Now I have issues to face, not only about sleeping alone and cooking for one less person, but I have to now deal with paying bills alone. I know that I am a good bookkeeper and have always paid all the bills, but now it's with less money. I don't think that child support is even nearly half of what I was getting towards the bills. I am no longer living in my once-adored home, because I gave it up to him. He was not leaving, and I stayed as long as I could. I was pretty much forced out, but that's okay. I didn't know how I was going to pay that mortgage along with the taxes and insurance alone anyways. It takes time to adjust to a new place, especially when you have children. They don't have their old room anymore and things just don't seem the same. Loneliness sets in, but you can make things better for you and for the children by spending more time with them. Set aside special events or slots of time to spend with them. Talk to them about things to help smooth things out. Let them know that it's a new beginning.
No more cuddling up beside him, but I guess I haven't done that in a long while anyways. No more having to cook his "special" dinners, no longer having to worry about his clothes being washed and ready to wear the next day. .... Hey !!! That even means that I no longer have to worry about where he is when he hasn't come home on time. I don't have to worry about how many showers he has come home and taken, and I don't have to worry about smelling for perfume on his clothing. I think that I am going to be free.... and I don't know how it's going to feel for me to NOT check his cell phone for all those dreaded calls from "the other woman", or maybe WOMEN! Now that my mind is free, and I am starting all over again, I think that I will finally give my body a rest. I won't have to waste any more time following behind him. What a relief, but at the same time, my mind still thinks about those things.
I wonder if I will ever be able to resolve the issues between us. I just don't know how, if he only gave me lies as answers to my questions. All I wanted to know was "why" but he said he didn't know. I wanted to know how could he keep telling me he loved me while he was out with "her". That's not love. I really want to be able to resolve all those issues, but I find that it's so hard to move on, especially when you don't have the answers to the questions. It's hard going through a divorce, knowing that you tried your very hardest to keep things together but he just didn't care enough to work with you. How do you resolve this in your head without being able to work through it all?
Starting all over again can be quite scary.....especially if you are so used to being with someone and now have to be on your own. How can I put one foot in front of the other one when I am so caught up in worrying about what he's going to be doing when we are apart? Well, that's the million dollar question and to have an answer, you just cannot be worrying about what's going on once you've separated. Yes, your brain will still be in-tuned to the worrying, at least at the beginning, but you have to now say to yourself: "it's about me, and it's MY turn to think about myself". Hard as it may sound, it can be done. First of all, you will be living a life without him, unless he's the father of your children, of course, so you need to start deciding on how you want to live. Maybe a job or some kind of new project will take up some of that "thinking about him" time. Go back and find out what YOU like to do and do it one step at a time. That's what I have had to do.
I think that I have been going around in circles for a very long time now. I question myself about his cheating, but have never found an answer. I don't think I ever will get the answer that I am looking for. How easy is it to move on without those much needed answers? Well, for me, it's been alot of pain and suffering because I go back and forth trying to answer those questions myself. I think that it's time to finally make a step forward. I am going to give it a try. I need to try and focus on myself now and get over the fact that he cheated on me and that it was NOT my fault. I know in my heart, that I did what I was supposed to do and I kept my end of the marriage true, right to the end. The only thing left is a broken marriage to look back on. Let me try and put one step forward and many more to come. I need to give myself a much needed break on the worrying.
I ask myself this, knowing the answer was probably yes. I am a very trusting person and have always been that way, wanting to believe the best out of everyone, especially the one I was with. If you are going to have a good relationship, you have to have trust. I thought that he would be true to me, because HE wanted to be true. Boy, it just didn't happen that way. What in the heck was I thinking? I go around in circles with this sometimes because I still wonder what went wrong. He had a self-employed business which meant coming and going out for jobs at different times of the day. Geez, wasn't the man busy enough with all his jobs? Why did he have to "find" time for another woman in his life? Was she needy? She most likely was someone who needed a man, and since he was a handyman in his business, this probably fit her needs perfectly. Why did she have to choose him? More importantly, why did he even want her? I had needs at home too!
Not only was I afraid of being totally alone ( single with kids), I also worried about finances. How can a woman all alone make it these days? Well, it seems hard, but it CAN be done. First of all, if you haven't been working because you've been a stay-at-home- mom for your kids, I congratulate you!! I've been there, done that and it was wonderful. I did start working again and had my own business so I was able to choose my hours pretty much. If you don't have a job and are facing being on your own, there are several options open for you. Staying with family or a very close friend until you find a good job and get on your feet is one option. Another option would be to ask around to see if someone you know can help get you employed with someone they know. If you already have a job, you must sit down at this point and see your finances and what's got to be paid on paper so you have a better idea of how much you need to bring in to make those bills. At one point in my life, I was told (by him) "oh by the way, I am leaving, and the rent is due next week". I didn't have a job at that time. I had to get out on my own and find one, but luckily, I did. Having too many bills and not enough money to cover them was my greatest fear, but somehow, I made due. Keep your chin up, because it may be tough for awhile, but you can do it!
Well, to be quite honest, I was very afraid of being alone. Being on my own sounded so wonderful when I was a teen, but once I got married and left home, I became accustomed to being with someone.....having someone there when I needed them. I really wanted to actually pick up the rug, and sweep all of his cheating underneath it so I wouldn't have to deal with it, however, that did NOT happen. I was afraid of having to sleep alone at night, having to lock the doors alone, eating dinner without him near, and hearing the silence in the night. Yes, I had my children, but I wanted to be with an adult. He was someone that I had become accustomed to being with and it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with, the separation and divorce and being alone, on my own. I had never done that, because I got married very young and had never experienced being an adult on my own. What can you do to overcome the fear of being alone? Perhaps if I had built a wall of my family and good friends around me, I would have felt more secure. I could have even moved in with family to help me through the hard times, but I didn't. What are some things that you can do to help yourself through the fear of being alone again?
There have been those kind of moments, where I could relax and say "awe" and finally sigh a breath of relief that I don't have to worry about him cheating on me anymore, but then, I have these moments where I wonder if I was invisible to him. Did he not see my face when we discussed "her"? Did he not see that he was ripping my heart into shreds when he constantly denied that she even existed? How could he not see how much he hurt me? Did he fall out of love with me, because he was so in tuned with the other woman, that he just quit caring about how I was hurt? I think maybe he saw me as an invisible woman, with no feelings what-so-ever. How can you love and be with someone for all those years, and all of a sudden, you feel like you have become a nobody.
How do you deal with the holidays that come around ever so quickly when you are divorced or even separated from your ex? I guess it all depends on how much you think about things. I spent a very nice day during Valentines Day, maybe because he never made too much "ado" about that holiday anyways. He did come over, finally, to see our daughter and gave her some chocolate strawberries and a little bit of money. I just so happened to be gone when he came, but she was so excited that her dad FINALLY came to see her. I hope that the talk that we had last week helped him to understand more about his need to come and see her. How did you spend your Valentines Day yesterday?
Not that I should care about the other woman, but I still wonder where she's at. I know that she hasn't moved into my old house, but I wonder if she goes over there to visit, and does she go through some of the things I left there? Does she laugh in silence about my moving out, and now he's free? I have to wonder, although I know it's not important anymore. Would I even recognize her if I ran into her at the grocery store? I honestly don't think so because even though I saw her a time or two, I don't remember her. The only thing I remembered when I saw her last was "why would he want her over me"? I never got that answer and I know I never will. Moving on after infidelity sure is hard.....but I know I will get there someday.
Things are so up and down. I don't understand. I just want him to pay some attention to our daughter. She needs to know that he still loves her, but he doesn't seem to "get" it. He finally called today and my darling daughter was so happy to hear his voice. He said that he doesn't like to call and her hear crying. I tried my best to explain to him that if he would call on a regular basis, even if it's only one time a week, that it would be more consistant and she would at least know that he's still around. I don't know why he can't see that. It's simple as the nose on my face. Children are innocent and they deserve to know that both parents love them, no matter what happened. Children are so precious and we, as parents, need to let them know that.
Is it any wonder that because our daughter is out of sight, she's out of his mind too? That isn't fair. We both had this wonderful child together and he should be trying to be more a part of her life. Yes, you are probably wondering why I am so stressed out about his part of the deal, however, you wouldn't understand unless you had a daughter who sometimes broke into gigantic crocodile tears over not hearing from her own father. She is torn up over the fact that he just doesn't have time for her.....no visits, no phone calls, only when a blue moon comes around. Not only am I the one who has to hear her crying, but I have to try and make things better. I hurt for my child, because it's not her fault. She hasn't done anything to deserve this from him. Why can't he see this? Why does this man have to keep on hurting us so badly? Yes, we are apart, and we will never be back together and we have done alot to make a new life, but shouldn't he have some part in her life as well? Maybe he just has his brain on the other woman. Who knows? I think that I am just worrying too much about this, but I really hurt inside when my daughter misses her dad and he doesn't do anything about it.
Oh, I think that something must be array in my brain somewhere, somehow because I just feel like there are days that I can't help but wonder about him. We had many years together and even though we went through many very bad days, we also had some good days there too. He cheated on me, so that's that. He made his decision when he made the decision to cheat. Obviously he was more into "her" than he was into "us" and our family. Things are done now, and there's nothing that I can do about it. However, since we do have a child together and she is still under 18, I have times that I feel we need to talk about her and how she is doing. Well, that's not happening these days because he just flat out doesn't answer his phone at all. I have tried calling at different times, using different phone numbers, even leaving messages to no avail. I don't understand him or what he's thinking. Does he think that just because we are apart now that he doesn't have to worry about his daughter? It kind of seems as though he has forgotten that he still has an obligation. What is he thinking? And why does my brain still think that I need him to even care?
Not being able to trust your partner is a deal breaker for sure, and it leaves you wondering what's left of your marriage/partnership. I had an unexpected leave last week and the whole time I was gone, I only had my dad to worry about. I came home, thankful to be home but wondering what it would have been like to have to be out of state during the time I was with my ex, and having to deal with his cheating. I don't think that I could have gone through that stress on top of watching my dad go through open-heart surgery. Having a cheating husband/wife is extremely stressful, and I don't know how some deal with the added stress of illness or family matters.
Sometimes I think back and I wonder about all of the bad things that he has put me through and I stop and wonder if there was ever any hope for us at all. I don't know if anything could have changed the past and I wonder if there was, what it would have been. Maybe if I had not tolerated some of his behaviour in the beggining, things would have ended differently. I wish that I could have spotted some of the signs of his infidelity in the beginning, but it was just so difficult for me to see. Why does life have to be so unexpected? Why couldn't he have just been content with me? I wished now that I could have been more alert about the signs when they started, but I trusted him so much and didn't ever think that he would have done this to me and to our relationship. I feel like I lost alot of time in my life with him.