My Past Feelings Of Infidelity

Although much time has  passed, I feel as though it's been a true lifetime that I was in this relationship. Gone is my life that was full of stress. I still remember the days when he came home from work, and me quickly going through his phone and writing down numbers and listening to the other women's messages while he was in the shower....and always being in a hurry before he found out. What a horrible time in life that was for me !  I am not the kind of woman who believes that a woman should just go and check her hubby's phone just for the fun of it.... but in my case, there was way too much evidence of his infidelity, and he was telling me that it was all in my head. I felt like I had to defend what I was hearing. I mean, even when the other woman wrote him a love letter, it was proof right in my hand, but he firmly denied it all.
Thinking that you have to prove your point is honestly a very bad place to be in...and I know, first hand, what that all felt like. Some people believe that once you have a small amount of evidence, that that's enough to break apart your marriage, but me, being a firm believer in marriage and true partnership and the fidelity of vows, I felt like I had to have more proof at that time...would I do it all over again?  Well, I probably would have, if it was me having to deal with the same man and his sneakiness. My ex made me feel as though I was losing my mind...and he was good at playing mind games. Having the strength to make my decision to just walk out was one of the hardest things in life I have ever had to do, but today....I am so happy that I finally decided to stand up for myself.
Today my self esteem is back to normal and I feel like a new woman. Never again, will I allow a  man to tear me down to the point that I was back then. It took time....too much time, I feel, but it was all worth it.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your post today. This feels so strange, to be anonymous to the world but have someone who speaks to your heart. I am going through what I suppose is grieving, and hurting so very much. Your post today makes me think that there is hope, and that I can get through this. I am that woman too, the one that checks his computer, his cell phone, his vehicle, whatever i can to prove my gut is right and that I am not insane. I sit here shaking my head at the insanity. I am not this woman. I am suppose to be confident and and capable of anything! How can I let him manipulate me to the point where I question what I know to be true? What is right in front of me and I question it? I also believe in my commitment, but at this point, after what I feel is a comprise of my self worth and respect I have to stay strong and believe in me. Thats a very hard thing when someone has made you doubt yourself so much. All I can say is, thank you for your strength, you are giving me hope.
(wish)

Anonymous said...

Yes,me too! I am six months into discovering my husbands year long affair with his co-worker. Eventhough he's doing everything to earn my forgivness, I still have such an aching heart. I feel so destroyed by his affair. Because of the kids, I can't tell anyone about the pain i am going through. I have to hold it all inside. Sometimes I wish I could just tell him to fuck off! I hate it when he goes on with life as usual because it does not feel that way to me. But I can't hurt my children. He certainly did not think of them or me when he was having his affair. I am doing everything I can to keep it together. I started a blog of my own, so that I can vent because there is no other place for me o go. My site is http://www.betrayedstayathomemom.com. Its crazy that I am a married woman and yet I feel so alone. Rae

Marcelina Hardy said...

I'm so proud of you for getting to this point in your recovery. I, too, have been where you were and it is so relieving to be out of that world. That world is not the world you ever want to go back to but looking back does give you an appreciation for the one you are living now.

I am actually still with my husband. He did a lot of the denying, mind games with me as well. Of course, that is no longer going on and our relationship is completely different and nothing like it ever was... everyone is different though.

Infidelity is the one thing that will change your whole world completely - sometimes you stay with the same person and sometimes you don't - it's everyone's own decision though...as hard as it is.

And for those that are in the world that we have been in - my heart goes out to you.. really, you will get through this - it's not easy, it's horrible but you will come out of this stronger - you really will. I am a relationship coach now specializing in infidelity now because of the strength I have from this... Sorry not intending to commercialize this - I am just reflecting on how far I've come.. Thank you for letting me rant.

debi9kids said...

good for you knowing what you needed.
Infidelity sure does suck and as much as people on the "outside" think they know what it feels like, they have NO idea until they are there.
I never thought I would stay after infidelity, but here I am, still married and I have certainly learned that what works for one, definitely doesn't for the other.
Good luck on this new road you're traveling. I'm sorry for your pain.

Jessica Butts Counseling said...

Getting back your power is one of the most liberating parts of being in a relationship where lying and cheating is going on. Once I found out my husband was actually having an affair I found myself oddly relived. That relief came from getting MY power back. I am now a Therapist helping couples through infidelity and it is so rewarding. Thanks for your blog

Angela Ruth Strong said...

I've been there. What, do you think, causes some men to leave their wives for their mistress and others to try to live the double life? Is it only a matter of time?

Anonymous said...

Hi.thank you for the comforting words.it really inspired me to go with my life.i dont why blog this,im the only male who was cheated by my wife.its been a year now since i found out her infedelity.but now its not the same anymore.it pains me a lot.i dont know if can move on if we separated.i just writing this for your support.

abner fernandez said...

Love it!!
To the point, articulate, and interesting.
Great Site!
Thanks

Anonymous said...

I found out my husband was cheating for sure on Christmas day of last year. He is also an alcoholic. I filed divorce papers against him last summer because I had had enough with the addiction and he had started disappearing from the house for hours, even until the wee hours of the morning. His attitude was horrible. I began finding receipts and debits online that were not in our area of Nashville. He also started getting his American express bill online after I questioned him about a charge at a local restaurant. It turns out the charge was from the night he met "her". I have been through hell this year. I lost 30 or more pounds and my hair fell out so much that I was scared it would all come out. My hair is getting thicker now and I am doing beter. My children are still suffering from it also. We are all in counseling. I am in Celebrate Recovery. He told me he had the affair for emotional support for work, but his drinking has increased greatly since meeting her. CR calls affairs an addiction and I believe it. Women wo call themselves Christians and have affairs with married men are so deceived about the men and themselves too. I received an email from "her" claiming to pray for me during the transition of the divorce.!!!!!Praying for me while she f______s my husband. How desperate is she?????????? I am still struggling with boundaries with him, but am doing better because I do still love him. My self esteem has been crushed and the depression is still huge, but I am better and will continue healing. I refuse to remain the victim here. I have not worked in years since I was a stay-at-home mom. I do have a masters in education and used to teach school, but do not want to return to that field so I am exploring my options. This Christmas will not be wonderful, but it has to be better than last year. Our divorce was final in Sept. He wants to continue running. He has cooled it off with her, but it is not over even though he claims to not be with her. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Such violation!!!! Now I am working on forgiveness to all involved. I have to forgive.

Eva said...

I found out that my parter cheated. However, he came clean about it to me without me having to catch him. I find there's some saving grace in that. I'm struggling with weather or not to leave him. I too am trying to get my self esteem back to normal. How did you do it?

Debbie said...

Dear Eva, it takes alot of time and dedication to be able to work through infidelity...it CAN be done, if both parties are willing to work on it together and your partner must be an open book and not hide anything from you. I wish you all the best..just remember, it takes time

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for giving us women somewhere to vent our pain ! My husband and I have been married for 22 years and 14 months ago I discovered he had been texting other women. Because of this and other issues ( drinking, lying ) he and I were separated for 7 months. During the time of our separation he found a "friend", and kept telling me they were just friends. Four months into our separation, I was trying to get back together, but he acted like he didn't really want to. He told me things like he didn't love me like he used to, didn't know if he wanted me back or not.. but I kept trying. Well, finally we got back together, have been back together for 7 months and just found out from the "friend" via facebook, that they had been lovers while we were separated and that he has had her spare phone the whole time we have been back together !!! And they have slept together since we have been back together. Now my life is full of doubt, checking phone records, checking his car, its awful living like this. He now tells me its over between them, but who can beleive him after all this ? My gut has told me all this was going on, but i was trying and wanting to beleive him. He tells me all he wants is me... wow!! This is just a small fraction of the manipulative things he has done. Thanks for letting me vent !!
Annie

sandeep s chadha said...

Hi Eva,

About your self esteem, I have something to say. In a realtionship, even if a wife is the worst wife in the world, the husband does not have the right to cheat on her. He must divorce her and then start a new relationship. That is simple honest living. Why would he be living with a wife like that anyway. You are not at all responsible for his cheating so don't even think about it like that. Hope this helps.