Going through divorce is hard enough, leaving you feeling lonely and blue, wondering why life has dealt you this horrible hand, also leaving you wondering what is going to come next. I wanted my ex to beg my forgiveness, come running after me with roses in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other, but what a laugh! that didn't happen. I wanted him to really mean sorry, not just say the words. Never happened. Once I got tired of all the running around, trying to make things right within our marriage and it not working, I finally grew tired of it and packed my things and left. That's right, lock, stock and barrel, packed up my personal things and was gone in a flash. Never again did I allow myself to be alone with him long enough for him to make any moves towards me, but he sure tried. I know that if I had stayed long enough during any of my visits to pick up my mail or get something that I forgot to get, that he would have sweet talked me into something that I didn't want to do. What about sex? Sure, it was wonderful with him, I can't deny that, but I never allowed him to have it once we split. I know that many do though, because it's the only sure thing you know, and of course, you aren't fighting when you have sex. Have you had sex with the ex? Did you regret it?
I am so proud of myself, which is something that I couldn't always say. I have been putting one foot in front of the other, marching my way back to my own self once again. I am not the same girl that married him, but I am a better me, now that we are divorced and apart, but it just didn't happen overnight. The road to recovery can be a long one, that's for sure, but it can also be a good one. I carried that cheating man in my heart for way too long. I know it now, but at the time, I just couldn't get over him. Afterall, I married him with the intent for it to be forever, but it didn't happen that way. I took a very long time to wonder about the why's and the if's of the whole situation but have discovered that those questions never got answered but I am here anyways! And I am here even better than I was with him. Yes, I still have things to work on, and I know that I will have times of regress, but that's just human. I know that putting one foot in front of the other is what I need to do now and I will continue on my journey for as long as it takes me. Happiness CAN be found on the other side....it just takes time.
Well, it's tax time once again and I am filing my taxes on my own. I bet some of you out there are still filing together if you've just recently broken up or have agreed to file together. Filing your taxes can be a very complex job if you don't know what your'e doing. I have always filed my own, but then again, that's something that I know how to do. My suggestion is that if it's one that you are going to do that is straight and simple, then doing it alone should be easy, however if you don't know the answers, then it's best to find someone to help you. Doing taxes online can also make it a little simpler because it figures some things out for you. If you go to the US.gov site, you will also find that there are many online places offering to do the taxes for free depending on how much money you make. Well, I hope things go well for you this tax season...I am sure hoping to get a little bit back this year. Wouldn't that be great?
Wow, this is really great....I am having a very nice day. I don't have any worries on my mind and I hope that the rest of my day goes as well. I have decided that I am not going to dwell on when he is going to call me next or even why. However, by chance that he may call me today, I am not going to answer his call. Why? Just because I don't want to. I don't want my day going sour on me. So, what have I done today? I was off of work today so I got all my laundry done. I cleaned out my freezer, a few of my food cabinets and have washed my hair and just took the day with ease. Yes, I did go and pay a bill and mail out my granddaughter a movie that I had for her, but nothing heavy duty today. I know that tomorrow will bring another day and it may not be as nice as today, but one can hope. I finally feel like I am putting one foot in front of the other now. It's about time!
I am wondering what's going to happen next. I have been apart from my ex for quite some time now. I gave him a new life because he obviously didn't want to have a life with me and our family. I walked away, leaving him to have his freedom with those other two women that I found out about. I gave him what he wanted. I walked away with nearly nothing. For him, it seemed like he was happy with it all. He even got to stay in the house that we had bought together. That wasn't good enough though, because he started giving me trouble by contacting a lawyer and wanting me to pay on HIS credit cards when I had already helped him pay some of those off. It wasn't enough. He wanted more from me. I wasn't about to pay off credit cards that he uses for his business and customers, but he kept on. I was so fed up with him and what he wanted, that I signed my half of the house over to him....lock, stock and barrel. I got nothing back from him. No money for my half of the house. I got nothing but a piece of paper stating that I was no longer liable for the payments or the debt. That was a relief, in itself and I no longer had to help him on his credit cards. All I want in this life is peace. He has left me alone for awhile now, until those 2 phone calls. I am just sitting here in peace, and wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. What will he want from me next? And will I ever get peace from him and his needs?
Sneaky, indeed.....when he called me again to see how I was doing, I was starting to get annoyed at why he was calling me all of a sudden, and not even asking about how our daughter was or not saying one thing about her. I just listened to what he had to say because he never calls. Now all of a sudden, he is unable to keep paying the house payment, and wants my grown son to move in and help him. However, this really does make me mad now because when my son was moving out and REALLY needed a place to stay, the ex would not hear of it, didn't want any part of it, and was not willing to help him. He has done an about face here and does he think that I am so blind that I can't see it? Did he think that by him offering my son a place that I would come around more? Possibly because my son and his wife just had a baby, my newest grandson, and of course I am going to visit more...... but, I honestly think it was a double-fold reason here because now he needs help in paying the house note and electric bill. Did he think that I would feel sorry for him? Of course. I wanted so much to offer my help, but I just cannot. I cannot regress at this point. I must stand up for myself and continue being strong. I want so much to have my house back again, but I will not give up now and go back. Sorry Ex snake--it's too late!
My how times have changed ! My mother raised me to get married, be a stay at home mom, and blah, blah, blah. Yes, today's times have really changed. I raised my daughters to be strong enough women that they would be able to support themselves if they needed to and to be open minded and talk things out when they were were having hard times. My mother taught me when I was young " just wait til your dad gets home!" yes, he was the disciplinarian. But in today's world, especially when the family is split up, the mother does most of the discipline, or if together, they don't wait until the other spouse gets home to do it. Dad always did the outside work such as cutting grass and taking out the trash, while mom stayed home and took care of kids and did the sewing and the cooking.....but today, even full time fathers have to do the inside work. Has everything changed because of women being more equal, or perhaps women having to work outside the home to be able to afford just the normal household bills? How did things change in such a quick period of time that it only seems like yesterday? I did, indeed, raise my children totally different than my mother raised me and my siblings. And honestly, my mother told me something way back when, and it was that even in my grandmother's time, there was cheating but they just didn't talk about it or deal with it in the way that we do in today's times.
I paused for a moment because right in the middle of working, I got an unexpected call. Oh my gosh, it was from him.....my ex, who I have not heard from in MONTHS! I saw that he had called one other time that I didn't hear my phone ringing. What could he possibly want? Why did he call? He never calls anyone. He had always told me that he doesn't like calling anyone but if they want to call him, then he will talk. That's a suprize, I guess he needed me to help him do something but what could it be? Well, much to my suprize, he didn't want anything. Now, although I was amazed by this, I just couldn't help but wonder what he was up to. He asked me how I was doing....wanted to know if I was okay and what have I been doing. He said that he hadn't heard from me in awhile and he was curious. Ok, by this time, I was floored. That man hardly NEVER called me and it's been a very long time since I have seen or heard from him. We ended the conversation nicely but it still left me leary of what he was up to. Could he be having second thoughts about what he did to our family? Perhaps, but honestly, it's too late now. I thought that his call would take me back a notch or two, but I am happy to say, it didn't. I am still on my way to recovery from this whole mess. Thank goodness.
At what point in our marriage/relationship do we get tired of taking time out for sex? In the beginning, there seems to be so much passion and time put into our loving and then once real life settles in, things begin to change. Working, household chores, paying bills and having children are some of the things that make the change in our love lives. I have to admit, there were times that we went through that I felt that we still took the time to have that passion, but other times, it felt like he was just going through the motions. We were married for a very long time but it seems that even though the sex was there at the end, and quite frequently I might add, that he still found it neccesary to have other women. What happened to that sex that everyone reads about in books, watches in the movies and partially sees on the tv? Is that just something that only newlyweds experience and then gets settled down into something humdrum once real life sets in? Maybe I had just hoped that it was something that was lasting.
I don't know if my ex is happy with life now, and I guess it really doesn't matter because I am no longer a part of his life. He broke us up when he cheated on me and our family the second time around. I have taken up way too long to get over him and now that I am starting to be a stronger woman, I wonder, after all of this, is he happy with his new life? I see that he no longer has someone to take care of all the bookkeeping of his self employed business. I can see that he no longer has anyone to wash all his stinky clothes, or wash the bedsheets. He now has to cook for himself, watch tv alone and is able to come and go as he pleases. This makes me happy now, that he finally got what he wanted in life. He got his peace and quiet. What did I get from all of this? Well, once I finally opened my eyes to all of it, which was just recently, I did get something. I got a life without worry from having a man that might get something to pass onto me. I now have less clothing to wash, less worry about someone else's business and less worry about when he was going to come home, how late and who he was out gallyvanting with. I did get alot, and I am glad that I finally figured it out, I am a winner in all of this, even though I had to go through a very hard time of grieving over him. I hope that he is happy in his new life....this is what he wanted, or so he thought!
Living alone comes easily to some, and oh, so hard for others. I had to learn how to live alone, being the head of household after my divorce. I had to learn how to take care of all the household chores alone. Yes, children are great at helping but what about having to take charge when unexpected things happen, such as losing the electricity? Are you ready for such emergencies? Do you have a flashlight ready on these occasions? Do you have a phone to plug in that doesn't need electric for the moments when you need a phone, or do you have a fully charged up cell phone at all times for those just-in-case moments? Do you have a couple of canned food items for just those times? I never thought two seconds about any of it until one day, my electricity just totally went out due to someone knocking over a pole that the transformer was on. Learning to take care of all those unexpected things that can happen can be easy, once you know what to prepare for. Then again, there are some things we can never prepare for.
Sometimes I feel as though I have wasted way too much time reflecting on what happened in my marriage, and other times, I am glad that I took this time to grieve. Now, I just recently lost my mother and I really went through real grieving, unlike I speak about for my ex, but how are the two processes different? Well, they are, but they both hurt so terribly. Losing the loss of my mother was total and utter pain for me because this was the woman who I was born to, the one who raised me and the one who stood by me, thick and then, even when I was wrong. My ex, on the other hand, was my soul mate, or so I thought, didn't stick by me through thick and thin, decided to cheat behind my back and totally destroyed our marriage. Why did I hang on to the pain for so long? Maybe because he was still there. He was still within reach but it was too late. I grieved for the pain of losing him, someone who I could no longer have, someone I could no longer be with. Grief is grief, and pain is there. I just think that with death, you can never get that person back, but divorce, he's gone, but still under your nose, especially if you have children. What is worse?? Losing someone to death or losing them to divorce?
I can honestly say that getting past infidelity is one of the hardest things to accomplish in one's life. I think that loving someone so completely and honestly and then having something like this happen is so difficult to move past and I know, because it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with it. In the beginning, I just didn't want to accept it, and I turned a blind eye but I knew. I just didn't WANT to know. Then, I did something about it. I tried so hard to control the issue by silencing his cell phone to her calls, I tried taking away his beeper, I followed him, and yes, I even drove by her house to see if he was there. Nothing worked. I did this for way too long and I did nothing but waste my time, and energy. I had to learn the hard way that he was the only one that could do anything about it, and he chose not to, despite my crying and begging, and wasting even more time. Some want to know and often ask the question of "how long does it take to get over the pain from infidelity?", but I am here to tell you, that it is a different time for each and every one. For me, it took much too long....but I can honestly say, that I am finally getting over that most difficult hump of grieving for him. It took me way too long to do this, but I think that I just wanted to hold on to the memories because I was so in love with him and I didn't know what else to do. I am so very glad that I am on the other side of it now and can finally move on to better things in life. If you are going through infidelity, my heart goes out to you, because it's a horrible thing in life, but please know, that you CAN move on without him/her.
Here I am, standing strongly on the resolution of getting over my ex and moving onto a brand new year for myself. What can I do to make this a better year? Well, I have thought about that and I think that I have to take it one day at a time. It's probably much like the person that wants to quit drinking or smoking and start out with one foot in front of the other, taking each day as it presents itself. I do know, however, that I have cried about him way too longer than I should have, I have gone back over and over the past way too much and I know that I have to stop thinking about what could have or should have been because it doesn't matter any more. The past is gone and nothing can bring it back. I only have today, and the future ahead of me and that's how I am going to get my goal accomplished. Wishing and hoping of what could have been is no longer an option for me. I have to find out what it is that I want in the future and go about accomplishing that next. What is ahead for me in 2009? Who knows, but it's gotta be better than last year, that's for sure.
Today is the beginning of a brand new year and I hope and pray that it's a brand new year for me as well. I am aiming to put my ex and all his drama behind me. That's a very tall order, I know but I also have confidence in myself that I can now finally achieve it. I have really been put through the ringer just as so many of us have with infidelity and I have cried, screamed, wondered what if and the whole nine yards but it has not gotten me any answers. Everyone wants answers as to why this has happened and after all this time, I have to say, I know now, that I will never get all the answers and it's going to be okay. My goal for the new year is to start making time for myself. There are alot of things that I have done for others, for my ex, and now it's time to start thinking about what I can do for me. I need to stand up for myself because if I don't, who will? This new year is bright and a perfect time for me to start it out right. What are your new years resolutions?