Living in the real world these days often mean that you might have to do things all by yourself. Many women are grown up to learn how to cook and clean the house, laundry and things as this, however, we don't always learn how to do the outside work or household repairs. Teaching those kinds of things to our children can be a plus for them as they grow up and one day might need to know those types of things. I have learned how to get help for the things that I cannot do alone. Looking for a handyman in the newspaper can be frightening for most women on their own. Always ask around to your family and friends when needing help instead of calling a stranger into your home. Most of the time, a friend or family member may be able to help you with those types of help that you cannot do on your own. Being careful is a must, especially if you are living alone.
Tax time has come and oops! it's almost the deadline. How do you divy up your taxes? If you are divorced already, then you must file single, or head of household. What if you are still legally married? I suppose that depends on the state that you live in, however, I think those kind of questions would be best answered by your tax preparer. In my case, we are divorced. We no longer file together, however, I have done his taxes for him for many years and he is once again begging me to help him out. It's hard to help him when he doesn't answer my phone calls and he doesn't want to come see our daughter. He wants my help even though he is busy paying his other bills, but doesn't have enough money to pay his child support. I don't know what he's thinking these days. What happened to all his integredy? How does he feel that my helping him with his taxes is alright, but it's not alright for him to find even 30 minutes to come see his daughter? I am lost here, because I thought that he could at least find time for her.....but he doesn't. How is that fair? Is the "other woman" still taking up so much of his time that he isn't putting everything in perspective? Why can't she help him with those taxes?
I don't know what this man is thinking, but we still haven't gotten a visit from him for our daughter. She remains upset over the situation and even though I have thoroughly explained that he needs to make some-what regular visits, he still doesn't. I don't see what the excuse is this time. First it was that he was working so much and now, it can't be that because he had an accident and broke his rib and forearm due to a fall and has been out of work for nearly 4 months now. Yes, he's already gone back to work, but he said there isn't very much work right now.....not only are we suffering from no child support, but no visits either. If he isn't working much, then why doesn't he come to see her? She hears from him on text messages every once in a while, but it's just not fair. I have explained to her that even though he doesn't come, he still loves her. He just has other issues on his mind right now. That still doesn't help her much. She is growing up and he's missing that. What a pity....and to think, it's all because of his cheating. Why did it have to be this way?
Infidelity has gotten ahold of many people, and I just have to ask why. Why do men or women want to go with someone else, when they already have someone? Could it be that something isn't just right in the marriage/relationship? Could it be that they think that they can play around and get by with it, and nobody will notice the changes? I know this is a very big question and I really don't think that it gets the answers that we deserve. I figure that it's something different for everyone so there would be many answers to that question. In my case, I honestly never got an answer. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that it wasn't anything in our marriage. He told me that he just didn't know why. I spent so much time wondering and I now know that I will never have my answer. It makes me wonder why there are so many people in "high-paying" positions nowdays getting caught. I also have to wonder why some of these movie star men would want to cheat on some of the beautiful women they have......it's certainly not because of beauty. I think it must be something inside that needs addressing....but no matter what it is, it's not your fault.
Easter came, and Easter went. Lo and behold, I am still here to tell about it. It's not like he used to be really big on Easter anyways. However, after you separate, or divorce, you have to learn how to get through holidays like Easter. Most of the time, children are the ones who suffer on the "Easter scene" because they may be used to having daddy around to help them fetch the eggs hidden out on the lawn, and having someone to share all their Easter candy with. But, in our case, he didn't really participate much on this holiday it really probably wasn't much a loss in our daughter's eyes anyways. How can you learn to get through holidays without him? First of all, you must find a way to bridge that gap of being without him. Learn to make new traditions with your children and family. Do some of the preparations of the holiday with your children, such as decorating the eggs together, preparing the meal that you are going to have together. Building up new memories can be fun !!
Settling for less, being second best is definitely no fun at all. We marry or partner with someone who you love, make the commitment of loving each other, and at that time, we feel like no one or anything in the world can break things apart. We go into a loving, trusting partnership. When infidelity is discovered, we're shown how horrible and wrong things in our marriage/partnership can be. This is something that I never thought would have happened to me. Never in my wildest of dreams would I ever have thought he would have even contenplated cheating on me. I didn't want to even acknowledge his cheating either, so why did I let it go on for so long? Why couldn't I have done more about it? Why would he even think that I would settle for less than his best? These questions I ask because I can now look back and try to see what happened, even though we are no longer together, the pain still exists.
The heartbreak of discovering infidelity hit me badly. I found myself "stuck" in one position and didn't want to do anything about it. So, what if you don't want to do anything? Well, it really all depends on what you really want in life. Do you want to live in a miserable situation where you are second best? Or perhaps, you are thinking that the "other woman" is the one who is second best. Well, I kept telling myself how he must want me because he was coming home to "me" and that must have meant something. I went back and forth on this issue....... I soon discovered that he was spending quite a bit of time with "her" and helping her pay for some of her bills....almost like having another family to support. It was hard, needless to say, because I soon started feeling like he was just with me because I was paying the bills, washing his clothing, making dinner, taking care of the kids and doing all the housework, and yes, I felt like a live-in maid, all the while he was wining, and dining someone else. Now, that didn't feel like I was in first place with him, she was.
"Oh, I am so sorry!" he exclaimed once he knew I had HAD enough of his lies and sneakiness. Those words I can hear over and over in my head, but it doesn't make it feel any better. I suppose if he had meant what he said, and actually made an honest and sincere effort to show me how sorry he was, things might have been different. Why I let it continue for such a long time is a mystery to me.....almost like I was there in body, but not with my mind in tact. I wanted to be with this man so much. It was such a tragedy that he cheated on me, that I just didn't want to face the truth about it. Have you ever just let things drag on and on, just hoping that you didn't see what you thought you saw, or heard what you thought you heard? Infidelity really turned my world upside down...and I am so glad that I am finally out of it.
How do you react when you find something that isn't a daily, normal goings- on in your household? I always got so uptight and upset that I burst out with it all right as soon as I could, without thinking. Using my head, I should have waited for a little bit more to go on, but when I told him that "the other woman" was calling and I knew about it, it only made him get sneakier. I, then, had to play it down for a little while until he thought things were safer, and get sneaky myself about his comings and goings and so forth. Why must we play this nasty little game? I did it for such a long time and the only thing I came out of it with was a very large loss of my precious time. If you have a mate acting differently, changing up his grooming habits, spending less time with you or the family, being more secretive, then beware.....something that doesn't look right, usually isn't. His acting differently is usually a sign to watch out for.
What happens next, if you have discovered infidelity going on in your home? What do you do about it? Do you confront him/her, wait and sit on it a little bit before telling him/her you know, or do you sweep it under the rug and hope that it was all a big mistake? Well, I made the mistake of confronting him way too soon, however, because he made me feel like what I thought I heard or saw wasn't really real. He had a way of twisting things around on me. I didn't like that feeling at all. At another time, I tried sweeping it under the rug, and that didn't help me either. I wanted to make it all go away. But it didn't. How can you confront him/her with phone calls and get an honest answer about it ? That might be impossible, but that doesn't mean that it isn't happening. Keep your eyes and ears open. Normally a man/woman that's cheating become very good at lying but they can't keep it up forever. I found that in my case, when he knew I was asking questions, he became better at his lies.
Infidelity has been around for a very long time. It kind of makes you wonder why a hard learned lesson keeps happening over and over again, almost like no-one has even been hurt or ever learned from their mistakes. When my ex cheated on me, I felt like I was the only one in the world who had been touched by such a horrific act. I didn't think about anyone else going through it, except for what I was going through and how it was affecting me and my children. I think that sometimes we get hurt so badly that our world just stops spinning and nothing else seems to matter. Truth be told, infidelity is nothing new....it's been around as long as forever. What makes someone want to hurt another person so bad and still think it's ok? Have we not learned from our mistakes? I will remember when going into another relationship, that we are all just human, and underneath all the love, there will be mistakes, but honestly, if it ever happens again, I will just have to decide to live my life alone. I hope that I never get to that point.
I don't know where to begin as far as forgiveness. I had heard it time after time those all famous and familiar words "I'm sorry". Why do those words seem to be so easy coming out of his mouth, especially when he knows I am tired of hearing it. If he were truly sorry, then he wouldn't have kept cheating on me over and over again. After the first time and the first "I'm sorry" he should have been sorry enough to try and straighten out this mess he helped to put us in. Where do you start forgiving? How can you just pick up the big mess that he's piled in front of you and just act like things are ok? What can I do to even start the process of forgiving when I 'm hurting so badly?
My mother told me one day, as I was ranting and raving about my soon to be ex, that I would truely never get rid of my him. WHAT? I was stunned, shocked and it blew my mind that she told me that. Oh yes, I will, I thought. However, as such in most cases, moms are mostly right when they say something that they know about. She finally explained it to me. When you have children with a man, even though you and him split up or divorce, you will always have a part of him right there with you because every one of your children have features not only from you, but of him too. They might have his looks, or even some of his habits. Either way, he's still there. Geez, I didn't want to believe her, but every single one of my children has something from their father. Don't you just hate it when they're right?
Oh, this is one of the hardest things in life, well, maybe it's just me, but after being with someone, sharing your life with them, and then to have it all come crashing down on you is life altering. Here is my checklist for reasons to move on past infidelity.
- The past is in the past. You cannot change it no matter how hard you try.
- Remembering CAN be a good thing, but dwelling on it can be disastrous to your health.
- Forgiving can help your body let go of some of the heartaches that infidelity brings.
- It's hard to move on and go forward with your life, if you are still looking back.
- Starting a fresh new start can really help you see that there IS life after infidelity.
- If you have children, they need us to be healthy and strong. Taking care of ourselves helps us to take care of them.