there for her.......what happened to my ex? I just don't know.

Ramblings About Child Support

I received word that my June's child support came in on the last day of the month....I was sooooo sweating it --that I was not going to get any this month. Of course, it's July now and is barely going to be posting to my account. I don't understand why it's like pulling teeth to get a small amount of child support ON TIME! There have been so many other Dr. visits that I have had to cover, extra stuff for school, and just basic needs that he DOESN'T help with so why is it have to be one of those things that makes me want to just pull all his hair out? I have told him time and time again that the chiropractor visits are cash and not covered by insurance and that I need help and his reply is " at least SHE has insurance, I don't" And that's because he only thinks of himself. What a shame! Was this REALLY the man that I married all those years ago?

Reflections Of My Past

I sit here tonight, looking at my past and the road that I have been down. I am so thankful that I have learned alot in life.....but I am saddened by the way I had to learn them. When I was still with my ex, I never in my life dreamed that he would hurt me so badly. I took so much time trying to save my relationship with him that I wasted alot of my valuable time. Where am I at today? I am happy, and learning how to cope with life. Where is he at today? He is with his "other woman" and not working very much. Child support is always sent at the very last week of the month and there have even been times when I didn't get it at all. No matter how much I loved him, or trusted him in the beginning, time seems to have changed everything for us. Another thing that I have learned, but it seemed to have taken a long time for me to learn is that you cannot make someone love you...and you cannot control someone who cheats on you, unless they want to participate in making the change. No matter how many times I blocked the other woman's number, she still got him in the end, and that was a decision that he made. I think the only thing now, is to keep moving on and up and taking care of myself and my daughter. Life is pretty good, and I hope it stays that way.

Why Do Relationships Have To Be So Difficult?

I don't know why relationships have to be so darned hard. We grow up having this idea in our heads that we are gonna be with the partner of our dreams, have children, the cute little house on the corner and then bam! something seems to go wrong and I just don't get it. Why is there so much heartache when it's supposed to be nothing but bliss? I guess our society has us to believe that getting married is what we are destined to do and we go into it with our heads sunk into our hearts......and then, when the honeymoon's over it's just back to business : work, children, bills, life....just everything. Do we lose that "honeymoon" phase due to the basics of life? So that also raises the question: do we not look for a partner that we can stay with forever when wer'e looking or do we settle for something less because our heart has fallen head over heels? I don't know the answers here but wished I did. I felt like I got married when I should have waited, but my heart was enamored with him. I fell hard and it felt good. We had an amazing love which I felt lasted for awhile but at some point, he made the choice to cheat on me, leaving my whole world upside down. I don't know what my future brings because I am wondering if I am going to go down the same path again....maybe not with someone who cheats on me, but someone who hurts me in other ways. Is it safe to fall in love again? I think maybe so, but perhaps this time with a little more "wait and see" type attitude. Why does love have to be so difficult?

Learning How To Move On After Infidelity

Honestly, moving on after infidelity is one of the harder things in life. You get married, make a family together and work on a daily thing called life. Having that special someone to have your back whenever you need them to becomes an essential part of being married. Trusting your partner to be faithful just comes naturally., at least it did for me. I never in my wildest of dreams ever though I would be cheated on. So, after all the heart wrenching pain, the crying, the wondering why and what can be done to fix it is over, how do you move on? Can you move on? Certainly, but it might not seem like it when it's all fresh. I have to admit it, but it DOES take TIME to get through infidelity. It took me alot longer than I thought it would, and it seemed to have sucked the life out of me. I lost so much time going through the pain. I think that the first step in moving on is to make sure that you are at peace with yourself. Don't wait until you have all the answers as to why this happened because, unfortunetly, like me, you might not get all the answers. So that means that you have to try and get past the unanswered questions. Having someone to talk to really helps. Sometimes other people can sort out something that we just didn't see before. You need to know that you are going to be okay and that you will get through the pain. Sometimes doing something extra special for yourself helps as well. Take time to heal, and don't rush through your feelings. Move on at your own pace, because nobody can tell you how long it will take you to do so. Finding something positive about yourself also helps. New hobbies are great and will also get you out into the world again, but a little at a time. Finally, know that it takes TWO people to work on the problem and if it's just you and it's one-sided, then it probably won't work. Take care of yourself, because you ARE worth it!

Fathers Day Came And Went ....

Father's Day came and our teen daughter let the entire day slip right on through.....without calling her dad. It's been about a year now since she's seen him. He has chosen not to come or call....and will occasionally text her but it's few and far between. I am sure that he missed having her remember him but to her, it was very hard and hurtful for him to choose NOT to come or call. She has her own cell phone so he can call her whenever he wants.....she's almost 17 now and he's missed out on so much already. He didn't attend her quinceanera nearly two years ago, even after she BEGGED and pleaded with him.....he didn't show up for Christmas, or any such holidays. I think that last year on her birthday he texted her a happy birthday. This man has chosen and made it clear that he is way too busy with his other woman who he lives with now. She doesn't have any children and so they are free to do whatever they wish. It's too bad that he has treated her this the point that she doesn't care much anymore. It's sad because I have always felt that she needed him. I am past the point of crying to him and asking him to PLEASE come see her or call....I guess it's his loss now, what a shame!

What Makes Us Want To Work Through Infidelity?

what makes us want to stay in a relationship that's going through infidelity? Nobody wants to be cheated on but yet, we hang on, in desperate hope to somehow make things work. It's not just the love, but it's the family that we cling onto, the months/years that we have invested in our relationship, and the memory of what once was when things were good. That's why I hung on for such a long time. I had hoped that he would come back to his senses and want to keep our family together, but it just wasn't enough. I was grasping at straws when there were none. Are you hanging onto a hopeless relationship? Are you waiting around to see if things get better? I know that feeling of not being able to sleep at night not being able to get all the bad things off your mind and it's so hard to know where to turn to for good help. Do you ever wonder how long it's going to take to make things turn around for the better? The answer to this is in the timing, and how willing both parties of the relationship are to working on it together. Finding someone to confide in and help you by listening is a great was to me, at least. No one should have to deal with the infidelity of a spouse alone.

If He Loved Me, What Made Him Cheat?

I look back at my horrible experience and wonder if I learned anything from are supposed to learn something here, right? I still wonder WHY he cheated on me, if he loved me so much. I get lost in thought that maybe he just didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved, I also wonder if it was just something he thought he was allowed to do, even though we said our vows....but you know, honestly, I think that he cheated on me because he thought that he could do it and get away with it. The other woman enticed him and he followed. He didn't have to, but HE made that choice, nobody else did. I blamed the other woman for a long time, but it wasn't her alone that caused his was HIM. He didn't have to keep on seeking her. He didn't have to keep persuing her, but he did. Did he actually love me? Perhaps he did, in his own way, but he still thought he could cheat on me and get away with it. Some people say that a marriage takes two people to work on things....and it does. It was all one sided on my part, trying to make things work, but he was already gone.......she has him now, and what have I learned about this? Well, one thing, you can't make someone love you....another thing, most of the time, if they have cheated once, they are most likely to try and do it again. My last stance is that if a man loves me, he will be committed to me and me alone. Going through infidelity was one of the hardest things in life I have had to endure, but I am here, and still marching forward.

What Do You Look For In A Partner?

After divorce, the world just seems to be so big and scarey, especially if you feel like you are in this world alone. Honestly, sometimes the loneliness can get to you but it's also very hard to start looking for someone new. Many folks believe that you should spend some time alone to yourself for a bit, long enough to give your heart some time to repair it's self from the heartache and sadness of losing your partner to infidelity. But what happens when you ARE ready to jump back out into the sea of love again? What do you look for in your next partner? Do you look for someone to re-marry, or do you take it nice and slow and see how things develop? Everyone has a different criteria for how they choose their next mate, but for me, it seems that I would want to find someone who was DIFFERENT than my exhusband because I am too afraid that I would pick someone again, who was just like him....and I don't want that. Do you go for the outward appearance first and then look on the inside later? I don't think that many people look at the heart-side of it first.....most look for someone who is attractive to them first. My mother always had a little saying "being pretty doesn't always mean it's on the outside---you have to be a nice person from the inside as well for it to make a difference". I guess as a younger person, I didn't always see it that way, but now, after experiencing all I have, I am starting to see it her way. What do I look for in my next partner? I am going to look for someone who has a generous and loving heart and someone who doesn't believe in cheating on their spouse. That might be hard to find, but I KNOW they exist.

Waiting Until It's Too Late

Out of the blue, he called me again. I was thinking (as I was hearing him say hello) "oh no! what does he want now"? He started by telling me about a little old lady that was "our" friend, but once we divorced, she became "his" friend, and that's probably only because she thought he was the world's best thing since she lost her husband. This little lady was in her 90's and she loved his company and there were many times while we were married that I found him with her. I knew that he was just visiting her and helping her to fix things in her home, but he proceeded to tell me how she had passed away. But the problem was, he didn't let me know that she has just barely passed but that she had been buried over a week ago. I don't know why he waited so long to tell me, but maybe it was his way of letting me know but when HE wanted me to know. I felt sad because I had known her for many years, but he didn't stop to think and tell me so that I could go and see her for the last time. Maybe it was that way in our marriage, me not knowing things until it was too late. I didn't see the cheating the first time around until it was already too late. Even finding his cheating the second time around was too late because we had already bought a house together. Sometimes I wonder if I had known the warning signs ahead of time, I could have prevented his cheating....but then I honestly think about it and know in my heart that he would have cheated whether I knew the signs of cheating or not. There was nothing I could have done to prevent his behaviour. And as for my dear old friend, I will miss her....that's for sure.

Following A Budget After Divorce

Learning how to downsize is pretty hard. I was used to 2 paychecks coming in the pay the bills, and now I am down to just me. Child support helps but I get VERY little since he is self employed and doesn't make too much. Learning how to budget is something that I have had to learn. First things first is the fact that you have to make enough money to afford the payments on the rent, or whatever house you are going to be living in. You must factor in the cost of electricity, gas and water and that is combined together to see if you make enough to cover that. Next is making sure that you have the money to buy gas for your car to get to work, food to eat on, and the necessary oil changes and new tire that you might need. Then....there's necessary clothing you need to clothe the children, if you have any, and for yourself to go to work in. All of this needs to be considered before the cable expenses, movie rentals, eating out and extras like going out to have a nice time. It's hard because it's totally different than it was before. Honestly, it CAN be done, as long as you watch your incoming and outgoing expenses. Making a budget is easily done by writing it all down on paper, then it's easier to follow.

Spending Too Much Time Wondering Why

Seems that tragedy has a way of creeping into our lives without a moment's notice. Dealing with a cheating husband was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life, walking away and learning to let go is more challenging than I can say. Many weeks of wondering why I ever had to go through such pain, wondering why he cheated but never getting the answers and after awhile, wondering why it took so much of my life away hoping that things would get better. Sometimes I ponder upon the fact that I have just spent way too much of my time just "wondering". I know that with time, your heart and soul heal, but with each person, the timetables are different. We never know how long we are going to be on Earth with our loved ones....time is so precious and so short. I think that I should have spent LESS time worrying and wondering and MORE time doing things for myself. Today I am much better, happier than I have ever been. Tragedies still seems to creep into my life. I just lost my precious little chihuahua and I don't even have a clue as to why. You hear people say that things happen for a reason, but in the case of a lost pet, I see no reason for it. Losing my pet not only brings up everything that I miss about her, but it also reminds me of some of the past things that have happened in my life and I wonder IF I will always have a rocky road ahead of me, or will things slow down and become easy going. I need to look forward and keep on moving least I am not worrying about my ex anymore....

Does The Cheater Find Happiness?

Is it possible for the cheater to find happiness with the other person? I honestly think that while a person is cheating, they are out having fun, doing the kind of things that feels good for them.
Cheating seems to be something they want to do because they don't have to worry about the loads of laundry sitting to be washed, they don't have to worry about how many bills are piled on the table to be paid, and they don't have to worry about anything important while they are out in their "happy place". While it seems to sound great not to have to worry about "life" stuff, eventually, they will have to think about those things. A person who is cheating does not have to think about "life" while they are away from the family. But life DOES go on. As soon as one bill gets paid, it comes right back around again, waiting for the next check. When my ex husband finally moved in with his other woman, he didn't have the "fun" escape anymore, and that's because he has to face the "life" issues with now a different woman. There will always be home repairs, car repairs, dishes to do and laundry to wash, so I don't know at what point the cheater finds happiness with the other person, and maybe it's beyond my thinking, I just don't know how my ex thought that having another woman was any different than what we had, especially since we got along so well. That one's a mystery for me I guess. If anyone out there has a good answer, I would LOVE to hear it.

Can You Recognize A Cheater?

How do you recognize a cheater? I honestly don't think that you can, mostly, but I would think that if he's a big flirt, especially right in front of you, or you notice that he's just way too into "the women" then you might just have a problem. My ex husband was the kind of man who would want to go out to eat but he would stare at other women as they passed by, and yes, it was right in front of me. I hated that about him because I felt that he was being disrespectful towards me. I also noticed that he was extremely nice to his women customers, even not collecting his fee of doing a painting or home repair service at times, but I thought that maybe he was just trying to help someone out who was short of cash. I don't think that you can really ever guess if your partner is going to cheat on you or not, but I think it's a feeling of whether you feel secure in your relationship. I never thought in a million years that my ex would cheat, but he did. For some reason, I always thought that getting married meant that you were to be faithful to your partner but I am hearing and seeing so much adultery on tv, and on the radio these days. What has happened to honestly loving your partner enough to be faithful? I know that faithfulness DOES exist, but why are we hearing so much about cheating spouses?

Does Emotional Cheating Count As Cheating?

We all know that if someone is caught "cheating", that normally means that your husband/wife was having an intimate relationship with someone outside of the marriage, but what about "emotional" cheating? Does that count? Honestly, in my opinion, if your spouse is "talking" to someone of the opposite sex and it's not about trying to make your marriage better, then I see it as a problem. Many people seek advice from a counselor, pastor or friend in hopes to try and make things better when there is a marriage problem, but it shouldn't be to someone of the opposite sex that's just a "friend" when they are spending countless hours away from you and instead of working with you on the problem. Emotionally giving to another person outside of the marriage CAN become a leads to jealousy, mistrust and a wondering of what's being said and if it's an uncountless number of hours upon hours on end, day after day, I see it as becoming close to someone else. Maybe that's my opinion, but I know that this sort of thing can happen and can also get out of control. If you have a problem with your spouse, first of all, please speak to your spouse about it, if that's possible. If not, there are many pastors, friends or a family member, as well as counselors who are willing to listen.

Does A Cheater Suffer Any Remorse?

Yesterday was the first day that I have heard from him in a long time....and of course, he needed something. I never returned his call and thought that I would leave him hanging as he has done to me many of times. Does a man/woman change once they have cheated on you? Is there real remorse? In my ex husband's case, there was no remorse.....not for me, not for his cheating, nor for the family that he broke apart (ours). I do, honestly believe that people CAN change, but they must be willing to do so and want to do it for themselves, for bettering themselves and to not cause any of the pain that they once caused before. Life is SO short, you hear it and breathe it all the time, so will things be any different with his other woman, than it was with me? I already know the answer to this my case, he is going to be the same person that he was with her, than he was with me and that's because he saw NOTHING that he did wrong. He told me that it was MY fault that I couldn't share him with someone else. He thought that his transgressions should all be swept under the rug where you can no longer see them. How did he not think that by my not seeing the problems that I still didn't have feelings? Being deavistated by my ex really seems to have made me more aware of men, even though I don't want to be this way. Are there any really good men out there? YES, but they just seem to be a little more harder to find these days.

Ever Wondered "What If?"

Have you wondered if you were stuck in such a horrible situation for so long, that sooner or later, it's got to get better? That's what I did. I waited, wished, hoped, prayed and waited some more, but my world was just so up and down. For a while, I thought maybe he was going to drop the other woman and see how much he loved me.....but even during the times that things were quiet, they really weren;t....he was just hiding it more. With every complaint I made, he went more into hiding what he was doing. I wanted my marriage to work, even to the point of my giving him all of my extra time, cooking gourmet meals, washing and ironing his clothes to perfection, even paying for some dinners out and whatever I could to make his life like a king......but it didn't matter. The other woman had his heart. Why did I work so hard for a marriage that he clearly didn't want? He told me that he wanted me and the marriage but his actions spoke louder than his words. Every body wants a loving and lasting relationship but if both parties are not willing to work at it together, then it just doesn't get better.

Self Esteem and Going Through Infidelity

Today I want to talk about self-esteem. How is your self-esteem and how do you feel about yourself? During my many years of being married to my ex, he continually chipped at my self esteem. Some days he wasn't so bad, but there were other days that he always had something to say about me that wasn't very nice. I went through periods of time thinking that I didn't make him happy because it was something that I should have done or could have changed about what I did. At the beginning of our marriage, if he hurt my feelings he would apologize and try to make things better, but as time went on, and he started with his cheating on me with other women, he would say things to hurt me, but then would not care about what I felt. I was left to deal with his hurt all alone and I would look back at myself and think about what I could do to make our marriage better. I wanted him to love me, and I didn't know how to make the hurt go away. With time many couples let themselves go to some degree and I thought that with my having our daughter and then trying to take care of our household, the taxes, his business and my working that it may have caused him to see me in a different way, however, to be at all fair about this, I have to say that LIFE must go on....the bills getting paid, taking care of children, working and such is something that I HAD to do...regardless of how he felt. What I didn't know at that time, was he was actually seeing someone else and was just picking on me so that he could get an easy way out of the house to go and see her without my wondering why he left. Self esteem is something that you need to keep hold on tight of because without feeling good about yourself, you start having the feeling of not caring about things and feeling as though you are not worth it....but honestly, YOU ARE VALUABLE AND YOU MEAN SOMETHING..... please take care of yourself if you are experiencing going through these feelings. Find someone to talk to that can show you that you don't have to feel bad about yourself. It's not always something that YOU do, because marriage is made up of 2 people, not 3. ...... and if both of you want to work out a marriage you will do it TOGETHER!

He Likes To Play Head Games!

I guess we are at a new place in our "new lives" now, one in which he is starting to play the head games with me once again. I don't hardly ever hear from him.....unless he wants something from me, be it help with his taxes, help on what to do with re-fiancing our old home (which I thought he lost but am not sure where it stands now) or just whenever he feels like calling. He called me right about the time that child support was just a little past due, wanting me to do his taxes for him since I have all these years, and without one thought, I said NO! Yes, that's right, I finally am able to tell him NO......I am so proud of myself, however, he told me that he was already sending the child support and it's been almost 3 weeks now that he STILL has not paid the child support. I know that times are tight, but that money helps to buy the things that my daughter needs. I am now wondering if he is withholding it from me because I told him that I could not do his taxes. As a matter of fact, I KNOW that's probably it, but I cannot keep helping him, because if I do, he will never let go. He is with HER now and he needs to stick with his choice of being with her and leave me in peace. Why does he have to play games? Oh, and when we were saying goodbye on the phone, he told me that he still loved me....GEEZ!

Moving On From The Cheater

Day by day has passed, and I am hearing from him much less. I know that he must be happy now with his new other woman. I still have a place in my heart that hopes that he is doing well, of course,we DO have a child together so I think that will always be there....but I am not having to worry about him as much anymore and that's a good feeling. I no longer have to hear the emotional abuse that he put me through, and I don't have to hear all the bad things he had to say about my friends or anything else for that matter. What a sigh of relief I am living now. I do, however, wish that he was around for our daughter....that really makes me sad that she is having to be without her father around, and it's by his own choice, not mine. One day she will be a full grown woman and he will have missed all of it.
Right now, I am making the best of my new life....working on getting all my credit card bills paid off that we shared. I am also watching what I eat, and have already lost some. I have a place that I can call my own, and I am being the best mother that I can be. So far, since the infidelity and our seperation, I think that I am moving on quite nicely. I can honestly say that as time goes on, there is less time thinking and wondering about what might have been, and what could have been done differently, but as the world turns, I move on, step by step. How are you coming along in your new life, if you have done so? If not, are you still hanging on to a partner who HAS to cheat because you think there is no other life out there for you?

Are You Staying With Him For Your Children?

I stayed with my ex for way much longer than I should have, of course, I can say this that I am on the other side of things. Going through infidelity really hits hard, and I can say, it honestly does have an impact on the entire family. My daughter was young and she didn't know what was going on because I held my tears a good portion of the time, and my son was old enough to figure out what was happening because he was a teen. My ex never "yelled" but when he got mad, he would say extremely bad things to me, call me names and said things that are hard to repeat. I tried not confronting him when the kids were home because I didn't want them to hear how he was, however, there were times when HE started in on me, trying to get out of the house by getting me upset, so he got out of the house whenever he wanted. Why did I stay with him? I wanted my family intact. I shouldn't have stayed with him for that reason.....well, and I loved him too so it was hard facing the fact that he had another woman. It was much harder being a family when he honestly didn't want to be there. He wanted to be with her, and that was all he thought about. He was in and out so much that he made it hard to go out as a family. I found out it was heartbreaking for me to stay with him when he didn't want to work things out. Are you staying to keep the family together?

Looking Into The Future

Oh how wonderful it would be if I could be able to find someone who holds the same things dear that I do. Holding hands I used to think was a thing for younger people, but really, it's not. When we find our true love, holding hands is just something normal and natural. Walking away from my ex husband and seeing who he really was honestly took time. It didn't happen in a day, or even a week. I had to be able to look at my situation from the outside, which is something that I could not do while in the relationship. His infidelity and lying ways was more than I could stand. I deserve to have someone who loves me for me, and someone who respects me enough to be with only me. I am learning more about myself each and every day, and some day, my prince just might come! Never give up.

Child Support and A Teen

These days just seem to go so fast, and my daughter is maturing every day. She is now 16 and even though she's tiny and thin, she EATS so much! She is a very smart young lady, very caring and very thoughtful. Her father sends her child support every month, although it is always mid-month before we get it. He just doesn't seem to understand that it goes to pay for the things that SHE needs. It's not about me anymore, it's about her! What doesn't he understand about having a daughter? It's not about child support only, it's about spending time with her and calling her to see how she's doing. I know that the money helps, but where's his heart? Where is the man she calls "dad"? I know that he is with the other woman now, and lives with her too, but why can't he find a few precious moments to come see our daughter, or at least call her? She has her own cell phone, he knows the number. She is driving now too, but he hasn't bothered to even ask her to meet him somewhere, let alone come here to see her. I just don't get it and it really makes me sad!

I Think He Lost My House

Well, if you have been following along, you probably know that I signed over my half of the house to him because he was really bothering me, trying to get me to pay on HIS credit cards so I just gave him what he wanted. I gave him "our" house, the one that I picked out. It's been years now that we have been together and he finally told me that he was moving in with his Other Woman. He wanted me to take over the house, but he wanted like 5 thousand dollars, on top of that, for me to pay the back 2 years of taxes he owed AND the 3 thousand he was behind on the payments. I just am not able to do that, nor do I want to bail him out once AGAIN. He told me that he wanted to keep the house because he thought I was going to go back to him again, but since I didn't, he moved in with her and is no longer interested in keeping it. My grown son was going to step in and take over but being as young as he is, just starting out and all, I doubt that anything happens. I know the man who bought and financed the house for us, but my ex told him that I was the one who walked out....basically true, but he didn't bother telling him WHY nor that he cheated on me with several women and that he wasn't willing to make things work. He always makes me look bad, but at this point, I really don't care. I know the truth, he does too, but he just doesn't want to make himself look bad. All in all, I guess that house was really never meant to be "ours" because right from the moment we moved in it, he was starting up his old ways and all I had was suffering from his games and other women.
Sometimes you don't want to let go of something that truely meant something to you, but then again, there are times that you just HAVE to.

Trying To Get A Grip On Finances

Being single is totally different especially when it comes to the paychecks and paying out the bills. The word: budget, comes to mind and oh how I hate that word.
What are some of the ways that we can manage our finances when it comes to having to pay everything by ourselves?
First of all, write down what you have coming in and then write down what is coming out.....this will at least let you look to see what's going on. Secondly, find ways to minimize that cell phone bill, either by changing plans or finding a plan that lets you do what you need to without getting the overcharges. Those little charges for going over or adding something on can really make a difference in the overall picture of things!
Next, make sure you are turning off the lights when you don't need them and keep a check on electricity useage so your bill won't be sky high.
Make a grocery list of things you need and use coupons for the things that you can, because it really helps.
Watch the spending on going out to eat, specialty coffees and things like that because those things can eat up the cash fast without even knowing it.
Also, find a small coffee can or jar and start putting your spare change in it for little treats on a rainy day, or when you need something extra.
Living on a budget can be difficult, but it CAN be done.