Infidelity and The Holidays

With the holidays here and so much going on, I have found myself so busy with things that I haven't stopped to think about him.....and that's a good thing. My heart still beats hard, thinking about what might have been and the family times we could have been having right now, but I cannot go back. Whenever he does call, which is few and far between these days, he still tells me that he loves me and misses me. I used to let that bother me, almost to the point that I start blaming myself for us not being together, but it was really HIS decision that he wanted the OW and couldn't let her go. I have accepted that now and my life is marching forward.
Cold weather and seeing all the beautiful colored lights everywhere and tons of people shopping all over just seems to make me more excited for a new future.
If you are dealing with infidelity, I hope that you stop long enough to take some time for yourself. Holidays are a very hard time to have to deal with heartache. Take time to do something nice for yourself or if you have children, hold them dear and spend that precious time with them.....holidays can be great, you just have to take the time to enjoy !
I learned a hard lesson years ago about infidelity....... you cannot control what your husband/wife or partner does, you can only control what YOU do about it.


Anonymous said...

Your blog has helped me a lot because I so want to find my way out of this bottomless void of devastation. I found out last week, with unmistakable certainty, that my man of 7 years, the man that I have loved with all my heart, soul and body, was cheating on me, again. He did it 3 years ago too (ahh, really, who knows how many times it was now) but I took him back after he said that it was because we were having problems, it didn't mean anything and he promised monogamy from then on - and I so loved him and so wanted to believe. This time he was with multiple women, online dating, the whole shebang. I caught him in his kitchen Sunday morning with one of the OW and then found explicit e-mails between them (plus a bunch of other women). The evidence is overwhelming and indisputable, but he denies all of it. He says I am misinterpreting the situation. He says he was only "talking" to these women. He says he's sorry it looks bad (note he's not sorry about his actions, only that his actions hurt me). He has a lie for everything. Anyway, I see from your blog and the posts this denial is not at all unusual for serial cheaters. It helps very much to know I'm not crazy, even though he's trying to make me feel that way. You know what really helps though, is that even though it feels like it has everything to do with me, since I'm heartbroken, devastated and realizing that the "relationship" I thought I had with this man was only real to me, (plus now he's starting to talk about how our relationship was having problems WHAT?? The only problem apparently is that, inconveniently for you, I found out you were CHEATING ON ME, jerk, and dumped you once and for all) is knowing that its not me, its not something I did or didn't do, its not something I could control, its all him.

I lie awake in bed most of the night shaking and try hard to get through my days and hold back my tears. I spin between utter loss and hopelessness, the fear of what appears to be a daunting and lonely future and, yes, the endless loop of why? questions and "coulda, shoulda, woulda" scenarios and, of course, finding no answers and no change in history. But I want to hope for a light in the void. I want to hope for a future with someone, someone who is in the same (monogamous)relationship I am. In the meantime, I breath and I put one foot in front of the other.

Debbie said...

I know how you feel and have been EXACTLY where you are as in the feelings. Nothing is more powerful than our feelings, but I promise, that life DOES go on and with time, things will change for you. I only wish the best for you. Take care, and know that there are many of our out here, feeling the same, and wanting to get through it. Try doing little things for yourself, things that you like to do to see if that helps any.

Marry said...

Reading the comments of "Anonymous" brings me inside myself. Where I have been, where I am and where I never want to be again. I have been married 3 times. I am 35. I have been divorced 3 times. All three husbands cheated on me. I have spent many nights trying to figure out what I have done in my life to have such pain inflicted on me by 3 men who promised to God and me that they will always cherish and remain true to me. Then I push myself to realize it is not me. It is them. It is hard to convince myself that it is them, after all, I am the common denominator. I just know I made it through the other two and I am working on this one. It would be much easier if he would stop trying to convince me that it is up to me to forgive and this will make us stronger. Why in the hell should I have to endure sure heartache in order to have a strong relationship? I shouldn't and I wont. I would rather be alone than with someone that cannot be true and faithful to me.

Anonymous said...

I thank all of you for posting with such honesty and strength. I am so grateful to this Blog it has halped me so much in getting through the heartache, the deep pain, of my husband's infidelity. We are separated now for 5 1/2 months and I although he was my husband for 8 years (and my boyfriend for 5 = 14 years!) and I love him and miss him terribly, I too would never want to be with someone who could not be faithful to me. I am so incredibly deeply hurt and torn apart inside and I am so deeply angry at him for ruining us, and so enraged that he is still with the OW, but I take it a day at a time, I pray, I get lots of support from friends, and I read amazing blogs like this one to remind me I am not alone. THANK YOU and I am sending you all love and support to get thru the holidays. Love yourself deeply and thoroughly and be there for yourself. I bought myself flowers today!!!!