Talking to someone
So what do you do in this type of situation? First of all, when you are going through this, you feel like there's nothing that you can do. For me, it was like going round in circles. I kept seeing what I called was "evidence" but I never actually ever saw him with anybody. I never ever heard him talking to "the other woman". In my mind, I knew he was guilty, but inside of myself I kept thinking that since I didn't actually CATCH him then maybe he really wasn't guilty......yes, I know that sounds silly of me or rather nieve, but I am the kind of person who wants to believe the best in my mate. After all, we had been together for a very long time. Don't you think that after you are with someone for such a long time, that you should know them by then? What about giving him the benefit-of-doubt? Well, that's what I was doing but it just wasn't working for me. Something had to give here, as I was growing tired of all the "antics" he was putting me through. I had to search for answers. I was very lucky that I had my parents, although they lived 1100 miles away, THANK GOD for telephones. Do you have someone who you can trust? Someone that you can talk to? This is one thing that I honestly belive will help.
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16 comments:
It doesn't sound silly at all. I totally understand.
I had similar thoughts. I knew enough but not all so there was the constant internal questioning, reviewing & revisiting of the facts that I did know.
I knew my wife was talking to another man on her cell phone. When asked she said that they were just really good friends. I bought the book, "Not Just Friends." It helped tremendously.
Finally 2 years after discovering the "relationship" She told me it had been an affair.
Another couple of years trying to put the marriage back together. That was a waste of time, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I did all that could.
I found out a week ago that my wife of six years (she is 45) was having an affair.
In my wildest imagination I never thought this could happen. we have a loving and tender marraige.
Some background: I was always a loving, caring husband. I always made her feel more than as opposed that less than. Gave her affection and it was clear that I loved her deeply.
and often spoiled her. We have the same type phone and before I headed to work on day I found text message between her and her lover by accident. He is married with kids. They work together on a project on the west coast …we live on the east coast. I told her the truth….picked up you phone by mistake and found these intimate text messages.
I remained extremely clam we spoke about it and she admitted she was in love with him but he would never leave his wife and kids. She is madly in love with him. I said you need to make a decision as to what you want. She sai I don’t know the after a hour or so realized I was the man she wanted. We agreed to work on our marriage.
I did tell her directly I am the perfect husband ….what in your eyes did I wrong? She said nothing. She has been in a deep depression for the last five days not eating sleeping…crying over her lost love. I am more upset over the emotional attachment that the physical violation.
Advice??
Dear Anonymous,
I really feel what you are going through, because I couldn't understand what I did wrong in my marriage either...but it IS something within the one who cheats. You need to give her time, patience, and honestly, you may never get the answer of WHY. It's hard, in fact, one of the hardest things you may ever endure, but IF she honestly wants to work this out, she will be open to honesty and truely work WITH you to help get back where you can have some sort of trust. She must be willing to be open with you and totally aware that you have questions. I wish you the best...but here again, time and understanding is what you need most. Best of luck to you! I hope things get better.
I still cannot believe it happened to me. It has been over two years but it still hurts. I will never forget the hateful, vengeful things she did to me. She was a serial killer or marraiges. My husband was one of her targets. She had done this many times. She thought she had hit the jackpot with my husband. One of the things that I find the most difficult to get beyond is that he does not want to admit what a terrible person she is. She tried to destroy me...if he loves me how could he do this? It went on for four and a half years. Many people tried to tell me but I never believed. She even called me once and said she was his girlfriend and that he was two-timing her with this other woman - really her. I thought it was so ridiculous. I was soooooooo stupid. Now I am afraid tham I am still stupid. We had been married thirty years, we had gone though difficult events, I thought I knew him. Now I am consumed with the thought that I am still stupid. He refuses to say that he did not love her. How can he think that what he did with that slut was love? To use that word means that I am stupid. I chose to remain married. I chose to move to a new place to start over. I chose to close my eyes to the truth. I often wonder if a bottle of benadryl and a bottle of wine wouldn't go well together.
I still cannot believe that it happened to me. It has been almost three years. I was the stupid wife; everyone in the county knew. People tried to tell me. Hell, she even called me pretending she was someone-else, another girlfriend that he was cheating on with her - it was so incredible. I was so sure that he would never do that do me. It went on for four and a half years. Now he refuses to say that he did not love her. How can he use that word for what he did with that slut? She did this with many men. She tried to destroy me. I guess that I have to face that I am still stupid. I chose to stay married. I tried to do everything to save what we had for over thirty years. I chose to move to make a new start. I am still stupid. I often wonder if a whole bottle of benadryl and a bottle of wine wouldn't go well together.
dear anonymous, many times we try our best to hold on to our marriage because we said those vows, and meant it. I did that also. I didn't want to believe that he was with another woman, even though she wrote letters to him and I had them in my hands. Don't ever call yourself "stupid" because you are NOT ! You only wanted to keep your marriage together, like so many of us do. Right now, you need to try and take one step at a time....baby steps, and do something for YOU ! Time helps the healing process, but most of it is a long process. Keep your chin up, and start looking for the good in what you have....
I feel like im going crazy and my life is over. I just found out 2 months ago that my husband of now 23 years had an affair 2 and a half years ago. He says it only happen 2 times and it was supposedly bc he was trying to leave me. He says he regrets it and wants to move on in our marriage, but I just dont know how to move on and get past him being with her. We have been together our hole lives. I have lost that feeling of being special and I just want it back so bad. I love him so much but I cant help but fear it could happen again.. I have no family to talk to and we generally keep to our selves so I dont have close friends. So I could really use any help or advise.
Dear Tabs, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this...this is such a hard thing to have to deal with...not only is your heart crushed, but your head is swimming in all kinds of questions as to why and how. My best advice to you at this moment, would be for you to search inside of yourself to see how YOU feel. Do you want to take a chance at trying again? How would your life be like without him? Do you love him enough to try and trust him again? and finally, is HE willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work again, as well as you working with him too? If so, it may well be worth trying....if you feel that you can get past the hurt. Don't make a quick decision...take your time...and it's best to take one day at a time for now, until you know what you want to do. I wish you the best, and I am here if you need someone to talk to.
Debbie, Thank you so much for your response. It means so very much and is all so quite true. I do beleive he is trying, but im afaid I am going to hurt that bc I can't just let it go. It just hits me and I loose it over and over.It hurts so bad and im so afraid bc I dont understand why it happen to begin with so how do I know it wont happen again? I love him so very much and I cant imagine my life without him. However I cant go on with everyday having these arguments and feelings? Does it get easier? If so when how, What should I do until then? Sorry but I honestly just dont know anything anymore. Thank You Tabatha
honestly, you may not be able to let it go for a very long time. You will always have the questions of why and how and those questions may never get answered. You can never be 100% positive that it won't happen again, however, you should be able to have some sort of gut feeling about him and whether or not he is sincere. This means that he must be willing to be an open book to you...hiding nothing..and if he is willing, then things may work out. Unfortunetly, this is a long process. You need to do everything in your power at this time, to take care of YOU ! pamper yourself, take up a new hobby, or find some sort of activity to help take your mind off of the arguments and worries, at least for a short while. Time is the only thing that will be able to help you get through this, and having someone you trust to talk to when you find that you need to talk. It does get better with time, but like, in my case, it will never be forgotten. I wish you the best and don't forget that I am here.
Debbie...I've stumbled to your blog and I really feel you understand. I am going through a horrible time right now. I DON'T have anyone to talk to. How can I get in touch with you, perhaps by email and more privately. I am reaching out to anyone who is willing to listen, you sound like a person who's been right then and there. Thanks...
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Why did he cheat and said he still loves me?
Me and my ex were married for 28 years, had three kids that were on their own with their own kids. We got along great, did everything together, without any fighting. Life was good. I thought it was anyways, but I was wrong. My world came crashing around me all in one day. All that I knew and loved was gone. I got home and my husband told me he was cheating on me. I actually, figured it out by myself several months before, but I told myself I was overreacting. I ignored all the signs because I didn’t want to fight. I threw him out and divorced and now he is living with her. Her and her kids from another man have ridiculed my kids right in front of him, he sat by didn’t say or do anything. I feel like I need some closure and answers in my life, that I obviously am not going to get from him. I have read a lot of things online, it seems like he is going through a mid-life crisis. When all of this first happened he would still find some way to communicate with me. He would tell me none of this was my fault, I was a good wife, and I was a good mother, but he was still living with her. I finally told him to stop talking to me because it was too hard on me. To this point, I have been trying to live my life, been dating, and I push them away every time. One day out of the blue, he calls me up, says it was an accident. My first question is why he would call me after all this time. My second question is why he would let her and her kids destroy his relationship with his kids and grandkids. I know they are having problems, he has told me himself. I was also wondering what kinds of problems they would be facing right now. I am not sure how I feel about him right now sometimes I hate him and others I miss him. From what I have read and heard he will get bored with her and try to come back, is this true? I want him to feel the pain and misery like I did. I am doing really good on my own; I am going back to school. I don’t want it to be disrupted again. What should I say if he tries to come back to me.
5 days
my question is why out of the blues did he called?
he told me that he was having a lot of problems in his relationship ,what are they?
why would she treated our kids like she didnt?
I would like to know all you can tell me why did this happened and how someone do this ?
Dear Anonymous,
I can honestly feel your pain right now and I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. My best guess is that he's having problems with her now because when they have their affair, many times it's like a fantasy world...no dealing with laundry, cooking, and paying bills and raising children....but once the newness wore off, and daily life kicks in, they find things that doesn't always make them good at being life partners. If you are doing well on your own, I think that's wonderful. You have shown him, and yourself that you have moved on...while he might have also, he is now probably seeing the mistake that he has made. You are the only one who can make the decision of ever taking him back, but you must also address the issue of whether this will happen again with him. I would think long and hard about your decision and don't make your decision quickly. Think things through...and lastly, try to figure out if he is willing to work on himself to find out why he cheated. I wish you the best of luck with this.
I have been married 31 years - since I was 17. 11 years into our marriage, he cheated with someone I would call a friend. She worked with him and overtime, became my friend. She knew she was engaging in a relationship with a married man but chose to believe she had that "IT" quality i guess that I did not have. He swore he would have rather killed himself than tell me of his infidelity and would never do it again. 10 years after that, he cheated on me again - with a neighbor who also was a friend to me as well. He lied for many years even though I suspected it had happened. Again, she knew she what she was doing. He is military and was on deployment this past three years stateside which means each of us could travel to see one another. While he was gone, the "neighbor" contacted me and proved they had an affair. I talked to him and of course he lied. later he did tell the truth. After about a year of being away on deployment, he quit inviting me to visit, always had some reason I shouldn't and I suspected another affair. So, Im not proud but I put a phone locator on him. i caught him in repeated lies about his whereabouts. I decided I was done and was really confident in my decision. i wrote him a letter telling him of this decision. Then he retired and came back to the State I live in and wants me to give him another chance. I asked him about the lies, etc. and he told me of yet another affair. He swears he is regretful - embarrassed and wishes he could turn back time. He wants to give me all the time I need and just date and see each other until I decide. I feel I am being mind fucked (exuse the language) but i cannot think of a better way to explain it. I am so confused. i need someone to tell me their opinion that isnt related, etc. What is the deal with him? Why come back at all? He wont go to counseling and is basically doing nothing to make this better because he feels he should be able to say he is sorry and swear it will never happen again and now just give me time to get over it. Really? I dont even know what steps could possibly be taken to bring back such broken trust - does anyone else?
I dont know what is wrong with me. I had made a confident decision to divorce my husband of 31 years because of his infidelity and now he is back in my daily life and I am having such a hard time pulling the plug permanently.
Background. 10 years into our marriage, he cheated with a girl from his work. She had become my friend over that period of time so it was the most painful. He swore it would never happen again. 10 years later, I had a feeling he was doing this again and he continued to tell me no. She was a neighbor and of course, a friend of mine. I was left to assume because he would not tell me and of course, neither would she. About three years after that, he was working away from home and during that time, she had contacted me and told me that she and my husband had engaged in an affair. She was telling me now because she was angry that she got a bum deal out of it because she believed he would leave me after our daughter graduated and after some time, realized that didn't happen and we had moved to another state. Women scorned story. Anyhow, i asked him again - again, he lied. A year later, he admitted it.
Now current: While he was gone working, I put a locator on his phone because I had a feeling he was lying to me about things. And, he was. When he returned home, I questioned this and once again - he admitted cheating on me. He said he is sorry - wishes he could turn the clock back and is embarrassed. He doesnt expect me to take him back but he wants to see if he gives me time if I can get past this and make our marriage work. I feel like I am being mind fudged. Why can he make me question my decision - why cant i move on with ease. He wont go to counseling - he simply thinks with time, I will get past it. How can he think that? He isnt trying any steps or anything - just askign me on dates - spending time together, etc. What is wrong with me? This man cannot change this character flaw right? He is playing me for a fool right?
Dear Love fraud, I totally understand what your'e going through. How many times has he decided that he felt remorseful over his cheating but went back and did it over again ? My now-ex husband wanted me to just get over and thought his infidelities were better left swept under the rug, but it didn't help me to cope with any of it. IT hurts soooooo much ! They just don't seem to understand the pain that we go through. The only steps that will lead you back to him and be able to trust him again will be the steps that he work on this marriage WITH you....that means that he is an open book to you, with his where abouts, his phone and everything that he does...time will be what helps to heal, and that's only if he is willing to help you work on your trusting of him. If he shows you that he is trustworthy by being open about things (not neccessarily the past--but the future) then and only then you might begin to have trust again. This process takes time. I spent countless years WORKING on trying to trust my now-ex husband but mine didn't put the effort into trying so I wasted valuable time and ended up walking away....I wish you only the best with this.
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