How do you stop "beating yourself up" over being cheated on? I will be the first one to tell you, it hurts like nothing else. You go over and over in your mind so many questions about why, how, and who, that you might even start to doubt yourself. You question yourself so much and you wonder if it's your fault. Sometimes your spouse will even tell you that it IS your fault, but to be honest, it's NOT. You are responsible for your actions and he is responsible for his. You didn't drag him out and make him go with someone else. You didn't tell him to be sneaking around, and you certainly didn't tell him to make sneaking phone calls or spend all his time with someone else. So, why, do you ask, did this happen to you? Well, this is happening to many people right now and it's also something that YOU did not do. Do not take the blame for your partner's cheating. It is something within themselves that made them do this. Seek someone to talk to about this, someone that you trust and will help you to see that it's not your fault. Just having someone to listen to you helps so much more than you know. Lastly, do not accept the blame for what another person does.
I had been through so much with this man. He was supposed to be my "knight in shining armour". my "hunny-bunn", my everything. I married this man with the intentions of being with him for the rest of my life. I actually did not marry him for quite awhile after we dated. I just wanted to be sure before I jumped in for "til death do us part" and I never expected to see the day coming when I "wasn't" his everything. My tears came out so quickly, so much so, that I thought that I was going to create a new river. My heart had ached at all that he had put me through. So, why did I stay? Was it for a hope and a promise of things getting better? Did I rationalize in my mind that he would actually care enough to love me and be true to me? I don't know. Perhaps it was just me, hanging on to the fact that we did have a family and we had been together for a very long time. I cried so much over his infidelity that I thought that I would never be the same again. I felt like I would never ever be happy again.
So, do I stand up and fight for my man? Or was it useless and time to move on? I had been through so much with this man, that I couldn't hardly stand the sight of him. But why did I love him so? I tended to look at myself for blame, when in fact, the real blame rested upon his shoulders. I can honestly say that I had been a good housewife....I worked, paid my share of the bills for the house and utilities, I took care of our daughter, kept the laundry and house clean, and was always there for him when he needed me. I can't understand why this had to keep happening over and over again. It HAD to be something within him. So, if he wanted to be with me, then why couldn't he just do that? Was I missing something here, or would we never be together again?
This is a question that I often wonder about. You see in the news how many celebrities cheat on their partner, and it's something that I don't understand. They might be "with" a very beautiful partner and they go out with someone else behind their back? It's not about beauty, that's for sure, but it really makes me curious. What is so interesting to a man to have more than one woman? Do they go out an seek someone else totally opposite of their spouse? Why would they need to have someone else? Or could it be that they find chasing someone --new a big challenge? Does the cheating and staying together make for a stronger marriage? In my opinion, the answer is no. I believe that once trust is taken away, it's extremely hard to trust all over again. However, there can be forgivness of a spouse's cheating, but it's never easy to forget about it.
I know that my hearing a different woman's voice on his cell phone message, that this was not any customer by any means. This was another "other woman". It had to be. There was no denying it, although he did, once again. I should have gotten used to his lies, and stories, but I wanted so much to work things out "for the sake of our family". However, what good was he to our family when he was out running around? This was not good situation to be in. I found http://www.squidoo.com/infidelityrecovery/ which seems to be a site that might have some help for those who have gone through this or may be going through it now. No matter how much I wanted to keep my family together, knowing that my man was a cheater was hard for me. How did I keep on hoping for the best?
Another voice meant another woman. There would be NO way that a customer would call about needing money. I tried my best to stay calm after the call and on the trip back home from my daughter's house. I was about to get to the bottom of this, but it would take some time. Geez, I wondered what else life had in store for me. I got back home and didn't feel well. I wanted to know what else he was pulling behind my back. Of course, there was money hidden in his van once again. I was outraged and we got into a tremendous argument. I could never win though, because he always had an explanation for everything. He thought he was sneaky and the more I questioned the sneakier he became. I HAD to find out who this was because I just knew it was not the same other woman. This was a relationship that I knew was not going to make it because I just couldn't take it any more. I had no where to turn. My mother and dad lived about 1100 miles away, as did the rest of my family. I had a couple of friends, but they had their own problems. I had to figure out what my future would be, but I had to find out who "she" was. . . . and it was getting the better of me.
One day, we decided to go and visit my daughter, who was about 6 hours away. I was in shock because he never went many places with me. Wow, he was giving in to what I wanted, for a change. He seemed to be at ease, perhaps knowing that I was trying to move on with life, and he settled down some, keeping more to his work than ever. "Could this man really love me like he said he did?" Was this the miracle I was waiting for? I don't know, but we got to my daughter's house and the visit went well. I can't tell you how much he seemed to be relaxed. One night, before we were about to turn in for the night, a phone call came in on his cell. We didn't answer it in time, but there was a message, and as I started to listen, my stomach turned into knots. I so hoped that our troubles were over. The message was from a different lady. She had a very sweet and high pitched voice, much different than "the other woman". "Hey, I need 32.59 to pay a bill." was what the message said. What the HECK was this all about? I let him listen and he made no facial expressions to give him away, and all he said was " I don't know who that is", maybe it's a wrong number. What do you think? She made no call of his name, or anything else. Just needing money. I wanted to dismiss it, but just couldn't.
Here I was, feeling like I had been through the mud and back, trying to pick myself up and get on with life. As a little more time passed, things were starting to get better. I wanted to breathe that sigh of relief. No more phone calls coming in from "her". Wow, it had to take a really large incident to happen for him to open his eyes about her. So, could we now go on? Well, we did, for a little while. I was not able to trust, I was not able to keep wondering what all had happened. To be honest, this was just plain hard to deal with.
As time went on, things settled down alot, at least for a little while. The "other woman" was no longer in the picture because she had opened a credit card using his social security and then didn't pay the bill, causing his credit to take a dive and he was mad. Even though I helped him get this credit blunder corrected, I secretly, under my breath, was glad that something happened to stop all of this. I wanted him to feel betrayed by her, so he would then see how much he hurt me. It was maybe that thing they call " what comes around goes around". But to be truthful, that wasn't going to make him love me more. He professed his love all along, but there was no way, in MY eyes that he could love me if he was cheating on me. With no more calls from the other woman coming in, or even when they were, they were not answered, I started to relax a little bit and tried to go on with my life. I still felt rejected, and like I was second best. How could I have let a man do this to me? This was a question that I struggled hard about.
Can you move on after that special someone has cheated on you? Oh, I wanted so much to move on. You get with this special person to spend the rest of your life with, have a family with, grow old with, and share your ups and downs. You depend upon him. Your heart gets in really deep. So, what happens when you find out about an affair? You hurt. Your heart grieves for what you have lost. Your heart wants to go on, but it's hard. Sometimes you have a battle with your head and your heart. What can you do about it? That's not so easy to answer. You can find a way to help yourself though. There are great helps out there to help you find your way. One person who really helped me was an old friend of my family. He became a minister, but not only that, he was a listener. He was someone who coached me into seeing the good and the bad. http://FrankFrancis.com was a great help source for me. Some people also choose to find the help through a family member or a close friend. Another site that helped me was http://ivillage.com. This site has a section of forums for women who have issues with a cheating spouse. Whatever you do, please take time to think about what you want in your future and don't make your choice too quickly.
I wanted to be with him, but honestly, I couldn't make him love me. He told me that he did, but he wasn't showing it. Although he was mad at "the other woman" and wasn't answering her calls, that really didn't mean that he loved me again, at least like he should have. They say that time heals wounds, but I felt like time wasn't healing mine. Maybe it's because once I tried healing, he cheated again so quickly that I didn't have any time to heal. How can you heal when it happens over again? I felt like he was wanting to move on, but he wasn't understanding the concept of me needing time to heal.
Oh, the thought of just having a chance to put "us" back together was something that I wanted. I lived through good times and bad times with this man. What was so appealing about him? Why did I think that I needed to be with him? Well, let me see here, first of all, we had love, or maybe it was just me. Secondly, we had a daughter together. Maybe I was glued, attached or cemented to him. I really don't know what the appeal was all about. He was a very nice looking man, and he took care of himself. He was a hard working man. But when I looked at the flip side of the coin, he was sneaky, a liar, definetly not much of a family man, and most of all, he was a cheat. Boy, I sound harsh here, don't I ? Was this a man that I was going to stay with? Even though he was mad at "the other woman" for messing up his credit, that didn't mean that he really wanted to be with me.
Time moved on for us, and we seemed to be trying to get things back into order. He didn't want to admit that this other woman had anything to do with messing up his credit, but once the paperwork came in with proof, he was upset and angry, of course. He turned to me more at this time, as much as I wanted him to, but it was not for the right reasons. This man wanted his credit fixed and I knew how to get it done. I wanted so much for him to want me because HE wanted ME, not because he wanted me to do something for him. But in all honesty, it felt good to be needed and wanted again. I was surely grasping for straws here. Was there a glimmer of hope in my future?
Can you really teach an old dog something new? I was sure hoping so. Not to call him an "old dog" but I am only implying that he was my partner, my spouse, my other half and we had been together for quite a long time. He and I knew each other so well, or so I thought. He was not a young man, actually he was 40 plus. He was no baby by any means. He should have already gotten his running around over and done with. Now, the other woman was calling him like crazy. He was not answering any of her calls, at least when I checked his phone, they were unanswered. I was hoping for a blessing. Who was I , to think that I could teach him to want to be with only me? I wanted him to learn how to be happy with me, just me and our family, and not turn to anyone else. Was I asking for a miracle here? Yes, to be honest with you, maybe I was reaching a bit too far. I wanted him to learn how to be happy without having someone extra in his life.
As the days passed, he grew tired and weary... him? what about me? I was tired of this whole situation. After the fraud department sent us living proof that she was the one who signed his name for a credit card and used HIS social security, he had proof pudding right there in his hands. He was upset with her and from what I understood, vowed not to speak to her again, after all, SHE did mess up his credit. I had to go behind the whole mess and "fix" everything. I had to set up fraud protection and get it taken off his credit report. You probably wonder why I just didn't let him suffer with the consequences. Well, the answer was simple. As much as I wanted to get back at him, I knew that some of my credit and his was mixed and I didn't want the bad stuff touching MY good credit so I had to do what I could to get the mess cleaned up. Yes, the private calls were rolling in and he was ignoring them. Wow, was this a blessing in disguise?