And here I sit, after my series of how to get over the agony of infidelity, and guess who calls me? Yes, it was the ex-husband, right out of the blue. I know that he doesn't have a clue about my blog, as he doesn't even know how to operate a computer, and I have never given his name.....he just called to tell me that he wanted to hear my voice because he hadn't heard from me in a while.....WHAT? What is he thinking? After all this time, he decides to call just to hear the sound of my voice? Maybe he's thinking that if he's nice to me, that I will return, but it's been WAY TOO LONG. There's no way that I can ever turn around. Life for me is good. I am a very strong person now and I am very happy with my life. I'm sure that he's still with his other woman, and he probably called me while she wasn't around, but it just doesn't work for me. He even asked about our daughter. Wow...wonders never cease, do they? And just to think, after all he has put me through, I didn't even cry. YAY!
After all the things that I went through and suffered with that man, I became a stronger woman. I had to learn to love myself again. I had to begin a healing process that I never thought I would journey into. I had to learn that he was all talk and no action. He wanted me to be there as a convenience to him. It was all about HIM, and I had to learn that. I didn't want to believe it, but his actions spoke out loud. I never got any answers about why. I never got to find out even why we broke apart. But I can tell you, that she was not any prettier than me, she wasn't any smarter.....she didn't drive and she was more needy. Something in her, attracted him and he was unable to let go. Perhaps he felt that he could talk to her more than me....but it doesn't even matter anymore. There has to be a time when you just have to stop asking why. It's not easy, but at some point in your life, you can become a stronger person and move on past infidelity. Learn to do things for yourself. Go to college, learn a new sport, lose weight, change your hair style or color, make new friends, but do it for you. Making yourself a stronger person not only gives you a new life, but will make it easier finding a new partner or spouse that will treat you the way that you want to be treated....unless you never want to get remarried, which is fine. Becoming a more person that can take on challenges in life will make you someone who will never be willing to go through infidelity again. I know that, because I have become a very independent woman. Very happy today, by the way. It took YEARS, but I made it through.
Things in my life were crummy, and I didn't feel good most of the time, but I felt like I had to do something to change things..and he wasn't helping any. He would go through periods of time where he would be gone alot, to staying at home. I think he was trying to work against my mind, curious as to what I was going to do about the whole thing, and I just kept on doing what I had to do to get through the entire mess. As I found a support, I began to feel stronger. I felt more in control of my situation. And at some point after trying to make things right, i finally figured out that his games were never going to end. And by the way, this was our second round of infidelity. I was tired of trying. I had to find a way to live my life without all his drama. I never thought that I would of walked out, but after much consideration, and knowing at that point, that things were not ever going to be back the way they should have been, I moved out. At that time, I had 2 children, a self-employed business, and it was hard....very hard. I got to learn how to do things alone. I learned how to survive. Believe me when I say that it's not easy. But at the same time, I felt peace. My inner being was finally at rest. I missed him but I had to go on with life. Nothing in life is easy...but going through infidelity with someone who doesn't want to change is even harder. This process took me YEARS, not months, so if your'e ever wondering if you will ever get through it, the answer is YES. You can do this. Some of us decide to work through infidelity with our partners....and it's a good thing if both parties are willing to do the work. However, if you are the only one interested in making things work, most likely they won't. Think about what your future holds for you. Think about what you want in this life, because life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Be true to yourself and what you believe in. All things are possible but take the time to think things through, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I wish everyone the best and I hope and pray that you don't suffer through YEARS of this like I did.
I had to accept the truth....and that was, that my husband was a cheater. No longer was he considered "mine". Terribly hard to accept, but I had to find a way to get through his infidelity. I started talking to a long time family friend of my parents, who just so happened to be a pastor in a small church. He listened to what I had to say. He asked me a question...." Is this what you want in your life?" and so I began to think about it. Maybe I was feeling so down on myself that I was willing to accept what my husband was doing and I knew it was wrong and I knew that I no longer wanted to deal with what he was putting me through. The question of what did I want in my future came up as well. Did I deserve to be treated this way? I didn't think so, but what was I going to do about it? I got online, found some resources from others who had been going through infidelity. I saw that I wasn't the only one going through this horrible mess. I no longer felt alone. Friends and family are good to talk to...they can only ease your burden by listening but you are the one who has to make that final decision. My husband was NOT willing to make things right. His words were there, but the actions were not. The pain I was going through was still very strong, but I decided that it was time that I stood up and did something about it. No longer did I wish to be walked upon. I started finding ways to make ME feel better. I started losing weight, I put more attention to my work, my home and family. I gave him less attention until I could figure out what I was going to do next.......................to be continued.
I bet you are wondering WHY I had a blind eye, when it came to infidelity....well, sometimes its feels better to try and believe the best in your spouse...after all, isn't that what we are supposed to do when we love someone? My husband (now ex) was charming, and he knew all the right things to say. But once I started asking questions, his demeanor totally changed. He starting being ugly to me, treating me badly, starting fights and did everything that he could to make me think that all of this was my fault. Totally wanting to keep my marriage and family together, I settled down and tried to "sweep things under the rug" as they say. Who wants to leave their comfort zone? I certainly didn't. As time went on, things became worse. I started discovering love letters, personal messages to him from her.....NEVER anything from HIM to her. So, he used that to his advantage and made me think that it was HER who wouldn't leave him alone.....which only made things worse for me. It's undeniable when you find things that aren't right. He had an excuse for EVERYTHING I questioned him about. I grew tired. VERY TIRED of fighting with him over it. I was asking questions that never got answered. I felt like I had to do something. Begging didn't help. Finding her phone numbers and blocking her didn't help. Keeping him busy at home certainly didn't help either. Something had to be done and I was running out of options, so I took a stance. I had to accept the truth...................to be continued.
How did I manage to get myself through all the pain of infidelity? Well, first of all, you have to be able to get past the part of the initial shock that your spouse would ever even think of cheating on you. That initial shock might take a long time, and maybe longer than you want, but honestly, some people can get through it faster than others. For me, it seemed like it took forever. I was very much in love with my husband and I didn't ever think that we had any really big or deep problems. We, in fact, used to get along extremely well, but little did I know, at some point in our marriage, he must have decided that "we" weren't as happy as I thought. I wanted to make his cheating stop. I checked his cell phone, and not only because I was suspicious, but because I ran his self-employed business and did all the paperwork, and answered most the calls. I wasn't expecting to hear his "other woman" being as intimate as she was. Actually, his infidelity hit me like a ton of bricks....only when I confronted him, his denial was very strong. I wanted to believe him, and so I did.....but I shouldn't have. They say a woman's intuition is right most of the time. And I should have believed in myself, but I let him tear my doubts down.....BIG mistake on my part. ...................to be continued.
Going through infidelity is one of the hardest things to have to go through in life. Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it through. My heart was soooooo torn into pieces and I was so out of sync because I wanted to stop all the crazyness and just stop my husband's infidelity. No matter what I did, nothing stopped it. I learned the hard way---that it MUST come from the one who's cheating....THEY have to be the one who stops it and does it because they want to. I cried all the crocodile tears that I had, begged, pleaded, and still, nothing stopped. The only thing I received for all of my heartache was him getting angry, calling me names and treating me worse than he already had. There were times that he told me that nothing was going on, and he played it cool for a little bit to make me think things were alright with us again, but it was all a game that he was playing. I wanted to believe him and I walked around with rose-colored glasses for a time, only because I wanted to pretend he was all mine again. But you know what? After a long bit of time, I started to think about what I could do about it. I wanted to become a stronger person. I had cried all the tears that I was going to cry, or so I thought, but I wanted to make things better.....so how did I do this?
I will be starting a 5-part series of how I got over the agony of infidelity. I know that everyone will go through their journey differently, and some of us will mend quicker than others. It took me such a long time that it felt like an eternity. Loving someone and being in a committed relationship is supposed to be a wonderful experience, but it isn't easy when your spouse/partner decides to cheat. What are the ways you can make things better? If you both decide to work on it, then it CAN be done. But if you are the only one working on a marriage, or a committed relationship, then it doesn't really work. Do what you have to do for yourself. And know, that you cannot make your spouse/partner do what you want them to do....they must do it because they want to.
I had to go into the city where my ex moved into with his other woman today. I got dangerously close to "their" house. I haven't seen him in a very long time so I was hoping that I would not run into him. What IF I had seen him? How would I have reacted? I honestly don't think that I would have been too upset, but perhaps if I had seen him WITH her, it might have been a different story. I know that today I am a very strong person for all that he put me through so I don't think it would have been too much of an issue. I know that I miss those times when we used to be good together....but I don't miss all the heartbreak and tears that he brought to my life. Going through infidelity issues with an adulterous partner has got to be one of the hardest things in life. My whole world was blown apart over his needing other women. I honestly thought I would never get through it, but I did. I think that if I had known back then, that I would REALLY be okay after it was all said and done, I would have not held on as long as I did. I would have been able to get out of that mess much sooner. Everyone deals with heartache differently. Knowing that I did the right thing by getting out was the best thing I ever did for myself. However, some are able to work through it.....wished we could have but he wasn't willing. Both parties must be willing to work at it, and it's super hard, but it CAN be achieved. I think it all depends on the couple. My world of "ifs" stopped the moment that he decided he couldn't give up his other woman. I have moved on....and I am SOOOOO glad that I did.
As much suffering as I have done, I look back at everything that I have been through. Was my marrying him a mistake? Would it have been any different if we had just stayed a couple without the paperwork? Nobody knows the answer to that and I suppose that guessing would only just stir up the feelings a bit. I have come so far since all the heartache he has put me through, and I know that I am a stronger person now. Our daughter will be an adult later this year, so that will officially cut his ties as far as child support goes....but I sure wished that he had been a better father and been there for her, but it just didn't happen. I feel saddened that he has missed out on a beautiful daughter and knows near to absolutely nothing about her except for his occasional visit. The last time that I spoke with him, he still had the nerve to utter the "I love you" words to me, but those words don't get to me like they used to. Still, all in all, I almost feel like being with him was a lifetime away, but in reality, only a few years. I am happy that I was able to get over such hurt, but there's still a part of me, who will always remember it. Thank goodness for rebuilding and becoming a better person.