Asking Those Questions Of Why!!!

It seems such a long time ago, but yes, it happened.....the cheating, the lying and the heartache of infidelity. People often ask me how I have managed to get past all of it.  I am here to tell you that the pain of your partner cheating is like no other pain. It's just a different kind of ache. You get married, or in some cases, just get with someone and expect that you will get the respect back that you have given them. After the dating process ends, and the down to earth living life begins, things's supposed to change for the know, the being able to settle down a bit, knowing that THAT other person your'e with has your back. I don't really know why some people cheat, but it happens. Why did my ex-husband cheat on me when I gave him everything that I had? Why did he feel that my love wasn't enough? Why did he feel that he could get by with it and not get caught?  Had I done something to cause this cheating?......NO !  the answer is that I did NOT do anything to cause his cheating. And to be honest, those questions will never be answered.  For a long time I couldn't get past not knowing, but within time, I learned that there were no answers. How does someone get by with no answers?  It's not easy, but it is something that I have had to learn to live with. And I mean, it's hard, but it's do-able. I learned how to take one day at a time. I learned how to put myself first. I learned how to start doing things for myself and to stop looking back so much. Within time, things fade. The hurt will always be in the back of my mind, and the back of my heart, but NOW I feel like there have been many other new things taken it's place. I have learned how to live again, and to love once again. Time heals , but don't dwell on the questions of WHY....learn to start doing things for yourself, for your children if you have them, and start walking forward.  It CAN be done....I know it, because I am living proof.


Anonymous 17762012 said...

Three days ago I learned about my wife's infidelity. As anyone might guess, it's been the worst three days of my life. So far, I have not left. We have two children, so I think I owe it to them to overcome this.

She cheated for approximately one year. Several months, a three month hiatus, and then she went back for more. She estimates she was with him 30 times or so. Each time she was with him I was at home caring for our children. She was either "working late" or at a work outing. I occasionally had suspicions, but I trusted her. I did not ask questions (unless she was really late" or ask her not to work late or attend. It has supposedly been 18 months since the last time they were together.

Our marriage was on the rocks when it happened. We were not good to each other. For this, I have told her I blame myself for the unhappiness but not the cheating. There were issues she never mentioned, so I was not given a chance to make improvements, but I cannot take responsibility for the cheating...especially since I consider it to be excessive/extreme.

I will come to my own conclusion but I am curious. Do you think I should give her a chance or is it too much to forgive?

Please respond. I am in very bad shape. I fel very isolated, angry and depressed. I could use support and human contact.

Debbie said...

dear anonymous,I know what you are going through and believe me,even through you feel alone-- you are not alone. My honest opinion is I think that you need to think things over and decide how YOU feel.Do you love her enough to try and work things out? Do you feel like she is willing to make this work? Is she remorseful for what happened? Is she willing to meet you halfway to helping you to regain your trust back for her by being an open book and hiding NOTHING? Ask those questions and think things through. I am here and check my email every day. Take care and remember, this is a very difficult thing to get through, but it CAN happen...just depends on the both of you because one person working it out will not work.

Anonymous 17762012 said...

As of now I am torn. I told her I will give myself time to get through the initial shock before making a decision. Afterwards, I'll determine if I can live with the pain, deception and disrespect she afforded me.

It has been very difficult the last three days, but also full of love and good will. If I am able, we would like to start fresh. Use this as a springboard to treat each other properly.

Should someone capable of that be trusted again? A big issue for right now is that she's very loving and remorseful right now. After being caught. Before that everything was the same. She didn't feel guilty until she was caught and she continued the lie (the cheating and lying after I received a smoking gun in my inbox) until I caught her. That makes a big difference to me.

Debbie, thank you for your reply. Others, I would love your input. I'm very grateful for your advice.

Anonymous said...

How many details should I inquire about? Can the healing process be complete without knowing everything or are certain things better left unsaid? Unfortunately, my mind doesn't allow me peace either way. If I ask the question, I'm hurt by the answers (since, in my case, most details have been near worst case scenario). If I don't ask the question, I assume the worst anyway. Lse-lose for me.

Is it better to experience all the pain or should I try to lessen the blow given how much I've already gone through? I feel if I do the latter it will come back to haunt me.

Again, all replies and advice are very much appreciated and needed.


Debbie said...

I think that even though I never got all the answers I needed, I WAS able to heal...but healing takes time. You have to finally come to the realization that it wasn't about was about what was lacking in your partner. You should only inquire about what's the most important for you. But, you have to be ready to get answers that you may not want to hear, and then again, sometimes when they answer, it's not always the truth. Also, you must go through the process of being shocked about it, wondering why, feeling hurt and then finally feeling angry....but time is the only thing that can heal you.

Anonymous said...

I am going through something similar. I am one month in from catching them and it is not easier.. Actually harder. I've decided to stay and try and work things out so my advice to you is stay as well but know it is just going to get harder. I don't know if the self esteem will ever come back or the feelings of disrespect go away

Anonymous said...

Anonymous: I feel the same way and I need support. I know exactly how you feel because you cannot talk this stuff with anyone you know and you feel like screaming!! my situation is a little different, but yet so painful. We got married 11 years ago and two weeks before the wedding, she cheated on me with a coworker. The thing is I did not fully find out until last year, and I still can't get over it. We have 4 kids and I think I want to stick to the relationship until my kids get older. All I can think of is revenge. I want to pay her back and I am telling her she should no count on me to be next to her after the kids are old enough to lead their own lives. She tells me she feels awful, she says she loves me with all her heart, specially after learning I am good husband and a great father. I honestly wish I could delete what I know, but that is not an option. There is so much I want to express...this is the first time I am speaking of this issue. I just want to let you know you are not alone and share the pain.