Wierd phone call, such a strange message to leave someone. Maybe it's for someone else? I thought to myself, maybe it was a wrong number. Anybody can make the mistake of dialing wrong. OH how I wanted to be right. There wasn't anything else I could do. The rest of the visit at my daughter's house went well and we came back home without any further incidents. Life carried on as normal. Once again, I noticed a few private calls came through but they showed not answered. Hum, was she trying to reach him again? Will she never give up? What was it that she had that made her keep trying? I tried not to let it bother me, because the calls were not answered. But deep down inside me, I was troubled. What would happen if she called him again and the next time he picked up the phone?
Things went on day by day, he staying busy with his business and I kept on doing what I needed to, working, cooking and such. One day I needed to go and visit my grown daughter and it was about a 6 hour drive. I didn't want to go alone which I did most the time and asked him to take a break and go with me. Much to my suprise, he said yes. We left, making the trip up and that went well. When we got there, we were all caught up in the business of visiting. I went to the extra room to get something and I just so happened to try and use my phone but couldn't as the phone was not getting any antenna....so I used his. I also saw that he had a message and he knew I had his phone and I normally checked business calls anyways because I was the one who wrote down all the messages. He didn't like writing down phone numbers and stuff so I naturally did this. Much to my dismay I heard a message that was very disturbing. There was a lady on the message that said "I need to borrow money to pay the water bill". She also want on to say how much it was and for him to call her back. No name. No number. I let him listen to it, and he told me that he had no idea who it was. I was miffed...upset and couldn't say anything because I didn't have a clue as to where it came from or from who. He offered me nothing.
What was I thinking? I have heard that old saying"once a cheater, always a cheater" but that may not necessarily always be true. I believe that people can make mistakes. I wanted so much in my heart to believe that he was sorry for his mistake and that he truly wanted our family back together again. When I found that he had money hidden in his vehicle, that THAT was a bad sign. The hiding and deceit. Not only was there money in his van, but fancy men's cologne. I was taken aback by all of this and I started wondering what else I was going to find. I didn't want to look for anything...I had already found enough. I wanted things to stop. I wanted things to be right. I only wanted the man to love me for who I was and for me to be all that he wanted in life.
Now, while all of this was going on, I still had kids at home. I wanted so badly to try and keep our family together, after all, we already divorced a couple years earlier, and I kept thinking " maybe IF I had done THIS one way or maybe if I hadn't done that" then maybe he would not have cheated on me in the first place. I wanted to try things again, and I wanted to put our family back together again. My kids wanted that so much....and that is why I wanted to give it another try. I didn't know that after he cheated the first time while we were married, that he would do it again after we got BACK together. Geez, what was I thinking? And then to start finding money that he was hiding...that was something else.
As time went on, I found silly reasons to get inside his van... my curiosity had gotten the better of me I'm afraid. Well, I am only human here. He was hiding money and I wanted to know if it was still happening. Sure enough, it was. Sometimes there would be lots of money, sometimes not. Now, just in case you are wondering, he's wasn't a smoker, and he quit drinking a long time ago. This man was extremely picky about what he ate, so what was going on? I look to see what else is there, in plain view.....and guess what I found? I found men's colognes... not only 1 bottle, but 2. One was very cheap, like from the dollar store and then I found a more expensive one. I hated to question him about it, so one day when he had me get something out of the van for him, I asked him where did it come from.....and to my suprize, he answered me. It was from a client. What do you think about that? A nearly $50 cologne came from a client. Why would a client, even a regular one, give him such an expensive gift?
So, if he is hiding money in his van, that makes me curious as to what else is he hiding from me.. and to tell you the truth, I didn't even know. He has a right to have money to spend, but what is all this extra money doing hiding in his van, and what is it's purpose? You know, this hiding attitude really does make someone even more curious and suspicious than ever before. IF he doesn't have anything to hide, then he should hide nothing. This sneaky behaviour had me thinking about the past and what was going on. I wondered if there was more to it and if I should go looking again... I didn't want to but he had my curiosity peeked to the highest level here.
So, when you ask those questions and get no answers I guess it means that they don't want to deal with you or with what's going on. To this very day, I still don't know why he was hiding money in his van. And this became frequent as time went on. He did not allow me to ride in the van with him very often. We always had to go places (which was rare we went together) in my car. There were times that I had to get into the van, and I found money stuck in all kinds of places. What was this for? I STILL got no answers. Sounds a little funny to me, that there would be $20's and $100's stuck in various hidden places in his vehicle.
What do you do when you come to a "stand-still"? I asked, and got no answers. Why would this man be hiding a hundred dollar bill in his truck? What was it for? He always told me that he didn't like money and that it was evil...ok?? I didn't want his spending money, because I had money of my own. I worked full time and made enough money so I didn't need his, but I did need him to help with paying the bills. We were both paying half of everything, but it always seemed like I ended up paying more than he did. Especially since I bought all the groceries too. What can you do when you are not getting any answers? I tell you, it made me so angry. I was frustrated to not get anything. Oh, well, I got alot of "I don't knows and I forgot". Hitting that brick wall was one of the hardest things about trying to talk things out. There was no talking in this case.
The credit reports were all squeaky clean, except for this one particular credit card.....one that he SUPPOSEDLY opened up while we were together. I again questioned him about it and he told me that he did NOT open up that card. So, where did it come from? I was puzzled. I wanted to believe him but it was hard. Anyways, as far as getting that van, he did. He had to come home early that day and clean out the old one, as he was trading it in. Things went well with the transactions. We drove away from there with the newer one. It sure was pretty. However, the next day, while I was at work, he called me. Wow, he doesn't call often, unless he wants me to do something for him, so I surely knew something was up. Sure enough, it was. He told me that I had to call the dealership up and tell them that he forgot something out of the old van. So, we went up there--an hour drive one way, to get this "something" out of the old van. I was wondering what could it be? Well, he would not tell me what it was, until we got there. Much to my suprize, he started taking the front piece of the floor off, in the middle of the seats, and he pulled out a $100. bill. Oh my goodness. I was wondering what was going on here. Had he been hiding money from me? Money that we needed to pay bills, to buy groceries and to keep the household running? I was very upset. I questioned him and he told me that he just forgot that he left it there. I was very hurt, and of course, he wasn't talking.
I never could get settled enough to finally feel at ease. I shouldn't have had to worry so much. But I did. I was back to trying to do what I could to make things go easy. One day, I was looking at vans online because his van was very old and he was needing a newer one for his business. He was not able to do this online because he didn't know anything about computers for one, and for two, he spoke English, but not very well. To be quite honest, he could speak English, but didn't like to, and since he didn't try as hard, he wasn't as fluent as he should have been. Anyways, I found this really beautiful van that he could use for work. I showed it to him and he liked it. So, I started the process of setting up the paperwork. In the midst of all of this, his credit had to be checked out, so I helped him with this. He had wonderful credit, but what??? what was this? He had credit with an account that I knew that he didn't have before. And it was showing late......actually no payment on it at all? I, of course, asked him about it, and he had no clue nor had he applied for it. So, what was going on here?
So, things went on like this for awhile. I continued to work, take care of the kids, took care of his business and kept a watchful eye out for anything out of the ordinary. I watched for when he came home and would go out into the garage ever so often to see what he was doing, trying to make it seem like I was interested in what he was doing, when I was really trying to find out if he was guilty of something. We seemed to get along alright. So, did this make me feel like things were going to settle down? yes, for a time I felt some relief. I still stayed on guard for anything to happen though.
Maybe he just wanted me to try again and since I was trying, he was confident that he could do as he pleased. Well, one thing about him coming home and staying in the garage was that I knew where he was. That was one good thing. I didn't trust him, I'm sorry to have to say, because he had put me through so much over the years. I wonder what happened. Where did our love and trust go? And why was this happening to us? There are so many people in this world that get married and stay married. Why did I have to have so much trouble ? Maybe I did something to deserve this? No, I don't think so, but it sure felt like it.
Besides being so obvious, he really was acting strange. Yes, it's nice to shower when dirty, but 3 times a day? It was getting past the stage of ridiculous. He was pouring on the cologne each time and I started wondering why this was all necessary. He was a proud man. He was such a hard working man, and most of the time, he preferred working than relaxing. He would come in, and not let me know he was home, unless I just so happened to look out the window and see his van at home and he would stay in the garage, working. It was almost like he was trying to avoid me. But why? He was the one who kept begging me to forgive him. So, why was he acting like he was avoiding me? This was certainly strange behavior on his part for sure.
This lasted for a couple of months, at least everything was quiet. I was relieved that finally there was peace. I was able to go to work and not have to be crying at the drop of a hat. I was able to go to the grocery store in peace, however, I felt like HE was more demanding of me. He wanted me to buy special foods "just for him" that the rest of our family didn't eat. He wanted to come home and stay out in the garage until it was bedtime. He got to where he was coming and going in the house several times a day. He was also showering SEVERAL times a day....saying that he was sweaty from the job he just completed. He worked for himself, and I am the one who got his business started up for him and I knew that he had alot of customers, but this coming in and out and showering so much was starting to peak my curiosity. Why was he doing this?
So, being a very forgiving soul, I tried to put things back together again. Yes, things were going alright for awhile. I was still so leary, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But to my suprize, things did get better. Work went on as normal, and our daily routine seemed to go alright. All the while, I still worried and wondered about what happened in our past. I wanted to know details, but didn't want them that much. I wanted to feel wanted again. I wanted to be loved and not have to compete with anyone else. How long would this last?
He was begging and pleading with me to as he said "it's over with, why can't you just forget about it?" oh, such classic words. It made me so mad when he said that. There wasn't any way that I COULD just forget about it. How are you supposed to do that? That was something simple for him to say. And he was serious about it. I tried very hard to be forgiving, but forget? Ha, that was another story. I felt stronger and finally decided to "forgive" him once again, after all, I had not actually seen them together but yes, I had more than enough evidence.
Time went by, but it felt like it had gone on forever. Things were starting to improve, or so I thought. I was carrying on with real life and he was trying to make things go back the way they were. I wanted to be a family again, but I was scared. Well, I just didn't want to break up AGAIN, because we had already done that. I still had a teen at home and we also had our daughter with us and we were just living together. Sure, he had been my husband for many years and we were divorced, but we were back together again. Why couldn't this work? I wanted it so desperately. So, one day, I thought that maybe since things had calmed down, we could try it again. I was very unsure about all of this because of the infidelity but I figured that since I had been through councelling, I would be a stronger person. I was stronger, but I was also weary of all that we had been through.