what makes us want to stay in a relationship that's going through infidelity? Nobody wants to be cheated on but yet, we hang on, in desperate hope to somehow make things work. It's not just the love, but it's the family that we cling onto, the months/years that we have invested in our relationship, and the memory of what once was when things were good. That's why I hung on for such a long time. I had hoped that he would come back to his senses and want to keep our family together, but it just wasn't enough. I was grasping at straws when there were none. Are you hanging onto a hopeless relationship? Are you waiting around to see if things get better? I know that feeling of not being able to sleep at night not being able to get all the bad things off your mind and it's so hard to know where to turn to for good help. Do you ever wonder how long it's going to take to make things turn around for the better? The answer to this is in the timing, and how willing both parties of the relationship are to working on it together. Finding someone to confide in and help you by listening is a great help....it was to me, at least. No one should have to deal with the infidelity of a spouse alone.
I look back at my horrible experience and wonder if I learned anything from it......you are supposed to learn something here, right? I still wonder WHY he cheated on me, if he loved me so much. I get lost in thought that maybe he just didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved, I also wonder if it was just something he thought he was allowed to do, even though we said our vows....but you know, honestly, I think that he cheated on me because he thought that he could do it and get away with it. The other woman enticed him and he followed. He didn't have to, but HE made that choice, nobody else did. I blamed the other woman for a long time, but it wasn't her alone that caused his cheating....it was HIM. He didn't have to keep on seeking her. He didn't have to keep persuing her, but he did. Did he actually love me? Perhaps he did, in his own way, but he still thought he could cheat on me and get away with it. Some people say that a marriage takes two people to work on things....and it does. It was all one sided on my part, trying to make things work, but he was already gone.......she has him now, and what have I learned about this? Well, one thing, you can't make someone love you....another thing, most of the time, if they have cheated once, they are most likely to try and do it again. My last stance is that if a man loves me, he will be committed to me and me alone. Going through infidelity was one of the hardest things in life I have had to endure, but I am here, and still marching forward.
After divorce, the world just seems to be so big and scarey, especially if you feel like you are in this world alone. Honestly, sometimes the loneliness can get to you but it's also very hard to start looking for someone new. Many folks believe that you should spend some time alone to yourself for a bit, long enough to give your heart some time to repair it's self from the heartache and sadness of losing your partner to infidelity. But what happens when you ARE ready to jump back out into the sea of love again? What do you look for in your next partner? Do you look for someone to re-marry, or do you take it nice and slow and see how things develop? Everyone has a different criteria for how they choose their next mate, but for me, it seems that I would want to find someone who was DIFFERENT than my exhusband because I am too afraid that I would pick someone again, who was just like him....and I don't want that. Do you go for the outward appearance first and then look on the inside later? I don't think that many people look at the heart-side of it first.....most look for someone who is attractive to them first. My mother always had a little saying "being pretty doesn't always mean it's on the outside---you have to be a nice person from the inside as well for it to make a difference". I guess as a younger person, I didn't always see it that way, but now, after experiencing all I have, I am starting to see it her way. What do I look for in my next partner? I am going to look for someone who has a generous and loving heart and someone who doesn't believe in cheating on their spouse. That might be hard to find, but I KNOW they exist.
Out of the blue, he called me again. I was thinking (as I was hearing him say hello) "oh no! what does he want now"? He started by telling me about a little old lady that was "our" friend, but once we divorced, she became "his" friend, and that's probably only because she thought he was the world's best thing since she lost her husband. This little lady was in her 90's and she loved his company and there were many times while we were married that I found him with her. I knew that he was just visiting her and helping her to fix things in her home, but he proceeded to tell me how she had passed away. But the problem was, he didn't let me know that she has just barely passed but that she had been buried over a week ago. I don't know why he waited so long to tell me, but maybe it was his way of letting me know but when HE wanted me to know. I felt sad because I had known her for many years, but he didn't stop to think and tell me so that I could go and see her for the last time. Maybe it was that way in our marriage, me not knowing things until it was too late. I didn't see the cheating the first time around until it was already too late. Even finding his cheating the second time around was too late because we had already bought a house together. Sometimes I wonder if I had known the warning signs ahead of time, I could have prevented his cheating....but then I honestly think about it and know in my heart that he would have cheated whether I knew the signs of cheating or not. There was nothing I could have done to prevent his behaviour. And as for my dear old friend, I will miss her....that's for sure.
Learning how to downsize is pretty hard. I was used to 2 paychecks coming in the pay the bills, and now I am down to just me. Child support helps but I get VERY little since he is self employed and doesn't make too much. Learning how to budget is something that I have had to learn. First things first is the fact that you have to make enough money to afford the payments on the rent, or whatever house you are going to be living in. You must factor in the cost of electricity, gas and water and that is combined together to see if you make enough to cover that. Next is making sure that you have the money to buy gas for your car to get to work, food to eat on, and the necessary oil changes and new tire that you might need. Then....there's necessary clothing you need to clothe the children, if you have any, and for yourself to go to work in. All of this needs to be considered before the cable expenses, movie rentals, eating out and extras like going out to have a nice time. It's hard because it's totally different than it was before. Honestly, it CAN be done, as long as you watch your incoming and outgoing expenses. Making a budget is easily done by writing it all down on paper, then it's easier to follow.