Was There Any Hope Ever?

Sometimes I think back and I wonder about all of the bad things that he has put me through and I stop and wonder if there was ever any hope for us at all. I don't know if anything could have changed the past and I wonder if there was, what it would have been. Maybe if I had not tolerated some of his behaviour in the beggining, things would have ended differently. I wish that I could have spotted some of the signs of his infidelity in the beginning, but it was just so difficult for me to see. Why does life have to be so unexpected? Why couldn't he have just been content with me? I wished now that I could have been more alert about the signs when they started, but I trusted him so much and didn't ever think that he would have done this to me and to our relationship. I feel like I lost alot of time in my life with him.

Did I Just Waste My Time?

I feel like I have wasted many years of my life with this man. He wanted to get married, and I wanted to wait. I should have listened to that "gut" feeling I had and held off on tying the knot. But no, my heart was willing and anxious to be with this man til death-do-us-part. At first, the marriage was wonderful. I guess that's called the honeymoon phase. But even after that wore down, we were still alright. We had our daughter and about the time that she was 2 yrs old was possibly when things started going downhill. I spent countless days, months, years of my life being a good wife to him. I look at things now, and I wonder if anything could have changed his cheating on me. He didn't cheat on me in the beginning, so what in the world changed things to make him think it was alright to do this to me? It saddens me to think that I just wasted my time on this marriage, even hoping that things would have worked out for us. Did I waste my precious time?

Looking at yourself

I started looking at what was going on, or what I assumed was happening, and even though I wondered about him and wanted to know why this was going on, I stopped and looked at myself. I wanted to know what I was doing wrong and what I could do to make things right. I began trying to find ways that I could improve. Maybe I could paint my nails up differently, but really that wouldn't work because I couldn't paint my nails because I was working in a job that my nails would not survive painting and beautifying. Well, maybe I could go and buy new clothing. Would that make me look better? I had clothes. I am not a shopper, but I did have some nice things, so the only thing that would do for me would just be to make me feel better. I wanted HIM to make things right. How could I accomplish this? I looked at all the things that I might be able to change to make things better. I was not coming up with any answers.