What About the What If's

Today I look back and I see so many things that could have been...but isn't that what we all say at one time or another? What if?  Yes, what if's are great if they really did the trick, but what is done, is done....gone and never more to happen. We cannot go back and re-live the what ifs, and I know this because I have tried to do it. The first time that I left my husband, right after seeing him with the other woman, and being shocked by the fact that he had been in her place just way too entirely long, coming out of her house brushing his messed up hair. After being away from him for nearly 7 or 8 months I started with the "what ifs"  and I convinced myself that maybe I had left in such a hurry that my mind was playing tricks on me...maybe I hadn't actually seen what I did....and I returned back to him...in the hopes that we could try all over again. I allowed him to make his apologies...I didn't get what I was expecting.  Sure, I got the "I'm sorry" but after the initial small period of time passed, he no longer wanted to talk about it...he didn't want to work at our marriage. He assured me that all was well, and I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to allow it to happen again...BUT IT DID !   I was helpless. I thought that IF I went back to him, maybe I could do whatever it took, to make him want me and only me....but my what if's were in vain.  I thought if I returned, that we could start all over and I would do everything that I thought I wasn't doing right the first time and that things would change....he would not cheat on me again.... I was wrong. After that short brief time of his showing his "sorry", it went back to the same old thing.  The only difference was that I was the one trying, and he was not interested anymore in working with me. I was supposed to forget about it and move on.  Well, my question of what if was answered. For me, and for our marriage, it wasn't good. I cried, stomped, screamed and tried everything that I could. Why did I have to wonder "what if".... but I think it's just human nature to wonder about those kinds of things. I hope that anyone going through this horrible mess will take their time in deciding what to do, because you cannot solve the what if's in a day, or even a week.....This all takes time, so take YOUR time in making a decision.

Holidays And Living With Infidelity

How does a person who's going through infidelity and all it's pain get through the holidays?  I know how hard it is because I have been there.  For the many years that I went through holidays, pretending to be happy when I knew things weren't  good. I had children so I had to make the best of everything but my last holiday with my ex was when I started to finally see that he wasn't trying to make things work. He wanted me to sweep it all under the rug and just get over it...Nevermind that my feelings were hurt. I decided that I didn't want to be miserable any longer. I did what was best at that time, and I played nice....however, once the holidays were done, and I saw no improvement from him, I knew that I was the only one trying to work the relationship out and after much thought and talking to a friend of mine, who just so happened to be a pastor, I felt it was time for me to move on....and as much as I didn't want to leave my comfort zone, I did just that....after the holidays were over. I found myself finally able to face the fact that nothing was changing and they weren't going to. Years and years of having to deal with his infidelity, his harsh words towards me, his treating me like I was a nobody was going to come to an end.  I got brave enough to walk out.....of course, I was working and able to stand on my own....I knew it was the right thing to do at the time.  For anyone who's wondering what to do about infidelity, you must first look inside yourself and decide if you are willing to try again, or if you are just tired of it and ready to start on your own...no one can tell you when that time is, or if it's the right thing to do.....you are the only one who can make that decision. I tried for years to make things better and they just never got any better. Once the holidays were over, I made that decision. Think carefully before you make a decision. If you have to sit on your decision for a short while, then do so. Just take your time deciding because it's you that has to live with  what decision you've made.

My Past Feelings Of Infidelity

Although much time has  passed, I feel as though it's been a true lifetime that I was in this relationship. Gone is my life that was full of stress. I still remember the days when he came home from work, and me quickly going through his phone and writing down numbers and listening to the other women's messages while he was in the shower....and always being in a hurry before he found out. What a horrible time in life that was for me !  I am not the kind of woman who believes that a woman should just go and check her hubby's phone just for the fun of it.... but in my case, there was way too much evidence of his infidelity, and he was telling me that it was all in my head. I felt like I had to defend what I was hearing. I mean, even when the other woman wrote him a love letter, it was proof right in my hand, but he firmly denied it all.
Thinking that you have to prove your point is honestly a very bad place to be in...and I know, first hand, what that all felt like. Some people believe that once you have a small amount of evidence, that that's enough to break apart your marriage, but me, being a firm believer in marriage and true partnership and the fidelity of vows, I felt like I had to have more proof at that time...would I do it all over again?  Well, I probably would have, if it was me having to deal with the same man and his sneakiness. My ex made me feel as though I was losing my mind...and he was good at playing mind games. Having the strength to make my decision to just walk out was one of the hardest things in life I have ever had to do, but today....I am so happy that I finally decided to stand up for myself.
Today my self esteem is back to normal and I feel like a new woman. Never again, will I allow a  man to tear me down to the point that I was back then. It took time....too much time, I feel, but it was all worth it.

My Ex Came Over......

Wow...what a shock to my life...he actually came over to the house. This man has never had much time for anybody else except himself and his other woman, but he  managed to come over yesterday. He came for a very good reason....to see our daughter. Her 18th  birthday passed about 10 days ago and he was finally coming to see her. He was amazed at the beautiful woman that she had become and she was VERY happy to see him. They talked outside and I took a couple of pics for her so she could add to her picture book. He knows that she will be leaving to the Navy in less than a month now and to be honest, although he still has time to come back and see her, he probably won't. He gave her some advice, that I had to translate for her, but it was to" have courage", and to" work really hard at doing her best".  I cried when I went in the house because I didn't want him, nor her to see my tears, but reality just blasted me in my face, screaming out how much I wished that he would have worked really hard for our marriage, or at being a better father than he was. All in all, I was happy that he came to visit her...it meant alot to her, and to me. I am also VERY happy that I am NO longer in a relationship with this man.....it gave me an open-eyed  view of the woman I am today and how far I have come in this journey.

Learning To Love Life After Going Through Infidelity

I feel as though my life has come around in a circle. When my ex and I first got together, we were so very happy. I thought that there was no other feeling of joy like it. What went wrong? Why don't marriages now-a-days seem to last? And if they do, what are the secrets to making it last? Looking back on my past with him has led me to believe that for some reason, I learned a whole lot from this experience....and yes, I did have to get my heart stomped on and torn apart to learn.  Why is that? Aren't we supposed to find a partner, lover, friend, and be with that one person for the rest of our lives? What is changing that in today's world? I know, so many questions, and not too many answers. Did I have to go through the pain and suffering of my husband's infidelity to find out that sometimes you don't always find the right partner the first time?  Who knows, but all I know is that I am happy once again. Life is NOT about someone else making you happy...it's about finding things to make yourself happy in this life.  You've only got one life, and you must make the most of it. It's not a good thing if you are unhappy all the time. What makes you happy? For me, just living life to the fullest, seeing my children and grandchildren, having my pets, and finding out that you can't always have what you want, only what you need. Love is grand, and so is life.

Looking On The Other Side Of Infidelity And Heartache

Did you ever wonder, while you were going through the pain and heartache of infidelity with your partner, that you would ever come back on top of things? I did, and for a very, very long time, I didn't know if I would ever get over him.....no matter that he hurt me, cheated on me, lied to me and tore our family apart, there were STILL times that I loved him.  I married him with the mindset of "forever".  But what is forever, if the love of your life doesn't treat you the way that they should? How could he have actually loved me and cheat on me? That was one of my biggest questions of all times, along with "why?"...and guess what? Neither question got answered. I always got the "I don't know" answer. Honestly, I spent WAY too much time trying to make things go the right way, and without his help, it just never got better. I grew so tired of worrying about where he was, who he was with, and what was going on behind my back. Did I ever just wonder if there was life on the other side of it? Well, not at that point, I couldn't see anything else but my heartache and pain.  I am here to tell you, that you have to love yourself enough to see that if your partner is NOT willing to work on the relationship with you, then you need to let it go. Two people have to work at it for it to actually work.  And in the situation I was in, I was the only one willing to do the work. Didn't work. Now, after all these years, I can finally see that life really WAS on the other side of infidelity. Not everyone cheats. Believe it or not, and there are some good ones out there.  But it takes time.

Why Do We Always Remember The Good, And Sometimes Forget The Bad?

I look back at my past relationship and for a long time, I wanted it to work so badly, that there were times that he hurt my feelings terribly, and I would eventually go back with him, forgive him and all of a sudden, I was missing the "good" in us and not focusing so much on the "bad". Why do our minds let go of the bad when they cheat on us? Or perhaps it's not our minds, but our hearts that are taking over. I believe that there are many times when our hearts want one thing, and our minds want something totally different. Love can be so hard sometimes. I am very glad that I was strong enough to walk away, especially after having it happen over and over again....it would have never stopped. He was just way too interested in having more than one woman. I look back now and wonder why I put up with it for such a long time.  I know that it had to have been my heart holding on for so long, because my mind knew better, but the heart won out for it seems like forever. Today I am happy and a much stronger woman. Being in love is wonderful, but when you start getting cheated on, your life just seems to fall apart. Onward and Upward for me.....and have I forgotten the bad that he put me through?  No, but it has faded more back into the memory bank and today I am thankful for having been able to finally move on.

Cheating, Cheating, Cheating.....

What's up with all this stuff in the news and it's always about someone cheating on their spouse or loved one.  Why is that?  What seems to be going on with people who just can't seem to find happiness with their spouse?
 Is there anything that can be done about it? And aren't you tired of hearing about it? As you can see, it's not just us common folks, but celebrities as well....and it doesn't seem to me that beauty plays any part of it.  A famous person can have an adorable looking spouse and will still cheat. That just goes to show you that it's not about pretty or ugly...it's about something that's missing inside of the person that's doing the cheating. To this day, I have really never found out why my ex cheated. His other woman wasn't prettier, skinnier or smarter than me, but he felt that it was something in her that he needed that I couldn't provide, I suppose. To think about it, cheating has been around since way back when.... I guess it will never end. So how do you go about finding someone who WON'T cheat?  Good question, right?

Is Anything Uncomplicated In Life?

Sometimes I wonder what's going on in this world... I look around and see so many of my family and friends going through marital problems. I just have to wonder what's going on. I saw on the news that the most reasons that people divorce are due to  cheating and money problems. Why do people get so bored in marriage that they find the need to go out and cheat on their spouse?  Does it solve any problems? No, it doesn't...it only makes things worse. Money problems are almost always a problem, especially in this economy...but cheating has been around since forever. Do you think that after divorce comes from infidelity, that the next relationship is any better? What about trust?

Commitment and Chores

I wonder sometimes, what it would have taken, to be accepted by my ex, as the only love of his life. At one time, I used to be, but I don't know what changed. What makes someone commit to loving one person, then , somewhere along the way, they change their mind, decide it's okay to take that leap of going out and having an affair behind their spouse's back? Why would he have decided that it was okay? Sometimes, it seems that life is blinding....only because you think that everything is okay, but they really aren't.
Making a commitment of marriage or being in a committed relationship should be just that--a commitment. Do we just suddenly grow tired of the same ole every day life experiences? Is there any way to change this?
I just feel that life is life....bills still have to be paid, no matter if it's a truck note, house payment or just the monthly electricity or water bill that comes along....and kids, if you have them, need to be nurtured and cared for.. Cooking dinner, washing the laundry all has to be tended to, unless you have a daily maid to do it for you, so once the newness of a relationship or marriage wears off, and daily life is staring right directly at you, these are all things that must be taken care of. Do we get so caught up in life that we let go of our newness of vowes? Aren't they just as important as the chores, if not more so?

Learning How To Move On After Infidelity

Honestly, moving on after infidelity is one of the harder things in life. You get married, make a family together and work on a daily thing called life. Having that special someone to have your back whenever you need them to becomes an essential part of being married. Trusting your partner to be faithful just comes naturally., at least it did for me. I never in my wildest of dreams ever though I would be cheated on. So, after all the heart wrenching pain, the crying, the wondering why and what can be done to fix it is over, how do you move on? Can you move on? Certainly, but it might not seem like it when it's all fresh. I have to admit it, but it DOES take TIME to get through infidelity. It took me alot longer than I thought it would, and it seemed to have sucked the life out of me. I lost so much time going through the pain. I think that the first step in moving on is to make sure that you are at peace with yourself. Don't wait until you have all the answers as to why this happened because, unfortunetly, like me, you might not get all the answers. So that means that you have to try and get past the unanswered questions. Having someone to talk to really helps. Sometimes other people can sort out something that we just didn't see before. You need to know that you are going to be okay and that you will get through the pain. Sometimes doing something extra special for yourself helps as well. Take time to heal, and don't rush through your feelings. Move on at your own pace, because nobody can tell you how long it will take you to do so. Finding something positive about yourself also helps. New hobbies are great and will also get you out into the world again, but a little at a time. Finally, know that it takes TWO people to work on the problem and if it's just you and it's one-sided, then it probably won't work. Take care of yourself, because you ARE worth it!

I Think He Lost My House

Well, if you have been following along, you probably know that I signed over my half of the house to him because he was really bothering me, trying to get me to pay on HIS credit cards so I just gave him what he wanted. I gave him "our" house, the one that I picked out. It's been years now that we have been together and he finally told me that he was moving in with his Other Woman. He wanted me to take over the house, but he wanted like 5 thousand dollars, on top of that, for me to pay the back 2 years of taxes he owed AND the 3 thousand he was behind on the payments. I just am not able to do that, nor do I want to bail him out once AGAIN. He told me that he wanted to keep the house because he thought I was going to go back to him again, but since I didn't, he moved in with her and is no longer interested in keeping it. My grown son was going to step in and take over but being as young as he is, just starting out and all, I doubt that anything happens. I know the man who bought and financed the house for us, but my ex told him that I was the one who walked out....basically true, but he didn't bother telling him WHY nor that he cheated on me with several women and that he wasn't willing to make things work. He always makes me look bad, but at this point, I really don't care. I know the truth, he does too, but he just doesn't want to make himself look bad. All in all, I guess that house was really never meant to be "ours" because right from the moment we moved in it, he was starting up his old ways and all I had was suffering from his games and other women.
Sometimes you don't want to let go of something that truely meant something to you, but then again, there are times that you just HAVE to.

He's Gone and I Don't Have To Put Up With Infidelity Any More

After all this time has passed, I sit here and wonder what my life would have been like without ever knowing him. Did I even gain anything by staying with him for such a long period of time? We have our daughter, who is the biggest blessing you could ever imagine, but what else do I have to take along with me as I ponder upon my past? Did he teach me that even though I thought I had a wonderful marriage, that it really wasn't that wonderful at all? Did he teach me that you can never take anything for granted? Honestly, being with him was good for a short while. I have walked away from this knowing that life is too darned short to be miserable all the time. I have learned that time is precious and we never know what tomorrow will bring. Do I have a trust issue when it comes to other men? I don't think so, because no two men are alike. I think that there are some that will cheat, and others don't even think about it. I know that being in a cheating relationship did nothing for me at all, but waste my valuable time. Why I held on for years is beyond me, but I loved the man, that's all I can say. What I can do now, is keep looking toward my future, putting one foot in front of the other, knowing I don't have to put up with any more infidelity from him: he's gone and I am glad about it.

Do You Love Someone Who Doesn't Love You Back?

Did he tell you that he loved you and committed himself/herself to you but now it's all gone? What makes a person want to hurt someone else? I don't think it's intentional, but things happen sometimes that are out of our control. I knew that he loved me when we got together, and the happiness that we shared was real. We had a beautiful daughter and we were joyous ! Somewhere he must have felt that it just wasn't enough, because he chose to seek someone out and carry on with another woman. This did not last a short while, but a very long one. She must have just been waiting for every chance that she could get with him and she did not care that he was married or had a child. Did I still love him even though he hurt me tragically? Yes, I did, and he told me that he loved me too, but how could he have? Was I in love all that time with a man who only tolerated me because it was easy for him to let me be his housekeeper and business care-taker? Did he actually ever love me? I think at some point, he did, but why he chose to "love" or "lust" someone else is still a mystery to me, and I think it will always stay a mystery.

What Have You Learned About Infidelity?

Seeing him now only makes me think about what could have been, and luckily, I don't see him often. We learn from our mistakes as we grow, and no matter how old we get, we still learn new things every day. I have come to learn that no matter what happened to us, his cheating on me was NOT my fault. We split up over it and divorced the first time I found out, but I came back again to work our problems out after a separation of nearly a year. I tried to the best of my ability and I have learned that no matter how hard I tried, it didn't work because HE was not willing to work out his issues.....therefore, it happened again. The second time around we had been back together not even a couple of months when I found out and then I discovered his cheating.... not only once, but with 2 women the second time around. I spent the next 3 years trying to work through it and found that I just couldn't do it. I have learned that I am not in control of anyone else's actions, but my own. I have to stand up and acknowledge that I tried with all my heart, but it just wasn't enough. Sometimes this is a hard learned lesson.

Did He Have Way Too Much Freedom?

I ask myself this, knowing the answer was probably yes. I am a very trusting person and have always been that way, wanting to believe the best out of everyone, especially the one I was with. If you are going to have a good relationship, you have to have trust. I thought that he would be true to me, because HE wanted to be true. Boy, it just didn't happen that way. What in the heck was I thinking? I go around in circles with this sometimes because I still wonder what went wrong. He had a self-employed business which meant coming and going out for jobs at different times of the day. Geez, wasn't the man busy enough with all his jobs? Why did he have to "find" time for another woman in his life? Was she needy? She most likely was someone who needed a man, and since he was a handyman in his business, this probably fit her needs perfectly. Why did she have to choose him? More importantly, why did he even want her? I had needs at home too!

A Family Torn Apart

Agonizing over being apart was hard enough. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't we have worked out our problems, and why were they so hard to deal with anyways? It wasn't like WE had differences or really heavy duty problems. We were getting along just fine, that is until SHE came along in his life and got in between us. That's what happens when one partner steps outside the marriage/relationship and turns to an outsider for comfort, or someone to "understand" them or whatever it is they offer to our mate. We had been getting along fine so I don't know what made him turn to someone else to begin with. I wished it didn't have to be this way, because now we are a family "torn-apart".

Did I Just Waste My Time?

I feel like I have wasted many years of my life with this man. He wanted to get married, and I wanted to wait. I should have listened to that "gut" feeling I had and held off on tying the knot. But no, my heart was willing and anxious to be with this man til death-do-us-part. At first, the marriage was wonderful. I guess that's called the honeymoon phase. But even after that wore down, we were still alright. We had our daughter and about the time that she was 2 yrs old was possibly when things started going downhill. I spent countless days, months, years of my life being a good wife to him. I look at things now, and I wonder if anything could have changed his cheating on me. He didn't cheat on me in the beginning, so what in the world changed things to make him think it was alright to do this to me? It saddens me to think that I just wasted my time on this marriage, even hoping that things would have worked out for us. Did I waste my precious time?