If He Loved Me, What Made Him Cheat?

I look back at my horrible experience and wonder if I learned anything from it......you are supposed to learn something here, right? I still wonder WHY he cheated on me, if he loved me so much. I get lost in thought that maybe he just didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved, I also wonder if it was just something he thought he was allowed to do, even though we said our vows....but you know, honestly, I think that he cheated on me because he thought that he could do it and get away with it. The other woman enticed him and he followed. He didn't have to, but HE made that choice, nobody else did. I blamed the other woman for a long time, but it wasn't her alone that caused his cheating....it was HIM. He didn't have to keep on seeking her. He didn't have to keep persuing her, but he did. Did he actually love me? Perhaps he did, in his own way, but he still thought he could cheat on me and get away with it. Some people say that a marriage takes two people to work on things....and it does. It was all one sided on my part, trying to make things work, but he was already gone.......she has him now, and what have I learned about this? Well, one thing, you can't make someone love you....another thing, most of the time, if they have cheated once, they are most likely to try and do it again. My last stance is that if a man loves me, he will be committed to me and me alone. Going through infidelity was one of the hardest things in life I have had to endure, but I am here, and still marching forward.

13 comments:

Blabbable Secrets said...

People who cheat don't always know how to love. They are selfish.

Detective Agency said...

This matter can be easily solve if you both talk to each other (face to face)politely.

Anonymous said...

Please read this article on the chemicals related to love.
http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html

Because they (the different chemicals) are independent, these three systems can work simultaneously — with dangerous results. As Dr Fisher explains, “you can feel deep attachment for a long-term spouse, while you feel romantic love for someone else, while you feel the sex drive in situations unrelated to either partner.” This independence means it is possible to love more than one person at a time, a situation that leads to jealousy, adultery and divorce — though also to the possibilities of promiscuity and polygamy, with the likelihood of extra children, and thus a bigger stake in the genetic future, that those behaviours bring. As Dr Fisher observes, “We were not built to be happy but to reproduce.”

Your husband did love you. His having an affair did not mean that he didn't love you. Well, unfortunately he loved the other woman to some extent as well. He naturally wanted the goodies from both worlds.

Anonymous said...

hi, hope your still around to listen to me. I have just yesterday caught my husband making an appoint to a massage place to get a happy ending, he of course lied and said he was on the phone to a friend but 24 hours later - yesterday- I told him i was leaving because I knew he was lying to me. So he told the truth to me. He says he loves me, and he actually didnt do the act because I caught him and the place said no, but the intent to play up on me was there and would have happen given she said yes and I didnt catch on to him. Can he love me like he professes to do and still want someone else. He first said he wanted something different but then I worked out something different was not what he was going to get, he was going to get sex (same stuff we do) but with somjeone else. So that is my issue. He wanted someone else. I had sex the nite before and he did not ask me that nite, he just wanted someone else. What do you make of it and what do I do..cheers

Debbie said...

dear anonymous, I think that your husband and you probably need to have a good old heart to heart talk to find out what his real issue is. Sometimes, yes, things can be worked out...I wish you all the best, and I hope that he is able to share with you just exactly is going on. Whatever you do, just make sure that you stay true to yourself. You are worth more than having a man that cheats on you. I get all comments in my email so I am still here. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Hi...I am 24 years old...and have a 2 year old child with my fiance...we have been together for about 5 years including boyfriend/girlfriend phase...he confessed to me that he had cheated on me with 3 other women and i forgave him..after that we had a couple of arguments and then we split for about 2 weeks..when I left for those 2 weeks he slept with one of the women he had slept with before...he just told me now...what do I do I don't know wether to trust him or not.

Debbie said...

trust is a big issue when dealing with infidelity. He may have been thinking that since you were separated that it was ok for him to go out with other women...however, it was with one of the same women as before so I would kind of wonder if they have actually broken off their affair. The only thing you can do is to find out if he really wants to work things out, and if he does, he should be willing to do whatever it takes ( such as be an open book and to be honest) and try to see if you will be able to trust him again...but it takes time, and I mean lots of time, and patience. What does your gut feeling tell you to do? often, that will be right. Take your time and think things through. IF you both want to make it work, then it's possible. I wish you all the best!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I've been with my man for 4 years. I've caught him cheating on me like 12 times. When we broke up for a month he told his ex he loved her and was having sex with 4 other girls. He gave me an std. We have a 1 year old together and I've taken him back. He is the love of my life and makes me happy but 5 months ago he cheated again this time he got her pregnant don't know if it was a real pregnancy or not. But I stayed calm cause I loved him. Were still together but every day I'm scared he is going to hurt me again. We have talked numerous times about it and every timehe gets mad at me. Confused if he still loves me.

Anonymous said...

Hello, i am 31 years old, i have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I have recently found a video of my boyfriend having sex with this girl.I question him, first, he said it was before me and was a one night thing, i didn't buy it. I did my investigation and found out that the girl used to work with him some how i was able to find her on Facebook and had a chat with her about her and his affair. She claims that they been together since 09/09/09 and just broke up October of 2011.She also said that she got married in November of 2011 to her husband right after she broke up with my boyfriend. This does not make any sense. Anyways, she also told me that she got pregnant by my boyfriend and he told her to get an abortion. She said she never called him during their 2 years of relationship, they always use to talk through texts(i have always known the password to his cell phone).They used to see each other 3 times a week usually at night but never on his days off( i am with his on his days off).She said they went to see movies and he use to take her to this one restaurant.She also mention that she never met any of his family because she works all day and never met his friends because he got none.I asked her if she has any pictures of him and her together since they were together for 2 years she says she had to delete all of them. I know all his family and friends. They know that we have been together for 7 years and will get married as soon as i am done with my school.This girl also claims that she met my boyfriend's mom and his 9 year old daughter,when i questioned his mom she said she has never seen any other girl with him and his daughter denies meeting with this girl too.So this girl is asking me to send her my picture, when i did send her one picture of me she got upset and start posting on her wall " i don't give a f**K".I printed this chat and showed to to my bf and he did admit cheating on me while he was with me and he said he had sex with her once and then she claimed that she was pregnant. He told her that it was not his kid because he knew she was with multiple partners.She was insisting on having the baby but when he offered to pay for abortion she did it. I love my bf a lot and i have decided to stay with him, he said he made the biggest mistake of his life and he only loves me.We are not married and we don't have any kids, if he is unhappy with our relationship he would have left me but he decided to stay with me.He says he only loves me and wants no other women and he will try his best to earn my trust back. He has given me his password to his phone his Facebook basically i have excess to everything.When i asked him why did he do it he said he doesn't know why he did it but he felt really bad right after it.Our relationship is great but i go to school full time and work full time. I get tired so we don't have sex everyday.
He always have been where he tells me, he has never lied to me.I am kind of a bitch sometimes, he puts up with a lot of my shit but i have NEVER cheated on him. My heart deep down inside want to believe him but i do get doubts that he might do it again.He says that, the girl that he slept with got upset when he told her that the baby was not his and now she knows that i am with him so she is trying everything possible to make sure we break up. My boyfriend is 36 years old and the girl is 22.See what i dont understand is that this girl told me that she was friends with her husband while she was with my boyfriend and he knew about my boyfriend but as soon as she dumped my boyfriend she got married to her husband. How is that possible..she must have been sleeping with him before they got married.My bf said he lied and was hiding this affair from me because he did not want to hurt me but this girl is making up some stuff that does not make sense.Any suggestions to what should i do? I found the video on his desktop i have full access to it and he never freaked out when i used his computer.

Debbie said...

Dear anonymous, Honestly, sometimes you never get real answers to why they cheat. If he is willing to be an open book for you, to allow you access to his accounts and passwords, then he really might be trying to show you that he is sorry for what he did. As far as the other woman, most of the time, they don't even care about how you feel and will say things to hurt you....just because. My advice here would be to stay away from that other woman because she is only going to confuse you. If you love this man, and are willing to try again with him, then you need to work at it...just you and him. A partnership or marriage is only for the 2 people involved. Trust your gut on this one. If staying with him is what you want to do, then you as well as he, needs to work on this together so you can try and get your trust back again. I wish you all the best....get rid of the video or at least put it somewhere that you don't have to look at it. Good luck !

Anonymous said...

no answer, no reason, just the pathetic "i made a mistake" excuse. where was the love and respect for me when he was off with her? he was to her just another one, and i feel so ashamed for him that he meant nothing to her,in fact she probably dont even remember him. i have 2 small children and although he is a looser of a husband he is a great dad and i dont feel i have the right to split them up and change the security of there world thus negatively impacting on their future development.

Anonymous said...

Thanks do much for this post. I am four and a half moths post finding out. My husband started cheating on me when we were dating and "stopped" when I found out I was pregnant. Then he got involed with a girl he works with (at a bar) and left me for her when it came out.

He blames me for his cheating. He actually had the nerve to say "it takes three to cheat". I was appalled! How dare he blame ME for his choices. We had our issues, who doesn't. They were nothing huge in my opinion, but like you, I was the only one really trying to fix things. He says I pushed him away and he tried to make things work, but it was never te way I wanted. I have realized the things I did "wrong" as a wife, but those things did not make him cheat. There are plenty of coupes who have problems that stay faithful and try to work through those problems. He has not owned up to the things he did "wrong" in our relationship beyond the cheating.

I have these same feelings and questions. How could he do this if he really loved me. More so, how could he do it repeatedly, with a number of different women. I have a daughter from my previous marriage, and he lied to me and deceived me for our entire relationship, and now she is being hurt by his actions too. I am so mad that he wasn't man enough to bow out when he realized he couldn't keep it in his pants. If he had, there would be a lot less broken pieces to pick up.

Do these feelings ever fade, or go away?

Anonymous said...

same here. I have been with my guy for 7 years off and on. I am pregnant with our second child and went to my prenatal appointment and found out he gave me std!! he admitted he has been with his ex on five diff occassions since my two year old has bee born. we were engaged to be married..of course the wedding is off but I do still love him ya know. I wish he would grow up!!