If He Loved Me So Much, Why Did He Cheat On Me?

This is a question that I asked myself over and over for many years. I could never figure out how you can love someone and then go behind their back and be with someone else. Was it for adventure because our marriage/relationship was getting old? Was it because he felt that he could get away with it? Was the other woman so compelling that she gave him more than I could? There are so many questions and for the most part, no answers. Although I expected an answer, even thinking that an answer would help me to get some closure on my pain, I never got it. I was left with nothing. Why couldn't he answer me? Well, as far as I can figure, sometimes they can't even give you an answer to the question....yes, infuriating but true. Sometimes they feel as though they are in another world and they can live this way until you discover it. Whatever the answers, there's nothing that can be done about something that is already done. What comes next, is you must deal with it and even if that means accepting that you might not get the answer. Do you move on easily from this point? No, it's never easy, because it's your life, your future. What you CAN do, is think about things before really deciding on what's right for you.

122 comments:

Sammi said...

Dear Debbie,

I am there with, believe me. I have asked and pondered the same questions and also have never really found an answer either. So, what do we do now? I have been arguing with myself for five years now and do not yet have the answer. One thing I do know is that it is all about trust, but if he does not see or deal with that effectively, then what?

Milena said...

I just found out my husband for 1 month cheated on me and I can't even tell him I know because I went throuh his stuff...I am trully hurt, totally lost...He tells everybody that I am the love of his life and that he married "his best friend" and so on....
...just wanted to share....

Anonymous said...

Recently discovered my Husband of 30yrs, while having a "midlife crisis" spent a night with two hookers while away on business. When that did not satisfy whatever it was he was looking for he formed close friendshiops with several women while away on regular business trips and although he did not become intimate with them he came very close. I am totally devastated, my world as I knew it has ended. He was my first and only and before this, I his.

Anonymous said...

AnonymousII,
I recently found out my husband of 14 years cheated on me about 8 months ago. He left his email up and I found emails that contained pictures of a young woman from an escort service. His emails included what she and he would do while he was away on a business trip. I'm devestated, I don't know if I should confront him or leave him. I'm so hurt, I can barely stand to be around him. I feel so betrayed, I don't trust him anymore. Now I find myself checking his emails on a daily basis, checking his cell phone for incoming and outgoing text messages and/or voicemail and running to the mailbox to check his phone records. He said he has another business trip coming up but when I said I wanted to come along he said his trip might be cancelled due to a schedule conflict.

Anonymous said...

I found out my husband was cheating with a woman when he lived in italy . for over 3-4 years maybe more . he took her to places i will never go . he has pictures of them together . never of us . he tells me i need to get over it with in the last 4- months.
but he didnt get over in the 4 or so years. i dont trust him. we have been married for a very long time.also he saidthe same thing i always loved you . if this love i dont want it . im sure he still talks to her and sends emails .
what to do i dont think he knows how much he has hurt me. or i dont think he cares. he has change to someone i really dont know.

Vania said...

I recently found out my ex boyfriend was cheating on me. He alwasy put his kids as an excuse as to why i wasn't meeting them or why we werent' moving forward. He told me he wanted to marry me and he loved me. I found a receipt on his table for a motel (that we've never been too) and I found out he's been taking this one girl to this motel in a different city.. of course she lives there... what disgusted me more was that we went to cancun in the summer and he was with her and he lied about being with me on this trip... i told him never to call me again... i even went as far confronting the girl and telling her what kind of a man she was with... and sure enough the girl took him back a month later... i still have my dignity.. we haven't spoken since the break up in December... He really is a piece of work. All he could say was Im sorry... couldn't answer any of my questions... it's his loss and frankly his problem... we had something so good and he threw it ALL away for a girl he takes to a motel... I don't understand why cheating though? Why couldn't he just tell me that he wanted to date other people... A year and a half gone and wasted.. but im 28 and hes 42... he wont change.. he'll do to her what he did to me.. and shes 26... so hes with her just bc he can... Men are unbelievable!

Deirdre said...

I discovered my husband of 14yrs had been cheating on me for 3 yrs and was so devastated. We have two children and I kicked him out he said it was just an affair? I have never experienced such deep pain and hurt like this before and it will be really hard to trust again. I am so angry with him and I am trying to forgive him for the sake of my kids as he is their Dad and unfortunatly he will still be in my life because of them. How much time does it take for the pain to go away?

Debbie said...

Dear D,
unfortunately, it takes quite a bit of time for the pain to lessen. I was extremely hurt when my now-ex cheated on me, that it took YEARS. Life has to go on, and you eventually learn to feel less pain but it all depends on how he tries to make ammends and if he is sincere in that or not.

Anonymous said...

I found about my husband's affair after feeling pushed away for awhile and had a nagging feeling something wasn't right. I confronted him and he still denied maybe trying to avoid upsetting me any further. I hate the way I found out our son saw messages on his phone and could not bring himself to tell me until I practically forced it out of him. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for involving him. This is all so fresh only 1 week old and I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. We each saw a therapist individually and decided we would start couples therapy but he seemed to have a change of heart saying he's so confused and that makes me so frustrated. I don't think he would intentionally hurt me or was making plans to start a new life with OW. I think we both have tons of unresolved issues that need to be discussed before trying to "settle" for a sub par relationship. That's what got us to this place we are currently in.

Deirdre said...

I'm sorry that you are also going through this. I am almost four months into it where he now has an apartment and I have filed for divorce. My 13yr old son also was the one that found out and told me it was just horrible and such a shock and I only just discovered it had been going on for over 3 yrs he let me believe it was one yr as that is what I thought until I got my back dated phone bills. He is still with her although pretends otherwise and I hope that she dumps him they say these relationships never work out as they started in deceit. Good luck I suggest you kick him out but that is up to you....

Carri said...

I found out Sunday that my best friend, and boyfriend of two years is cheating on me. Not physically but emotionaily, through text and emails with a girl who lives states away. The worst part is, he was my best friend, and the person who helped me to decide I needed to leave my husband of 8 years prior to wooing me. After a year of very long dstance dating, I had him move in with me. I then got him an amazing job at my work, and have supported him and I for the past 4 months. All he ever says is "this is the happiest I've ever been in my whole life". If that's true....why do you need attention from other women? I thought I'd found the love of my life, but I've never been so hurt. He says he's "heartbroken" that I'm leaving him, that I'm not going to try to work this out. I told him "I don't believe the heartless know what "heartbroken" even means"

Anonymous said...

I found out in october of last year, after a near death experience in the hospital--after a routine gall bladder surgery. My husband had been "sexting" with a woman who used to work for him...and though she refused to be physical with him while he is still married--she had no trouble at all having an intimate sexual relationship with him through texts. When I began reading their hundreds and hundreds of texts to one another--i also discovered that he had slept with another woman in a hotel room one weekend when I had my girl friends visiting.
I sit here now...trolling the internet looking for someone--anyone to tell me how to get past this pain. I have never been this hurt in my whole life.
Beyond the text sex--he shared intimate details of our lives together--with her. The little moments that make a relationship special and unique--all ruined because they were no longer just for us. I also cannot believe how foolish i feel. How MUCH I trusted him... You know--he did TEXT all the time...he did carry his phone everywhere..but that didn't make me suspicious at all... Texting is in our culture now...we text more than we call...AND because i have platonic relationships with many men with whom i do NOT have sex--i figured my husband could have the same platonic relationships with female colleagues and industry peers. I would ask him who he's texting and he would tell me her name...and i would even ask him how she is doing..how's her house hunt.etc... I'm not jealous or suspicious... but i guess i should have been.
I told him i would give him a second chance. We are going to counseling. But, I feel as if we are skimming over the cheating part--in favor of moving this marriage forward. I have to say...i just don't think i'll ever get over the betrayal. I just think I'm doomed to a life of mistrust and pain. It sucks. He sucks. All of this sucks so much. There's not enough food in the world to comfort me. There aren't enough cigarettes to smoke or drinks to drink to numb these deep wounds.

Anonymous said...

I fell in love with a guy whom i met on holidays. I was 22 he was 23and he became an obsession i craved him all the time, we fell in love, it was the most powerful feeling i ever had. I never knew is was capable of having, until three years later i discovered he was cheating on me, seeing a woman with children not even divorced, i even saw their holiday pictures!! I was dihusted, but there is more... he was having an affair also with a married woman, a sexual affair, he made videos!!!! All this time i thought he was my prefect man and now i feel as though i had fallen in love with a dream. It takes ages for the hurt to go away, im only 26 and my views on marriage relationships have become so cycnical i feel as though i have lost a sense of innocence.

Anonymous said...

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me...I don't know why. I feel used up. Rapped and abused. He told me he Loved me everyday and said h wanted no one else, but that was obviously a front to keep me around. Why mess with my head like that? Why even go through the trouble...he doesn't realize it, but he has killed me and what I'm all about...I can' even remember who I really am aymore.

Anonymous said...

hello

Anonymous said...

Well to the anonymous person that wrote on July 5 I just want you to know that he doesn't love you but the most amazing thing is the rape.If he raped you you have to go to the police. He will do this to someone else and you have to turn him in.You are the same person you always were he just took something from you and he needs to be prosecuted it was not your fault and you can't blame yourself or it will effect you the rest of your life. You need to go speak to a counselor and do something about this. God would expect that out of you. I know it will be scary and it sounds like you really loved him but what he did is wrong and you have to make a stand and be strong. You could save someone elses's life.

Debbie said...

to be honest, I am so saddened by all of the ones hurting from being cheated on. My heart is with you. At some point, you must stand up for yourself and do what's best for you. Don't let your partner walk all over you and treat you badly...you deserve much better than someone who wants to cheat.

Anonymous said...

I recently got engaged and 6 mos later I found out my fiancee was cheating on me for a month. I'm so lost and confused. Before this all came to surface, I kept telling him I'm not sure that I want to get married and would go back and forth with the decision (he is 10 yrs older, established, and his life is perfectly on track..by established I mean...house is built and hes pretty much planted in that area....I graduated nursing school a few years ago and would like to travel and build a home together...etc) With that being said, I would become confused at times and tell him I don't think I can get married to him. This guy completely showed he cared, did everything right, but I emotionally "beat him up" saying I think we need time apart over and over again. Anyways, he was acting very distant for a few weeks, but still wanted to spend every free second with me, just wasnt the same...later, thats when I found out he was cheating. He claimed it was because he felt that I was unsure and that I didn't want him and he wanted to feel wanted. He said it stopped weeks before i found out because he felt so awful doing it. It was with a girl that has always wanted him, but he never desired her. He wanted the attention, but it didn't emotionally satisfy him because he wasn't in love with her. It has been near two months, and I live on my own, but he calls non-stop, and we have dinners together, but I am too afraid to go back to him. I realize now, I am in love with him and it doesn't matter where I live etc. The problem is, he cheated and whether I pushed him away or not, he still cheated. It haunts me daily, but he won't leave me alone. I spoke w the other girl and she did admit that he did tell her that he loved me and it was wrong of him and he did stop it, but again, he still cheated. He could've left me first. Then, when I did find out, he denied it for a few hours. He claims he didn't want to hurt me by telling my the truth, but then he snapped and said it all. I don't know what to think. I havent discussed this with anyone. All I can think about is why did I play a game with him. I would just get up and leave at times because I would freak out about marriage. I wasn't fair to him, but he didn't have to cheat. He continues to buy me things (which I won't accept)and wants to take a vacation together and work this out. Again, I'm not ready for that. like everyone else, I ask myself, does he really love me or does he just want something to work? How can he love me and cheat? Why would he do all of this after he cheated? I just don't know what to think or do. Please, anyone help.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, although you cannot deny his cheating and not wanting to accept it, you have to also ask yourself if you believe that it was a one-time thing or if you think that if times get bad again, that he will go off and do it again. You must follow your gut feelings on this one, and if you decide to try and work it out, it CAN be possible, but both of you must work on it together. Take things slowly. Nothing has to be decided over night. Only you can decide if you want to take this chance or not. He should NOT have cheated but tried talking with you about what was going on. What about his past relationships? Did he cheat on any of those that you know of? Think things through, get advice from people who you trust and then take it slow. I wish you the best..

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend cheated on me while I was pregnant and was even still talking to her. After I had mY baby boy. Then I recently found out there were more females before I was pregnant and he always told me he love me and he was the one who wanted me to have his child knowing I wanted to go to my dream university. All that went down the drain. I'm happy I have my sonand I will never regret him but I can't believe how badly I was played and for how long. Our whole relationship is a lie. I never been so upset. We use to live together but he convinced me to go back to my father's house until my son got older and we can get a biggerhouse togetherbecause my dad's house is bigger and I wont be lonely due to his grave shift. I find it as an excuse to bring the other girls over. Now I'm doing all the work by myself and I feel like a single mom. This was never what I imagined and now I'm just extremely depressed and feel like the biggest fool ever. I think its time for a therapist. My self esteem is so low and plus I still have the baby weight so I feel like I can't even move on. I basically feel stuck.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous,
I am sooo sorry to hear what you are going through. Sometimes it takes quite awhile to get through the hurt and pain that infidelity puts us through...but, you CAN get past this. It takes time but you have a blessing with your new son. Build on all the good things and start from there. I will be praying that things get better for you.

Sioux said...

We bought the seaside cottage over four years ago & my partner was supposedly renovating. I was 3hrs drive away but managed to visit every 2nd weekend bringing home cooked frozen meals for him as we still had no kitchen. I rang one Sunday morning & she answered. I totally lost it & he drove to see me to explain. He was so sorry that I walked out of my business to move here with him. He hasn't made my 16 months here easy, we've worked hard on the renovations but what he failed to tell me was that they have constantly seen each other & use 'our' home to meet when I'm at work. He has chosen her but won't live with her as she has 4 grown up children. He's told me that he's OVER the renovations & me, wants the half finished house sold, take his share & move on with her. I feel absolutely drained knowing how much time, energy & love that's gone into this relationship for nothing. The house looks like a disaster zone so we'll lose money. At this stage of my life, I'm 57, all I ever wanted was a quiet life doing all the things we enjoyed doing together to continue. We fished in the boat, gardened together, did everything together. I feel so betrayed.

Anonymous said...

Cheating is like roberry, big or small, own up or get found out there is no excuse. For all the ladies who have felt this pain of suffocation my heart goes out there to u all. So much time, effort & feelings invested in something can only mentally kill u when it feels like it was fake, u where not enough etc. Due to the human mind pyschology our brain can not rest because we dont have answers for why he did what we did & the truth is that they will never give us answers & the more we look for them the more signal the brain generates that cause pain. Once i heard someone say a pharase like i feel pain in my heart & i could never relate bcus how can u feel pain in ur heart? But oh yes when he does what he has u feel physical pain in ur heart from the moment u wake up till the last second u fall asleep. The truth is no one deserves to be cheated on & who ever cheated has issues. We always think his better off becus he cheated on us & we lost out but the truth of the matter is yes he did cheat & its because he never ever truely understood or valued us. They are in search of something that does not exist & never will so their journey will continue but deep doen they know in their heart they are a shit person and that feeling is not good. They need other women to feel complete in life, they have no self respect bcus if they did they would not have taken the risk to cheat bcus even at a very minimum there is atleast 1% they will get found out. A leapord never changes its spots. U can forgive someone but u cant forget & u cant live a life of knowing u have tried rebuilding trust when u know when u close ur eyes the mirror is all there but there are cracks that can never dissapear.
But never loose hope in life becus life is beautiful and all of u are beautiful people. Dont let someone who broke what they had and are now out there thinking they are having the time of their life let u not get ur share of happiness u deserve.
There are millions and millions of people in the world who this has happened to and i can tell u 150% there are experiences that are much worse than ours. This does not mean our pain should be forgotten about it just means that we should think & understand others may have gone through alot worse. Atleast we are still here to read write our stories
I am a firm believer of what happens happens for the best. We may not initally see the benefit of a bad experience but believe me there is & will be.

Ellie said...

I've never done this before so I don't know where to start. I dont want to blab on but I need some help. My partner and I have been together for 3 years. Due to be married on the 15th June (not happening now) we have an 11 month ild daughter. I've only just found out yesterday that after several nights out he had been going back to the same lady just to have sex. He denied it when I found out, until I met up with the girl in question and saw text messages on her phone from him, so I phoned him from her phone and he admitted it. I'm devastated. It's now 4.54am and I have slept, I feel sick, I hate him so much yet still love him, I've kicked him out and he keeps texting apologising, saying how he doesn't know why he did it, he's sorry and that he's ruined the best thing he's ever had, that he loves me and that he wants his daughter to have a family. He's answered all of my questions I've asked, he's cried, which he rarely ever does, am I being nieve to believe that what he's done is forgivable...? And that one day we might become one again? The last time he slept with her was when my little girl was 4 months. She's now 11 months. I feel do betrayed. I can't believe I couldn't see it, that I didn't know. I feel so stupid. Please help me. I'm not coping.

Debbie said...

Dear Ellie, honestly, you CAN love him and hate him at the same time because you love him as your mate, but you HATE what he has done to you and your family. The only way to know if it's going to work, is for you to think about what it is that YOU want. You must also wonder if he wants the same thing as you and find out where the two of you are on this. If he is willing to work on this WITH you, then he must be willing to be an open book for as long as you need him to be, in order for you to start being able to trust him again...and this may take a very long time. In my case, I worked on this with my now ex for YEARS....but he has to be willing to go the course of it. You do not have to make a decision right away, but you do need to think about it. Trust your gut instinct on this one and take it one day at a time. I hope this helps and if you need to ask more question, I will be here. Best of luck to you.

Amanda said...

My husband cheated on me with a co-worker who was still married at our work, while I was 8 months pregnant. He said she was there for him, because I was sick UTI's, gail stones, etc just tired from being pregnant.

She was sending him naked pictures, texting him and even got him to take her to Las Vegas for the weekend. He was always lying to me about all these friends that needed his help.

2 weeks after our son was born I got him to end it with her and they have no more contact. Unfortunately I do, I work with the whore.

My heart is broken and I don't know how to heal it. She was trying to have him get her pregnant and move in with her even though she was still living with her husband while I was about to give birth to our second son.

He just says he was in a bad place and not himself. He is great now, happy and the man I married, but I am not the happy strong confident woman he married.

When he kisses me, I think is that how he kissed her. When he laughs I think of the smile he had on his face in the picture I saw of the two of them together.

She needed to file bankruptcy in order to get a divorce from her 2nd husband and she is only 25.

She has been with 1/2 the guys in the office and she has only been there a year. He just liked her because she could go out drinking with him.

We are seeing a marriage therapist and I have my own counselor, it helps, but the pain will only go away with time. I hate that he thought he loved her. I hate that he would give up our family for nothing. I hate that this has emotionally damaged my four year old as I cried every night he left to go be with this other woman.

I hate that she still to this day steals my joy and my time. They were only together for 3 months, and he was gone when I needed him most. I hate that he cheated me of his time, lied to me and played me for a fool. I just want my soul to heal. I am tired of being a shamble of myself barely eating or sleeping. I have lost 10lbs in a week because eating seems pointless.

I hate that he can put his needs ahead of the family. I could never. My family is everything to me.

Pain, Pain, go away... and never come back. He asks me everyday if I am sure I can get through this and love him again or be better off with someone else.

The double life (lie) he was living was such a joke. He thought he was fooling us both, but we both knew it. We just weren't ready to confront him with it until I had the proof. I hate her for flirting with him, I hate that he fell for it. I hate that he made it seem like she was perfect for him, even though she is verbally and physically abusive.

Trying to find my happiness, laugh and love life again.

Anonymous said...

We have been together for 14 years. We both joined social networking sites. He made contact with old school friends. One he had a crush on. Lots of them met up one night. Then one night he said there was a few of them going around this womans house to watch a movie and chat. He came home just after 1am. She was a single mother. Then he was offering to help her move rubbish and anything she needed help with. We only get sundays all day together. He made plans to take her somewhere.this is when i realised something wasnt right. I put my foot down and said no,she can get a bus there easy enough. That evening when i came home from work,he caused a row and left saying he was confused and didnt know what he wanted anymore. In the next few day we sorted this out and he came home. In that time i digged into his emails and realised the movie night was just them to. He swore they were not in contact anymore. He often sat there looking upset. 4 months later,i went on his facebook messages while he was also on there and saw a message from a friend of hers telling him to leave her alone. He replied with,i have strong feelings for her and would do anything for her. I got in touch with the woman and she sent me emails he had sent her asking for a sex buddy relationship.she swears nothing ever happened . I have tried to move on with this for the sake of our 2 children. Again saw emails that e joined dating sites.i kept an eye on them,then he wrote out a profile so i new it was a recent thing. Any way we still together and things are going well. I do keep a check on him and think deep down e knows this. He said i didnt do anything that made him do this. But there must be something wrong with me to make him do this.even tho this was almost a year ago. I cant help but wonder y,wil i ever get over this?

Anonymous said...

Been married to my husband for 7 years , together for 9. We have 3 children together, 6,4, and 8 months. When my son was just 3 mns old, my husband started e-mailing and Texting an old girlfriend he found on the internet. I was so wrapped up in the kids that I didn't even see it at first. Then I noticed him arguing with me all the time, and would always leave. He would take his phone everywhere with him ...never once would he leave his phone to charge in the same room as me. He started drinking every day and there were days when he wouldn't come home. Some of my friends would ask me if he could be cheating, and I would tell them there was no possible way! He would never do that to me and his family. He loved us too much . After he got a DUI and spending a day in jail I found a message from a girl on his phone. I lost it and I was going crazy because I couldn't even talk to him about it cuz he was still in jail. We finally had the chance to talk and he admitted to everything. At first I wanted to continue to live with him cuz I didn't want to make it easy for this girl. That only lasted so long and I ended up moving out with my kids. I left him to stay in our home , to be free to do whatever he wanted ...but he was very lonely. He calls me everyday and tells me that he made the biggest mistake of his life. He said he was lost and he wants his family back. I love him still but I just feel betrayed and I'm scared to get hurt again. The days we didn't communicate, it was hard but it was helping me get over him but now that we are talking again it brings up all the feelings and pain . I told myself that I'm not going to give up without a fight...I have helped mold this person into a man (met him when he was 17 , now he's 26) and why would I want someone else to enjoy all my hard work. And why would I want to start new and possibly have to struggle like this 5 years from now. Im never going to find someone that loves my kids as much as their own father does so its worth another try. Not just for the kids, but for us, and for our family .

Anonymous said...

Bf cheated on me twice. Once with my first pregnancy and again with my third..come to find out the other girl might also be pregnant right now too. Life freakin sucks!

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, I feel your pain...I can only say that I hope that you will do what ever it is that is best for you. It all takes time to heal....(((hugs)))

Jessica said...

I am in a very difficult sittuation right now. I've been with my fiance for 2 years and we have a 6 month onld baby together. I also have two other girls with different dads. I cheated on my fiance over a year ago when are relationship was in shambles and I didn't even live in the same city anymore, we weren't even really together. It still was not right, I was in the wrong. It was a one time thing with my ex. Now over a year later we have a great relationship, a house together, and we have built a family together, we love eachother... or so I thought. When he asked me to marry him I gave him the option to go out for a while no questions asked and see if it was what he really wanted. He told me he didn't want that, he wanted to only be with me. Well he ended up cheating on me with some girl from work for like 3 weeks, bringing her to our house in our bed, and in her house in her bed, and staying over at our house and her house. This was from thanksgiving to christmas. He says he doesn't know why he did it. I feel so betrayed. He was having a relationship with this woman and her child. He told her my whole lifes secrets. I only found out because the girl got ahold of me and told me. Now he wants to get married in June. I love him so much, and I still want to marry him, but I don't know how I am suppossed to get over this and ever trust him again. I have to go out of town every so often for my other two girls... Anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone been where I am at? I feel so alone and betrayed right now.... I truely love this man and our life...

Anonymous said...

Where to start Been married for 30 years-together for 35. rown boys. Ten years ago my husband had an affair with someone that was a "VERY GOOD" close friend. We talked about everything. She befriended me. She often talked to my husband too, I always thinking it was very innocent. My husband had always played cards at a social club. All the players were also friends of OURS. One day it occured to me that something was "just not right". I questioned my husband about this card club thing and who was there,etc. My husband also does snow plowing in the winter and this girl asked if he could snowplowing Then in the summer do some lawn care, etc. The jobs at her place became more frequent as well as the cards playing times and hours he was gone. Natural suspicion set in so I borrowed a friends car and "with my own eyes" saw her with him on his lap hugging and kissing. I was even able to follow them to various places without their knowlwdge. I confronted him and he said I was CRAZY-I believed him. Finally I questioned several of the card players and my suspicions were founded. When he finally admitted that they meeting I demamded him to STOP and he said that he ENDED IT! After that I caught him at her house where I ly went to the door and went inside. It was a scene I never want to repeat and the BOTH agreed that it was OVER. It DID INDEED end! Ten years have gone by and he had been faithful and we went thru all the things someone goes thru to get back together. Things were REALLY GREAT but I never once wasn't looking over his shoulder. He never knew I was always gonna have this affair on my mind! In July of this year we were going thru some personal family things-stressful for BOTH of us. One day I was going into the store and on his cellphone comes a message "HI!" He never got text messages. I looked at the number it came from and it was HERS! Bells and whistels went off. I immediately questioned him about why was she texting him. He told me that he had just seen her oldest daughter, 3 days earlier and told the daughter to say hi to her mom. I knew this was a lie. When I came out of the store I DEMANDED an explanation. The lies started there. I immediately got home and started to check my cell phone bills and low and behold he had been talking to her for at least 3 1/2 months prior to the day that I saw the text message. Early in the morning, during the day when he "went out to the store", later in the night when he was in his office these phone calls were made. Most days there was at least 3-5 calls a day for 5 out of 7 days a week. Then when I demanded WHY, his answer was "I was under alot of pressure from all the family problems and just NEEDED someone to talk to. Not someone that you've had an "Physical AFFAIR" with- no matter how many years ago it was. The calls STOPPED. We got the family things under control and renewed our faith in eachother. We BOTH have agreed divorce is NOT AN OPTION! HE is actually the one that made it clear that he loves me with all his heart and that he would never divorce me and is deeply in love with me. It is me that is having a problem understanding how this happened! I am the one that brings up the fact that he decided to call her and talk to her for 3 1/2 months when I was here to talk to. He has GUY friends that he could have discussed these family problems with. AM I NUTS? I am deeply in love with my husband and I am SURE he is deeply in love with me-we talk all the time now but I just can't get over this betrail. Our life is GOOD! I want to call her even after 5 1/2 months and just tell her the damage she has caused for SO many years. Only a few close friends of mine know what has happened and they ALL tell me it's never too late to let her know how I feel? SUGGESTIONS, anyone?

Anonymous said...

Hi I wouldn't contact her at all if I were you it will make things worse, you would be giving her power. I too had my husband cheat on me for 31/2 yrs after 14yrs of marriage I was devastated when I found out but kicked him out and filed for divorce. This all happened 18mths ago and not a day goes by where I don't think.... how could he do this to me and our two kids but he did. He has not introduced her to our children yet or maybe he won't but I just think that guys that cheat are missing something inside in them intimacy or just some connection they should be feeling for their wives not mistresses. I don't believe that they love these other women but they do so much damage to the people they love by cheating. I could never take him back after all the pain he caused.

It is best to work out the marriage if you can but he is not being honest with you and maybe you should call his bluff and ask for a separation to see if he is serious about ending a relationship with this other woman.

I am sorry for your pain I know how it feels

good luck!!

Debbie said...

Hi anonymous, I think that I would not contact her either, and that's only because I have been there and done that and it didn't do me any good. It made her just try even harder to try and show me who she was....and it hurt so much. I found out a long time ago that you cannot control what the other woman does, nor can you control your husband...HE is the ONLY one that can control this situation and if he loves you like he says, then HE needs to darned well start showing it. I hope and pray that things get better for you...and yes, working it out is good....but remember...BOTH of you have to work on it, not just you. I wish you only the best.

Anonymous said...

Im a man who was in love with another man. We were going to get married and three months after i proposed, i found out he cheated on me with another man. I was given all the signs and i ignored them. Even friends tried to help me but i thought i saw a good person in him. I ended up suffering from my decision. I was so hurt and lost and confused. I asked myself the same questions over and over. I never found the answer and he couldnt give me one. I later found out he was seeing this other person more than once. I really did love him. After we broke up he asked me to stay with him and marry him. Of course i said no. Shortly after that he asked to be his friends with benefits. I was insulted and i truly saw what i was to him: someone to have sex with until someone better came along. I could have saved myself all the pain had i just listened to my friends. And theres this constant guilt lingering every day i live. I dont know how to extinguish that guilt. I feel so foolish. Every relationship ive been in has ended in them cheating or me being someone that some selfish pig cheated with. Its just this guilt that exists... why do i let people fool me like that? Why dont i listen to my friends??? What do i do?

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, you should not feel bad or guilty about what your partner did to you...it was all about HIM....you need to try your best to take a new stance about your life....which means that you pick yourself back up, and take one step at a time...do things for yourself....find a new hobby in life and be thankful that you did not get married. It's an extremely hard pain to go through when you love someone and they betray you, but I promise...life WILL get better for you. Take care of YOU ! with time, you will see that things will turn for the better...just one step at a time. Best wishes to you !

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend of almost 9 years started cheating on me with this girl in 2005. I made him break it off. then i found out he was living with her again. I took him back. He left the state they were in and has not been able to see her for 4 years. Recently i just found out that he has been emailing her and calling her. He went on a trip out of state recently and stayed at her house whats worse is some if his family has always known about this and actually likes this girl. Is she stupid. Doesn't she realize he's not leaving me for her.

Anonymous said...

my name is Grace and 1 have been with ma husband for 8years and we've been married for 1 year.ever since ma husband started working in 2008 has had one affair after another and he puts it out for me to see.ifound out in 2010 that he was having an affair before we got married bt i convinced him to let go coz we were about to get married.after our engagement he still continued with the affair and this year i found outthat he had never let got of that woman.am in alot of pain bse even as am pregnant now,he still leaves me in the house alone and sleeps at the other womans place.am so bitter and angry with my self for allowing him to hurt me for this long.am now pregnant he provides the care bt he's never home with me and yet he doesnt want me to move out.am so scared of the unknown and yet i still love him so much despite all the wounds hes inflicted on me.ithink i need spiritual help bse i feel like am aprisoner of love itself.ha has never showed gratitude for anythg i do for him..in his eyes,i feel like afailure all the time that i have to prove ma self that iam worth having.iam so tired and his family willnot listen to ma stories of separation.i have even tried to date someone else and although they are so good to me,i have failed to love them back.what can i do to escape this pain,hurt and betrayal?i feel cheated,used and unwanted,with avery low self esteem.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous,
this road of infidelity is never an easy one. although you love your husband, he has disrespected you and taken advantage of you and your love. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this...and especially now that you are pregnant. I think that you probably need to talk with a pastor, minister, or a well-trusted friend or family member, or someone that can see things without taking your husband's side automatically. You need to think about and to decide what you think is the best thing to do for you and your unborn child. If you are able to, would you be able to move in with someone else that can help you until you can get on your own two feet? unless, you are going to stick it out with him in hopes that things will change....but from the sounds of it all, what would you do if he continues on with the way things are now...would you be okay with that? I hope and pray that you will be able to make a decision that is best for you and your unborn child. Sometimes we all need help from others, especially while going through the pain of infidelity. Seek out a trusted family or friend....and I wish you the best. only YOU can decide if you can continue staying with him.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,

I know how you feel. This also happens to me. The worst part is that this guy was my best friend for almost a decade before we start dating. I gave him a second chance, because of our daughter. Now 2 years later, we finally ended our relationship. It's not easy, not what I had in mind, but I know (now) that I'm happier without a cheater & a liar.

Anonymous said...

I left my husband of 10 years almost 5 years ago. We had been together for 15 years, and when I found out he had been cheating on me for several months with one of his employees, I was devastated. We are divorced and split custody of our daughter. The shock was unbearable, and I am not stupid enough to believe that this was the only woman he cheated with. It was just the only time he got caught. The series of lies that followed were gut-wrenching. This man, who I had known most of my life, could not have done this. But he had. And the lies made it worse. I'm not sure if he was ever going to tell me, as I found out through a series of text messages. He immediately brought this woman around our daughter who was 6 at the time. He planned to move in with her, but she left him before the arrangements were solidified. There are SO many questions I never got answered, and if I try to figure it out, it can drive me crazy. We have reached a point now, after 5 years, in which we can be cordial with one another. I think it is important, no matter what a jerk I think he is, to not bad mouth him to my daughter, as she idolizes him, and other than his terrible actions while we were married, I do believe he is a good father to her, and she needs him. I have been seeing a man for a couple of years now, who I love dearly. He has been a dear friend since we were in high school, and are beginning to discuss the possibility of marriage. Admittedly, I am still scarred from my wrecked marriage with my daughter's father. I want to be with this man, and I don't let myself entertain thoughts of distrust, until I have reason to have them. I worry about the "what ifs". What if he cheats on me too? But I can't live there, or I will never move forward. And as happy I am about my new relationship, I still have days that I break down in tears over the thought of what happened with my ex. Sort of like post-traumatic stress. It's like I'll be going along with my life, perfectly happy, and then, BOOM! I am replaying the moment I found out about his affair. Then I start to doubt myself, and wonder why I'm still thinking about this, and giving the guy this much power. If I am having periodic thoughts about how bad that hurt, does it mean that I'm not ready to be open to another marriage? B/c I'm not sure that there will ever be a period of time that I won't think about it. But maybe I'm wrong. I didn't think at one time that there would be a second that went by w/o me thinking about it, and now I'm so far beyond that time in my life. Don't get me wrong: I do not want to get back together with my ex. There are some really good memories, and I don't hate him anymore, and I have a daughter b/c of him. I also love my current boyfriend very much (we don't live together) and am very interested in moving forward with him. But sometimes, these haunting thoughts and images just don't go away. No matter what I do. I would like to tell the ladies who are just getting the news or freshly on the other side of an affair, that it definitely gets easier, but it does take a lot of healing. I realize that I am still healing, but I would like to ask those of you who are over 5 years out, does it get easier?

Anonymous said...

I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we met during a summer job and had a long distance relationship. We would see eachother every month or so and during longer breaks/holidays. He was my first everything. I even helped him get into medical school. He said he loved me and seemed completely head over heels talking about wanting to be married right away. Early on in the relationship he said he slept with his ex girlfriend and to my surprise he had not actually completely broken up with when we met. I forgave him but I don't think he ever really thought it was cheating since he kept saying it happened so early on.

Our relationship went on, but there were always things a doubted about him. Turns out he cheated his way into a prestigous medical school and had cheated academically throughout his career. He also was never faithful to a single girl he was with and would say things to me that would make me feel awful- about myself. I had come from a really abusive family and didn't have a family as a result, he was my family for awhile. He knew this but I suppose that didn't matter. Towards the end I felt he was distancing himself from me. I found that one of his classmates was gettung a divorce and my BF at the time was consoling his friend and his friend's wife. Well he cheated on me with his friend's (now ex) wife and is now married to her. He never told his family that he cheated on me twice and whenever we would get into arguments he would make sure to let his family know what I did wrong but never what he did. As a result and for no other reason his mother absolutely hated me. She went off on me once and kicked me out of their house and more or less called a slut. My parents are divorced and she commented that because of that I am likely to become divorced later on in life and am a liability for her son. She also would make comments on how I was only interested in her son because he was going to be a physician without acknoledging the fact that I was pursuing a doctorate of my own and I helped her son with his admission examination and application.

Looking back now I wish I had never met him- and often wish him hurt and pain. He has cheated his whole life and seems to have been rewarded with a career and academic success. He has never told anyone , and most likely his now wife that we broke up because he cheated on me with her or the awful and demeaning things he would say to me. He is a real jerk, and part of me just wants alot of pain and hurt to come his way still. He is someone who I don't think is really capable of really loving and that is most likely why he never had remorse for things he did and was so ashamed as to not tell his family or friends. I think the worst was that he seemed sorry for our relationship ending but not for anythind he did. He never took ownership for his actions or apologized for hurting me. He is a real coward and I would imagine is still operating similarly today.

I am with a wonderful person now who is better for me in every way and who I can say really does actually love me and has never stopped.

People say what "goes around comes around" but I don't think that is always the case. I regret having ever met my ex and falling for such a slimy lowlife and for letting him and his family treat me so poorly without standing up for myself. Will I ever stop wishing hardship on my ex?

Debbie said...

Dear anonymous,
I believe that the longer time you have away from all the bad that your ex did to you, the easier it will be to stop wishing bad things on him....you need to try your best to let some of your bad feelings toward your ex go, so that you can move forward with your new partner. It may not be easy, but it's possible.. I wish you all the best !

Anonymous said...

My husband of 6 years cheated on me too he works graveyard shift now And it bothers me.

Anonymous said...

Six years together.I found out after 1 year he had cheated briefly because he IM'd about it with an exgirlfriend, she copied&posted it on her blog because she thought it was a funny conversation.I wasn't laughing when I stumbled upon it a few months later. I broke up. He sweet-talked me back, wrote a letter in which he claimed he was finally telling me the whole truth because if he didn't it would just mess things up for us later...and I believed. Three years later, I find a blog by a "friend" of his and she describes their YEAR affair and says she is so hurt because it's over!!!! I break up with him, again he cries and sweet-talks and lies. I feel so stupid...he said he was only with her "a handful of times". Later I found out it was of course much much more, she had been pregnant, he had told her he broke up with me (didn't tell me though!), talked her into an abortion, took her to get it. Once during their year I had got suspicious and asked him many questions. We lay in bed and talked for three hours, I felt so close to him, even when he admitted kissing her once but said it wasn't intentional. Fast forward to five months ago, and he says he suddenly "clicked" with someone so he's done with me-- 24 hours after he had told me "I not only love you, I am still IN love with you". Now that the scales of stupid love have fallen from my eyes I realize that day we lay in bed and talked was doubly fake because he had just spent the previous evening in bed with ANOTHER "friend" before coming to me! I feel enraged as I realizing I'm an even bigger chump than I thought. And now I know the original 'honest' letter about his first cheat was lies too...this hurts even more, to pretend to confess and cleanse the soul but really to tell more lies. And those lies HAVE messed us up. So this makes at least three and I am sure there must be others, but we are done and haven't had contact for 5 months. I despise him and even worse I despise myself. I keep picturing all the times he spoke sweet words of love and now I realize it was all fake and he was just spreading little dried turds in front of me. How can I be so incredibly stupid?? I can barely breathe and cannot concentrate on work which is really bad because I am a teacher. I have moments when I feel happy and I know I am better off without him but I am in so much pain and don't know if I can ever trust someone again.I don't even know if I can survive this. My heart pounds, I feel I might have a heart attack. I wish very much pain upon him and hope this new gal treats him as badly as he has treated me. I treated him extremely well; he said I was the best girlfriend in the history of the world. And yet he cheated repeatedly and lies relentlessly. I feel so broken.

Anonymous said...

I got pregnant on July with my boyfriend of 5 years we got married in Nov. Of 2011. On March 2012 a day before my baby shower he tell me he cheated on me with a co worker. I was shocked I thought our relationship was at it's best specially since we had just gotten married... I decided to forgive him and to give my son the opportunity to have a family....but I still have so much anger that I don't know what to do anymore. One day I'm fine and the next I hate him so much....I feel like I have so much hate and I don't know what to do. I still love him, but not like before....my hearts is just so shattered! What do I do?

ValColter said...

Oh my lord! My story is soliloquy similar to Vania's (above)! I was the exact same age as her, and my ex was the exact same age as her ex! And get this...the night Vania posted her story is the night I found out my ex cheated. January 15, 2011. I wish I could find her and talk to her. The coincidence is so similar til it's eerie. My ex only has one child, though.

I've been dealing with the betrayal for over a year now, trying somehow to find closure within myself. AND HE IS STILL DATING THE CHICK HE CHEATED ON ME WITH. I've tried pushing myself to date other guys, but I currently have no desire. I honesty want to move forward and wish them the best, but I just hate that their happiness had to come through betraying me.

Anonymous said...

I am heart broken. I found out that my fiance who I have been with for 3 & 1/2 years cheated on me 3 times over the past week with one woman. I am hurt, our wedding is in 4 months and I am to move to where he is stationed at in 2 weeks. I live in New Jersey and he is currently in Washington state. The woman messaged me on FB and asked if he told me about her. I was shocked, he never did anything like this before. At first he told me it was once and that he was drunk. He flew me out there to talk in person and then confessed it was 3 times consecutive days and has talked to her for a week. when he told her he wanted nothing to do with her she messaged me. While I was there she called his phone and threatened me!!! like I was the one who did something wrong. I could tell she wanted him and was jealous of me.But still I am lost. I am torn, one side of me is saying to leave him and the other is saying to let him try to fix it.

diane Nelson said...

i recently found out that my boyfriend of 4 months has been cheating on me since our first date! he also looks at porn and for available hookers online. i doubt he has see any but still.. the idea. and to make matters worse. i caught him cheating on me 4 others times before that. why do i stick around. because he says he loves me and im the one. shows me to his family. has me posted online as his and he said he wants to be with me forever. but think about it. do you really want this kinda relationship forever if hes doing this to you? dont be stupid like me. get out

Anonymous said...

My story was me and my husband have two children together. My son the baby of the family was when it kinda started. I noticed myy husband had to work all the time never used his phone in front of me or would have to walk away or ignore it. Always had to help his friends out and would be gone all nite and I let it cause I never thought he would ever cheat. I had my son and he still continued to never ever be home and I knew and felt something was wrong for awhile. My friend seen him at the store with this whore and he took off from the parking lot. My friend told me and I confronted he denied said just a friends duaghter he picked up from work. Well guilt got to him and he confussed tried to work things out and told me he needed time and still continued to be with her and lie to me and see other woman cause she had the balls to call and tell me. I was at my breaking point and ignored him as much as I could but my love for him and not wanting to be with him for my kids was sostrong. I started going to church and asked him to come and he did and we have been going to church every Sunday got saved together and he is now living back at home. This girl will not leave him alone and I have two babies that mean more to me than smacking a whore around. I still have a lot of bad days a regret and I cry a lot cause the pain is so bad at times. He more of less acts like nothing happened but told me he hates and feels terrible and doesn't want to hear her name everyday so I don't say anything. Just hurting so bad I. Sit and think to much. We were like two peas in pod very close and then I had children and all my time wasn't to him and I guess he felt pushed away idk but still having a horrible time and we have been together for 12yrs now

Anonymous said...

I'm 38wks pregnant. Juz found out that my fiance cheated on me around may(according to him) when I confronted him about it he denied and said they r juz collegues. Until I saw some some pictures of this lady on his ipad. He wrote "my girl bday". I thought I was dreaming as I thought I'm the girl for him. He denied,and said it was his friends girlfriend bla bla! So I've decided to trace the woman beause my intiuation was telling me he's lying. I managed to get the womans numbers and called her. She did not deny anything and told me their relationship is complicated and she's got her own boyfriend. She aid they've been seeing each other for over 2yrs!(Yhooo). I confronted him about it, that's when he admited knowing the girl but said they only kissed! Liar! I did not buy it and questioned him further n asked him to swore on quaran that he only kissed the girl. That's when he told me the way he's sorry n loves me, the way he hate himself for sleeping with that woman. He insisted that it only happened once. I'm hurting so deep. I want to put everything behind but its just so impossible. I'm shattered we have a 4yr old son and we've been together for 6 yrs!

Forbidden love said...

I met my now ex husband when he was 18 and I was 20. I've known him for 14 years and we were married for 7 we have two boys one 7 and the other 2. He told me his dirty little secret 3 weeks before our sons 1st bday. The SOB kept it to him self for 2years . He told me he was in "love" with a women at work he told me because he felt guilty . My whole world fell apart before my eyes I couldn't believe the word coming out of his mouth I trusted him, I still can't believe he's done this to me and my family after everything we went through to be together he even converted to my religion to marry me I was willing to give up my whole family for him I supported him when his mum kick him out when was 19 I went through hell to be with him and all I every wanted and believed was that he would always put me first always love me and NEVER cheat on me. We had everything he had everything and when it came down to him keeping his vows the weak SOB couldn't even do that! I can't tell you how much I have cried how worthless I feel knowing he was willing to leave me and our 2boys for so home wrecking bitch he's only known for 2years. The shame I feel when I'm around my family knowing that in their eyes I couldn't even keep my husband. I kicked him out on September 1st 2011 after reading a text she had sent him I wasn't going to put up with his lies anymore so I took his house keys off his chain and put his things in black bags it was until he got half way to work that he noticed that they were missing. U know what really makes my blood boil it's women like her who go after married men and don't give a shit about what they are doing! Don't get me wrong he more to blame as he was the one cheating on his wife and kids but if she wasn't up for it I wouldn't be a divorced mum of two! The word "divorce" is rarely used in my culture 10 months down the line my divorce was granted on Friday 13th July 2012 how ironic! That's one date I'm never going to forget. I've lost my best friend ,my soul mate the only man I have ever been with who I trusted with all my heart I don't know how I will ever get over the pain he has caused. Knowing he is with another women the women he chose over me kills me! I miss the having someone there for me when I get home someone to hold me and take care of me for a change.if I didn't have my boys I wouldnt want to live the pain is overwhelming I just want to scream! Why am I the onlyone suffering and not him? How could he do this to me? 14 years together meant nothing to this man knowing the complete and utter hell I would be in never stopped him from betraying me. You know what makes this worse when I asked him what didn't u have what was lacking? he says " nothing u were too good for me" what a load of crap! Was that meant to make me feel better? 9 months after I kicked him out and after crying my eyes out telling him how stressed and alone I feel the very next thing he says to me is "he wants to introduce her his " MIstress" to the boys! I couldn't believe this is the father of my boys,the heartless SOB! As if it isn't bad enough knowing he is with her he wants to play "happy families" with that home wrecker with my Kids! I can't bare the thought of HER being nice to my boys . I never hated someone so much in my life! As long as they are together I will never have peace and now that we are divorced he can remarry,that will just kills me. How will I ever trust anyone ever again? I'm going to be 36 in September divorced mother of two, my friend keep telling me I won't always feel like this and the worse response u will find someone. I know they are only trying to help but they don't understand their culture is completely different and remarrying is an option . I will never forgive him for what he has done and I hope it doesn't last!

Anonymous said...

I've been with my partner for two years. I met him rather quickly after coming out of a 14 year relationship with a man I never loved but had two children with. He had his own issues and st the end it got really bad and he tried to kill me. When I met my current partner he was totally different he was sexy, interested in what I had to say and the connection was just there I fell in lI've with him instantly he eventually moved in with me and my children but things just didn't seem right he would stay out all night but insist he had just been with the boys.he would tell me I was paranoid when I would confront him with my suspicions. I kicked him out loads of times but would always take him back as he would convince me I was going mad and my mistrust with him was coming from my experience in my last relationship I started to believe him and things started to change I fell pregnant twice and had two miscarriages early on he wasn't much support on the third occasion the pregnancy was normal we had our beautiful baby girl we was still rowing but things looked like they was improving I suffered for about a year and half with constant vaginal infections had loads of tests done but drs failed to get a diagnosis. My baby was 6 months old when he called me in to say I had tested positive for chlamydia. I knew I had been faithful so went home and confronted him he denied it at first but eventually admitted it only through guilt I think as I told him that it could effect our baby's eyesight do I needed to know when it had happened if I had had it through the pregnancy as it could have been passed on to her during labour. He told me he cheated once before I was pregnant and that I must have had it all through the pregnancy I was gutted. Several weeks on our daughter is still being treated for chlamydial conjunctivitis and I still have symptoms despite two courses of treatment. I'm devastated we agreed to try and work through it but I'm finding it more and more difficult every day as he hasn't just hurt me he's hurt our baby she could have been born still born or blind because of his actions he says he's ashamed and sorry but I don't think I can ever forgive him. This has crushed me I feel like a fool I've gone from one bad relationship to the next I don't know what I have done to deserve the relationships I've had can anyone shed any light?

Anonymous said...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 years I found out about 2 months ago he was cheating but started about 9 months ago I heard his phone go off he was asleep I grabbed it not thinking anything and seen the text on the screen it was a girl saying oh I love the way you talk to me so I confronted him he said it was nothing a joke or something and he would not talk to this person again but the conversation turned quickly into him telling me all this heartbreaking stuff that he loved me and always would but he was not attracted to me anymore our sex life was horrible I felt stupid and was hurt but I have been with this man forever and I still love him with all my heart he hugged me and told me he didn't want to say anything and hurt me but he didn't think anything was going to change things got worse he would stay out all night and sometimes not come home till the next day I guess I was stupid but I really didn't think he was cheating he was always honest even if it hurt and he said he wasn't he was just unhappy with his life and he wasn't sure about us it hurt but we were working on it there were some really bad nights I never wanted to be the person to start to snoop but I did and did not like what I found on his phone when I asked him again if he was cheating he lied and that broke my heart I know this man and this was not him I showed him the texts and he got mad at me I invaded his privacy and I had no right it was my fault but there was no denying it now I pushed him until he finally told me he was but wouldn't say anything else she sent a text saying how much she loved him that's when I flew off the handle I made him talk to me and found out it was someone we both knew as a couple his best-friends girl this whole time I was devastated and angry how could he do this too me I have always been fateful and good to him I did everything for him he was not only sleeping with her but was in a relationship after he told me everything I asked him if he was going to end this and if he did not want me anymore all he said was he didn't know what he wanted he didn't want me to be with anyone else but didn't know if he wanted me when the person you love the most tells you this is the most horrible thing to feel I was stupid I told him he had to make a decision because I am broken and I can't deal with this too much longer I asked him did you end it and he said yes I don't believe anything he says anymore I lost trust and some respect for him so I kept looking to see if he was still talking to her and he was one night he went out and didn't come home he got home a little later he had a child with another women before we got together and she left sate with him and he ran into her at the bar and they talked about him seeing his kid and this was a good thing he had always talked about him and was hurt about what had happen so when he told me he was so happy he was crying he apologized to me for all he has done and opened up to me saying he had not ended things with this other person but he just did that night and told me she went crazy and was demanding money from him I guess trying to black mail him he said I mean everything to him and he doesn't deserve me and if I left he would understand he tells me he is worried I will do this to him to get back at him things got better after this the other girl left state he started hanging out with his son and our sex life was great but things can't change over night I know this we still argue here and there about it she still try's to call him he tells me when she calls but won't tell me details just says it wasn't anything good what does that mean? I know he has not been with her but is it really completely over? I guess what I want to know is am I stupid for sticking around? And should I give him this chance to make things better? And do any of you think he truly wants to be with me from what I have told you? I don't think I will ever get over this but I am trying Thanks for reading

Anonymous said...

wow...all dat is overwhelming for me bcuz in my case i cheated.i cheat wit my bf , wit my ex bf.i hav no idea y i did dat....but i loved my bf a lot......mayb cuz der wer a lot of unresolved issues wit my ex and i need 2 b clear abt my feelings.n i also thought i cud get away wit this.now i feel lyk m da worst person ever and want my bf back.its been a almost a week since dis happened.he stopped all his contacts wit me........wat do i do now....i promise 2 remain faithful....i jus want him bak.

Anonymous said...

I understand the feel of betrayel i net my husband 20 years.ago he has been my bestdriend since a lifetime we bith went our seperate ways at the age of 19 he had a child and as well we didnr see each other for about 7 years i had missed him dearly he was no longer in his last relationship and i was goin through a rough breakup with my last relationship until fate brought us in front of one another i was walking my dog and my dog dragged me in his direction unbelievable but true feelings were out of control i still was in luv with him we got married and no one could believe it i was always afraid of marrige but with my husband i felt safe and secured i trusted him with my eyes close we had to more children with each other about 7 months ago he began acting suspect and i started questioning he kep saying he was not cheating ok i left it alone as time went bye i stoped trusting him i hacked into his voicemails facebook emails etc... Just to my suspicion 2 months ago i got a hit a name a number and an address and a voicemail i called the woman and she said she is not in a relationship with him bcuz he was not ready for one but she said they never had sex just oral with each other but that she has feelings for him so now i confront him and he says its a lie he said he knew her but nothing happen that she lying he cursed the girl out and said that to stop trying to break up our marrige mind you idc about the oral sex to be honest what hurt me the most was the i miss u voicemails and thw i cant wait to see u pl someone what should i do

Anonymous said...

You have just told my story right down to the sexring and then bringing a stripper twice to a hotel room and having sex. I am beyond devastated and it's been 5 months since I found out. In April I couldn't take the pain and I tried to kill myself only to have our 5 year old daughter find me and save me by getting my husband. This is a nightmare that won't go away. I have felt so alone. Although we are in great therapy and he is so sorry and swears won't happen again I can't get past this man I thought I knew is a monster underneath and now I know what he is capable of. Thank you for your posts I don't feel so alone.

Anonymous said...

I was with my ex partner for almost 7yrs lived together for 4 and were looking for a place to buy. We had been trying for a baby and after falling pregnant I later suffered a miscarriage early into the pregnancy. We worked in the same place and it was 2days after I'd had the miscarriage that I found out he had been seeing a married woman who also worked with us. He left me for her and she left her husband. I had to leave my job as I could no longer stay and suffer the pain and humility they had caused. (It was the topic of conversation between colleagues) I also lost my dog which we had shared for over 4yrs as part of me "walking away" in an attempt to regain some control back. Within 2weeks of me losing a baby, our shared home, my job and my dog, they were posting pictures up on facebook of them together on the beach with my dog and at a wedding which we(me and my ex) had been invited to months earler.I continued life over the next 6months thru a haze which merged into one long living hell of a day. All of a sudden he turned up out of the blue saying he had been diagnosed with bipolar and he had been sexually abused throughout his childhood for many yrs. I was devastated for him and the things he told me were a total intrusion on my mind and it effected me deepy. He said he'd made the biggest mistake etc etc and I thort he'd done what he had because of some sort of mental breakdown. I had been checking in on him and visiting him when low and behold the other woman came back on the scene saying he had been telling her he loved her and they had been trying for a baby. Yet again I was devastated but this time I've also been left with these mental images of the things he's told me yet not able to get any closure or even know if his dad has been locked up. Its been a total of 16months and I'm still scarred from the betrayel and I feel as tho my mind and soul has been raped. I have tried counselling and herbal remedies for depression but I just dnt want this pain anymore. I work, I make effort to go out with friends but deep down behind the fasade I am dead. I just can't come to terms with it. Plus I feel I'm 29 amd my life has no purpose anymore. I miss my dog everyday and I still miss him. Is this normal. (Sorry for the long thread)

Anonymous said...

I was with my ex partner for almost 7yrs lived together for 4 and were looking for a place to buy. We had been trying for a baby and after falling pregnant I later suffered a miscarriage early into the pregnancy. We worked in the same place and it was 2days after I'd had the miscarriage that I found out he had been seeing a married woman who also worked with us. He left me for her and she left her husband. I had to leave my job as I could no longer stay and suffer the pain and humility they had caused. (It was the topic of conversation between colleagues) I also lost my dog which we had shared for over 4yrs as part of me "walking away" in an attempt to regain some control back. Within 2weeks of me losing a baby, our shared home, my job and my dog, they were posting pictures up on facebook of them together on the beach with my dog and at a wedding which we(me and my ex) had been invited to months earler.I continued life over the next 6months thru a haze which merged into one long living hell of a day. All of a sudden he turned up out of the blue saying he had been diagnosed with bipolar and he had been sexually abused throughout his childhood for many yrs. I was devastated for him and the things he told me were a total intrusion on my mind and it effected me deepy. He said he'd made the biggest mistake etc etc and I thort he'd done what he had because of some sort of mental breakdown. I had been checking in on him and visiting him when low and behold the other woman came back on the scene saying he had been telling her he loved her and they had been trying for a baby. Yet again I was devastated but this time I've also been left with these mental images of the things he's told me yet not able to get any closure or even know if his dad has been locked up. Its been a total of 16months and I'm still scarred from the betrayel and I feel as tho my mind and soul has been raped. I have tried counselling and herbal remedies for depression but I just dnt want this pain anymore. I work, I make effort to go out with friends but deep down behind the fasade I am dead. I just can't come to terms with it. Plus I feel I'm 29 amd my life has no purpose anymore. I miss my dog everyday and I still miss him. Is this normal. (Sorry for the long thread)

Debbie said...

Dear anonymous,
All those feelings that you are feeling ARE a part of the feelings that we go through when our partner has cheated on us. I had a horribly long period of time that seemed like forever to get through. Right now would be a good time for you to stay connected with family and friends that care about you and who you can trust. The pain of losing your partner as well as your dog cuts deep. I am going to suggest to you that you try and find hobbies or activities to keep your mind busy so that you don't dwell on the hurt so much. Try and start doing some things just for you! Would it possible to suggest that if you aren't going to get your dog back, that you could get a new dog to help you heal? I know it would never replace your old dog, but might give you a way of finding a way of keeping occupied and having a dog to keep you busy. Sorry, I know that you can never replace a dog with another, but it might be nice to have another dog to keep you company, to keep you busy and possibly help you through all of your suffering....time is the only thing that's going to help you get through this....I hope that things get better for you!

Cardi Sinclair said...

Are you guys currently together?

Anonymous said...

My husband of six years has beeb cheating on me for the past 2 yrs. at least.with a number of wsomen at his job.I suspected it and I asked questions but he always had answers for evrything.(ALL LIES!)I had an accident at my job and got hurt.I had some complications later on asell. He decided to tell me/confess to me on one of the days I went to the doctor.He took me home and went to work while I sat home alone and cried my eyes out all day!My heart was broken.I do not want a divorce because I really do love him.I should have known he couldn't be faithful because he cheated on his first wife as well.He seems to blame me or the other wopmen for his cheating.But the truth is it is HIS choice to cheat.He is lacking or missing something in himself.I told him I want to work on saving the marriage so we go to marriage couseling/therapy now.I don't know if it helps him because I already know he lied about something.I am also going to therapy by myself because I recognize that I too have many issues/problems and I need help myself!I don't know if I'll ever be able to really trust him again only time will tell.He still works at the same job and is surrounded by wom en so the tempation is always there.He won't change jobs now because we need the money coming in to pay the bills.When I was hurt he showed the world what a LOVING and CARING husband he is but no one knows what he has done to me/to us!I am still hurting so much and I am afraid he's going to do this again to me.We are still in early stage of couseling so it might take some time for me to stop worrying.But if he does I will need the strength to kick him out and end it.Even though we donot have kids we have a house and alot of bills.He is going to be paying for those bills with or without me and he knows it too.He knows he can't afford to get his own place and pay for the bills here it takes up all of his income.I gave my whole heart to him.He knew I had been hurt before by the other men I was with but that didn't seem to stop him from doing this.I moved out of state to be with him.I left my mom,my two best friends,and as decent paying job to be with him.I can't go back now!If I knew this was going to happen I would've/could've stayed right where I was. I thought I met my Mr.right after having met 3 frogs but there is no MR RIGHT.There must be something wrong with me for still loving this man so much.I just hope and pray that he is sincere and wants to really save our marriage.I guess only time is going to tell and he,lp me heal.Any advice would help.

Anonymous said...

My husband of six yrs.has cheated on me for the past 2 yrs. with a number of women that he met at his job.I suspected it and did ask questions but he always had good answers.(ALL LIES!)I had an accident at my job and had some complications.He decided to tell me/confess to me on the day I had my cast taken off at the doctors office.Anyway I was heart broken.I was so hurt and had so many questions but he had to take me home and go to work.Leaving me to cry home all alone.I didn't want a divorce because I love him.I should have known he'd cheat because he did on his first wife as well.He has blamed me or the other women.But I know it's his choice to cheat.He is lacking or missing something in himself.I told him I want to save our marriage and we now go to marriage couseling.But I don't know if it helps him because he has alrerady lied.I am also going to therapy by myself because I recognize that I too have issues/problems.I don't know if I'll ever be able to really trust him again.He still works at the same job surrounded by women all of the time.I think it's too much of a temptation for him.Our therapist has told him he needs to disclose everything and be honest about everything.I think my husband told me stuff but only what he wanted to tell me.He shows the world what a LOVING and CARING husband he is taking care of me since i got hurt but no one knows the real hurt I have been through having my heart broken.I am still hurting and worry he is going to cheat again.I need the strength to just kick him out if he does.I don't deserve to be treayed like that.He won't be going away scott free thogh.WE don't have and kids tgether but we have a lot of bills.He's going to be paying them whether he's with me or not.He knows this as well!I gave this man my whole heart.Even my mother loved him and that was no easy feat!I left and moved out of state to be with hum.I left my mom,my 2 best friends and a decent paying job behind.I do not believe i can go back now!If I knew this was going to happen I could've stayed right where I was!!I thought I had finally found my MR RIGHT!But there is no mr. right.Just a lot of FROGS!I just hope he really knows how bad he has messed up and how deeply this has hurt me/us.Only time is going to help us and me heal.Any advice what else to do?

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, I think that time is the only thing that can heal right now, but if you are working things out, just make sure that you both put forth that effort to making it back to each other. He will have to be an "open book" to you for you to be able to gain back some of the trust. This also takes time. I will also reccommend that you take time to do some things for yourself in this process. Best of luck to you in this !

Anonymous said...

PART ONE- I met my fiance 3 1/2 years ago, and right away we just KNEW that this was it. 6 months later we got engaged it was really the fairytale relationship no joke. we were talking and he told me "hey how cool would it be to start our family now and set the wedding date for 5 years and we can have our own little ring bearer or flower girl walk down the aisle with us!". I loved that idea! So we tried for a baby and sure enough we were having a little boy and we were estatic, bouncing off of walls! But I noticed whenever he accidentally left his email open he would come over my shoulder to make SURE I closed it and the whole atmosphere would change to stormy. I was 6 months preggers and had two jobs and I was working up to 18 hours a day. one day I got up something just didn't feel right, I HAD to get inside that email.I found out this bastard had put up an AD on CraigsList saying "m4m fiance not coming home till 6 am" but here's the twist- He had received a ton of replies and he was interviewing transexual men!!! How do I feel about that? How CAN I feel about that?? He's not screwing a woman, or a man, he's basically sleeping with an "it"? My best friend's gay and even he didn't know! I sat there in front of the computer for a minute thinking "This is a joke right?" it didn't really hit me as if it would have if he slept a woman. I woke him up and I asked him about it and he started getting abusive, not towards me but the house til it was destroyed. I kicked him out I could take care of my son on my own no problem. I visited his sister who lived right next door and she begged me to stay with him because she knew since he was sleeping with men and trannys he probably wouldn't be able to get custody of our son so I cleared my head and thought maybe we can work this out. Despite all he did i took him back but I wasn't thinking about me I was thinking about my unborn child. he told a story of him thinking that his grandfather had molested him when he was younger and he's had the need for that male organ since. He was remorseful he cried and oh poor little him, everyone felt bad for him (including me) and his sister made ME out to be the bad guy because I should have been more understanding.Well we were evicted for the destruction and we went to live at a friends as roommates and one day he comes home from work and he tells me "Babe! I found 100$! someone just left it behind!" I didn't think anything of it after all he knew that if he did some stupid shit I would catch him but you know what after he had been caught I knew in my heart he wouldn't do it again. After all it wasn't his fault it was his grandfathers, I was more understanding now. This was still the man I loved 100% and I forgave him and gave him all my trust 100% again and told him don't betray it again. How many women would be as dumb as me to just fully give their men 100% of that trust back like I did?? Anyways 2 months later I was 8 months pregnant and it was his birthday.

Anonymous said...

I was with my ex bf for two years & we were about to become engaged. Until that point, we almost never argued, we were best friends & did everything together. If I went into the kitchen to do dishes, he would sit on the counter & talk to me. I NEVER had been so happy our so in love. At the two year mark, he decided the grass was greener some where else.

After a couple back & forth hook ups, he came back tears in his eyes, brought flowers to my job & all. I decided to give him another chance & at about tast time my father got terminally ill. My bf was my strength, he was amazing & I never would have made it as ok as I did if it werent for his support. After that, I really believed that man loved me. He cheated on me, for months later & we decided to make it work. Two weeks after that , we were making plans to travel, he told his family he loved me & would never leave me. A week after that he didn't come home two nights in a row. Within the next few days his attitude had gotten so bad towards me, I told him to get his stuff & go. I knew there was someone else.

I feel like a mere shadow of who I used to be. I miss the hell out of my best friend. I am hurt, have never been so humiliated in my whole life & I have to force myself to accept he will never love me & I have to spend the rest of my life without him. The pain is unbearable. My depression is extreme. I have palpitations & anxiety attacks. I dont have health insurance to even see someone.

I lost my dad & my bf within months of eachother. 3 1/2 years of my life wasted on lies & fake promises. I have to somehow tivue out how I went from almost engaged to a fallback girl who is only good enough until sonething "better" comes along.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous 2/17/12,

I too dealt with a man that I spent the younger part of my life with, he too drank, he too went to jail, and of course he too cheated. I also thought "why should I let someone enjoy all my hard work", but honestly after more work, and more work, I knew my work was done. I never thought I would make it without him, and never thought any man would love my kids; but 12 years later, I'm the happier person. I found a man that loves me so much and raised my kids as his own, yes they are out there, and I know this is what God wants for my life. We women spend so much of our energy believing the lie that we can't do any better, and asking ourselves what if he can do better. We have to own to our abilities as
Woman and know in our hearts that we are beautiful, strong and desirable too. Men play on our insecurities, but we have to realize that they have insecurities too, they just express it differently...like with cheating. If you can't get your man in line now, you probably never will. The more important thing is your child(ren) they need you, more than you need him. I pray for you and all the broken hearts out there. This too shall pass, keep your faith and have strength in yourself.

Anonymous said...

i was with my ex fiance for eight months....and in those eight months i put up with ridiculous drama. he stole and lied...but we were perfect. i got past him stealing and doing drugs. he made it all seem okay, looking back, i dont know how. but i loved this man. we moved in together and i fell for him. i loved looking into his eyes and seeing how much he loved me. i loved being in his arms and feeling a special bond. when we kissed it was like that was the only thing in the world that mattered. i made him my everything. i stood by him when he went to jail. and i find out he had been sleeping with and calling and having this girl, who smokes crack, come visit him, and he told me he had his visits taken away. i left him. as bad as it kills me to not have him....i know im better than that. i will not settle to be treated like crap....after bending over backwards for this boy...(a man would not act like that). i was totally blindsided. i was going to marry him. and i find myseld rolling over in bed expecting to feel him and curl up in his chest. and hes not there. i hate him for doing this. i dknt want him back. i just need to learn acceptance.

Anonymous said...

Dear debbie i wrote on this page on aug 3 2012 im having a really hard time forgivin and forgettin my husbands betrayel the images are so vivid in my head the yext message that i look at all the time of him amd this other woman its like a constance reminder everyday this other woman calls me to ask how am i doing and tells me she is very saddened with the favt that he lie to her i told her y should u be upset if any one shpuld be.is me but im put a front im so hurt thay i cry evetyday i cant believe he did this to me he cried and said he was sorry he told me some of the truth but not all im so devestated just to think about it all please give me some advise idk weather to send him to hell or to try and work it put from here and start all pver the right way

Debbie said...

Dear Anonymous,
I feel your pain, and I know how you are feeling...it's a horrible feeling. First of all, you are going through that long process of trying to figure out why. You probably won't get all the answers you are looking for, but honestly, if you have a really good person to talk to who can help you sort things out, would be wonderful. Ask yourself "where do you see yourself in the future?" Do you want to be with this man? and is HE willing to meet you more than halfway through the process of working things out? He must be an open book to you, in order for you to try and re-gain your trust back in him. All of this is going to depend on how strong your marriage/or partnership was before the betrayal. Can he give you the respect that you deserve? And can you learn to forgive? This all takes time, and unfortunetly, sometimes you will find that EVEN after a long period of "working things out" that you still cannot stay. What do you REALLY want in the future? IF it's working things out with him, then do it, but only do it sincerely. If not, then it's hard to work it out. Take some time to think things through...get opinions of others but finally make this decision for yourself. Those bad feelings will be with you for awhile, but working things out is NOT impossible...just follow your heart. And finally, don't make a quick decision,,,it's okay to think things through. Best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

Hi...I have been married for almost 4years...for past 3 years me & my husband were leaving abroad and believe we were a match made in heaven...he was so good to me and I can never believe he could ever cheat on me...recently we came back home and he started working in a big company where he has met this girl who became friends with him and recently I found out he was having a office romance with her...I read his chat history with her and found out, so I confronted him and he denied it saying it a is a joke and flirt but he is travelling with her in the same bus and onlookers think they are boyfriend & girlfriend.I also read that he like her so much that she will be his untill she gets married...I feel so down and cant stop crying...I knw its not just flirting coz I have seen her txts in his fone too...dont know what to do...cant share this pain with anyone at home...I am totally devasted

Anonymous said...

Hi Debbie,
I have been with my fiancé for 6 yrs now since high school. I am 21 he is 23. We plan to gt married next summer. Yesterday he just told me that he couldn't go on life without telling me and without me knowing who I am marrying and explained that he was unfaithful when he was 19 with a girl from college. He said they did not have sex but was kissing and leading to sex when he stopped it. The thing is he knew what he was doing because he drove to her house and it didn't just happen out of nowhere. He said he's felt guilty this whole time and couldn't keep it from me anymore and of course still wants to marry me and I am everything to him. But do I believe him that it was just a one time thing and will he do it again? I don't understand it at all and don't know what to do or if I can trust him.

Debbie said...

Hi Anonymous, I don't know why, but your story seems like he is being truthful with you...however, it's only what I am hearing and I don't know you or him....so, you are the only one who knows him....has he been secretive? has he been acting like something is different or that he is hiding something from you? It's going to be his behavior that tells you and can give you a clue about things. Do you have a bad gut feeling that things are not right with you and him? Has he treated you the way that he normally does? The reason I ask is because if he's cheating then most likely he will have some of the signs of cheating...sneakiness, hiding, talking on the phone alot and keeping his phone away from you....stuff like that. If he is an open book with you, then most likely he could be telling you the truth. If he goes out alot without you, then that could be another reason to suspect. Most importantly, how do YOU feel about him and your future? There are so many things for you to think about...but if you love him and trust him, then maybe it's worth another chance. Trust your gut instinct and think things over. And..with any luck, he might have learned what he did was a no-no and never do it again. I wish you all the best in your future...just remember, you are the only one who can make the final decision because it's your future and you need to be happy!

Anonymous said...

irecently discovered and caught my fiance of 5 years was cheating on me. we have 2 children, actually i recently discovered not even a week after i gave bith to our son that he had another woman in our house while i stayed at my mothers house that night so he could get rest for work{ he was working 2 jobs at time and wakes up at 3am}and he went down on this person which this girl told me becuz i called her from his phone. she told me that he has been seeing her took her out to dinner, brought her around our/his friends, and that he asked her to take this journey with him and our kids. i could not believe the nerve he had i mean our baby wasnt even a week old and this happend. i didnt find out about any of this til a few weeks later after the incident happend. so i was extremely hurt by him but somehow was willing to push through this pain to only find out that in that same week i confronted my ex, he cheated on me again but now with another person. he told me he had to work graveyard and i and our 3 year son believed him, mind you my newborn son is not even 3 weeks old. so for some reason i checked his bank account becuz i still havent heard from him to only see that he made a purchase of $148 to a hotel down the street of our home, i was in rage and drove there and called him out he lied to me and said take our kids and go back home. i nearly flipped out bcuz he was all dressed up. at the time our oldest son who is 3 seen the whole thing and my ex said it was over between us and he wants me out of his house and if i didnt leave he would call the police on me and ourchildren and then told the lady at the front desk to not accept any of my calls. i literally felt my heart drop out of my body. the hurt i felt when i seen him walk back inside the hotel haunts me still. so i did as he wished and moved my stuff out along with the kids. so angry and hurt that he lied to my oldest son and myself. btw earlier that day i told him we needed to buy a stroller for our newborn that would cost $160 that i liked and he said that that is too expensive and he wanted to buy a cheaper one, ND then he bought our 3 year old a $7 a toy at toysrus. it been 3 weeks since i accepted him calls or seen him, but he has been blowing up my phone and sendin me texts that he misses our oldest son {not our youngest} and that im hurting my ex becuz i wont let him see our kids anf that he misses them etc. but yet not once said he was sorry to me nor anything about us. i just recently founnd out that a week beofre i officaly moved out and took my name off our lease that this 2nd person who he was with slept in our bed, another reason y i moved out and took all my belongings, and that still to this very day she stays at our once called place.

Anonymous said...

I'm very sorry for all that has happend to you. I was scrolling down and reading comments and thought I could vent as well.

I'm 20 years old. I met my boyfriend when I was 17, I never knew you could love someone as much as I loved him. He was my everything. but then problems started coming up and tested him with my co worker she sent him text and he was flirting back he some how got out of it I told my mom about it so she got someone to do it again and he once again flirted with a total stranger. I'm weeks away from being 21. I was remembering all the odd behavior he would show get mad at my blonde hair being in his car, all of a sudden it's all washed and clean on the inside he's working till 2 in the morning and his store closed at 12am. so I had this gut feeling and looked threw his photos and found a lot of disturbing porn. and then there it was. photos of girls he had been talking to on a website, the website we met on. then I find stuff he has been looking up but then I found he had a secret FB so I got the password and there was his messages talking to some girl saying he hadn't seen her in a while and he missed her and his email adress and phone number and a message e sent a gilr saying she was pretty but her boyfriend wrote him back telling him he'll beat him up. AND he was trying to talk to his ex again. He is denying ever talking to any of those girls that he didn't do anything but I know in my heart he cheated on me. and He doesn't feel bad about it. he just hurts me and uses me.

I hope you can figure out what I'm also wanting to know. Try to stay strong.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, if your boyfriend is already showing signs of cheating and lying and sneaking around I would turn around and get the heck out of there already. You might love him more than anything, but the pain of going through infidelity is so heartbreaking. If he cannot be an open book to you and do whatever it takes to get your trust back then it isn't worth saving, no matter how much love there is. He is the only one who can step up at this point and show you he loves you by working things out and meeting more than halfway. You are young and there are soooo many other men out there who REALLY are worth it! Think things through before making your decision. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend cheated on me last year whilest I was 4 months pregnant I met him in the august and found out I was pregnant in October I couldn't go through with a termination I don't believe in all that but when he cheated he broke my fucking heart it was nearly a year ago now and it still plays on my mind I had my son in may I'm 19 and my boyfriend is now in prison I'm waiting for him becoz I don't want no body else I love him he swears he loves me he,ll change for our son I just really hope so I'm all alone I just want my baby back he was the most perfect guy he done everything for me when we first got together maybe it was pressure maybe it was me u never know but all I'm saying is just becoz someone cheats doesn't mean they don't love you its a sign saying there either not happy or bored I've learnt that I use to cheat on my other boyfriends all the time becoz I was bored and unhappy and I did love them but the guy I'm with now I dearly love him and I wouldn't dare cheat on him he's been away several months and he's the last person I slept with my man is such a good person I worship the ground he walks on I don't ever want to loose him he's the love of my life just hope he changes for me and our son x

Anonymous said...

my husband of 16 years just admitted to me that he had sex with a girl that he worked with. This happened ten years ago and he just told me now. He only told me because I have cervical cancer and he felt he needed to be honest with me. He said he only did it once and that it happened in the office and he felt bad afterwards. We have been thru lots of struggles in our life since then like losing our oldest son, and thru it all, he still kept this a secret. He said he did it because I always accused him of cheating, our marriage was rocky then. He also admitted that he thought she was better looking than me and he was drinking and it just happened. After nagging him for more info he told me that he knew it was going to happen that night with her, he made the first move and even tho he thought of me, he continued on to have sex with her. he will not ever talk about it with me unless I nag him to, then he gets mad and says if I keep bringing it up he will leave me. My heart is broken, I feel sick to my stimach and the thoughts of them together fill my mind all day, every day. We just had our fourth child. I want my husband and my family but I have no trust for him and I keep gettibg mad at him. I feel like I cant go on and be happy with him even tho thats what I want. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Debbie :(
My name is shelly iv also been with my boyfriend for three years starting aug.29th of this year I can garentee he has never cheated untill two months ago he has told me just two days ago that he might have gotten her pregnat and on that chance her family wanted to me him so they did yestetday I feel like that was weird and becuz it was a woman getting married and hes only met her at the store then met to have sex that he shud have nuthing to do.with the baby or her anymore becuz how it wud affect our relationship we have no kids and wanted to get mariied I cant stop thinking about y he did.it and if ill ever trust him im.soooo hurt.and all I.can do is picture them having sex and I cry and feel realy uncomfortable and dont picture me have sex with him wat do I.do? :(

Anonymous said...

Just found on my husband's phone on his history that he signed up for a descrete relationship on a sex website. He wrote a whole paragraph about himself, and when I confronted him he is telling me he was just trying to get free porn, whatever,,, He is trying to turn it around on me like it is my fault. He say's he didn't cheat, (but look as if he was looking to). I don't know what to do??

Debbie said...

dear anonymous,
sorry to hear that you found something on your husband's phone that wasn't good. More than likely, he is trying to turn things around on you because he got caught. Maybe he hasn't cheated yet, so what you need to do now is to lay low and keep your eyes a careful watch, without saying anything...because the more that you say and accuse, the more that they become secretive. Just keep your eyes and ears open and see if his behavior changes or if he starts acting like he's hiding something. What to do about it? Well, if he's got his name out there and looking, then it's def. not a good thing. You have a couple of options at this point.....you can lay low and stay quiet about it and keep your eyes peeled to see if he starts hiding things and acting different, which also means playing the waiting game, or you can let him know up front how you feel about his ad and sit down and talk with him about your marriage and see if you and he can work things out to make things better. Do NOT let him turn things around on you and make this out to be your fault, because it's not. Think about what you want and then act upon it. My best wishes are with you...I am so sorry that you are having to go through this

Anonymous said...

Hi I've been going out with a man that I totally adore for just over a year. I believed him to be kind loving and considerate. I found out 6 weeks ago that he had be still looking at dating websites. He denied it and stopped contact with me saying he felt to ashamed and guilty for looking at the sites. When we finally started tsing again he said he looked at profiles who looked at him but did no chatting. I believed him and we decided to give it another go. I have since found out that he has been on other dating sites and has chatted to other women when he has felt down or worried that I was going to leave him. He says he has always felt he was punching above his weight with me and that sooner or later I would dump him. He says he has really low self esteem and has never been confident with women and dent want to be on his own. His first girlfriend cheated on him and he said he would never do that to anyone. We met and decided to give it another go, but when at his house I said let's log onto the dating site and delete your profile. We couldn't get on the site but then I saw his emails and in the month that we had not been seeing each other he had been txting a phillipino lady. I confronted him and he said who I said don't lie im looking at your emails to her. He then broke down and said he had been chatting with her and that he had also gone to lunch with another lady when we had a bit of a rough patch back in march. He said he had met this one in Bristol for lunch but that she was from jersey. I went home the next morning. But after listening to his reasons for doing this agreed that now that all in the open we could start afresh. The night before we were to meet up again I told him I felt there was more and that so we could start afresh when we met he should tell me everything. When we met the next day he admitted that he flew to jersey to see her stayed the night in a hotel room while she went home met her the next day for brunch then came home. He said he has stopped all contact with her, and had deleted all his profiles and was going to get counselling for his issues with confidence and esteem. He also says now that he believes that I do love him and do think he's good enough for me and that I do not expect him to be providing a champagne life style. He says he couldnt believe that someone as beautiful as me could love him and was always fearful that if inwasnt giving him total approval all the time that I was going to end it. I love him soo much but dont know if I can trust him. Thoughts please

Debbie said...

Dear anonymous, you poor thing! this is enough to drive anyone crazy. I hear in your writing how much you love this guy but he just seems to still be searching. I honestly think that he needs to start showing you some honesty and he needs to stop looking for another woman if he has you. Let him know that this is not cool and it's not a good feeling when he is doing this. He needs to understand that while you and him are together that this is a no-no.I think that you need to think this through and decide whether he is actually gonna stop with all of this or if he's just going to continue and keep hiding things from you and if you are okay with this behavior or not. I would not like it one bit. He either needs to commit to you or let you go because it's a roller coaster ride and after awhile it's gonna get tiring. He seems to tell you a little, then he finally tells more....kinda makes you wonder what he's still hiding. Think long and hard about this because if he truely wants to be with you, then he's gonna do all that it takes to commit. I wish you all the best in this.....because you deserve to have someone that commits and isn't still looking for other women behind your back while you think everything's ok.

Anonymous said...

I have been with my boyfriend for almost nine years and it was a great, happy relationship. Suddenly, back in July, he breaks up with me out of nowhere and can't give me a real reason other than, he feels unhappy. I was crushed, but we separated for a little under a month, while I left on a vacation (previously planned) When I get back, he comes over a few days later and confesses he was with someone, a girl from work. He was crying harder than I'd ever seen him before and begging and saying that he knew it was a mistake and saying that I was the only one etc. So I told him, I need time and he replied, of course.

After a few days of talking, I find out he'd been talking to her again and he says that he loves me but he needs time to get his head clear. I agree, but tell him he needs to cut off ties with her if he wants me to consider talking to him again. A week or so goes by and he and I start talking again. He tells me he's still not ready to work on us and I agree, but ask about the other girl. He tells me she still texts him, but nothing much other than that. We both spend time together, but are still unsure about what were doing, saying we love and care about each other, but need time to know what to do next.

Then, last Friday, I found out, he's still been seeing her, visiting with her and basically having the beginnings of a relationship. I finally call her and tell her that he and I were together as well, and demand that he tells me what's going on. He said he didn't know what to do, because he had two girls he could get attention from and it all went to his head. He said that it was me he wanted and that he was so sorry, he didn't know what was wrong with him. He said he loved me, that she was nothing special that he wanted to marry me and he would never say these things to her. I made him call her and tell her everything he told me and to tell her to never call or text again. Then I told him it was too hard for me to believe him anymore.

The thing that sucks is I still love him so much, and even though I know he betrayed my trust, he didn't technically cheat on me ever' because every time he was with her, he and I were separated. And I feel like this is something I could forgive, with time and a lot of work on his part. But I told him for now, I just need a lot of time. But I still want to be with him so much and I know I sound like one of those people that others just shake their heads in pity for, but it was an amazing relationship and I feel like it could be again. I know I sound dumb and like I'm making excuses for him, but where and how exactly does "being separated" at the time factor into it? Can I hold him accountable fornthings he did while technically single? I'm sure this will vary from person to person though.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, I think, at this point, you need to go back and try and figure out what it was to begin with that kept you and him breaking up. What were the problems that started all of his seeking out someone else? Then, you need to ask yourself what you really want for your future and if you and him will both work at making things work, because if it's only one person working at it, it won't work. Both of you must commit to working on it for it to truly work. He must be an open book to you for you to be able to have the trust back. I know you may get many opinions about his technically being single while he was with the other woman but what matters most is what YOU feel. You are the only one who can decide what's most important to you. would not recommend getting married to him at this time though because you need to work through all of this first. I wish you all the best!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for yOur advice. I am definitely NOT thinking about getting married to him and told him that if it was something we both wanted, it would be years before our trust was rebuilt to even get to that point. And he had told me how he was feeling and what caused him to act this way. Now he says he just needs time to see what kind of person he really is and I know I need the same about myself. I also know I want him to show me, if he does still care about me, that he's willing to put in the hard work.

I think I wrote here because I wanted to get some advice from an outsider, someone who didn't just take the facts and say, "hmm, you two weren't married? Then what's the big deal, leave him and find someone new" but I do know what you said is true, if only one person is putting in the effort, then nothing will change, especially if that one person is me.

Time will help out, it's just hard letting the time occur. I'm one of those people who likes to know exactly how to feel and what I'm doing. So we keep telling each other we need time, but I feel like I keep hoping that means like a day or a week, when I know it has to beach longer.

Again, thanks for the advice and sorry for pretty much just talking in circle!

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, I am glad that I could give you some advice, and I know that hearing that time will help the healing process is hard because we never know what the future will bring. I think that one step at a time will help you with that process. I really try to listen when people ask for advice, and I know that everyone has different situations. I hope things work out for you and him.

Tara Cost said...

My husband and I were childhood playmates. He and I had a special bond together, even as children. The first man I slept with when I was 18. We parted ways for several years, probably 14 years, and one day he shows up on my doorstep. We were inseparable, and we married a year later. We were happily married for five years. Then our house burned to the ground and we lost everything. In step the other woman. She was our preachers wife. She started texting and calling him all the time, but rarely me. I had a friend tell me a couple of months into it that he had confessed to them when he was drunk that he was having an affair. It was devastating. I couldnt trust him. He swore it wasn't true, blah blah blah, for over the next two years. We would go back and forth about it, and I became a really good snoop but couldn't pinpoint the lies. So we would have even a couple of times that I felt I could trust him again. She befriended me, and we became really close. I got pregnant through in vitro, and she even threw my baby shower. Three weeks after the baby was born, I found pornographic, disgusting pictures on his phone, all from her. She and he both tried to say it was only sexting, that it only happened a couple of times, blah blah blah. Well, I moved out with the baby and then went back to our house, opened the door with my key, and there she was, where she had hidden her car and spent the night with him. Again, the it's not what it looks like crap. She divorced her husband, and my husband filed for divorce. I didnt want a divorce, and wanted to figure it all out and make it work. He was still telling me daily that he loved me, and that he had all the plans of doing right and working it out with me. That we would remarry. Our divorce was final July 29. He married that whore two weeks later. Now he is living with her, and telling me it's a huge mistake, that he doesn't love her, he loves me, and he wants to work things out. So last. Saturday, after he has been married to her for two weeks, he comes to my apartment, spends the day with me, and we slept together. The next day he was remorseful he cheated on HER. WHAT?! I told him I was letting him go. I cannot do this with him. He said its not over between us for him, and give him "time to clean up this mess" and come back to me. How can he clean up the mess while he is still living with her?! And further, wouldn't cleaning it up entail leaving immediately? He knows very well I still love him. I am feeling like he is playing on my emotions so I won't move on. I don't know what to do. But why tell me all of this about how you want to fix it and then go crawl in the bed with her?! I have to have contact with him because of our infant daughter, but how do I move on when I see him every day?

Debbie said...

Hi there....I am saddened by what you are going through. Honestly, if he really wants to make ammends, then he must leave the other woman and start working on things with you and while it's going to take time for you to re-gain trust, you may be able to work things out....however, what I suggest that you do is to do some soul-searching. Ask yourself what do you really want in life? What do you want for you and your child in your future? Do you think that he is sincere in working things out? Finally, do you think that you can get past his infidelity? Take one step at a time....do things for YOU and for your baby...It IS possible to co-parent but you must get through the infidelity issues so you can learn to trust him again. I hope everything works out for you.

Tara Cost said...

If he would do the right thing, recommit to our lives together and make amends completely, yes I would take him back. I can forgive him of it, and even move so much forward as to remaining with him for life. I love this man. A part of me has loved him since we were children. We do have this bond that is almost like no matter what, it is unbreakable. I can't explain it, and no, I am not just romanticizing it. Anyway, he needs to move forward with his "plan" to get out of it if he is seriously telling me the truth. I told him he has until the baby's first birthday in december to fix it. He says he will, and by then he will have zero contact with her. That is my demand in this. Fix it, and zero contact other than a lawyer to get out of this marriage. So there ya go. I just don't know what to do when I don't feel some days that he is progressing forward that he is caudling her and still hasn't told her anything. I want to know what the plan is and how he plans to execute it. But I am told nothing. So I don't get it and I am about to tell him he has already lost his chance. I cannot live in limbo and just hope he does the right thing. And I will not be the other woman. I am the only woman. So should I tell his new wife what he did and speed things up?

Debbie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Debbie said...

dear Tara, I know that the waiting is hard, but if he really means it, then he will come through with his plan. Actions speak louder than words, so, in my opinion, I would NOT tell his wife because then they would get into a fight, he would come crawling back to you and possibly blaming you for their breakup ....especially later on down the line if you and he should get into a fight over it. He needs to prove to you that he means what he says by taking care of it and SHOWING you what he said is true. I am glad to hear that you are not going to allow yourself to become his other woman because then he may only drag his feet. You need to decide how long you are willing to wait on him, and if he isn't ready by that time, then you might think about moving on....hard situation but life is so short and you never know what tomorrow may bring. I hope that things work out for you.

Tara Cost said...

Well I do see him making efforts for me. He is by far doing a little more right, and he is calling me every morning while in his way to work and every evening when he gets off. It's an hour drive back to that whores house from his job, so we are getting to have some good conversation during that time. Making us have that friendship again that we had in the beginning where we could talk to each other for hours. It's nice. Now let's see how willing he is to do the other things he has to do to move forward with me. I have been praying he does.

Anonymous said...

You will never love somebody that treats you well until you love yourself. If this man is continuing to be unfaithful you are putting yourself in serious danger of not only heartbreak but STD's. You should really leave. My husband cheated, I stayed, we are working it out but he stopped and has done everything he can to change. Your man is not even attempting to disguise his behavior because he thinks you are too weak and stupid to do anything about it. You are not weak or stupid and now you have to teach your child how to respect his/herself. You will not be able to teach your child anything if they do not believe in you and they won't until you believe in yourself.

Anonymous said...

Confront that sob... that's how I found out

Anonymous said...

Thank you...these are true words of wisdom...My stomach churns as I'm laying next to my cheating spouse, who continues to lie about the 2 babies he had with his mistress..and she has totally lied for him as well..he won't leave or divorce me..we married @ 21, have been married for 16 yrs and have 2 wonderful kids who adore their dad...there is so much to this story...he's an emotional, crying, I love and need my family type of guy who had a rough childhood, and his father had 2 families as well...the 3 times we went to counseling did nothing...pray for me

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, you asked for prayer and I will pray for you that whatever you go through that you will find peace and happiness.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading all these posts and I am devastated. My high school sweetheart cheated on me with my ex-best friend, a stranger to me, and who knows who else. Both girls he got pregnant, convinced both to get abortions. The girl I never knew told me about all of this. He also confirmed it. Then I discovered I was pregnant, I didn't have a lot of choice about that...I miscarried. I do not think I will ever trust anyone ever again. Many of our friends knew about these infidelities including his immediate family, no one ever bothered to tell me. My father cheated on my mother, I do not have a single childhood friend whose parents did not break up because of affairs. I am contemplating a hysterectomy and never ever getting involved with anyone again. Men and women both have affairs, but why? it does not make sense to me...just leave why murder someone's soul.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this horrible pain of infidelity. I know that there ARE decent guys/girls out there who do NOT cheat on their partners, but you have to be somewhat picky about who you get with. It hurts and I don't know why people do it....please don't lose all faith.

Saraswatti said...

I don't know what to do - I have been married for 23 years and everyday put up with verbal abuse. In the past few weeks my husband has slapt nearly off the king size bed up against the edge, he has been late several times and now he is working Saturdays. He was to be home Saturday by 5:30 - He called me to tell me he didn't know he was going to have to finish a car, and he would be late. In the year he has been working here they have never closed past 5 on a Saturday. I asked him why he called and he said I don't want you to be mad at me and you always are if I don't call, I will be home shortly. At 6:45 he came in and he said he had to finish the car - it came in last minute. I knew he was lying and for a day and a half he has kept the lie . Finally tonight at bed I told him I wanted the truth - He told me it was a female co-workers car and he knew I would be upset and he was just trying to be a nice guy, no good deed goes unpunished. He didn't tell me because he knew how I would be and how I would react. Please someone help me - He is being a martyr and he is trying to justify his lies. She previously had been having an affair with another tech whose wife who was found to have brain cancer and is dying- the tech broke off the affair ,but she left her husband thinking the techs wifes was dying and they would be together But as I said he is staying with his wife- They had sexting and texts going back and forth but after surgery that techs wife didn't remember anything. Why would my husband lie to me like this? If it were innocent and he was just fixing her car then why wouldn't he just say that or ask if I minded and how long he would be? Why would he cover it up for a day and a half and have me so upset and then try to blame me for how I would have reacted - He knows how I feel about her and the pain i feel she caused the other techs wife . I am so upset and I have tolerated his abuse for so long I don't even know who I am but I know I can't stay in this marriage.He wasn't going to tell me and he works with her everyday and on Saturdays it is just the two of them . Any comments would be welcome

Debbie said...

dear saraswatti, I am sorry that you are going through this. My suggestion would be for you to keep an eye on his behaviour. It COULD be that he just didn't want to upset you and that's why he kept it secret about what he was doing and why. Look to see if there are any other signs of cheating. The question is...what do you want for your future?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Debbie said...

Dear anonymous, I got your email and posted it but took it off because I thought that it might be a bit too personal to put here in public. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. I will keep praying for you that things get better for you. For now, I think you just need to see what it is that can be done to get through all of this. Hugs to you and hope things get better

Anonymous said...

I'm devastated and really need some answers...cheated on at least twice, probably more in eight months. Admitted one, swore he would never do that again to me, cheated with his roomate (she wanted a girl, he wanted to help and watch per the texts I found). I'm totally disgusted, and this was with a roomate I thought it best he did not have, simply because there were signs of cheating with his previous female roomate that he would never admit to.
Seems he needs women surrounding him all the time for 'potential' who knows what, can anyone relate??

kristinaboffing said...

I been married for 5 yrs. My husband is an only child and has never had kids. He was 45 when I began IVF. As soon as I began to show 6mo He started sleeping with some really scanky girl.
Of couse He came clean just a few months ago,
So now I dealing with the fact that he cheated on me 3yrs ago while i was pregant with our son.
I have never had such heartache in my life. At first I whipped his ass. Then I cried and was gonna leave but he cried an begged me to stay. We were both emotional and tired.
So Here i still am married to the same guy who broke my heart.
Not sure how My heart is still beating cause I was sure I was going to die of a broken heart but, I have good days and a few ruff days but I'm here for life. Of couse if he ever done it again , I'm out. But I have secrets too and there is no since in hurting him the way he hurt me.
Hanging in there in Indy

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years&we have a one year old son. He just got back from training for the army for 5 months & i just found out he slept with someone by finding letter from a girl. The letter talked about how sorry she felt & was trying to make him feel better as well, which tells me he immediately felt guilty. But why hasn't he told me about it yet?! He's had a history of flirting with other girls over text during our marriage & i aways knew ot would come to this. I always thought that if he did cheat , we would get a divorce, but now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if i can ever trust him again & id hate spending the rest of oir marriage and my life wondering and worrying. I don't know what to do and what is best for me and my son!

Anonymous said...

So me and my husband been married for over a yr and we have a baby of two months and just two days aga i found a msg of another girl he denued it all i called the girl she denied Knowing him come to find out she did it bc she knew he was married and just yesterday my husband confessed of another girl he sweard on our son and my mother in law that he had nothing to do with them that he did bc he was dumb.. Im so confused and sad im pretending like everything is but i feel so hurt i feel like dying but i hold on bc of my little boy. He swears hes gunah change and that he isnt going to do it again but idk if to trust him or believe him, now everytime his fone rings i ask who is it?/ i start thinking is it another female or what......¿

Anonymous said...

My husband of 16 years finally confessed to multiple affairs with friends, colleagues and prostitutes. We went to an intense week-long therapy where he confessed all of this and said he wanted to make amends. Well he din't confess all of it only a small part - probably as much as he thought I could take. Well needless to say after almost another year in therapy he planned a 3 day "business trip" to San Francisco and did it again. He emailed his best friend and said he was in SF living the dream. He finally hooked up with an Asian woman - something he had always fantasized about. It was not impulsive - he planned it - just like all the others.
All I can say is, once a liar and a cheater - always a liar and a cheater. He has had this behavior for almost 40 years. Run as far as you can. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE and YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

crystal said...

Hey everyone, im here because i need help just like everyone else here. I have been with this man for almost 9 years. He cheated on me for the entire first year of our relationship with the mother of his daughter. I tried to forgive him but instead a couple years later i cheated back. I wanted him to feel the pain i did. After we work through all that our relationship was very strong. Now we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter together. Well this past Saturday night i found out he was cheating on me again with a druggie whore. I have suspected something was goin on for weeks before this, he works 3rd shift and when he was getting off work at 6:30 in the morning he didn't come home for hours. The night i found out, he told me the reason i have been thinking he was cheating is because he has a drug problem. Well that sickened my stomach because he knows how i feel about drugs, i told him i was going to leave him but he begged me not to. So he fell asleep in the recliner i was laying in bed thinking. I knew there was more that he wasn't telling me so i got his phone out of his pocket and that was when i saw the text. My heart sank. I woke him up and asked him to come outside with me cuz we needed to talk. We are living with his grandmother right because she just found out she has bone cancer so im taking care of her. We had a huge fight and wouldn't tell me the truth to start with. So i called the girl from my phone and asked her but she lied for him to. Well Sunday he was supposed to get pack the rest of our stuff but he never came home and wouldn't answer the phone so it was obvious where he was. Monday he finally answered the phone around 11 am and asked me to pick him up. He told me he slept at our old house but then his story changed and he said he walked around town all night. He finally admitted he cheated but he said it was only once but i know he is lying. Last night i told him to call her and tell her he don't love her and he wants to be with me, in front of me on speaker phone and he did. She texted my phone after cussing me and said i was using our daughter as a tool against him and she said that he told her he only wants me to stick around is because of his daughter. I am torn right now and i don't think i can leave him yet because i still love him, but im so afraid he is just going to do it again the first chance he gets. I don't think i will ever trust him again, and something else that makes it hurt so much more is while he was out doing what he was doing i was here taking care of his very sick grandmother and the kids. If he truly loved me it would have never happened. Should i stay and try to make this work or is this gapping hole in my chest just going to continue to grow. He acts like he's sorry but im still not sure. He is taking me out and buying me a new car tomorrow but that isn't going to win me back. Another thing is i really don't want him with that girl or anyone else but me but i don't know if i will ever be happy again. Any advice anyone?

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone, I found out my gf of 4 years was cheating on me. We were friends 8 years prior before dating. I was going to ask her to marry me, then out of the blue she ended things. She couldn't tell me why then a month after we broke up I saw her with her coworker which she denied she had feelings for. How can someone I knew for over a decade can be so heartless? I didn't have closure so I was going crazy to why she had broken up with me. When I found out that she cheated on me it gave me the closure I needed. I am so hurt and could never forgive her and for me hatred conquered all of my emotions. I cannot forgive or speak to someone that cannot have the respect to be honest. Now I feel like I cannot trust anyone which really sucks.

Anonymous said...

It has been 5 weeks since my husband left me after I discovered he had been having an affair with somebody I know. For 8 weeks before that he had been telling me that he was not happy in the marriage and that it was things about me that he has never liked that were now niggling at him and that he no longer felt about me how a husband should feel about a wife. For 8 weeks I worked hard at the things he told me I needed to change. For 5 weeks we went to counselling. It was not until I found out about the affair that he left. The morning I confronted him he told me he had strong feelings for her and she had the same feelings about him and that they were going to see where their relationship took them down the track. I met with her that night. She told me she was sorry for how this was making me feel but not sorry for how she felt about him. She asked me if I still loved him, would I take him back and down the tracked when we were separated, how would I feel if they were together? I sat in stunned silence to hear somebody, who I have enjoyed time with socially, talk about my husband of 14 years in this way.

We have 2 children together - 9&12. They don't understand why their dad has moved out other than me telling them that it is a grown ups thing and some day they might understand. I've told me I love dad but that he doesn't want to live with me anymore and nothing they have done has caused this - it's between mum & dad.

I have heard many stories about how and when they were able to "hook up". Many lies and much betrayal went into this affair. Stories of work and training. All the time, the mobile phone stuck firmly in his hand, never to be left just lying about.

The birthday card that I discovered on Thursday 25th October was the final straw in my marriage. Her declaring her feelings for him - "I adore you", thanking him for the past few years of allowing her into his life and hope that she could "spoil you rotten every year". Love hearts, kisses....... Nobody but his wife should ever have the right to write those words to a married man. Gut wrenching.

Where do I start picking myself up and moving on when every time I close my eyes I see images of them together? How do I stop crying over a man who I thought had a high level of morals and values? How do I start life on my own with my 2 boys after 14 years of marriage - 24 years in total together? How do I wake up in the mornings and live each day feeling rejected and alone?

Anonymous said...

This is a great article

Here's a pretty good presentation which I found a second ago for all you visual folks out there:

www.WhyHePullsAway.info

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend of six years who i have a daughter with told me that he had gotten a woman pregnant just to give her a baby. That was their plan. She got out of very unsuccessfull marriage where she tried to have children for eight years. She met my boyfriend and kept bugging him to give her a baby.She told him she would disappear in other state raising her child. He gave in feeling sorry for her.
surely as soon as she had a baby she asked him to come to the hospital where he saw a baby and signed parenthood paperwork. She gave him a list of things that she needs, she asked him to fly out to another state and bring her back from Christmas holiday. She wont stop until she is here in this hous. I am devastated.
I feel like i am living the stupidest show on TV.

HOMA House said...

Dear Anonymous,

I'm really sorry that you went thru this. Your message here really resonated with me. I'm going thru a very similar situation. I am very trusting of my best-friend. We've been engaged for 2 years, we've known each other for almost 20 years and really have an amazing relationship. I found out that he had been cheating with a woman he texted with all the time too. My question to you is: how did it all work out? Did you stay together?

Anonymous said...

So sorry I know how cheating and men can steal innocence. I feel the same. Many hopes to become strong again and rather than put trust in men learn to trust my feelings. Maybe men don't deserve it til they earn it

Anonymous said...

I have been married for 3 months. I found out 2 1/2 days ago my husband had sex with a coworker 2 maybe 3 times (neither can quite remember) over the past month. After the processing, pain, anger, disgust etc I have realized I would do anything and everything possible to save my marriage. He says he is unsure if he wants to make this work, but that he is willing to try. He says the underlying problems that caused him to cheat are more important long term than the act itself. I do agree with him on that one point. I am just very lost right now; we already have an appointment with an LMFT in a week and he has agreed to some things I need from him right now e.g coming home straight after work, no bar nights w/o me there etc. I cry unexpectedly, have not had an appetite since i found out (am keeping up with water and juice so i dont dehydrate - it monday now, havent eaten since friday night). He also says he is not physically attracted to me anymore. Given what he's told me, should i even attempt a rebuild? or am i fighting a losing battle, clinging desperately to something that no longer exists?

Debbie said...

dear anonymous,
I am so sorry to hear that you have only been married a few months and are already having to deal with this sort of thing. I will always believe that it's better to work things out, HOWEVER, it has to be both of you working on it....if not and it's only you working on it then it will not work. He has to want this too...I wish you all the best!

Anonymous said...

im 22 years old and my parents were 17 when they had me. they weren't even in out of high school yet. when i was 2 they got married. 8 years later they split because my father cheated on my mother. but because of that my mother and father both got remarried and had two beautiful children with their new spouses. and then i met someone at 17 and chose to run away and move in with them. i was there two months and got pregnant and then found out that i was the other woman..i ended up losing the baby due to the fact that the bastard didnt want children and punched me in the stomach when he found out. about 3 years ago i met my husband and i fell in love and we've been married for almost a year. he cheated on me with online which is nothing compared to the other shit but it hurt more than anything because i honestly trusted him. i let him in which is more than i can say for the other guy. i chose to stay with my husband because i believe in my vows and i want to help him with his issues. if you take a man that cheats and sit down with him long enough you will find out that even the most cold hearted ones are hurt because of something and haven't gotten over it yet. and maybe you are the one that got cheated on for a reason. that was god telling you to help this person. it was that persons cry for help. im not sayin let them walk all over you. just because i chose to stay doesn't mean you should. im just sayin that most of the time these people have deep issues that haven't been worked out yet and that's why they do it and its different for everyone and it probably goes way back and they've probably been holding on to it for years so thats why they can't tell you when you ask them why they hurt you. because at that point they dont even know anymore because they've gotten so good at hidding it.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I am so tired of people posting about casting spells for goodness sake grow up

Magaritas said...

Dear Anonymous, I am also tired of seeing the post comments about spell casters and I have done my very best at deleting them all and am still working on it....so, I am not really sure where it's all coming from and if you have any answers for me I would love to hear them...honestly, I do not know why they are putting so many comments out on this blog.

Cortni Stevens said...

Hi-my fiance of 7yrs cheated on me with his h.s sweetheart..even left me for her for 3mo RIGHT AFTER I HAD OUR THIRD CHILD! i was beyond shocked..he told me he was so in love and wanted to start a fanily with her and loved her so much...long story short after he came home seeing the "grass is NOT greener on the other side"she calls and shes pregnant.This happened back in July 13.Our son was born the previous May and her baby is due April 2014..I just wanted some insight from someone...ANYONE who knows or has been through this that he will not end up back with her..i know no one can gaurentee me that...but he has started acting wierd again as of 2wks ago....i have no absoloute proof bt i swear my gut intuintion has literally never been wrong so i fear bc i do have 3 kids and at the moment im a SAHM so very little income and if i leave iv no idea where to go with three kids...family loves me bt is not an option for me and kids to move in..thats a lot for anyone...Im not sure how i will get a notification is someone writes me back so plz write me at cortnistevens@gmail.com if anyone can give me a lil insight.Thank u