I feel like I have wasted many years of my life with this man. He wanted to get married, and I wanted to wait. I should have listened to that "gut" feeling I had and held off on tying the knot. But no, my heart was willing and anxious to be with this man til death-do-us-part. At first, the marriage was wonderful. I guess that's called the honeymoon phase. But even after that wore down, we were still alright. We had our daughter and about the time that she was 2 yrs old was possibly when things started going downhill. I spent countless days, months, years of my life being a good wife to him. I look at things now, and I wonder if anything could have changed his cheating on me. He didn't cheat on me in the beginning, so what in the world changed things to make him think it was alright to do this to me? It saddens me to think that I just wasted my time on this marriage, even hoping that things would have worked out for us. Did I waste my precious time?
I ask this very important question because I haven't really thought about me. I was always thinking about him. I worried over what dinner I was going to cook for him, making the house look nice "for him" and paying the bills for him. At what time did I take for me? I guess I really didn't, but I should have. Now that I look back, everything that I did for him really wasn't worth my time. It didn't keep him from cheating on me, and it certainly didn't help our marriage any. Hind site is pretty important, I only wished I could have seen it before it got here.
When we get married, we have children, hoping that our marriages will last forever, til death do us part, and then comes having children. We have our children, watch them grow, nurture them until they are able to become responsible adults, and even when they do, we still watch after them as they have their own families and go on with life. But, what happens when our marriages break apart? What happens to our families and our children? Starting over, is indeed one of the hardest things in life to have to do. We become so used to being married and having a partner to help us with the good times and bad, that we suddenly have to find our way on our own. How can we make it on our own? What if you don't have a job to support yourself? What if you don't have any money? Those questions are very important and need answers. Finding a family member, or a trusted friend can indeed help you with those answers. Look for help, either from a clergy, or great sites like the one at http://divorce360.com
I guess now that we are apart, the other woman must be his highest priority now. He still has not called or come over to see our daughter. It's been more than a month. Our daughter is growing into such a lovely young woman, but she still longs to hear from and see her father. He is missing out on a very special daughter. I don't understand why he cannot take a few minutes out of his day to at least call her. Maybe the "other woman" is more important in his life, I don't know, but it's very sad.
Getting through the Thanksgiving Holiday turned out to be pretty alright indeed. I went through my normal routine, kids all come back home except for one, and dinner went well. My only gripe is, that my daughter's dad (my ex) didn't even call her once. No phone call to see how she was enjoying the holiday, and to top all that off, she tried calling him many different times during the past 7 days that she has been off from school with no answer from him, only his answering machine. I felt so bad for her because even though he was rotten to me, and to "us" as a family, she still loves him, and rightly so, it's her dad. I kept reminding her that he might have been busy, or maybe he would call her back, but she got nothing. No amount of words from me will ever make this up, and even though it's just a phone call, he is only 10 minutes away and he really has no excuse for not visiting or calling. What a lovely daughter he is missing out on !!!
Here it is, Thanksgiving and all my grown kids and grandkids are gathering to have a big feast tomorrow at my house. This really brings back memories of years ago when we gathered together and things were good. Although I have moved on with life, memories are still there, in my mind, letting them relive them. I don't know why it's so hard to get past "special" holidays like this. It could be perhaps that we still have connections, I mean, as far as our child. I know that he will not come and see her or call her tomorrow, like he should and this really rags on my heart, but there's nothing I can do about it because I have learned while going through this infidelity, that you CANNOT control what anyone else does. Sad, but true. Once I accepted that, I believe it was easier for me to move on.
Sometimes your head speaks to you and deals you common sense, but your heart takes over. Oh, and when that happens, you fall hard and fast. Perhaps that's the reason why I went back to him after he cheated on me. I wanted to believe that he was going to "change" as he promised. I wanted a life with him and my kids, to be a family. Sometimes a woman has a "gut" feeling. I felt like I should have stayed away, but my heart kept pounding steadily for him, day after day. I thought that maybe after the separation of 8 or 9 months apart would make him want me more. It did, at first, but what happened after that?
After we divorced, the time I spent away from him was good for me. I learned how to live a "new" life. I learned how to settle down a bit. I didn't have to wait until he was in the shower to check his cell phone calls that had come in. I didn't have to go running outside to check inside of his work truck to see if there was loads of cash stashed away in his secret hiding places. I learned how to relax and take it easy some. So, why after having such a much more life of "ease" did I get back with him? I wasn't having to worry about his cheating anymore. I was free. I think that my problem was I left so quickly, that I didn't really have time to work through my problems with him. I didn't face what I had to face with him, leaving me only to wonder about what was going on while we were apart, when I shouldn't have even worried. I loved him and I really did have a hard time getting over him, even though he hurt me so much. I really can't explain why.
If it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me while we were married, but again when we got back together later. I went through such a hard time the first time, but when we split up, I ran for the hills honey, and I mean that when I found him coming out of "her" apartment after he had been in there for way too long, I immediately found myself packing because it devistated me horribly. During the 8-9 months that we were split up, we did go through a divorce and it was hard. I didn't want to divorce him. I just wanted the hurt to go away. I found myself thinking about him while we were apart. I would hear songs on the radio and think about some of the "good" memories. I found myself daydreaming about how he would wear a certain shirt or say something korky to me. I think that after we go through something so hurtful with our spouse, after the hurt and maddness goes away, there are times that we find ourselves thinking about what was good in the relationship. Did I forget about how much he hurt me? To be honest, no, I didn't forget, but I wanted to forgive and try again to see if there was anything that could have been done differently. At that time, I don't know what I was thinking, because he ended up cheating on me again. Where was my brain?
Why does he/she think that it won't hurt you if you never find out? Well, because most of the time, they feel as though they can get by with it, without your knowledge, but most of the time, we do eventually find out. "What they don't know, won't hurt them" is the sentence that I have heard many of times. What a load of crock ! What happens when we do find out? Alot of times the adulterer gets caught up in the fact that they are having way too much fun to even think about the consequences of us finding out later. Oh how I wished that he would have thought about things before he got involved with "her". The past almost always comes back at us in the future. I wished that he would have thought about "us", our family and our future before he decided to be with "her".
When I finally got tired of trying to find out who the new "other woman" was, I got very bold. I got brave. Boy I tell you, I was darned right mad. She happened to call one day on his cell phone and left him another message. This time she was asking him to stop and pick her up a cheeseburger before he came over. Even though I was getting bold, she was getting bolder. She was finally having the nerve to leave him messages on his cell phone, the same phone he conducted for business. And the funny thing was, I was the one on his answering machine. He wanted it that way. Trying to figure out whose voice was on the machine about drove me crazy. Why did it have to happen? Why does a man, who has everything, want to put his family in jeapady, knowing that I would eventually find out?
When do you know that you've had enough? That honestly depends on you totally. Some people go on for a very long time, trying to actually find out if their mate was REALLY cheating, like I did. Some cannot take it very long and get out of the relationship quickly, bing-bang-boom !!! So, how do you know when it's time to leave, or try to work things out? The ultimate decision is yours. It also depends upon how your mate is acting. Does he/she want to try to work your marriage out? Are they willing to go to counseling? Are they actually showing a sign of remorse for their actions? If so, sometimes things can be worked out, providing they honestly show that they want to make it work. If they want to just do as my ex-husband did, and throw it over their shoulders and move on because it's over between them and the other woman, then things will be very hard to keep it together. For me, I had had enough of "oh, I am so sorry, it won't happen again" over and over to the point that I couldn't believe him anymore. I can say that I honestly tried. But the decision is yours to make and no one can tell you when it's time to go. sometimes talking to someone can help open your eyes a bit.
No matter what was going on in our lives while he was cheating, nothing was right. There could be no peace in our house or amongst ourselves period. No matter how much I cried, pleaded or downright begged, he was not going to stop his behavior. What can we do to stop the cheating? To be honest with you, you cannot do anything about it alone. The behavior coming from the cheater can only be corrected by them. They have the WANT to stop cheating. They have to WANT to be with you only. How can we get them to this point? Actually, you cannot make that choice for them. They must want to seek help for themselves. When I actually told him that I was not going to be with him anymore because of his cheating, only then, was he willing to try and work things out. Was he actually willing to go to a marriage counselor, or a minister to talk things out? In my case, he only wanted me to throw it over my shoulder and forget about it. How sad I was to hear this.
I questioned myself over and over wondering if I would be able to stand on my own two feet. It's hard out there in this great big world. Women can make good money but they still don't earn as much as men do. You must also factor in the reality that most women have custody of the children most of the time and child support doesn't cover much. I know for a fact that clothing a teenager these days can be downright tough. How can you make it on your own? Well, it's not simple, but it is possible. Believe me, getting or having a job that's good is very important here. Starting over is hard......but it can be done. Believe in yourself.
My oldest son came down to visit me yesterday and we had such a great visit. Everyone who met him commented on how much fun he was. He was so full of jokes, laughter and you could really call him the "life of the party". I saw in him how much he was like me and was proud to let everyone know that he took all his silly and goofiness from me. After he left, life settled back down to the normal and as I went in to work this morning, something happened. I then realized that I was no longer the same person that he knew me to be. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat in a moment of silence and thought about it to myself. "What has happened to me?" As the tears rolled down my face, I realized that I was no longer the happy-go-lucky gal that I used to be. "Where did I go?" I felt like all the years of unhappiness had taken away ME !!! I sat there wishing that I could have some of ME back again. I don't have the joy that I once felt in life. Could all of the worrying about his infidelity have taken so much from me? To be honest about it, I know now that it did. I feel sad about it. I let this cheating man, whom I loved dearly, squash all of my happiness in life out of me. I let him take away something I had had all of my life, my joy, and that was a part of my personality. I know that getting older also has it's effects on changes in your life, but I lost something that I didn't even realize that I had lost. I shouldn't have let his cheating rob me of ME....... if you are dealing with infidelity in your life, please take care not to lose a big part of yourself. You need to take care of YOU.