Where Did My Child Support Go?

Once you divorce, or have a separation agreement and are getting a regular child support, it helps, but it doesn't pay all the bills, at least not in our case. We are living on a measly monthly amount, thank goodness I work ! When we got our divorce, my child support gets paid by him mailing in the check to the government, and they, in turn, make record of the payment and forward the money on to me. That works, and everybody's fine with how it's done, however, for the past 3 months, there has been no child support. Granted, we don't get much, because when it was time for the amount he was to pay, I settled for a little less than what he was supposed to pay. I thought that I was being nice to him, since he is self-employed and doesn't always make the same amount each month. However, due to an accident, he was out of work for a little while. Now that he is working again, he is paying his other bills, but nothing for us. How does he think that we are supposed to make ends meet with less money? Money that we are supposed to be given. It takes both parents in this day and age to raise a child, especially with a teenager, things are a quite a bit more expensive. I am now wondering when my next child support payment will be coming in and pondering at the thought of how to proceed with this matter. I just don't understand why he thinks it's ok to pay all his bills and forget about his daughter's needs.

An Easter Without Him

Easter came, and Easter went. Lo and behold, I am still here to tell about it. It's not like he used to be really big on Easter anyways. However, after you separate, or divorce, you have to learn how to get through holidays like Easter. Most of the time, children are the ones who suffer on the "Easter scene" because they may be used to having daddy around to help them fetch the eggs hidden out on the lawn, and having someone to share all their Easter candy with. But, in our case, he didn't really participate much on this holiday it really probably wasn't much a loss in our daughter's eyes anyways. How can you learn to get through holidays without him? First of all, you must find a way to bridge that gap of being without him. Learn to make new traditions with your children and family. Do some of the preparations of the holiday with your children, such as decorating the eggs together, preparing the meal that you are going to have together. Building up new memories can be fun !!

How Do You Start All Over Again?

Starting all over again can be quite scary.....especially if you are so used to being with someone and now have to be on your own. How can I put one foot in front of the other one when I am so caught up in worrying about what he's going to be doing when we are apart? Well, that's the million dollar question and to have an answer, you just cannot be worrying about what's going on once you've separated. Yes, your brain will still be in-tuned to the worrying, at least at the beginning, but you have to now say to yourself: "it's about me, and it's MY turn to think about myself". Hard as it may sound, it can be done. First of all, you will be living a life without him, unless he's the father of your children, of course, so you need to start deciding on how you want to live. Maybe a job or some kind of new project will take up some of that "thinking about him" time. Go back and find out what YOU like to do and do it one step at a time. That's what I have had to do.

How Can I Pay My Bills If He Leaves?

Not only was I afraid of being totally alone ( single with kids), I also worried about finances. How can a woman all alone make it these days? Well, it seems hard, but it CAN be done. First of all, if you haven't been working because you've been a stay-at-home- mom for your kids, I congratulate you!! I've been there, done that and it was wonderful. I did start working again and had my own business so I was able to choose my hours pretty much. If you don't have a job and are facing being on your own, there are several options open for you. Staying with family or a very close friend until you find a good job and get on your feet is one option. Another option would be to ask around to see if someone you know can help get you employed with someone they know. If you already have a job, you must sit down at this point and see your finances and what's got to be paid on paper so you have a better idea of how much you need to bring in to make those bills. At one point in my life, I was told (by him) "oh by the way, I am leaving, and the rent is due next week". I didn't have a job at that time. I had to get out on my own and find one, but luckily, I did. Having too many bills and not enough money to cover them was my greatest fear, but somehow, I made due. Keep your chin up, because it may be tough for awhile, but you can do it!

Are You Afraid Of Being Alone?

Well, to be quite honest, I was very afraid of being alone. Being on my own sounded so wonderful when I was a teen, but once I got married and left home, I became accustomed to being with someone.....having someone there when I needed them. I really wanted to actually pick up the rug, and sweep all of his cheating underneath it so I wouldn't have to deal with it, however, that did NOT happen. I was afraid of having to sleep alone at night, having to lock the doors alone, eating dinner without him near, and hearing the silence in the night. Yes, I had my children, but I wanted to be with an adult. He was someone that I had become accustomed to being with and it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with, the separation and divorce and being alone, on my own. I had never done that, because I got married very young and had never experienced being an adult on my own. What can you do to overcome the fear of being alone? Perhaps if I had built a wall of my family and good friends around me, I would have felt more secure. I could have even moved in with family to help me through the hard times, but I didn't. What are some things that you can do to help yourself through the fear of being alone again?

Memories Of Our Past

After the breakup, comes not only the tears, but the memories. Why do we have to remember so many of the good things that we shared, and somehow push back the hurt we suffered once we have separated ? Maybe I have just supressed those bad things in my mind, so I don't have to re-live them again. But you know, the brain is a very powerful thing and soon again, I will be once again reminded of the hurt I have gone through, especially after he has given me a hard time about something. After a period of time, the tears eventually get fewer and farther in between and memories seem to only come up when I hear one of "our" songs or see something that reminds me of him. I don't want to keep dreadging up the past. It's not good for me, however, it can be good to kind of go back through things and see what happened and kind of sort things out so that the door can be closed peacefully and I can move on. Moving on peacefully will be good for me.

Learning How To "Uncouple"

Learning to be alone again can be a real challenge, especially if you have been with your special someone for a very long time. You must now learn the art of sleeping alone in that big old bed, locking up your home at night, securing everything alone. If you have children, this can be of great comfort,because children can really make your life full, however, if you are totally alone, perhaps you should consider getting a pet to give you a little bit of company. This alone time can be a good thing because it can teach you how to become a little more independent. Friends and family can be so important, also in this time of learning how to uncouple yourself. Go out for lunch with a close friend, or for a coffee. Learn to do something new in your life, perhaps taking up a new hobby. Some even take a college class or two, just to take up some of that alone time. Look up some new recipes and learn how to cook for "one" or join a bowling team.

Why Does He Still Need Me?

He cheated on me, and that tells me that he wants to be with someone else. Either that, or he thought that he could have his cake and eat it too !! He is the one who went looking for "the other woman". He is the one who stepped outside our marriage and being with someone else. He ripped open my very soul, stepped on my heart and yet he wants to still be with me? How could he think that I would accept what he has done? He just wants me to forget about what he did and keep on going on like nothing ever took place, and not only that, it hasn't been a one-time thing, it had been on-going for years. Not only that, but he said that he still needs me. He wants me and I don't understand. Why would he be calling me, asking me to help him out with things he cannot do now that we have split up? Does he not understand that he has hurt me?

Building a "New" Life

A torn apart family can either be a time of sorrow, or a time of new beginnings. Maybe both. Sometimes we have to work through our sorrow in order to start anew. Starting new can be a good thing. Depending on your circumstances, if your partner is the one who wanted "out" of the relationship, and you are starting all over, perhaps thinking about a "new" life can be scarey, but exciting. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. If you do try that, you will find that it just doesn't work most of the time, especially if you do it for your children. Children need to be in a home that's happy, at least most of the time. Children should not be around all that yelling and screaming and arguing, because they are young and innocent. They should not have to get caught up in all of that. So, if you are the one who has to start all over again, take one day at a time. I know how hard it is, because I have been through it. It hurts, but it makes you discover yourself all over again and can also build a stronger you and a stronger parent for your children. I started all over again with nothing, and I know it can be done.

A Family Torn Apart

Agonizing over being apart was hard enough. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't we have worked out our problems, and why were they so hard to deal with anyways? It wasn't like WE had differences or really heavy duty problems. We were getting along just fine, that is until SHE came along in his life and got in between us. That's what happens when one partner steps outside the marriage/relationship and turns to an outsider for comfort, or someone to "understand" them or whatever it is they offer to our mate. We had been getting along fine so I don't know what made him turn to someone else to begin with. I wished it didn't have to be this way, because now we are a family "torn-apart".

Separation

Being separated from the one you love is really hard. Maybe it's your choice to be apart, but then again, maybe it's not what you want. Either way, now is the time for collecting your thoughts. You wonder how you got to this point. If you have children, you also must help them get through this period of time and try to help them understand. Not only that, but you feel lonely,and sometimes your brain just can't seem to shut off all those thoughts inside your head. You wonder what's next? What are you going to do with your life? Heck, is there life when you are separated from your partner? Those questions seem to be hard answered but in time, things will become more clear. Start by taking it one day at a time. Baby steps are really the only way to get pointed in another direction. Don't try making any large decisions while you are so upset. Take time to get to know "you" all over again.