Wow, powerful question but sometimes we wonder what we need to do to know when it's time to through in the towel. I know that after I caught my husband cheating on me, I immediately divorced him.....I mean, it was totally devistating. However, with much thought, and about 9 months later, I decided to return. He welcomed me with open arms, acted like he just couldn't live without me. I decided to try it again.... and we did. We decided to find a place of our own. I searched all over until I found that right place, and we moved in. Things seemed to be good for awhile. After a little while, things started changing. I didn't know what was going on with him. He seemed to be angry for no reason, started working funny hours, actually showing the signs of cheating but I just couldn't see them at that point in time. So many times he told me how sorry he was, but he would just go out and cheat again. He would get a call from the other woman about needing him and instead of coming home to me, he would go to work, and sneak around to see her on his lunch hour or at some point during the work day and then come home to me as though nothing had happened. He didn't want counseling. He told me to just forget about the other woman and go on with our lives. He didn't want to find a way to let me trust him again. I went on with this lifestyle for longer than I should have until it was just too much for me. Along with her ruining his credit with fraud and my having to fix it for him, her numerous messages that she left and letters, I just couldn't take it anymore. I think I knew when it was time to quit by the feeling that I had inside of me. My heart loved this man so much, but I was just unable to trust. I was tired of checking his cell phone. I was tired of trying to follow him around. I was tired of being the last important thing on his list. If you are unsure if it's time to quit, examine your feelings. If your partner is willing to honestly work things out, then you have a chance.... and if not, it's not worth all the time lost at begging him/her to stay. You will most likely feel a feeling inside of yourself when it's time to quit.
There he stood, his face so smooth, except for the small mustache he kept. He had slightly wavy black hair, little bit of salt and pepper to his look but none-the-less, a good looking man. He was only 2 inches taller than me, small build with a few muscles to his arms but he had the biggest brown eyes you would ever hope to see. I miss his face so much. I can see him in my mind, smiling back at me, like he used to do, way back when. It's so hard to imagine such a nice looking man who was once my one and only love and to picture him now as he ages, still cuter than ever, but in my heart I know how he is. He doesn't want to love just me. He didn't want to go to counceling so that we could work on our marriage. He didn't want to be bothered with the crying and the tears. Will I ever run into another man like this? Will I ever have the love that I once had for him? One day, my day will finally come and I know that getting over a true love will take time. Who knows how long, but one day, I may finally find the right one.
One of the most scariest things out there is having to find a lawyer when you are normally not someone who already has one. It's a great big world out there and it's hard to choose one if you don't know what you are looking for. First of all, there are many very good attorneys and it might help for you to ask around to family and friends to see if they can recommend someone. If not and you are having to start from scratch, it might be a good idea to call around and see someone that offers a free consultation. Start from there, see what they have to say about your situation and you really need someone that you are comfortable with, someone that has your best interests at heart, and not someone who is only in it for the money. Finding a good attorney can really help, especially if you have been married for a longer period of time and/or have children.
I do know a few things about divorce, after having to deal with it a time or two. I can tell you right now, that the man who you know as the one you married, the one who was supposed to be your soul mate can change in a heartbeat when having to deal with divorce. If you are one that has to go through the divorce because he has another woman, you need to watch out. No longer will he be easy to deal with......and that's because there is another woman involved. He will want to do everything that he can to please her so you may stumble upon some problems before it's all said and done. I watched my astoundingly sweet husband who wanted nothing more than to please me, turn into the biggest and meanest creature of all time when it came to divorcing. He not only wanted out, but he wanted to hurt me with every step of the way....and it was all because he was NOW trying to please someone else. I gave in more than I should have when it came to the child support and letting him have some of the things that should have been mine, and now regret it. If you are having to deal with divorce from a man who has someone else, don't let your guard down.
Now, finally, with my eyes wide open, I can actually see what was right there before me. I can now see his uncaring eyes, and the way that he doesn't seem to be interested in what's going on with us anymore. I guess you could say it's out of sight--out of mind, at least with him it is. Our daughter doesn't seem to be the limelight of his eye anymore and it seems as though he has forgotten that he has one. Going through his infidelity and getting a divorce was pure hell for me, because I didn't want it. I didn't want any of it, but that's what I got. As I look back on what was a little piece of "us" I wished that I could have seen the signs of up ahead before I ever jumped in. I know that THAT wasn't possible but boy oh boy--if I could have saved myself all the heartache and pain, I would have. I am done with him now and the door is forever closing and I know that I won't ever have all the answers to my questions answered but now is the time for me to let him go. I have to make myself stronger and know that things will be alright in my life once again. It all just takes time.
Natural disasters is something that nobody can control. I guess it's kind of like a marriage. You can't always control what your partner does, even if you are married. When I got married, I thought that we were a team. Our partnership only lasted about 10 years. Was it something that I did to end this partnership? No, honestly, I tried so hard to hold onto it, thinking that his cheating would just all of a sudden stop and we would go on with life and be happy again. That didn't happen. I had to find a way to be able to live, and live peacefully. Life was not going to be peaceful with a man who had to have more than one woman. Yes, I filed for divorce because I just couldn't take it anymore. So many lies were told. Not only that, but my faith and trust were gone. I no longer felt as though we had a marriage. He didn't want to try either. This marriage reminded me of the Hurricane Ike that just passed through here a week ago. No way of controlling anything, it just happened.
After we divorced the first time, I ran, and boy, did I run hard and fast. After being apart for 9 months, I came back and we eventually got back together....all of this, AFTER I sold my home. I wished that I had not done that, however, we needed a place of our own again. I found the most wonderful house in a perfect location. We were there for a couple more years until it all exploded again with his cheating. I ended up leaving again, and here I say once more, I wished that I had not left. I wished that he had done the leaving but he was NOT going to go, so I did. Now, I sit here in my own little spot. I have a very small home, but it's all mine. I don't have to worry about cleaning up after him. I don't have to worry about his comings and goings. I don't have anything to deal with except for our daughter and myself and paying the bills. This little house doesn't have much of a back yard like my previous home did, but it's big enough for what I need. I am proud of the fact that I no longer have to deal with him and I am feeling stronger each day because I am making progress. Many women have to down-size after divorce, but hey!!! it's okay because there is a better life ahead.
As I was came home from work, I sat down to relax a little bit before the daily ritual of picking up my daughter from school, I sat in peace and quiet. The next thing I knew my dogs going wildly crazy and that surely meant that someone was here. I got up to see what all the chatter was about and there he stood! I mean, he stood right there in front of my door, and I actually almost fell over with shock. I felt compelled to scream at him because he never showed up at our daughter's quinceanera (her 15th birthday party similar to a sweet sixteen). Oh how I wanted to begin yelling but I didn't. I kept my cool. I opened the door and went out on the porch to see what he wanted, knowing that I didn't dare let him inside. He came to bring me a piece of mail. Oh my gosh, why did he come here just for that? Wouldn't it have been more important for him to come to the quince? Wasn't our daughter more important than a piece of mail? I gave him a look and he started to explain why he just couldn't go. He had barely gotten another vehicle and claims that he didn't have a ride, although several rides were offered to him for that night. The only thing I could pretty much get out of my mouth was "you need to talk to your daughter". I just could not pardon him....it's her that needs to hear the "I'm sorry" routine. He said that he knew she was mad. And to top it all off, he NEVER bothered to call her. What kind of father did he turn out to be?
There were times that my mother and dad would come to visit. I was so happy to see them as they had moved out of state and was far away. I was really busy with kids and working and taking care of all of the household duties that when they came, it was a time of visitation and relaxation for me. During those visits, my husband was very kind. My mother seemed to see right through him though, because she would sit at the kitchen table and try to talk to me about how he was taking 4 and 5 showers a day, going out after each one all dressed nicely. My mother saw those signs and tried hinting to me that some of the things that he was doing just wasn't normal things. I didn't want to see it. I only wanted to skip over the topic and pass it all off to the fact that he was a really hard-working man and had to clean up after each job. Heck, he was a plumber and odd-jobs worker so I made up excuses for him, which I realize I shouldn't have. She was only trying to point out those signs to me and I didn't want to face them. He really put on the sweetest face while my parents were around, always being of the most politest person. I sit here now, wishing that I had faced what she pointed out to me, but just couldn't see it at the time.
Living with this man of mine was somewhat of a challenge at times. What did he want from me? Didn't he understand that I had feelings too? He often told me that he would come home when he felt like it and there was nothing that I could do about it. Although we throughly discussed at length how we were going to do things together, we rarely did. He didn't like going to the movies. He didn't like going to eat out together much. This man didn't like going ANYWHERE with me, unless it was going to exchange some sort of tool that he didn't want to deal with himself. So, when we DID go to exchange something for him, he would go to eat out with me kind of as a reward for my helping him. He liked buying things but didn't want to deal with the bills as they came in. I ended up paying all the bills, taking care of kids, cleaning the house, cooking two dinners ( one for me and the kids to eat, and one for him that was different). Heck, we didn't even watch tv with me. All he wanted to do, was go to work, come in the house and isolate himself to his own tv shows or video games or stay in the garage until it was time to go to sleep. Looking back on this strange behavior now, I can honestly see what was going on.....this man showed no interest in being with me, only using what resources I had to give to him. What a shame that I never even saw this behavior as being of someone who had another woman. All I saw at that time, was a man who acted strange and I thought it was due to his culture. What a wasted many years I spent with someone who didn't even show his love.
Sometimes when we were together, he would decide to come in from work and go straight to the shower, the right to our room, alone. Did he eat dinner with me and our family? Most of the times, the answer was no. What made our relationship so odd was that we were together in the same house, but we didn't really do anything together. When my friends came over, he would retreat to our room and not come out and socialize. He became strange in some of his habits such as taking 4 and 5 showers a day, wearing 2 and 3 different sprays of cologne, almost to the point of really stinking me out. He did work hard and would come in with the checks he made and post them on the refrigerator for me to deposit and pay his share of the bills but he rarely bought me anything or took me out and paid for it. He suddenly decided at one point in our marriage that he didn't like my cooking and started wanting special foods such as things he used to eat while he lived in Mexico. Why didn't I see all of these changes in him while we were together? Why didn't I happen to see that he was going out on me way before I discovered it?
I spent many days waiting on him hand and foot. I bent over backwards trying to make myself good enough to be his one and only love. We married and it was good at first. He was loving and caring, but somewhere along the way, things changed. I don't know what made the change in him because as far as I knew, things were fine between us. I feel like I may have done so many things to try and make "us" work that all of my work was done for nothing. What makes a man want to cheat on his wife or partner when she has done nothing wrong? Perhaps I was lacking in something that he wanted, but I would never know because he never complained. He seemed to be happy and I know that I put my all into our marriage. Did I waste 10 years of my life with someone who never wanted me in the first place, or did he just feel he had the right to cheat on me?
Coming to a realization that he and I will never be back together again is something that I didn't want to recognize. I wanted to be with him till death do us part, but since he cheated on me, that didn't happen. We even got back together after his infidelity, only to have it happen alot more but with two women instead of one. Why would I ever think that we would get back together? Would he learn his lesson after the second time of my leaving him? Well, I have discovered the answer to this question and it is a big "NO". He claims to love me, but his actions surely do not show it. I think that he only used me while he could and when we got back together, he must have thought that he could cheat on me and I would never find out about it. But I did, and it hurt just as much as the first time he cheated. To this day, he has shown me exactly what he has to offer me, and that is nothing: nothing but being someone for me to take care of and getting nothing back in return. He made his choices and did not want to get help for our marriage. He made the choice to treat me that way and I know now, in my heart, that we are done and will never ever be together again. Why did it take so long for me to figure this out?