Is It Lust, or Love?

I wonder why he wanted her so much. Did he actually love the other woman? Or could it have been that he lusted after her and felt like he wanted a good chase? This raised a question in my mind as to whether he kept on having the affair for so long. If it was only lust, than wouldn't he have been with her only a couple of times and then been "done" with her? What kept him chasing after her for such a long time? Did he fall in love with her? That answer was never answered for me. He just refused to answer my questions, only telling me that he loved me. I feel like I never got all the answers that I wanted to know answered. He was hushed-mouthed over the whole affair. I believe that being in love with someone is giving that person everything that you are, giving your whole heart and having trust with them. Love is wanting to please your partner and doing what you can to make them happy. Lust is so different. Lust is about going after something that you can only have for a short while. I don't know if it ever turns into love or not. So many questions, and so few answers.

Thinking About The "Other Woman"

After all, I am a person too. I hurt so much but I still have to keep on with life. Things seem to be at a stand-still sometimes when you are trying to find out if you are really being cheated on. I went through countless incoming phone calls on his cell. I worried myself over each and every single time that he told me that he was on his way home, but was more than the average time for getting home. I spent way too much time thinking about who it was and why they were better than me. I spent too much grief in my life wondering if she was skinnier than me, had prettier hair or perhaps wore more makeup than me. Why did it matter? To me, it was because he married ME, not her. And I wanted to know what made him want her over me. I felt inferior to her, but I shouldn't have. You see, it's not you !!! It's the one who is cheating that has the problem. It's him/her who doesn't see you the way they should see you anymore. They are the ones with the problem. If you have problems in your marriage or relationship, they are supposed to come to you to try and figure out a solution to what-ever it is bothering them. Together as a couple, working things out between you. Not with an outsider. I had to try my best not to let the "other woman" matter to me. It wasn't me after all.

Feeling a Loss

Losing your partner to infidelity is devistating, to say the least. You often feel like you have been abandoned, and you look for answers to why this awful thing has happened to you. Why did you get married in the first place? Only to get hurt like this? Why get married if you are going to have to go through this kind of pain, and a feeling of loss? We get married to have a partner for life, and to have the dream of a home, and family. Those things are so important in life. I think that some cases of infidelity can be forgiven, but the feeling of loss can stick with you for awhile. I think that time has to heal alot of those feelings.

He Hurt Me So Bad And Doesn't Even Care

He doesn't seem to care that he has hurt my feelings, or broken my trust. He wants to just get on with life again and go back to the way things used to be. Yeah, that's right, he wants to just let me go on cooking him dinner, washing his clothes and virtually being his maid while he goes out with the "other woman". Who does he think he is? And Why is he being so ugly to me about all of this? I am NOT the one who hurt him. I didn't cheat on him, not ever. Why does he feel that he can apologize and then get on with life? Does he not have the brains in his head to think about how much I am hurting? Am I not allowed to feel hurt over his infidelity? I sometimes believe that he thinks that I will just get over it and things will eventually settle down and we will go back to the way things were. Well, it's not going to happen here. I have a right to hurt. I have the right to be with someone who really wants to be with me, and who wants to work things out. How about you?

How Can I Hate Him and Love Him At the Same Time?

Oh those emotions of love and hate ! I loved him so much, so much that I loved him with everything and all I had within me. He cheated on me, treated me like dirt and I learned to hate him and what he had become. Why are all of these mixed emotions flowing within me ? Why can't I just get over what he's done? I believe that when we love someone, we love with our whole heart. We give all we have to them. When we get hurt through infidelity, it leaves us very confused. We want to know why or how they can love us, like they say they do, yet still go behind our backs and be with another person. I have a hard time grasping that one, to be honest. My mother always said that actions speak louder than words. Is it true in the case of adultery? What does this say to me?

A Bird in A Cage

Youv'e all heard the saying that you can't keep a bird in a cage if he doesn't want to stay? Well, this also can be the case in a marriage where one partner doesn't want to be there. With infidelity, sometimes your partner begs forgiveness and wants to stay with you. That is one side of things, however, what if he/she wants to be free? What if they don't want things to work out? Honestly, if they do not want to work things out, you cannot try to keep them, because if you do, you are most likely going to put yourself through alot of heartache and worry. Keeping someone only because you want it to work will not do any good. Both people in the relationship must want to be together for it to truly work out well.

Can I Forgive Him?

Can I forgive my partner when he/she cheats on me? I have heard others in the past say that if that happened to them, they would never forgive their partner, only to find later, it happened and they forgave them after all. I believe that when something so hurtful happens in your relationship, you are the only one able to make this final decision. How do you know? I know, because I have lived through this and know that no other person can make this decision for you. Sometimes we stay for our children. This works sometimes and other times not. It all depends on the circumstances of what happened and if your partner is willing to work things out. Are they remorseful enough to help you both together to work this out? Counseling, if needed? The two of you together must decide if you want things to work out. You also need time to heal. A marriage can still succeed if both can work things out successfully, but getting back the trust takes time.

Where Did His Feelings Go?

Where did his feelings go for me? Why did they just suddenly dissapear, or did they? He claimed that he loved me, but I couldn't see how, if he was gallyvanting around with this "other woman". Did he lose sight of the fact that we were supposed to be married til death do us part? That is a question I think alot of us ask when we find ourselves in this situation. I think that perhaps he was looking for a little "excitement" and thought he could find it in someone on the outside of our marriage. If he had only talked to me, maybe we could have worked out a "date" night or perhaps a different routine. He should have talked to me, his partner in marriage before going ouside the marriage to find the answers.

What Does Adultery Show Your Children?

Adultery is something that's supposed to be forbidden in marriage but it's been happening since possibly since the beginning of time. Most of the time, we try and keep that kind of thing hidden from the children, but what happens when they find out? How can we deal with explaining it to them? First of all, it's really an adult matter and in my opinion, children should not have to deal with it. But, if they are older children, teenagers perhaps, and they find out about it, we do need to offer them an explanation so they can kind of try to understand. In my situation, my daughter was way too young to know what happened but my son was a teen, almost an adult and he knew already what was going on. I had to explain to him that even though "dad" was a good hard working man, dedicated to his work, he was not very good at being a "faithful" husband. He must have felt that he needed to be with someone else, even though I was trying my best to make everything right. I had to explain that dad's behavior was not supposed to be how a man treats his wife or a committed relationship. A true healthy relationship is supposed to be a trusted relationship with just the husband and wife. I knew that he understood me some, but in some ways, I felt that he was going to have to grow up a bit more to really grasp what was going on. I felt like I needed to let him know that this was not good because I didn't want him to think it was ok for him to do it since he saw his dad act this way. But no means was this an easy task. I think that talking to children about an adult's infidelity has to be extremely one of the hardest things to talk about.

This Man Left Me Clueless

I wanted my marriage to last. I didn't want to give up. How could I give up a man who had been so kind to me for a very long time? What changed in his temperment, to start showing me his bad side? Perhaps it's because he brought an "outsider" into our marriage. He didn't have any right to do this to me. I didn't do it to him, so why did he see fit to think it was okay? I didn't want to acknowledge that my husband, the man whom I loved so dearly could ever think of hurting me this way. I must have been in a "zombie" state to have let it continue on and not do more about it. Yes, I argued with him, but this was obviously not enough. What else could I have done, without walking out? I was just clueless about the whole situation. I didn't want to face the truth.

Can Your Marriage Be Saved?

Marriage is supposed to last forever, you know, til death do you part. When we marry, we are very optimistic that our future with that special love will last forever. We don't always see that there will be rocky roads ahead because we are so excited about the wedding, the new life it will bring us that we don't always see past that. We don't anticipate a break-up. But what can you do if your marriage is "on the rocks"? What can you do about deep problems that seem like they cannot be resolved? Can your marriage be saved? Well, the answer to that question is between you and your partner. You and your partner both must want the marriage to survive for it to happen. You both must work at identifying the problem and working on a solution together. Seeking counseling or speaking to a member of clergy can often be what's needed to be back on the road to repairing the marriage. Remember, a marriage is built of two people and both must want to stay married for it to work.

Going Through Infidelity and Facing Your Feelings

Going through infidelity with this man sure took it's toll on me. Not only did it make me unsure of myself, but unsure of how I was feeling, thinking and so forth. How could just one person in your life affect you so much? Well, I suppose that truly being in love with this person really made the difference for me. I was brought up to look for the best in everyone and I didn't want to face his cheating. I didn't want to admit that something had gone wrong in our marriage. Nobody wants to feel this way. How can we overcome feeling this way? Well, for me, the first step was admitting to myself that we DID have a problem. There WAS something wrong. I had to admit that to myself and believe it, before I could move on to any kind of healing.

Looking Through The Mirror

Taking a look through the mirror and seeing that "hey, I 'm not so bad!" was something that I always felt about myself. So now, why were things different? Was I not pretty to him anymore? Did he see me in a different light now that he had another woman? I didn't see any changes in myself, other than the fact that I looked more worn down, tired and just downright sad. The mirror pointed out to me all the worrying I had done over this man and his dirty affair. How could this have happened to me so quickly? I was still young. I felt that I was still pretty. Why didn't he feel that way anymore? I needed to do something about it, but what?

I Can't Understand Why He Treated Me Like Nothing

One thing that I could not understand was that once he began his affair, he started treating me like I was nothing. I almost didn't exist in his eyes, except to cater to his every whim. There were times that he didn't show me ANY courtesy when coming home late by giving me a call. He went on about his business as though I wasn't even in the picture. That makes me wonder what he was actually thinking.......actually, he wasn't thinking at all, except about that "other woman". I am sure that when he was late going to see HER, that he called her and was courtesous about it. What makes him think that just because he had her, that he didn't owe me any respect at all? Why wasn't I important anymore? I had such a hard time trying to get past all of this. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but I started feeling like I was just becoming a "nobody".

What If "The Other Woman" Had Something ICKY?

Once I found out the he was cheating on me, I didn't want to face the truth. I was scared, scared alright, right out of my wits. I didn't know what I was going to do about it. I thought about the fact that he was cheating with who knows WHO !!! What kind of person was this "other woman"? Did she have good health, or did he even use protection? That was something major for me to think about. I knew that I was ok as I had gotten a clean bill of health not long before I found out, but now that I knew about his infidelity, thoughts kept racing through my mind. I was fearing that I would have to go back to the Dr. but in reality, I turned out to be fine. But what about the ones who pass other nasty things on ? Keeping a good check on your body and how you feel is super important. Going to the Dr just to make sure all is alright is also very important

Did I Just Waste My Time?

I feel like I have wasted many years of my life with this man. He wanted to get married, and I wanted to wait. I should have listened to that "gut" feeling I had and held off on tying the knot. But no, my heart was willing and anxious to be with this man til death-do-us-part. At first, the marriage was wonderful. I guess that's called the honeymoon phase. But even after that wore down, we were still alright. We had our daughter and about the time that she was 2 yrs old was possibly when things started going downhill. I spent countless days, months, years of my life being a good wife to him. I look at things now, and I wonder if anything could have changed his cheating on me. He didn't cheat on me in the beginning, so what in the world changed things to make him think it was alright to do this to me? It saddens me to think that I just wasted my time on this marriage, even hoping that things would have worked out for us. Did I waste my precious time?

What About Me?

I ask this very important question because I haven't really thought about me. I was always thinking about him. I worried over what dinner I was going to cook for him, making the house look nice "for him" and paying the bills for him. At what time did I take for me? I guess I really didn't, but I should have. Now that I look back, everything that I did for him really wasn't worth my time. It didn't keep him from cheating on me, and it certainly didn't help our marriage any. Hind site is pretty important, I only wished I could have seen it before it got here.

When Families Break Apart

When we get married, we have children, hoping that our marriages will last forever, til death do us part, and then comes having children. We have our children, watch them grow, nurture them until they are able to become responsible adults, and even when they do, we still watch after them as they have their own families and go on with life. But, what happens when our marriages break apart? What happens to our families and our children? Starting over, is indeed one of the hardest things in life to have to do. We become so used to being married and having a partner to help us with the good times and bad, that we suddenly have to find our way on our own. How can we make it on our own? What if you don't have a job to support yourself? What if you don't have any money? Those questions are very important and need answers. Finding a family member, or a trusted friend can indeed help you with those answers. Look for help, either from a clergy, or great sites like the one at http://divorce360.com

The Other Woman Must Be His Priority Now.....

I guess now that we are apart, the other woman must be his highest priority now. He still has not called or come over to see our daughter. It's been more than a month. Our daughter is growing into such a lovely young woman, but she still longs to hear from and see her father. He is missing out on a very special daughter. I don't understand why he cannot take a few minutes out of his day to at least call her. Maybe the "other woman" is more important in his life, I don't know, but it's very sad.

A Holiday He Missed With Our Daughter

Getting through the Thanksgiving Holiday turned out to be pretty alright indeed. I went through my normal routine, kids all come back home except for one, and dinner went well. My only gripe is, that my daughter's dad (my ex) didn't even call her once. No phone call to see how she was enjoying the holiday, and to top all that off, she tried calling him many different times during the past 7 days that she has been off from school with no answer from him, only his answering machine. I felt so bad for her because even though he was rotten to me, and to "us" as a family, she still loves him, and rightly so, it's her dad. I kept reminding her that he might have been busy, or maybe he would call her back, but she got nothing. No amount of words from me will ever make this up, and even though it's just a phone call, he is only 10 minutes away and he really has no excuse for not visiting or calling. What a lovely daughter he is missing out on !!!

Living Through Those Old Holiday Memories

Here it is, Thanksgiving and all my grown kids and grandkids are gathering to have a big feast tomorrow at my house. This really brings back memories of years ago when we gathered together and things were good. Although I have moved on with life, memories are still there, in my mind, letting them relive them. I don't know why it's so hard to get past "special" holidays like this. It could be perhaps that we still have connections, I mean, as far as our child. I know that he will not come and see her or call her tomorrow, like he should and this really rags on my heart, but there's nothing I can do about it because I have learned while going through this infidelity, that you CANNOT control what anyone else does. Sad, but true. Once I accepted that, I believe it was easier for me to move on.

When Your Heart Speaks

Sometimes your head speaks to you and deals you common sense, but your heart takes over. Oh, and when that happens, you fall hard and fast. Perhaps that's the reason why I went back to him after he cheated on me. I wanted to believe that he was going to "change" as he promised. I wanted a life with him and my kids, to be a family. Sometimes a woman has a "gut" feeling. I felt like I should have stayed away, but my heart kept pounding steadily for him, day after day. I thought that maybe after the separation of 8 or 9 months apart would make him want me more. It did, at first, but what happened after that?

Why Couldn't I Get Over Him?

After we divorced, the time I spent away from him was good for me. I learned how to live a "new" life. I learned how to settle down a bit. I didn't have to wait until he was in the shower to check his cell phone calls that had come in. I didn't have to go running outside to check inside of his work truck to see if there was loads of cash stashed away in his secret hiding places. I learned how to relax and take it easy some. So, why after having such a much more life of "ease" did I get back with him? I wasn't having to worry about his cheating anymore. I was free. I think that my problem was I left so quickly, that I didn't really have time to work through my problems with him. I didn't face what I had to face with him, leaving me only to wonder about what was going on while we were apart, when I shouldn't have even worried. I loved him and I really did have a hard time getting over him, even though he hurt me so much. I really can't explain why.

Oh Those Memories Kept Flooding Back...

If it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me while we were married, but again when we got back together later. I went through such a hard time the first time, but when we split up, I ran for the hills honey, and I mean that when I found him coming out of "her" apartment after he had been in there for way too long, I immediately found myself packing because it devistated me horribly. During the 8-9 months that we were split up, we did go through a divorce and it was hard. I didn't want to divorce him. I just wanted the hurt to go away. I found myself thinking about him while we were apart. I would hear songs on the radio and think about some of the "good" memories. I found myself daydreaming about how he would wear a certain shirt or say something korky to me. I think that after we go through something so hurtful with our spouse, after the hurt and maddness goes away, there are times that we find ourselves thinking about what was good in the relationship. Did I forget about how much he hurt me? To be honest, no, I didn't forget, but I wanted to forgive and try again to see if there was anything that could have been done differently. At that time, I don't know what I was thinking, because he ended up cheating on me again. Where was my brain?

Why Do They Think It Won't Hurt?

Why does he/she think that it won't hurt you if you never find out? Well, because most of the time, they feel as though they can get by with it, without your knowledge, but most of the time, we do eventually find out. "What they don't know, won't hurt them" is the sentence that I have heard many of times. What a load of crock ! What happens when we do find out? Alot of times the adulterer gets caught up in the fact that they are having way too much fun to even think about the consequences of us finding out later. Oh how I wished that he would have thought about things before he got involved with "her". The past almost always comes back at us in the future. I wished that he would have thought about "us", our family and our future before he decided to be with "her".

Sifting Through the Cell Phone Calls

When I finally got tired of trying to find out who the new "other woman" was, I got very bold. I got brave. Boy I tell you, I was darned right mad. She happened to call one day on his cell phone and left him another message. This time she was asking him to stop and pick her up a cheeseburger before he came over. Even though I was getting bold, she was getting bolder. She was finally having the nerve to leave him messages on his cell phone, the same phone he conducted for business. And the funny thing was, I was the one on his answering machine. He wanted it that way. Trying to figure out whose voice was on the machine about drove me crazy. Why did it have to happen? Why does a man, who has everything, want to put his family in jeapady, knowing that I would eventually find out?

Have You Had Enough?

When do you know that you've had enough? That honestly depends on you totally. Some people go on for a very long time, trying to actually find out if their mate was REALLY cheating, like I did. Some cannot take it very long and get out of the relationship quickly, bing-bang-boom !!! So, how do you know when it's time to leave, or try to work things out? The ultimate decision is yours. It also depends upon how your mate is acting. Does he/she want to try to work your marriage out? Are they willing to go to counseling? Are they actually showing a sign of remorse for their actions? If so, sometimes things can be worked out, providing they honestly show that they want to make it work. If they want to just do as my ex-husband did, and throw it over their shoulders and move on because it's over between them and the other woman, then things will be very hard to keep it together. For me, I had had enough of "oh, I am so sorry, it won't happen again" over and over to the point that I couldn't believe him anymore. I can say that I honestly tried. But the decision is yours to make and no one can tell you when it's time to go. sometimes talking to someone can help open your eyes a bit.

How Can I Get This Man to Quit Cheating?

No matter what was going on in our lives while he was cheating, nothing was right. There could be no peace in our house or amongst ourselves period. No matter how much I cried, pleaded or downright begged, he was not going to stop his behavior. What can we do to stop the cheating? To be honest with you, you cannot do anything about it alone. The behavior coming from the cheater can only be corrected by them. They have the WANT to stop cheating. They have to WANT to be with you only. How can we get them to this point? Actually, you cannot make that choice for them. They must want to seek help for themselves. When I actually told him that I was not going to be with him anymore because of his cheating, only then, was he willing to try and work things out. Was he actually willing to go to a marriage counselor, or a minister to talk things out? In my case, he only wanted me to throw it over my shoulder and forget about it. How sad I was to hear this.

Can You Stand On Your Own Two Feet?

I questioned myself over and over wondering if I would be able to stand on my own two feet. It's hard out there in this great big world. Women can make good money but they still don't earn as much as men do. You must also factor in the reality that most women have custody of the children most of the time and child support doesn't cover much. I know for a fact that clothing a teenager these days can be downright tough. How can you make it on your own? Well, it's not simple, but it is possible. Believe me, getting or having a job that's good is very important here. Starting over is hard......but it can be done. Believe in yourself.

Losing a Part of Myself

My oldest son came down to visit me yesterday and we had such a great visit. Everyone who met him commented on how much fun he was. He was so full of jokes, laughter and you could really call him the "life of the party". I saw in him how much he was like me and was proud to let everyone know that he took all his silly and goofiness from me. After he left, life settled back down to the normal and as I went in to work this morning, something happened. I then realized that I was no longer the same person that he knew me to be. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat in a moment of silence and thought about it to myself. "What has happened to me?" As the tears rolled down my face, I realized that I was no longer the happy-go-lucky gal that I used to be. "Where did I go?" I felt like all the years of unhappiness had taken away ME !!! I sat there wishing that I could have some of ME back again. I don't have the joy that I once felt in life. Could all of the worrying about his infidelity have taken so much from me? To be honest about it, I know now that it did. I feel sad about it. I let this cheating man, whom I loved dearly, squash all of my happiness in life out of me. I let him take away something I had had all of my life, my joy, and that was a part of my personality. I know that getting older also has it's effects on changes in your life, but I lost something that I didn't even realize that I had lost. I shouldn't have let his cheating rob me of ME....... if you are dealing with infidelity in your life, please take care not to lose a big part of yourself. You need to take care of YOU.

Loving a Partner That Cheats

Loving someone comes straight from the heart. There's no doubt about that. How can we turn off our love when someone cheats on us? Of course, when we find out we become sad, and angry and we have all of these emotions coming all together and it really gets us feeling out of wack. What can we do about loving someone who cheats on us? That's when we must take a step back, pause for a moment and try and figure out what the rest of our world is going to bring. There are no guarantees in life that he/she is going to want to work things out and be faithful forever afterwards, and then again, what if we don't want to work it out? Those are some questions that really take time for us to think about and answer. I really think that it takes time to heal, time to decide what comes next, and finally, you must take time to think things over.

Are All Men Created Equal?

I pose upon the question: are all men created equal? Do all men believe that they are allowed to have other women? I don't think so. I do believe that there are warm, loving and faithful men out in this world somewhere. I hear in the news so often of one partner or the other cheating and it's just not fair. When we get married or are in a committed relationship, we are supposed to cling to each other, and no one else. When did this extramarital affair thing started happening? Well, according to some very old-timers, it's been going on even back in their day, but you just didn't hear about it like you do in today's times. How can you be sure that your partner will never cheat? That is something I would like to know. Seems that even celebrities cheat on even the most beautiful-looking partners....that should tell you something. It's not you. It's them.

Why Does This Have to Be So Hard?

This is a golden question.......why does this have to be so hard? I really went through alot of bad times with him, and it should be easier to get over, but it's not. Looking back, I found myself crying and wondering way more than I should have. I spent way too much time "going through" infidelity and his cheating on me. I wished that I would have looked for other ways to get through it. Maybe I just loved him too much and to be honest, I was afraid to be alone. I didn't want to be alone. I was raised up with the notions that I was to be married, have kids and there were no divorces, or very rare ones. Maybe I was sticking to what I had been taught. Today, I sit here and I reflect upon all that I have been through with this man, and I can now see, that I should have done things a little different. I should have been strong enough to walk away, but I had such a hard time of it. It's very difficult looking at your own situation, especially in this one, because you have so much hope that things will get better. If you are still struggling, now is the time to find some strength. Talk to someone who will listen. It really does help.

Questions about Working Things Out

I have been through so many different phases of life with man and yet, I still ponder upon the questions that have no answers. Why can't he give me anything concrete? I asked him about these other women and I got nothing. Sometimes I felt as though he was trying to make me feel like I was just dreaming it all happened, but it wasn't a dream.......it was more like a nightmare. Was he so tired of lying and trying to find suitable answers for me, that he just couldn't think up anything else and therefore remained silent? This did not work for me and he wasn't willing to help me get through the grieving process of it all. I have been told by many, that if they really and honestly want to work through this infidelity, that they should do whatever it takes, even being patient through the whole process of questions and crying. He was not willing to do that. He wanted me to get over it, and forget it all. Forgiving is one thing, and boy is that a hard thing to do, but forgetting was another thing. The mind cannot forget easily, especially when you have had to deal with the problems for such a long period of time. How can we get around this hard period of time? I mean, some of us just want out, but others want to try to work things out. How can we trust again? It's all a matter of BOTH parties wanting to make it work and really trying toward that goal. If they say they want things to work out, but they don't try, what does that say?

Finding Help

In the midst of trying to figure out where to turn when infidelity is turning your world upside down, I wanted to give you a few links that might give some comfort
I found a very good site at http://survivinginfidelity.com that states they are a safe place to share your pain. This might be a place that you can go to to share your pain with others who are also going through the same thing as you. I have also found http://infidelityandbeyond.com
which could give you some reading about infidelity as well. Lastly, http://fidelity911.com
might also be a site you could take a look at. I know that when we are in pain, it's important to share with someone else how you are feeling. I know oh so well.

No "thankyou", Only Heartache

Although I post signs for infidelity and how to spot it, it's not always easy. I did not see too many signs in the beginning or perhaps I just didn't want to see any signs. I didn't want to face the obvious, what was right in my face, "the other woman". Nobody wants to face the fact that they are not the "only" woman in their man's life. Other than his own mother, of course, but you know what I mean. I didn't want to even think that he was out gallivanting around with someone else while I was taking care of the kids, cooking, washing the laundry and even washing his clothes for him, while he was out having a good time. I felt since I was doing all the family "chores" that he should have owed me some gratitude. Where was my "thankyou" for putting up with everything that he had put me through all these years? I didn't get a thanks, or any part of gratitude when it came to putting up with everything that he had put me through......all I got was him being a cheater. That really put me into a bad mood....heck, it made my whole world fall apart.

Examining the Signs of Infidelity

I have listed below the signs of infidelity, and I am sure there are other signs that you can look for, but really, I didn't notice that many of those signs. My most noticeable sign was his being sneaky. Acutally the more that I calle attention to certain things that I found questionable, the more he sneakier he became. The "other woman's" phone calls were coming in from her work number and when I called attention to it, they became "private" calls. That put me further and further away from finding out what was going on. When I told him that I saw that she was calling from her work, I believed him when he told me that she was the one who was bothering him and that he was not talking to her at all. After that, the work number did not show up. I was so curious why things changed and to be honest, it was right in front of my nose. It was him. He was the one telling her about my questions and that made them going into hiding more. I was so involved in trying to find out, that I just did things without thinking them out first. I wished that some of those things that I did, I could have done differently. I am shuttered by the fact that I took so much of my precious time out to delve into the matter, but really, what do you do when you are so in love with your partner and find out that they are cheating? It is terribly devistating, to say the least. I should have examined the signs of infidelity a little closer perhaps, but would it have done me any good? Possibly not.

Signs of Infidelity

There are signs that can help you find out if you are being cheated on, but keep in mind, even though your partner may do some of these, it doesn't always mean that he/she's cheating.
1. Different Grooming Habits
2. Sneakiness or Secretive Behavior
3. Day to day behavior change
4. Defensive about being late, or being evasive with answers
5. Having a new "favorite" shirt, cologne or other personal item suddenly
6. Withdrawing from you
7. Difference in sexual behavior

Now, just to explain a bit, "different grooming habits" whether it be a new haircut, shaving more often, or maybe him paying more detail to his grooming than he normally does.
"Sneakiness or secretive" as in hiding the cell phone, pager, credit card bills, or maybe him/her suddenly washing their own clothes when they normally never have.
"Day to day behavior changes" such as mood changes, him/her changing their daily routine, suddenly out of his/her normal patterns
"Defensive" about being late and not telling you ahead of time about coming in late, or perhaps making it a habit day after day, not giving you any answers why he is late, or lying about why he is coming in late.
"Having a new shirt or cologne" as a new favorite all of a sudden. Buying a new set of clothing or wanting to completely change his way of dressing.
"Withdrawing from you" as if he/she is just not as interested as he/she used to be
"Difference in sexual behavior" like wanting to try something new after many years of the same pattern.
These are some of the signs that you can look for. Let me say though, that not all of these signs may be visible to you because when you are in a relationship, you don't always "SEE" these signs, even though they may be right there in your face. My man was an excellent liar and he always primped in front of the mirror, so I couldn't see anything different with my situation. He was always kind of a sneaky man so I had no clue there either. He had his times of withdrawing because he wasn't always the best "family" man or husband, so there, nothing was different for me. The only things that I noticed were some differences in sexual behavior and being evasive about when I questioned him. He just totally would NOT answer me. Whenever I questioned him about another woman, he became even more sneakier. I will say this though, if they are cheating, eventually they will slip up enough and get caught, especially if you do not call their attention to it.

Why Couldn't I See Before?

I was having a great time with my children. I was getting to know "me" and that felt so wonderful. Why couldn't I see this before? Why did it take so long for me to finally move out of the one spot that I had been stuck in for such a long time? I honestly can say that I loved him. I wanted so much for things to work. We had a child together and she loved her daddy with everything that she had. She was too young to see what he was doing to hurt me, but I know that she knew that something wasn't right. He wasn't really much into doing family things so when we went and did our 4-H thing, it was perfectly normal. He wasn't interested in her wanting a horse, learning about a horse or anything in between. I wanted to give her something that she could learn, and she excelled in it. I wanted to see her follow a dream that she'd had for a very long time. Making myself separate from the drama of his infidelity was great. It made me feel stronger. The only thing was though, I still loved him and even though he hurt me more than words can say, I knew that one day, I would still have to deal with it.

Time Spent Without So Much Worry

Our daughter was going on with life normally, making fairly good grades at school, coming home and riding her bike. She also developed a want for a horse. Geez, this was not a good time to want something so gigantic, much less it was something that I just could not afford at the time. I found our local 4-H and we joined a group for horses. They were a wonderful group, and taught my daughter not only how to ride, and barrel race. but horse care too. I found this time with my daughter to be very calming. We spent alot of time together not only with 4-H activities, but riding horses and practicing technique on the weekends. Although we didn't have our own horse,we borrowed horses from the 4-h group, and this gave my daughter a chance to learn something that she really took interest in. We volunteered at Christmas time wrapping presents and doing the 4-H thing and it really took my mind off my problems at home. This time was so very important though because I needed to find myself. I needed to spend much needed time with my daughter. Not only that, I had a chance to separate my problems from him. This helped me more than I can actually say.

Getting Away From All The Drama

And once again, I became a stronger woman. I stuck to my plan, giving him the cold shoulder, yet still being decent towards him, letting him get the idea that I was done playing his games. He continued to try everything that he could to smile at me while passing me in the hallway. I know that this all sounds childish and perhaps totally ridiculous but I had to stop and take a break from all the drama that he was putting in my life and I had to find a calm place to land. To be honest here, this time in my life was good, because I took some time to separate myself from him and his "other woman", well, the woman that I knew he had but him refusing to admit existed. I continued my quest. .... grocery shopping alone, cooking dinner and feeding the kids and I, while letting him come in and fix his own plate of food. I found things around the house that needed to get done, since I had neglected to do it while all the crying was going on. I found some time to find ME again.

Trying to Make a Difference In My Life

After much ado, about a very important issue, I took a stand. I felt like I was not going to get anywhere just hiding beneath the cracks and being stepped upon by some other woman. Honestly, that's how I felt. How could he give her the upper hand over me, especially since he was living with me? If he wanted to be with her so much, why didn't he just pack his bags and leave? That was a million dollar question. For one, he had way too many things in the garage to move once again. He didn't like change. He just wanted to go on and on this way, doing as he pleased. I HAD to do something......but what could I have done to make a big impact on this whole ordeal we were going through? I didn't want the other woman to chase me out of my own home though. I had to think on this awhile, and while I did, I decided to give him "the cold shoulder" for awhile. It was hard at first because he thought I was going to give in right away. I got up in the mornings, made my kids breakfast and tending to my own business. He was floored. He did not like this at all, but I had to stick with it to see if it was going to get me anywhere. I hated having to go through this. I felt like a teenager in high school again, planning out my next move.

Looking Through Our Children's Eyes

Seeing myself torn up over his cheating was bad enough, but how did my children see me? Looking through my children's eyes, they probably saw things a whole lot clearer than I did. Children are very smart and they sense when there's a problem, even if they don't know what the problem is. My son was in high school and he could see that I was going crazy trying to wonder where his dad was all the time. I tried not to show how worried I was about him not coming home early or being here very much but as much as I tried to hide it, he could still see that there were problems. I surely didn't want to alert my children about our troubles, but they knew something wasn't right. My hubby came in and out as he pleased, and he was doing as he pleased. He was showing my children that it was OKAY to treat me like this, but it really was NOT okay. I felt trapped by the fact that I was trying so hard to cover our problems from the kids, yet trying to hang to what I had left of a marriage, which really wasn't much, especially since he had someone else. I felt like on one end, I had to be nice and happy to show my kids that things were ok, but deep down inside, my heart was crying. Looking through children's eyes, they can see when you are sad. Many times, you don't stop to realize that, but they know when mom's not the same as she was. How do you make things ok for the children?

The Ups and Downs of Adultery

For as many times that I had been cheated on, the ups and downs were really crazy. There were times that I felt like I was crazy, in fact. I wanted to find out all that I could. As a matter of fact, I found myself doing things that I normally wouldn't have done. Looking at the numbers of his cell phone, writing them down and even calling a few of those numbers drove me nuts. I would never have done this, if I hadn't been so desperate. I have heard in the news of many a woman that did some really crazy things when she found out about a cheating husband. So, does this make us "temporarily" crazy? That makes me wonder. Some women can find out about her hubby's affair and can just move on, and others cannot. For me, it was like a time bomb. I wanted to confront "the other woman" and I wanted to know the whens, whys and all the answers in between. How do you get past this feeling? I know for me, it took years. I even think that I carry it around with me sometimes....other times, I just blank it out of my mind. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how they have handled a cheating spouse? If so, I would love comments, and maybe we can use those comments to help others who are going through this.

Why Do I Love Him So Much?

Once I decided to persue my goal in finding out who this new "other woman" was, I kept at it with fury. I would answer his business phone at any oportunity that I had. I was what you would call a "good secretary". I had hopes that once she heard me answering instead of him, that she would back off. Why would I be so crazy to keep trying? Was I just chasing this man when I shouldn't have? Well, I know now that I shouldn't have wasted my time, but I have to tell you, honestly, he was my love. Oh, my heart wanted this man so much, and I really don't know why. Why was I so in love with someone who was hurting me? And on top of it all, he didn't seem to care that I was hurt. Why couldn't I just drop him like a hot potatoe? I guess it was a matter of the heart. My head was telling me to move on, but my heart was firmly attached. What do you do about loving someone so completely? How can you move on, when you are scared to face the world alone? That was a hard thing for me.....maybe that's why I stayed so long.

Don't Blame Yourself For Your Partner's Cheating

How do you stop "beating yourself up" over being cheated on? I will be the first one to tell you, it hurts like nothing else. You go over and over in your mind so many questions about why, how, and who, that you might even start to doubt yourself. You question yourself so much and you wonder if it's your fault. Sometimes your spouse will even tell you that it IS your fault, but to be honest, it's NOT. You are responsible for your actions and he is responsible for his. You didn't drag him out and make him go with someone else. You didn't tell him to be sneaking around, and you certainly didn't tell him to make sneaking phone calls or spend all his time with someone else. So, why, do you ask, did this happen to you? Well, this is happening to many people right now and it's also something that YOU did not do. Do not take the blame for your partner's cheating. It is something within themselves that made them do this. Seek someone to talk to about this, someone that you trust and will help you to see that it's not your fault. Just having someone to listen to you helps so much more than you know. Lastly, do not accept the blame for what another person does.

Oh How Those Tears Flow So Quickly

I had been through so much with this man. He was supposed to be my "knight in shining armour". my "hunny-bunn", my everything. I married this man with the intentions of being with him for the rest of my life. I actually did not marry him for quite awhile after we dated. I just wanted to be sure before I jumped in for "til death do us part" and I never expected to see the day coming when I "wasn't" his everything. My tears came out so quickly, so much so, that I thought that I was going to create a new river. My heart had ached at all that he had put me through. So, why did I stay? Was it for a hope and a promise of things getting better? Did I rationalize in my mind that he would actually care enough to love me and be true to me? I don't know. Perhaps it was just me, hanging on to the fact that we did have a family and we had been together for a very long time. I cried so much over his infidelity that I thought that I would never be the same again. I felt like I would never ever be happy again.

The Blame Rested Upon His Shoulders

So, do I stand up and fight for my man? Or was it useless and time to move on? I had been through so much with this man, that I couldn't hardly stand the sight of him. But why did I love him so? I tended to look at myself for blame, when in fact, the real blame rested upon his shoulders. I can honestly say that I had been a good housewife....I worked, paid my share of the bills for the house and utilities, I took care of our daughter, kept the laundry and house clean, and was always there for him when he needed me. I can't understand why this had to keep happening over and over again. It HAD to be something within him. So, if he wanted to be with me, then why couldn't he just do that? Was I missing something here, or would we never be together again?

What Possesses A Man To Have Another Woman?

This is a question that I often wonder about. You see in the news how many celebrities cheat on their partner, and it's something that I don't understand. They might be "with" a very beautiful partner and they go out with someone else behind their back? It's not about beauty, that's for sure, but it really makes me curious. What is so interesting to a man to have more than one woman? Do they go out an seek someone else totally opposite of their spouse? Why would they need to have someone else? Or could it be that they find chasing someone --new a big challenge? Does the cheating and staying together make for a stronger marriage? In my opinion, the answer is no. I believe that once trust is taken away, it's extremely hard to trust all over again. However, there can be forgivness of a spouse's cheating, but it's never easy to forget about it.

Is There Hope For Infidelity Recovery?

I know that my hearing a different woman's voice on his cell phone message, that this was not any customer by any means. This was another "other woman". It had to be. There was no denying it, although he did, once again. I should have gotten used to his lies, and stories, but I wanted so much to work things out "for the sake of our family". However, what good was he to our family when he was out running around? This was not good situation to be in. I found http://www.squidoo.com/infidelityrecovery/ which seems to be a site that might have some help for those who have gone through this or may be going through it now. No matter how much I wanted to keep my family together, knowing that my man was a cheater was hard for me. How did I keep on hoping for the best?

Who Was This Other Woman????

Another voice meant another woman. There would be NO way that a customer would call about needing money. I tried my best to stay calm after the call and on the trip back home from my daughter's house. I was about to get to the bottom of this, but it would take some time. Geez, I wondered what else life had in store for me. I got back home and didn't feel well. I wanted to know what else he was pulling behind my back. Of course, there was money hidden in his van once again. I was outraged and we got into a tremendous argument. I could never win though, because he always had an explanation for everything. He thought he was sneaky and the more I questioned the sneakier he became. I HAD to find out who this was because I just knew it was not the same other woman. This was a relationship that I knew was not going to make it because I just couldn't take it any more. I had no where to turn. My mother and dad lived about 1100 miles away, as did the rest of my family. I had a couple of friends, but they had their own problems. I had to figure out what my future would be, but I had to find out who "she" was. . . . and it was getting the better of me.

Another Message, But Different Voice

One day, we decided to go and visit my daughter, who was about 6 hours away. I was in shock because he never went many places with me. Wow, he was giving in to what I wanted, for a change. He seemed to be at ease, perhaps knowing that I was trying to move on with life, and he settled down some, keeping more to his work than ever. "Could this man really love me like he said he did?" Was this the miracle I was waiting for? I don't know, but we got to my daughter's house and the visit went well. I can't tell you how much he seemed to be relaxed. One night, before we were about to turn in for the night, a phone call came in on his cell. We didn't answer it in time, but there was a message, and as I started to listen, my stomach turned into knots. I so hoped that our troubles were over. The message was from a different lady. She had a very sweet and high pitched voice, much different than "the other woman". "Hey, I need 32.59 to pay a bill." was what the message said. What the HECK was this all about? I let him listen and he made no facial expressions to give him away, and all he said was " I don't know who that is", maybe it's a wrong number. What do you think? She made no call of his name, or anything else. Just needing money. I wanted to dismiss it, but just couldn't.

Trying To Move On Past His Infidelity

Here I was, feeling like I had been through the mud and back, trying to pick myself up and get on with life. As a little more time passed, things were starting to get better. I wanted to breathe that sigh of relief. No more phone calls coming in from "her". Wow, it had to take a really large incident to happen for him to open his eyes about her. So, could we now go on? Well, we did, for a little while. I was not able to trust, I was not able to keep wondering what all had happened. To be honest, this was just plain hard to deal with.

Was I "HIS" second best?

As time went on, things settled down alot, at least for a little while. The "other woman" was no longer in the picture because she had opened a credit card using his social security and then didn't pay the bill, causing his credit to take a dive and he was mad. Even though I helped him get this credit blunder corrected, I secretly, under my breath, was glad that something happened to stop all of this. I wanted him to feel betrayed by her, so he would then see how much he hurt me. It was maybe that thing they call " what comes around goes around". But to be truthful, that wasn't going to make him love me more. He professed his love all along, but there was no way, in MY eyes that he could love me if he was cheating on me. With no more calls from the other woman coming in, or even when they were, they were not answered, I started to relax a little bit and tried to go on with my life. I still felt rejected, and like I was second best. How could I have let a man do this to me? This was a question that I struggled hard about.

Can You Move On After The Affair?

Can you move on after that special someone has cheated on you? Oh, I wanted so much to move on. You get with this special person to spend the rest of your life with, have a family with, grow old with, and share your ups and downs. You depend upon him. Your heart gets in really deep. So, what happens when you find out about an affair? You hurt. Your heart grieves for what you have lost. Your heart wants to go on, but it's hard. Sometimes you have a battle with your head and your heart. What can you do about it? That's not so easy to answer. You can find a way to help yourself though. There are great helps out there to help you find your way. One person who really helped me was an old friend of my family. He became a minister, but not only that, he was a listener. He was someone who coached me into seeing the good and the bad. http://FrankFrancis.com was a great help source for me. Some people also choose to find the help through a family member or a close friend. Another site that helped me was http://ivillage.com. This site has a section of forums for women who have issues with a cheating spouse. Whatever you do, please take time to think about what you want in your future and don't make your choice too quickly.

Time To Heal

I wanted to be with him, but honestly, I couldn't make him love me. He told me that he did, but he wasn't showing it. Although he was mad at "the other woman" and wasn't answering her calls, that really didn't mean that he loved me again, at least like he should have. They say that time heals wounds, but I felt like time wasn't healing mine. Maybe it's because once I tried healing, he cheated again so quickly that I didn't have any time to heal. How can you heal when it happens over again? I felt like he was wanting to move on, but he wasn't understanding the concept of me needing time to heal.

Why Did I Think I Needed Him?

Oh, the thought of just having a chance to put "us" back together was something that I wanted. I lived through good times and bad times with this man. What was so appealing about him? Why did I think that I needed to be with him? Well, let me see here, first of all, we had love, or maybe it was just me. Secondly, we had a daughter together. Maybe I was glued, attached or cemented to him. I really don't know what the appeal was all about. He was a very nice looking man, and he took care of himself. He was a hard working man. But when I looked at the flip side of the coin, he was sneaky, a liar, definetly not much of a family man, and most of all, he was a cheat. Boy, I sound harsh here, don't I ? Was this a man that I was going to stay with? Even though he was mad at "the other woman" for messing up his credit, that didn't mean that he really wanted to be with me.

He Turned to Me.....Finally

Time moved on for us, and we seemed to be trying to get things back into order. He didn't want to admit that this other woman had anything to do with messing up his credit, but once the paperwork came in with proof, he was upset and angry, of course. He turned to me more at this time, as much as I wanted him to, but it was not for the right reasons. This man wanted his credit fixed and I knew how to get it done. I wanted so much for him to want me because HE wanted ME, not because he wanted me to do something for him. But in all honesty, it felt good to be needed and wanted again. I was surely grasping for straws here. Was there a glimmer of hope in my future?

Can You Really Teach An "Old Dog" New Tricks?

Can you really teach an old dog something new? I was sure hoping so. Not to call him an "old dog" but I am only implying that he was my partner, my spouse, my other half and we had been together for quite a long time. He and I knew each other so well, or so I thought. He was not a young man, actually he was 40 plus. He was no baby by any means. He should have already gotten his running around over and done with. Now, the other woman was calling him like crazy. He was not answering any of her calls, at least when I checked his phone, they were unanswered. I was hoping for a blessing. Who was I , to think that I could teach him to want to be with only me? I wanted him to learn how to be happy with me, just me and our family, and not turn to anyone else. Was I asking for a miracle here? Yes, to be honest with you, maybe I was reaching a bit too far. I wanted him to learn how to be happy without having someone extra in his life.

The Other Woman Made a Big Boo-Boo?

As the days passed, he grew tired and weary... him? what about me? I was tired of this whole situation. After the fraud department sent us living proof that she was the one who signed his name for a credit card and used HIS social security, he had proof pudding right there in his hands. He was upset with her and from what I understood, vowed not to speak to her again, after all, SHE did mess up his credit. I had to go behind the whole mess and "fix" everything. I had to set up fraud protection and get it taken off his credit report. You probably wonder why I just didn't let him suffer with the consequences. Well, the answer was simple. As much as I wanted to get back at him, I knew that some of my credit and his was mixed and I didn't want the bad stuff touching MY good credit so I had to do what I could to get the mess cleaned up. Yes, the private calls were rolling in and he was ignoring them. Wow, was this a blessing in disguise?

Too Much To Ask For....

Little ole me? Asking him to give her up? Sure, it was a stretch, but why would he? Maybe he thought that he could have us both? I think not !!! It was a horrible thing to think....but yet, I didn't seem to have any control over it....or did I ? I didn't think so, but to be quite honest, I could have controlled MY side of things. I could have walked out of the situation.....but just couldn't pick up my things and run AGAIN. I had already done that once and I didn't want to do it again. Why did he make things so hard for "us"? Was there an "us" anymore? I pondered in my head what my next move would be and just found myself so upset that I couldn't do anything....anything but cry, of course. He was my love. He was my daughter's daddy. I was so upset and confused over all of this mess that I was trying to find myself. I guess it was too much to ask for, him giving up the other woman.

The Other Woman Still Had a Hold On HIM

Why did the other woman have to have such hatred that she would go out and mess up his credit? She probably thought that this would make him go over there and see her more to try and find out WHY she did this. Guess what? There were many more phone calls. So much so, that one day, he stayed on the phone with her for a very long time. He came home angry, upset and didn't want to talk about it. He only wanted my help in fixing it. Would this finally make her go away? Oh how I wished so.

The OTher Woman's Scorn

Maybe it was just me. I didn't want to believe that this was happening again. And you know what? It was with the SAME woman. One day we went to check his credit and there was something on there that he didn't put there. We found out it was her that did it. She was mad about the fact that he was still back with me and she wanted to punish him. She took out a credit card in his name, using his social as well. She let a yearly fee be charged and then didn't pay it. She let it go so far that it went to collections. I was the one who had to "fix" it. At first, he didn't want to believe it was her. I called the necessary channels, and we got evidence in the mail that it was her that signed. He became VERY angry over what she did. Would the phone calls then stop? Unfortunately not.

The Evidence of Private Phone Calls Right In My Face

Why do I have to suffer so much anguish with this man? Private calls were coming in again on his cellular. I got so used to checking his cell phone when he would go and shower. That wasn't a good feeling at all. I hated having to sneak around looking at the calls. It drove me nuts. Why couldn't I have just been able to push it aside in my head and act like things were alright? I wished that I could have turned what they call "a blind eye" to what was going on, but I just couldn't. This wasn't right. And he might have thought that "what I didn't know won't hurt me" but this didn't apply either. How could he think that I wouldn't pick up on these "private calls"? Or when the phone rings and rings 5 or 6 6times in a row, hanging up after so many rings ? Isn't this a warning signal that something is not right? What about the letters? If this wasn't evidence, then what was it?

Questioning our relationship

My real true love was slipping through my fingers. How could this have happened to me? I wanted "us". Why was this intruder known as "the other woman" coming into our lives? More importantly, why couldn't he have expressed what was wrong and come to me, instead of someone else? I would have at least known what was going on in his mind. I would have known what was wrong and tried to fix it, but I didn't even have a clue. This man was such a good man at heart. He helped others, he was courteous and kind, but he often became angry with me. Although he never raised his voice, he soon began saying "ugly" and "horrible" things. Why couldn't he have trusted enough in me, or in our relationship to turn to me and help ME? No, instead, he was "helping" the "other woman" because , well, I just really don't know, but perhaps he felt sorry for her. He should have felt sorry for me, for what he put me through. I so wished that things would have been different, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't change anything. Don't you sometimes wonder why things happened the way they did?

How Do You Tell The Children Or What?

What do you tell the children? I guess it depends alot on their age and maturity level. I didn't want to tell her ugly things to make her upset. After all, it was HER dad. Kids love their parents no matter what. How did I tell her about her dad's cheating? Well, to be honest, she was not old enough to understand what infidelity was. I had to tell her that her dad and I were not getting along and had some differences, but up until this date, she did not know what cheating was or anything about it. When they are grown up enough to understand, then you have to approach the subject carefully because they do not want to believe the worst in their other parent. I wanted my daughter to still love her dad, even though he not only cheated on me, but on "our " family happiness. Be gentle in your words. Explain things in a way that they might be able to understand, and make sure they know that it's nothing that "THEY" did. Although my daughter is a young teen, and understands more of what happened, she now knows that what he did was wrong, but she still loves him and wants him in her life. I, too, want him involved with our daughter. I understand this oh so well, having gone through my own parent's divorce while being young. No matter how upset or mad you are, please be gentle with your explaining to your children. Keep your grown up problems to yourselves. Children are precious and innocent and deserve to believe the best in both of their parents.

What Can We Do About Change?

Life is hard, having to go through infidelity. We marry or get with another person to spend our lives together, sharing with that other person. Things can go along great for awhile. Then something happens....but what is it? How do you know when things are changing? Well, you don't always know that, especially if your lives become really crazy busy. What about when children start coming along and there are more obligations to attend to than just "you and him"? Oh, let me tell you, sometimes life gets going along ever so quickly that it blindsides you. Work is hard, coming home exhausted, our lives get busy and wow! the next thing you know, your routines get in an uproar and there you have it--- change. When things start changing, we don't always stop and address the issues. Maybe we should. Maybe we need to keep a closer eye on things. I wish I knew the answers here. I thought that things in my marriage were going great. I mean, after all, I was working, keeping up with all the housework, the cooking and the laundry. I was taking care of "our" children and he should be happy, right? I was even making special time for "us". What in the world happened to us?

To Believe or Not To Believe

Since the "other woman" had begun getting more braver with letters and more phone calls, I still didn't want to believe that it was HIM. I wanted to give him the "benefit of the doubt". I felt that perhaps it was her chasing after him since he supposedly told her that he wanted to be with me and our family again. Perhaps she just couldn't give it up? Could she be a stalker do you think? No, I think I knew better, in the back of my mind. So much activity going on, and here I was, waiting to "catch" him. But there wasn't going to be any catching because he was not going to allow me to find anything out. With only phone calls and letters, he still wanted me to believe that it wasn't him. It was her and she was "crazy"

What about "Us"?

With the "other woman" becoming more confident of herself, I grew more and more insecure. I don't like feeling like that, but I felt like I was put into a position that I had to defend myself, and everything that I knew about our family being together. Didn't it mean anything to him that we were a family? For me, family is everything. Why couldn't he see that he was putting "us" in jepardy? Didn't he care that I would find out about her calling him again and leave again like I did before? Was this fun and games for him? Oh, I know, perhaps it was challenging for him. He must have thought that living on the edge was entertaining. Geez, I couldn't believe that I was going through this once again !!!

The Other Woman Becoming Bolder

As time went on, the other woman started calling his cell phone more. I would check to see and sometimes he would answer and other times he wouldn't. He was the type of man who didn't like to be bothered. He didn't like problems and he didn't like to call people back. He never once had a phone call going to her.....not even on the bill. Believe me, I did check that. I felt like I had to, to try and find out what was going on, because I could never get any answers. He was a sneaky man for sure. Then, one day, the other woman left him a message. "call me, my love. Be careful coming over here so SHE doesn't find out". Oh my. That was a bold message alright. This was to the point of getting ridiculous now.

What About The Children?

I would really like to know what possessed him to think that he could have his cake and eat it too? What about the kids? This was an extremely important question in my mind. Do I stay with him so that the children could have a dad? My kids, to be quite honest, were very happy. Even my grown children who would come with their children to visit were happy. I had picked out a wonderfully older home with plenty of space, so when they came, there was plenty of room to stay. He was always working, so he was in and out a bunch. The kids were happy in the fact that they were going to school with all of their friends, and the location of our house was good too. There was plenty of room for bike riding and the grocery store was within seeing distance so it was a quick drive as well. Sometimes when you are going through many ups and downs, you don't always see anything but what you are going through. I had to be very watchful because not only was I having to go through his infidelity, I had to go to work as well.....I had to cook, I had to wash clothes, I had to tend to my children, school stuff and manage all of his books on his business. I had to make sure that everything got done, even though I was trying to deal with infidelity but still I wanted to know why didn't he think about our family first?

Another Letter From " The Other Woman"

Not only was she calling, she wrote him another letter that told him of undying love, and how she would never give up on him. She told him that I came to her house but she didn't answer the door. Aw!!! She was actually home when I went to her house. She wrote to him as though he was feeling "stuck" with me. What?? I didn't understand. HE was the one who begged and begged me to come back. So why was she stating in her letter for him to just hold on and bear it out because she would NEVER go with another man and she would wait for however long it took for him to come back to her. I couldn't understand what was going on here. Was he feeding her a line too or was he planning on going back to her? She wanted him to try and keep me calm and unsuspecting so he could still be with her. What posesses a man to carry on this way? This was a question I will never have an answer to.

Why was the other woman persuing my man?

Well, I soon discovered WHY the other woman wasn't leaving us alone in peace. I racked my brain and couldn't come up with an answer. The answer was staring me right in the face. How could I have missed it? You want to know WHY? The reason that she kept calling and persuing him was because HE gave her reason to. He must have been calling her, but not from his cell phone. Not from the house phone either. Listen, this man is a really smart cookie. I suppose that the more suspicious I got, the more secretive he became. My mother was right in the fact that he must have been given her some kind of reason to keep calling. What was this man thinking? We had a young daughter. We were trying to raise a family and he was STILL carrying on with the other woman. My heart sank into my stomach. How could he do this to our family? And WHY?

My Trip to the OTHER woman's house

I called the numbers and of course, got the run-around. I happened to find out where she lived because of the letter she wrote him and one day, I decided to go over there. What in the heck was I thinking? The truth be told, I wasn't thinking. I was one desperate woman. I wanted to confront her, in a nice way, and find out why she was not leaving us in peace. I wanted to plead with her to leave us alone. So, I went there. I couldn't tell if she was home or not, because she didn't drive, didn't own a car and her work was right around the corner from her house. This was about a 20 or 22 min drive from my own house, but still close enough. I was going to ask her to please quit calling. I mean, we had a family and I couldn't understand why she didn't respect that.

When you go snooping for something........

I wanted to protect "our family" so much that I got desperate. I started checking the cell phone when he would go to take his shower, which was often because sometimes he would come in from a job and shower, so it was happening like 3 times a day. I would write down calls coming in and then I would look at the calls made out. He rarely made any calls out. Now, I got into such a habit of this, I was good at it, but it became such a ritual for me that it was almost like something I did in my normal routine of things during the day. I really shouldn't have done this. I hated doing this. All it did was take up MY time. Did I find anything? I found lots of numbers, and I found numbers once again from her work location. I went looking for something and I found it. Oh, I wished that I hadn't have. I was mad at myself for snooping for one, and mad once again that she was calling him again. But why? Couldn't she just leave us in peace?

Phone Calls

Wierd phone call, such a strange message to leave someone. Maybe it's for someone else? I thought to myself, maybe it was a wrong number. Anybody can make the mistake of dialing wrong. OH how I wanted to be right. There wasn't anything else I could do. The rest of the visit at my daughter's house went well and we came back home without any further incidents. Life carried on as normal. Once again, I noticed a few private calls came through but they showed not answered. Hum, was she trying to reach him again? Will she never give up? What was it that she had that made her keep trying? I tried not to let it bother me, because the calls were not answered. But deep down inside me, I was troubled. What would happen if she called him again and the next time he picked up the phone?

What a wierd phone call......

Things went on day by day, he staying busy with his business and I kept on doing what I needed to, working, cooking and such. One day I needed to go and visit my grown daughter and it was about a 6 hour drive. I didn't want to go alone which I did most the time and asked him to take a break and go with me. Much to my suprise, he said yes. We left, making the trip up and that went well. When we got there, we were all caught up in the business of visiting. I went to the extra room to get something and I just so happened to try and use my phone but couldn't as the phone was not getting any antenna....so I used his. I also saw that he had a message and he knew I had his phone and I normally checked business calls anyways because I was the one who wrote down all the messages. He didn't like writing down phone numbers and stuff so I naturally did this. Much to my dismay I heard a message that was very disturbing. There was a lady on the message that said "I need to borrow money to pay the water bill". She also want on to say how much it was and for him to call her back. No name. No number. I let him listen to it, and he told me that he had no idea who it was. I was miffed...upset and couldn't say anything because I didn't have a clue as to where it came from or from who. He offered me nothing.

Cheaters

What was I thinking? I have heard that old saying"once a cheater, always a cheater" but that may not necessarily always be true. I believe that people can make mistakes. I wanted so much in my heart to believe that he was sorry for his mistake and that he truly wanted our family back together again. When I found that he had money hidden in his vehicle, that THAT was a bad sign. The hiding and deceit. Not only was there money in his van, but fancy men's cologne. I was taken aback by all of this and I started wondering what else I was going to find. I didn't want to look for anything...I had already found enough. I wanted things to stop. I wanted things to be right. I only wanted the man to love me for who I was and for me to be all that he wanted in life.

Trying to make things work

Now, while all of this was going on, I still had kids at home. I wanted so badly to try and keep our family together, after all, we already divorced a couple years earlier, and I kept thinking " maybe IF I had done THIS one way or maybe if I hadn't done that" then maybe he would not have cheated on me in the first place. I wanted to try things again, and I wanted to put our family back together again. My kids wanted that so much....and that is why I wanted to give it another try. I didn't know that after he cheated the first time while we were married, that he would do it again after we got BACK together. Geez, what was I thinking? And then to start finding money that he was hiding...that was something else.

What's a Girl to Think?

As time went on, I found silly reasons to get inside his van... my curiosity had gotten the better of me I'm afraid. Well, I am only human here. He was hiding money and I wanted to know if it was still happening. Sure enough, it was. Sometimes there would be lots of money, sometimes not. Now, just in case you are wondering, he's wasn't a smoker, and he quit drinking a long time ago. This man was extremely picky about what he ate, so what was going on? I look to see what else is there, in plain view.....and guess what I found? I found men's colognes... not only 1 bottle, but 2. One was very cheap, like from the dollar store and then I found a more expensive one. I hated to question him about it, so one day when he had me get something out of the van for him, I asked him where did it come from.....and to my suprize, he answered me. It was from a client. What do you think about that? A nearly $50 cologne came from a client. Why would a client, even a regular one, give him such an expensive gift?

Hiding Things

So, if he is hiding money in his van, that makes me curious as to what else is he hiding from me.. and to tell you the truth, I didn't even know. He has a right to have money to spend, but what is all this extra money doing hiding in his van, and what is it's purpose? You know, this hiding attitude really does make someone even more curious and suspicious than ever before. IF he doesn't have anything to hide, then he should hide nothing. This sneaky behaviour had me thinking about the past and what was going on. I wondered if there was more to it and if I should go looking again... I didn't want to but he had my curiosity peeked to the highest level here.

Hidden money

So, when you ask those questions and get no answers I guess it means that they don't want to deal with you or with what's going on. To this very day, I still don't know why he was hiding money in his van. And this became frequent as time went on. He did not allow me to ride in the van with him very often. We always had to go places (which was rare we went together) in my car. There were times that I had to get into the van, and I found money stuck in all kinds of places. What was this for? I STILL got no answers. Sounds a little funny to me, that there would be $20's and $100's stuck in various hidden places in his vehicle.

Coming up against a Brick Wall for Answers

What do you do when you come to a "stand-still"? I asked, and got no answers. Why would this man be hiding a hundred dollar bill in his truck? What was it for? He always told me that he didn't like money and that it was evil...ok?? I didn't want his spending money, because I had money of my own. I worked full time and made enough money so I didn't need his, but I did need him to help with paying the bills. We were both paying half of everything, but it always seemed like I ended up paying more than he did. Especially since I bought all the groceries too. What can you do when you are not getting any answers? I tell you, it made me so angry. I was frustrated to not get anything. Oh, well, I got alot of "I don't knows and I forgot". Hitting that brick wall was one of the hardest things about trying to talk things out. There was no talking in this case.

A Discovery in our old Van

The credit reports were all squeaky clean, except for this one particular credit card.....one that he SUPPOSEDLY opened up while we were together. I again questioned him about it and he told me that he did NOT open up that card. So, where did it come from? I was puzzled. I wanted to believe him but it was hard. Anyways, as far as getting that van, he did. He had to come home early that day and clean out the old one, as he was trading it in. Things went well with the transactions. We drove away from there with the newer one. It sure was pretty. However, the next day, while I was at work, he called me. Wow, he doesn't call often, unless he wants me to do something for him, so I surely knew something was up. Sure enough, it was. He told me that I had to call the dealership up and tell them that he forgot something out of the old van. So, we went up there--an hour drive one way, to get this "something" out of the old van. I was wondering what could it be? Well, he would not tell me what it was, until we got there. Much to my suprize, he started taking the front piece of the floor off, in the middle of the seats, and he pulled out a $100. bill. Oh my goodness. I was wondering what was going on here. Had he been hiding money from me? Money that we needed to pay bills, to buy groceries and to keep the household running? I was very upset. I questioned him and he told me that he just forgot that he left it there. I was very hurt, and of course, he wasn't talking.

Working things out

I never could get settled enough to finally feel at ease. I shouldn't have had to worry so much. But I did. I was back to trying to do what I could to make things go easy. One day, I was looking at vans online because his van was very old and he was needing a newer one for his business. He was not able to do this online because he didn't know anything about computers for one, and for two, he spoke English, but not very well. To be quite honest, he could speak English, but didn't like to, and since he didn't try as hard, he wasn't as fluent as he should have been. Anyways, I found this really beautiful van that he could use for work. I showed it to him and he liked it. So, I started the process of setting up the paperwork. In the midst of all of this, his credit had to be checked out, so I helped him with this. He had wonderful credit, but what??? what was this? He had credit with an account that I knew that he didn't have before. And it was showing late......actually no payment on it at all? I, of course, asked him about it, and he had no clue nor had he applied for it. So, what was going on here?

Keeping an eye out on my cheating man

So, things went on like this for awhile. I continued to work, take care of the kids, took care of his business and kept a watchful eye out for anything out of the ordinary. I watched for when he came home and would go out into the garage ever so often to see what he was doing, trying to make it seem like I was interested in what he was doing, when I was really trying to find out if he was guilty of something. We seemed to get along alright. So, did this make me feel like things were going to settle down? yes, for a time I felt some relief. I still stayed on guard for anything to happen though.

Continuing on

Maybe he just wanted me to try again and since I was trying, he was confident that he could do as he pleased. Well, one thing about him coming home and staying in the garage was that I knew where he was. That was one good thing. I didn't trust him, I'm sorry to have to say, because he had put me through so much over the years. I wonder what happened. Where did our love and trust go? And why was this happening to us? There are so many people in this world that get married and stay married. Why did I have to have so much trouble ? Maybe I did something to deserve this? No, I don't think so, but it sure felt like it.

Different Behavior

Besides being so obvious, he really was acting strange. Yes, it's nice to shower when dirty, but 3 times a day? It was getting past the stage of ridiculous. He was pouring on the cologne each time and I started wondering why this was all necessary. He was a proud man. He was such a hard working man, and most of the time, he preferred working than relaxing. He would come in, and not let me know he was home, unless I just so happened to look out the window and see his van at home and he would stay in the garage, working. It was almost like he was trying to avoid me. But why? He was the one who kept begging me to forgive him. So, why was he acting like he was avoiding me? This was certainly strange behavior on his part for sure.

Living With An Adulterer

This lasted for a couple of months, at least everything was quiet. I was relieved that finally there was peace. I was able to go to work and not have to be crying at the drop of a hat. I was able to go to the grocery store in peace, however, I felt like HE was more demanding of me. He wanted me to buy special foods "just for him" that the rest of our family didn't eat. He wanted to come home and stay out in the garage until it was bedtime. He got to where he was coming and going in the house several times a day. He was also showering SEVERAL times a day....saying that he was sweaty from the job he just completed. He worked for himself, and I am the one who got his business started up for him and I knew that he had alot of customers, but this coming in and out and showering so much was starting to peak my curiosity. Why was he doing this?

Putting a Relationship back together

So, being a very forgiving soul, I tried to put things back together again. Yes, things were going alright for awhile. I was still so leary, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But to my suprize, things did get better. Work went on as normal, and our daily routine seemed to go alright. All the while, I still worried and wondered about what happened in our past. I wanted to know details, but didn't want them that much. I wanted to feel wanted again. I wanted to be loved and not have to compete with anyone else. How long would this last?

Forgiving

He was begging and pleading with me to as he said "it's over with, why can't you just forget about it?" oh, such classic words. It made me so mad when he said that. There wasn't any way that I COULD just forget about it. How are you supposed to do that? That was something simple for him to say. And he was serious about it. I tried very hard to be forgiving, but forget? Ha, that was another story. I felt stronger and finally decided to "forgive" him once again, after all, I had not actually seen them together but yes, I had more than enough evidence.

Another Try?

Time went by, but it felt like it had gone on forever. Things were starting to improve, or so I thought. I was carrying on with real life and he was trying to make things go back the way they were. I wanted to be a family again, but I was scared. Well, I just didn't want to break up AGAIN, because we had already done that. I still had a teen at home and we also had our daughter with us and we were just living together. Sure, he had been my husband for many years and we were divorced, but we were back together again. Why couldn't this work? I wanted it so desperately. So, one day, I thought that maybe since things had calmed down, we could try it again. I was very unsure about all of this because of the infidelity but I figured that since I had been through councelling, I would be a stronger person. I was stronger, but I was also weary of all that we had been through.

The Other Woman

Finding myself was the best thing for me in all of this. I was still hurting and lonely because I was by myself. Sure, the kids were there, but I was sleeping alone. My heart was torn apart. I wanted so much to find that other woman and confront her. What good would that do for me? I was spending countless hours divulging myself in questions about her and what she looked like and what she was all about. I shouldn't have worried or wondered, but I am only human. Of course I wanted to know the intrigue of this other woman. I wanted to know what she had that was so much better than me. My journey continued on....I was trying to give myself time to come back down to earth. I wanted peace. I wanted love. Why was this so hard to find?

Finding "me"

So, the burning question here is "How can a person love you and cheat on you at the same time?" That is the question that probably will never get answered. Or you might here the "I don't know" answer, which doesn't help at all. If I could dig deep enough to hear a productive answer, one that might help me see what was wrong with "US" then I could try and correct whatever it was. All I got was nothing. I was still getting the denial. What a treat, here I was, moved out of our bedroom and he was still denying everything. I used this time to strengthen myself. I needed to feel like a worthwhile person. I needed to feel loved and needed. I spent this time trying to find "me" again. And it was well worth the time, believe me. I got my hair done, started watching what I was eating, taking long bubble baths, and just trying to take care of myself....but it was NOT for him. It was for me. And it was a much needed break for me in all of this.

Getting help

As time went on, things were still hard on me. I still couldn't get those private phone calls and letters to him out of my mind. And then to find out, HE was the one ratting me out by telling her that I was on to her calls. For the short while I was moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room, things calmed down alot. I was starting to think that maybe things would get better. I started to "work" on myself. I needed to take care of ME. I got into some counseling sessions to try and help me figure things out. "Was I going crazy here or what? And why was "I" the one who needed help? I was not the one cheating. I was not getting private calls." Honestly, the counseling helped me to HEAR myself. I was NOT going crazy and the private phone calls WERE from someone real. I was not imagining all of those hang up calls and the letters that came in WERE for him, addressed to him and they meant something. Having someone to HEAR what I said was so important for me. I still had the burning question inside of me asking "Why would he or could he do this to US?"

Answers?

Why can't we have a partnership as beautiful as this perfect flower? It has a beautiful blend of colors, just like a partnership/marriage has a blend of our temperments and differences..it has a vibrant color, just like the vibrancy that's supposed to be in a relationship. It is open like we should be with our partner, and it is so lovely. Why does going through infidelity have to be so hard? Why can't we have a more open-ness and talk about things? If there's a problem with our partner, why can't we talk things out to make things better? Why does there have to be another person involved? I seek the answers to these questions.

Do you ever wonder why?......

that you spend so much time consumed in WONDERING? I just couldn't help myself. I wanted facts, or did I ? I wanted to know what was so appealing of the "other woman".
Why was she so wonderful? What did she have that made her better than me? Did she do things that I didn't do? Oh, the thoughts went on and on. It is just enough to drive one crazy with the wondering. I felt like I was always going in circles wondering. And then, I have to stop and ask myself, why was I spending so much time wondering. I guess I spent so much time on it, was because it was something unknown. It's a mystery almost as to why someone could "love" you so much and then go out behind you and hurt you so much. I mean, if you are with someone, and you are meeting all of their needs, and things seem to be going along ok,or even great, why is there a need for another person to interfere with that? What does that other person bring to your relationship, other than heartache and pain?

Wondering about the cheating

I don't know why I spent so much time consumed in this. I was a good woman, and I catered to him like crazy. Nothing worked. Nothing I did was able to stop the cheating. I also wondered about the other woman. The first one I caught him with, well, actually, they were coming out of her apt. That didn't PROVE anything beyond the shadow of a doubt. But she was not what I would call a beauty. She was not skinny. So, what was it about her that made him want to be with her instead of me? Oh, I wanted to know the answers. I even asked him and all I got was pure denial of his infidelity. He was not guilty, so he said.

wishing and hoping

Day by day, time went on, and I had to face him and I knew in the back of my mind that he was cheating on me. He still denied it. Oh, I had so many things go through my head. I wanted to buy one of those gpa and put it in his truck, but heck, they were just coming out at the time and I could not afford something like that. I even thought about buying a small tape recorder and sticking it under his van seat.. no, that wouldn't work either. What could I do to find out? I still questioned myself as to whether I was just thinking wrong or was he really guilty? I wondered why I was spending so much time and energy on this....well, it was because I was in love with this man and I wanted things to be alright again. Wishful thinking

Dealing with my partner

Now, you are probably asking "why would I only move out of the bedroom and not out of the house?" however, I felt like I had no choice. He was NOT going to move out again especially since this was our second time together, and I couldn't afford to move out on my own. Sure, I made good money, but I had 2 kids to still support, and since we had gotten a divorce back several years ago, he was still obligated to pay child support and I knew that this was not enough to live on, even with my jobs. This was tough as I had to see him daily and at first he thought it was a joke. He would see me and smile really big and tell me hi, and this made matters worse. What do you do with a partner who doesn't acknowledge there's a problem?

Getting Brave

I was getting brave. I got online, I called my dear family friend, who was also a great counselor. He gave me some questions for thought: "what did I want in life? Is this the life I want? Is this my future? What do I want in a relationship?" He made me see that things weren't right. If there's nothing to hide, then you don't hide nothing. So, phone calls shouldn't be coming in marked private. The forum on ivillage also had some very strong support for me as well. This was not the life that I wanted. This was not fair at all. So, what did I do? I moved myself out of our bedroom and into a spare bedroom. And as you can guess, it wasn't easy.

Facing what was happening

Talking to an old friend of my family was so helpful to me. I was so desperate for someone other than my parents to "hear my story". I felt like the world had stopped and nothing else was going on in it. Yes, the daily business of life always takes first place, but I had stopped wanting to go out and enjoy the very things that I loved to do. I didn't attend any more movies, not much shopping and things just felt like they stopped for me. I was wanting to tell my happenings to someone to get their opinion. I wasn't ready for anyone to tell me exactly WHAT to do, but I wanted someone to at least hear me, someone to make me feel like I wasn't alone in this. Believe it or not, I even went on Ivillage and joined the forum there and annonymously talked to the others who were going through this. Oh boy, this made me feel like I had others to back me up in this. I had to soon realize that I was NOT crazy.. there really was someone on the other line of his phone. There really were hang-up calls. I had to face what was right in my face. It hurt so much.

Talking to someone

So what do you do in this type of situation? First of all, when you are going through this, you feel like there's nothing that you can do. For me, it was like going round in circles. I kept seeing what I called was "evidence" but I never actually ever saw him with anybody. I never ever heard him talking to "the other woman". In my mind, I knew he was guilty, but inside of myself I kept thinking that since I didn't actually CATCH him then maybe he really wasn't guilty......yes, I know that sounds silly of me or rather nieve, but I am the kind of person who wants to believe the best in my mate. After all, we had been together for a very long time. Don't you think that after you are with someone for such a long time, that you should know them by then? What about giving him the benefit-of-doubt? Well, that's what I was doing but it just wasn't working for me. Something had to give here, as I was growing tired of all the "antics" he was putting me through. I had to search for answers. I was very lucky that I had my parents, although they lived 1100 miles away, THANK GOD for telephones. Do you have someone who you can trust? Someone that you can talk to? This is one thing that I honestly belive will help.

My man was the snitch

What happened to all the exact hour phone calls? They stopped immediately. Wow, what a relief. But I didn't really get the relief that I wanted. Private calls started in again. And another letter through the mail. Mom was right about one thing.....he MUST have been contributing something toward her or she wouldn't be calling so much. It turned out that HE was my snitch. He was reporting back to her that I was on his back about the calls and THAT'S why she stopped. She must have been afraid that I would call her job. Actually, I did try that but since she worked at a factory, I only got workers and they acted like they didn't know what I was talking about. My own partner was the one who was stopping the calls, but not because he told her to quit, it was because he told her that I was becoming more and more suspicious. What a crock....I felt so angry. He would never ever admit that anything was going on. He still denied phone calls even though they were right there in my face. What's new?

Too many phone calls

Mom was right indeed. When I was growing up, I always found that mom was right most of the time, so why was this time any different? Well, it wasn't different this time. She was right. I would get brave enough to tell him that SOME woman was calling and it was a set pattern to it, and I wanted to know what was going on. I became downright demanding at times because I was so tired of it all. He was still denying it all. I asked him "WHY would she be calling so many times a day, IF he wasn't calling her back?" He tried to make me think that it was all her and she was chasing him. Then one day, the calls just stopped. Wow, that was a miracle. What happened?