Little ole me? Asking him to give her up? Sure, it was a stretch, but why would he? Maybe he thought that he could have us both? I think not !!! It was a horrible thing to think....but yet, I didn't seem to have any control over it....or did I ? I didn't think so, but to be quite honest, I could have controlled MY side of things. I could have walked out of the situation.....but just couldn't pick up my things and run AGAIN. I had already done that once and I didn't want to do it again. Why did he make things so hard for "us"? Was there an "us" anymore? I pondered in my head what my next move would be and just found myself so upset that I couldn't do anything....anything but cry, of course. He was my love. He was my daughter's daddy. I was so upset and confused over all of this mess that I was trying to find myself. I guess it was too much to ask for, him giving up the other woman.
Why did the other woman have to have such hatred that she would go out and mess up his credit? She probably thought that this would make him go over there and see her more to try and find out WHY she did this. Guess what? There were many more phone calls. So much so, that one day, he stayed on the phone with her for a very long time. He came home angry, upset and didn't want to talk about it. He only wanted my help in fixing it. Would this finally make her go away? Oh how I wished so.
Maybe it was just me. I didn't want to believe that this was happening again. And you know what? It was with the SAME woman. One day we went to check his credit and there was something on there that he didn't put there. We found out it was her that did it. She was mad about the fact that he was still back with me and she wanted to punish him. She took out a credit card in his name, using his social as well. She let a yearly fee be charged and then didn't pay it. She let it go so far that it went to collections. I was the one who had to "fix" it. At first, he didn't want to believe it was her. I called the necessary channels, and we got evidence in the mail that it was her that signed. He became VERY angry over what she did. Would the phone calls then stop? Unfortunately not.
Why do I have to suffer so much anguish with this man? Private calls were coming in again on his cellular. I got so used to checking his cell phone when he would go and shower. That wasn't a good feeling at all. I hated having to sneak around looking at the calls. It drove me nuts. Why couldn't I have just been able to push it aside in my head and act like things were alright? I wished that I could have turned what they call "a blind eye" to what was going on, but I just couldn't. This wasn't right. And he might have thought that "what I didn't know won't hurt me" but this didn't apply either. How could he think that I wouldn't pick up on these "private calls"? Or when the phone rings and rings 5 or 6 6times in a row, hanging up after so many rings ? Isn't this a warning signal that something is not right? What about the letters? If this wasn't evidence, then what was it?
My real true love was slipping through my fingers. How could this have happened to me? I wanted "us". Why was this intruder known as "the other woman" coming into our lives? More importantly, why couldn't he have expressed what was wrong and come to me, instead of someone else? I would have at least known what was going on in his mind. I would have known what was wrong and tried to fix it, but I didn't even have a clue. This man was such a good man at heart. He helped others, he was courteous and kind, but he often became angry with me. Although he never raised his voice, he soon began saying "ugly" and "horrible" things. Why couldn't he have trusted enough in me, or in our relationship to turn to me and help ME? No, instead, he was "helping" the "other woman" because , well, I just really don't know, but perhaps he felt sorry for her. He should have felt sorry for me, for what he put me through. I so wished that things would have been different, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't change anything. Don't you sometimes wonder why things happened the way they did?
What do you tell the children? I guess it depends alot on their age and maturity level. I didn't want to tell her ugly things to make her upset. After all, it was HER dad. Kids love their parents no matter what. How did I tell her about her dad's cheating? Well, to be honest, she was not old enough to understand what infidelity was. I had to tell her that her dad and I were not getting along and had some differences, but up until this date, she did not know what cheating was or anything about it. When they are grown up enough to understand, then you have to approach the subject carefully because they do not want to believe the worst in their other parent. I wanted my daughter to still love her dad, even though he not only cheated on me, but on "our " family happiness. Be gentle in your words. Explain things in a way that they might be able to understand, and make sure they know that it's nothing that "THEY" did. Although my daughter is a young teen, and understands more of what happened, she now knows that what he did was wrong, but she still loves him and wants him in her life. I, too, want him involved with our daughter. I understand this oh so well, having gone through my own parent's divorce while being young. No matter how upset or mad you are, please be gentle with your explaining to your children. Keep your grown up problems to yourselves. Children are precious and innocent and deserve to believe the best in both of their parents.
Life is hard, having to go through infidelity. We marry or get with another person to spend our lives together, sharing with that other person. Things can go along great for awhile. Then something happens....but what is it? How do you know when things are changing? Well, you don't always know that, especially if your lives become really crazy busy. What about when children start coming along and there are more obligations to attend to than just "you and him"? Oh, let me tell you, sometimes life gets going along ever so quickly that it blindsides you. Work is hard, coming home exhausted, our lives get busy and wow! the next thing you know, your routines get in an uproar and there you have it--- change. When things start changing, we don't always stop and address the issues. Maybe we should. Maybe we need to keep a closer eye on things. I wish I knew the answers here. I thought that things in my marriage were going great. I mean, after all, I was working, keeping up with all the housework, the cooking and the laundry. I was taking care of "our" children and he should be happy, right? I was even making special time for "us". What in the world happened to us?
Since the "other woman" had begun getting more braver with letters and more phone calls, I still didn't want to believe that it was HIM. I wanted to give him the "benefit of the doubt". I felt that perhaps it was her chasing after him since he supposedly told her that he wanted to be with me and our family again. Perhaps she just couldn't give it up? Could she be a stalker do you think? No, I think I knew better, in the back of my mind. So much activity going on, and here I was, waiting to "catch" him. But there wasn't going to be any catching because he was not going to allow me to find anything out. With only phone calls and letters, he still wanted me to believe that it wasn't him. It was her and she was "crazy"
With the "other woman" becoming more confident of herself, I grew more and more insecure. I don't like feeling like that, but I felt like I was put into a position that I had to defend myself, and everything that I knew about our family being together. Didn't it mean anything to him that we were a family? For me, family is everything. Why couldn't he see that he was putting "us" in jepardy? Didn't he care that I would find out about her calling him again and leave again like I did before? Was this fun and games for him? Oh, I know, perhaps it was challenging for him. He must have thought that living on the edge was entertaining. Geez, I couldn't believe that I was going through this once again !!!
As time went on, the other woman started calling his cell phone more. I would check to see and sometimes he would answer and other times he wouldn't. He was the type of man who didn't like to be bothered. He didn't like problems and he didn't like to call people back. He never once had a phone call going to her.....not even on the bill. Believe me, I did check that. I felt like I had to, to try and find out what was going on, because I could never get any answers. He was a sneaky man for sure. Then, one day, the other woman left him a message. "call me, my love. Be careful coming over here so SHE doesn't find out". Oh my. That was a bold message alright. This was to the point of getting ridiculous now.
I would really like to know what possessed him to think that he could have his cake and eat it too? What about the kids? This was an extremely important question in my mind. Do I stay with him so that the children could have a dad? My kids, to be quite honest, were very happy. Even my grown children who would come with their children to visit were happy. I had picked out a wonderfully older home with plenty of space, so when they came, there was plenty of room to stay. He was always working, so he was in and out a bunch. The kids were happy in the fact that they were going to school with all of their friends, and the location of our house was good too. There was plenty of room for bike riding and the grocery store was within seeing distance so it was a quick drive as well. Sometimes when you are going through many ups and downs, you don't always see anything but what you are going through. I had to be very watchful because not only was I having to go through his infidelity, I had to go to work as well.....I had to cook, I had to wash clothes, I had to tend to my children, school stuff and manage all of his books on his business. I had to make sure that everything got done, even though I was trying to deal with infidelity but still I wanted to know why didn't he think about our family first?
Not only was she calling, she wrote him another letter that told him of undying love, and how she would never give up on him. She told him that I came to her house but she didn't answer the door. Aw!!! She was actually home when I went to her house. She wrote to him as though he was feeling "stuck" with me. What?? I didn't understand. HE was the one who begged and begged me to come back. So why was she stating in her letter for him to just hold on and bear it out because she would NEVER go with another man and she would wait for however long it took for him to come back to her. I couldn't understand what was going on here. Was he feeding her a line too or was he planning on going back to her? She wanted him to try and keep me calm and unsuspecting so he could still be with her. What posesses a man to carry on this way? This was a question I will never have an answer to.
Well, I soon discovered WHY the other woman wasn't leaving us alone in peace. I racked my brain and couldn't come up with an answer. The answer was staring me right in the face. How could I have missed it? You want to know WHY? The reason that she kept calling and persuing him was because HE gave her reason to. He must have been calling her, but not from his cell phone. Not from the house phone either. Listen, this man is a really smart cookie. I suppose that the more suspicious I got, the more secretive he became. My mother was right in the fact that he must have been given her some kind of reason to keep calling. What was this man thinking? We had a young daughter. We were trying to raise a family and he was STILL carrying on with the other woman. My heart sank into my stomach. How could he do this to our family? And WHY?
I called the numbers and of course, got the run-around. I happened to find out where she lived because of the letter she wrote him and one day, I decided to go over there. What in the heck was I thinking? The truth be told, I wasn't thinking. I was one desperate woman. I wanted to confront her, in a nice way, and find out why she was not leaving us in peace. I wanted to plead with her to leave us alone. So, I went there. I couldn't tell if she was home or not, because she didn't drive, didn't own a car and her work was right around the corner from her house. This was about a 20 or 22 min drive from my own house, but still close enough. I was going to ask her to please quit calling. I mean, we had a family and I couldn't understand why she didn't respect that.
I wanted to protect "our family" so much that I got desperate. I started checking the cell phone when he would go to take his shower, which was often because sometimes he would come in from a job and shower, so it was happening like 3 times a day. I would write down calls coming in and then I would look at the calls made out. He rarely made any calls out. Now, I got into such a habit of this, I was good at it, but it became such a ritual for me that it was almost like something I did in my normal routine of things during the day. I really shouldn't have done this. I hated doing this. All it did was take up MY time. Did I find anything? I found lots of numbers, and I found numbers once again from her work location. I went looking for something and I found it. Oh, I wished that I hadn't have. I was mad at myself for snooping for one, and mad once again that she was calling him again. But why? Couldn't she just leave us in peace?