Loving a Partner That Cheats

Loving someone comes straight from the heart. There's no doubt about that. How can we turn off our love when someone cheats on us? Of course, when we find out we become sad, and angry and we have all of these emotions coming all together and it really gets us feeling out of wack. What can we do about loving someone who cheats on us? That's when we must take a step back, pause for a moment and try and figure out what the rest of our world is going to bring. There are no guarantees in life that he/she is going to want to work things out and be faithful forever afterwards, and then again, what if we don't want to work it out? Those are some questions that really take time for us to think about and answer. I really think that it takes time to heal, time to decide what comes next, and finally, you must take time to think things over.

Are All Men Created Equal?

I pose upon the question: are all men created equal? Do all men believe that they are allowed to have other women? I don't think so. I do believe that there are warm, loving and faithful men out in this world somewhere. I hear in the news so often of one partner or the other cheating and it's just not fair. When we get married or are in a committed relationship, we are supposed to cling to each other, and no one else. When did this extramarital affair thing started happening? Well, according to some very old-timers, it's been going on even back in their day, but you just didn't hear about it like you do in today's times. How can you be sure that your partner will never cheat? That is something I would like to know. Seems that even celebrities cheat on even the most beautiful-looking partners....that should tell you something. It's not you. It's them.

Why Does This Have to Be So Hard?

This is a golden question.......why does this have to be so hard? I really went through alot of bad times with him, and it should be easier to get over, but it's not. Looking back, I found myself crying and wondering way more than I should have. I spent way too much time "going through" infidelity and his cheating on me. I wished that I would have looked for other ways to get through it. Maybe I just loved him too much and to be honest, I was afraid to be alone. I didn't want to be alone. I was raised up with the notions that I was to be married, have kids and there were no divorces, or very rare ones. Maybe I was sticking to what I had been taught. Today, I sit here and I reflect upon all that I have been through with this man, and I can now see, that I should have done things a little different. I should have been strong enough to walk away, but I had such a hard time of it. It's very difficult looking at your own situation, especially in this one, because you have so much hope that things will get better. If you are still struggling, now is the time to find some strength. Talk to someone who will listen. It really does help.

Questions about Working Things Out

I have been through so many different phases of life with man and yet, I still ponder upon the questions that have no answers. Why can't he give me anything concrete? I asked him about these other women and I got nothing. Sometimes I felt as though he was trying to make me feel like I was just dreaming it all happened, but it wasn't a dream.......it was more like a nightmare. Was he so tired of lying and trying to find suitable answers for me, that he just couldn't think up anything else and therefore remained silent? This did not work for me and he wasn't willing to help me get through the grieving process of it all. I have been told by many, that if they really and honestly want to work through this infidelity, that they should do whatever it takes, even being patient through the whole process of questions and crying. He was not willing to do that. He wanted me to get over it, and forget it all. Forgiving is one thing, and boy is that a hard thing to do, but forgetting was another thing. The mind cannot forget easily, especially when you have had to deal with the problems for such a long period of time. How can we get around this hard period of time? I mean, some of us just want out, but others want to try to work things out. How can we trust again? It's all a matter of BOTH parties wanting to make it work and really trying toward that goal. If they say they want things to work out, but they don't try, what does that say?

Finding Help

In the midst of trying to figure out where to turn when infidelity is turning your world upside down, I wanted to give you a few links that might give some comfort
I found a very good site at http://survivinginfidelity.com that states they are a safe place to share your pain. This might be a place that you can go to to share your pain with others who are also going through the same thing as you. I have also found http://infidelityandbeyond.com
which could give you some reading about infidelity as well. Lastly, http://fidelity911.com
might also be a site you could take a look at. I know that when we are in pain, it's important to share with someone else how you are feeling. I know oh so well.

No "thankyou", Only Heartache

Although I post signs for infidelity and how to spot it, it's not always easy. I did not see too many signs in the beginning or perhaps I just didn't want to see any signs. I didn't want to face the obvious, what was right in my face, "the other woman". Nobody wants to face the fact that they are not the "only" woman in their man's life. Other than his own mother, of course, but you know what I mean. I didn't want to even think that he was out gallivanting around with someone else while I was taking care of the kids, cooking, washing the laundry and even washing his clothes for him, while he was out having a good time. I felt since I was doing all the family "chores" that he should have owed me some gratitude. Where was my "thankyou" for putting up with everything that he had put me through all these years? I didn't get a thanks, or any part of gratitude when it came to putting up with everything that he had put me through......all I got was him being a cheater. That really put me into a bad mood....heck, it made my whole world fall apart.

Examining the Signs of Infidelity

I have listed below the signs of infidelity, and I am sure there are other signs that you can look for, but really, I didn't notice that many of those signs. My most noticeable sign was his being sneaky. Acutally the more that I calle attention to certain things that I found questionable, the more he sneakier he became. The "other woman's" phone calls were coming in from her work number and when I called attention to it, they became "private" calls. That put me further and further away from finding out what was going on. When I told him that I saw that she was calling from her work, I believed him when he told me that she was the one who was bothering him and that he was not talking to her at all. After that, the work number did not show up. I was so curious why things changed and to be honest, it was right in front of my nose. It was him. He was the one telling her about my questions and that made them going into hiding more. I was so involved in trying to find out, that I just did things without thinking them out first. I wished that some of those things that I did, I could have done differently. I am shuttered by the fact that I took so much of my precious time out to delve into the matter, but really, what do you do when you are so in love with your partner and find out that they are cheating? It is terribly devistating, to say the least. I should have examined the signs of infidelity a little closer perhaps, but would it have done me any good? Possibly not.

Signs of Infidelity

There are signs that can help you find out if you are being cheated on, but keep in mind, even though your partner may do some of these, it doesn't always mean that he/she's cheating.
1. Different Grooming Habits
2. Sneakiness or Secretive Behavior
3. Day to day behavior change
4. Defensive about being late, or being evasive with answers
5. Having a new "favorite" shirt, cologne or other personal item suddenly
6. Withdrawing from you
7. Difference in sexual behavior

Now, just to explain a bit, "different grooming habits" whether it be a new haircut, shaving more often, or maybe him paying more detail to his grooming than he normally does.
"Sneakiness or secretive" as in hiding the cell phone, pager, credit card bills, or maybe him/her suddenly washing their own clothes when they normally never have.
"Day to day behavior changes" such as mood changes, him/her changing their daily routine, suddenly out of his/her normal patterns
"Defensive" about being late and not telling you ahead of time about coming in late, or perhaps making it a habit day after day, not giving you any answers why he is late, or lying about why he is coming in late.
"Having a new shirt or cologne" as a new favorite all of a sudden. Buying a new set of clothing or wanting to completely change his way of dressing.
"Withdrawing from you" as if he/she is just not as interested as he/she used to be
"Difference in sexual behavior" like wanting to try something new after many years of the same pattern.
These are some of the signs that you can look for. Let me say though, that not all of these signs may be visible to you because when you are in a relationship, you don't always "SEE" these signs, even though they may be right there in your face. My man was an excellent liar and he always primped in front of the mirror, so I couldn't see anything different with my situation. He was always kind of a sneaky man so I had no clue there either. He had his times of withdrawing because he wasn't always the best "family" man or husband, so there, nothing was different for me. The only things that I noticed were some differences in sexual behavior and being evasive about when I questioned him. He just totally would NOT answer me. Whenever I questioned him about another woman, he became even more sneakier. I will say this though, if they are cheating, eventually they will slip up enough and get caught, especially if you do not call their attention to it.

Why Couldn't I See Before?

I was having a great time with my children. I was getting to know "me" and that felt so wonderful. Why couldn't I see this before? Why did it take so long for me to finally move out of the one spot that I had been stuck in for such a long time? I honestly can say that I loved him. I wanted so much for things to work. We had a child together and she loved her daddy with everything that she had. She was too young to see what he was doing to hurt me, but I know that she knew that something wasn't right. He wasn't really much into doing family things so when we went and did our 4-H thing, it was perfectly normal. He wasn't interested in her wanting a horse, learning about a horse or anything in between. I wanted to give her something that she could learn, and she excelled in it. I wanted to see her follow a dream that she'd had for a very long time. Making myself separate from the drama of his infidelity was great. It made me feel stronger. The only thing was though, I still loved him and even though he hurt me more than words can say, I knew that one day, I would still have to deal with it.

Time Spent Without So Much Worry

Our daughter was going on with life normally, making fairly good grades at school, coming home and riding her bike. She also developed a want for a horse. Geez, this was not a good time to want something so gigantic, much less it was something that I just could not afford at the time. I found our local 4-H and we joined a group for horses. They were a wonderful group, and taught my daughter not only how to ride, and barrel race. but horse care too. I found this time with my daughter to be very calming. We spent alot of time together not only with 4-H activities, but riding horses and practicing technique on the weekends. Although we didn't have our own horse,we borrowed horses from the 4-h group, and this gave my daughter a chance to learn something that she really took interest in. We volunteered at Christmas time wrapping presents and doing the 4-H thing and it really took my mind off my problems at home. This time was so very important though because I needed to find myself. I needed to spend much needed time with my daughter. Not only that, I had a chance to separate my problems from him. This helped me more than I can actually say.

Getting Away From All The Drama

And once again, I became a stronger woman. I stuck to my plan, giving him the cold shoulder, yet still being decent towards him, letting him get the idea that I was done playing his games. He continued to try everything that he could to smile at me while passing me in the hallway. I know that this all sounds childish and perhaps totally ridiculous but I had to stop and take a break from all the drama that he was putting in my life and I had to find a calm place to land. To be honest here, this time in my life was good, because I took some time to separate myself from him and his "other woman", well, the woman that I knew he had but him refusing to admit existed. I continued my quest. .... grocery shopping alone, cooking dinner and feeding the kids and I, while letting him come in and fix his own plate of food. I found things around the house that needed to get done, since I had neglected to do it while all the crying was going on. I found some time to find ME again.

Trying to Make a Difference In My Life

After much ado, about a very important issue, I took a stand. I felt like I was not going to get anywhere just hiding beneath the cracks and being stepped upon by some other woman. Honestly, that's how I felt. How could he give her the upper hand over me, especially since he was living with me? If he wanted to be with her so much, why didn't he just pack his bags and leave? That was a million dollar question. For one, he had way too many things in the garage to move once again. He didn't like change. He just wanted to go on and on this way, doing as he pleased. I HAD to do something......but what could I have done to make a big impact on this whole ordeal we were going through? I didn't want the other woman to chase me out of my own home though. I had to think on this awhile, and while I did, I decided to give him "the cold shoulder" for awhile. It was hard at first because he thought I was going to give in right away. I got up in the mornings, made my kids breakfast and tending to my own business. He was floored. He did not like this at all, but I had to stick with it to see if it was going to get me anywhere. I hated having to go through this. I felt like a teenager in high school again, planning out my next move.

Looking Through Our Children's Eyes

Seeing myself torn up over his cheating was bad enough, but how did my children see me? Looking through my children's eyes, they probably saw things a whole lot clearer than I did. Children are very smart and they sense when there's a problem, even if they don't know what the problem is. My son was in high school and he could see that I was going crazy trying to wonder where his dad was all the time. I tried not to show how worried I was about him not coming home early or being here very much but as much as I tried to hide it, he could still see that there were problems. I surely didn't want to alert my children about our troubles, but they knew something wasn't right. My hubby came in and out as he pleased, and he was doing as he pleased. He was showing my children that it was OKAY to treat me like this, but it really was NOT okay. I felt trapped by the fact that I was trying so hard to cover our problems from the kids, yet trying to hang to what I had left of a marriage, which really wasn't much, especially since he had someone else. I felt like on one end, I had to be nice and happy to show my kids that things were ok, but deep down inside, my heart was crying. Looking through children's eyes, they can see when you are sad. Many times, you don't stop to realize that, but they know when mom's not the same as she was. How do you make things ok for the children?

The Ups and Downs of Adultery

For as many times that I had been cheated on, the ups and downs were really crazy. There were times that I felt like I was crazy, in fact. I wanted to find out all that I could. As a matter of fact, I found myself doing things that I normally wouldn't have done. Looking at the numbers of his cell phone, writing them down and even calling a few of those numbers drove me nuts. I would never have done this, if I hadn't been so desperate. I have heard in the news of many a woman that did some really crazy things when she found out about a cheating husband. So, does this make us "temporarily" crazy? That makes me wonder. Some women can find out about her hubby's affair and can just move on, and others cannot. For me, it was like a time bomb. I wanted to confront "the other woman" and I wanted to know the whens, whys and all the answers in between. How do you get past this feeling? I know for me, it took years. I even think that I carry it around with me sometimes....other times, I just blank it out of my mind. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how they have handled a cheating spouse? If so, I would love comments, and maybe we can use those comments to help others who are going through this.

Why Do I Love Him So Much?

Once I decided to persue my goal in finding out who this new "other woman" was, I kept at it with fury. I would answer his business phone at any oportunity that I had. I was what you would call a "good secretary". I had hopes that once she heard me answering instead of him, that she would back off. Why would I be so crazy to keep trying? Was I just chasing this man when I shouldn't have? Well, I know now that I shouldn't have wasted my time, but I have to tell you, honestly, he was my love. Oh, my heart wanted this man so much, and I really don't know why. Why was I so in love with someone who was hurting me? And on top of it all, he didn't seem to care that I was hurt. Why couldn't I just drop him like a hot potatoe? I guess it was a matter of the heart. My head was telling me to move on, but my heart was firmly attached. What do you do about loving someone so completely? How can you move on, when you are scared to face the world alone? That was a hard thing for me.....maybe that's why I stayed so long.