Trusting Is So Important

When I discovered his cheating, on top of the shock, I felt be-littled. I had trusted him so much but he violated my trust. He felt like his telling me how sorry he was meant that I would immediately trust him again. That didn't happen. I was not about to let my guard down again, especially only on his word of trust. Trusting your mate is one of the most important parts of being together. During the time I suspected his cheating, I spent countless hours checking behind him, and I felt like I wasted precious time. I totally wanted things to be back to our "normal" life again, but it would never be. I even tried staying with him for a while after he apologized but he wasn't willing to work things out with me, the other woman kept calling and for me, with no trust, I wasn't able to build a life back with him. How important do you believe trust is in a relationship?

Another Message, But Different Voice

One day, we decided to go and visit my daughter, who was about 6 hours away. I was in shock because he never went many places with me. Wow, he was giving in to what I wanted, for a change. He seemed to be at ease, perhaps knowing that I was trying to move on with life, and he settled down some, keeping more to his work than ever. "Could this man really love me like he said he did?" Was this the miracle I was waiting for? I don't know, but we got to my daughter's house and the visit went well. I can't tell you how much he seemed to be relaxed. One night, before we were about to turn in for the night, a phone call came in on his cell. We didn't answer it in time, but there was a message, and as I started to listen, my stomach turned into knots. I so hoped that our troubles were over. The message was from a different lady. She had a very sweet and high pitched voice, much different than "the other woman". "Hey, I need 32.59 to pay a bill." was what the message said. What the HECK was this all about? I let him listen and he made no facial expressions to give him away, and all he said was " I don't know who that is", maybe it's a wrong number. What do you think? She made no call of his name, or anything else. Just needing money. I wanted to dismiss it, but just couldn't.

What Can We Do About Change?

Life is hard, having to go through infidelity. We marry or get with another person to spend our lives together, sharing with that other person. Things can go along great for awhile. Then something happens....but what is it? How do you know when things are changing? Well, you don't always know that, especially if your lives become really crazy busy. What about when children start coming along and there are more obligations to attend to than just "you and him"? Oh, let me tell you, sometimes life gets going along ever so quickly that it blindsides you. Work is hard, coming home exhausted, our lives get busy and wow! the next thing you know, your routines get in an uproar and there you have it--- change. When things start changing, we don't always stop and address the issues. Maybe we should. Maybe we need to keep a closer eye on things. I wish I knew the answers here. I thought that things in my marriage were going great. I mean, after all, I was working, keeping up with all the housework, the cooking and the laundry. I was taking care of "our" children and he should be happy, right? I was even making special time for "us". What in the world happened to us?

What about "Us"?

With the "other woman" becoming more confident of herself, I grew more and more insecure. I don't like feeling like that, but I felt like I was put into a position that I had to defend myself, and everything that I knew about our family being together. Didn't it mean anything to him that we were a family? For me, family is everything. Why couldn't he see that he was putting "us" in jepardy? Didn't he care that I would find out about her calling him again and leave again like I did before? Was this fun and games for him? Oh, I know, perhaps it was challenging for him. He must have thought that living on the edge was entertaining. Geez, I couldn't believe that I was going through this once again !!!

Hiding Things

So, if he is hiding money in his van, that makes me curious as to what else is he hiding from me.. and to tell you the truth, I didn't even know. He has a right to have money to spend, but what is all this extra money doing hiding in his van, and what is it's purpose? You know, this hiding attitude really does make someone even more curious and suspicious than ever before. IF he doesn't have anything to hide, then he should hide nothing. This sneaky behaviour had me thinking about the past and what was going on. I wondered if there was more to it and if I should go looking again... I didn't want to but he had my curiosity peeked to the highest level here.

Hidden money

So, when you ask those questions and get no answers I guess it means that they don't want to deal with you or with what's going on. To this very day, I still don't know why he was hiding money in his van. And this became frequent as time went on. He did not allow me to ride in the van with him very often. We always had to go places (which was rare we went together) in my car. There were times that I had to get into the van, and I found money stuck in all kinds of places. What was this for? I STILL got no answers. Sounds a little funny to me, that there would be $20's and $100's stuck in various hidden places in his vehicle.

Continuing on

Maybe he just wanted me to try again and since I was trying, he was confident that he could do as he pleased. Well, one thing about him coming home and staying in the garage was that I knew where he was. That was one good thing. I didn't trust him, I'm sorry to have to say, because he had put me through so much over the years. I wonder what happened. Where did our love and trust go? And why was this happening to us? There are so many people in this world that get married and stay married. Why did I have to have so much trouble ? Maybe I did something to deserve this? No, I don't think so, but it sure felt like it.

Forgiving

He was begging and pleading with me to as he said "it's over with, why can't you just forget about it?" oh, such classic words. It made me so mad when he said that. There wasn't any way that I COULD just forget about it. How are you supposed to do that? That was something simple for him to say. And he was serious about it. I tried very hard to be forgiving, but forget? Ha, that was another story. I felt stronger and finally decided to "forgive" him once again, after all, I had not actually seen them together but yes, I had more than enough evidence.

Talking to someone

So what do you do in this type of situation? First of all, when you are going through this, you feel like there's nothing that you can do. For me, it was like going round in circles. I kept seeing what I called was "evidence" but I never actually ever saw him with anybody. I never ever heard him talking to "the other woman". In my mind, I knew he was guilty, but inside of myself I kept thinking that since I didn't actually CATCH him then maybe he really wasn't guilty......yes, I know that sounds silly of me or rather nieve, but I am the kind of person who wants to believe the best in my mate. After all, we had been together for a very long time. Don't you think that after you are with someone for such a long time, that you should know them by then? What about giving him the benefit-of-doubt? Well, that's what I was doing but it just wasn't working for me. Something had to give here, as I was growing tired of all the "antics" he was putting me through. I had to search for answers. I was very lucky that I had my parents, although they lived 1100 miles away, THANK GOD for telephones. Do you have someone who you can trust? Someone that you can talk to? This is one thing that I honestly belive will help.

Things are really changing

This went on for awhile as I just couldn't believe that he would be treating me so bad. I kept busy, working, taking care of my kids and trying not to let his behaviour bother me. One of my friends had asked me "hey girl, when did you and him get divorced?" I was stunned when she asked me this as she was the one who introduced us and I answered her with "we haven't". I of course asked why she would ask and she told me that she and her sisters had seen him in a near-by apt. complex where they lived and he was with another woman. Actually, he would go over there and be inside for awhile, coming out with his hair all messed up... WHAT????????? This was NOT him. He NEVER went outside with his hair messed up.. He was a natural born primp-in-the-mirror kind of guy. And she said he was there EVERY day??? oh my goodness. I asked her what she looked like and when she described her, I knew exactly who it was. She was someone that I had taken to work for a little elderly lady that was a client for HIM. He would go to this elderly lady's house to do repairs since her husband was sick and this GAL who my friend spoke of was an in-house nurse for her but she didn't own a car and we would occasionally give her a ride if she didn't get one for the day. I was all confused about this, but I just thought that maybe he was there waiting on her to get ready for a ride. Well, she was getting a ride alright. Let me tell you what I did on my next post.

day after day

Once our daughter became around 3, almost 4 yrs old, things were starting to change. He was in control of going back and forth from this job to that, being self employed and going when the calls came in. There were calls back to back and times he would come home in between so there was never a set time for being home. But then I noticed that there were some late night calls. ok, I said, it happens. But to be really and truely honest, I really did trust him. I didn't even think twice about him being on a late night call. Some places, especially business's need to have late night calls, or people working until late needing estimates for a job. This went on for awhile, but then came the late night call but him coming home and taking a shower, changing into nice clothes time. Still, I trusted in him. He was a good provider and he was a hard working man.