Are You Staying With Him For Your Children?

I stayed with my ex for way much longer than I should have, of course, I can say this now....now that I am on the other side of things. Going through infidelity really hits hard, and I can say, it honestly does have an impact on the entire family. My daughter was young and she didn't know what was going on because I held my tears a good portion of the time, and my son was old enough to figure out what was happening because he was a teen. My ex never "yelled" but when he got mad, he would say extremely bad things to me, call me names and said things that are hard to repeat. I tried not confronting him when the kids were home because I didn't want them to hear how he was, however, there were times when HE started in on me, trying to get out of the house by getting me upset, so he got out of the house whenever he wanted. Why did I stay with him? I wanted my family intact. I shouldn't have stayed with him for that reason.....well, and I loved him too so it was hard facing the fact that he had another woman. It was much harder being a family when he honestly didn't want to be there. He wanted to be with her, and that was all he thought about. He was in and out so much that he made it hard to go out as a family. I found out it was heartbreaking for me to stay with him when he didn't want to work things out. Are you staying to keep the family together?

Are You Afraid Of What Family Or Friends Will Say?

I am not the kind of person who worries about what my family or friends think of me because that's just who I am, but when it came to my ex husband cheating on me, I did wonder what they were thinking. I wondered if they may have thought it was my fault for not being able to keep him from cheating on me. I, of course, wanted them to help me through that horrible mess. One thing is true, and that's that no matter what anybody says, even when trying to console you, it helps but it doesn't change the situation. If your partner is cheating on you, not even words can change that. You find yourself struggling to figure out what to do about the cheating going on behind your back. Family and friends most often have alot of words of wisdom, but not always the best solutions. What I did, was gather all the info I could, then make my own decision about what was to be done....however, nothing changes if BOTH partners don't want to make it work. Just remember, let your family and friends help you through this hard period of time, but they cannot make the decision about your life.... that is your decision to make.

Once The Infidelity Starts, The Family Life Crumbles

Not only in my own experience but I have seen other situations unfold as well, that once one partner in the marriage or relationship makes the decision to cheat, normal life as it was known before that point changes drastically. They think that maybe they won't be noticed spending more time away from the family....maybe they think we won't notice that they are making changes right before our eyes, and the worst part of it all, is that sometimes we don't notice. Maybe our spouse cheated on us, not meaning to, and tell it that it just happened and they don't know why, but I believe that in some rare cases, this could be true, but most of the time, it just goes on and at that point, it's a choice that they make to do so. Family life starts to suffer because they are taking more and more time away from family things. At some point, they become more distant in the marriage as if we are not of the most importance. Once infidelity starts, family life will suffer because it's not only the "family" anymore. They have decided to bring an outsider into the mix, even if we don't know, there can be serious fall-out. How do we know if the other person they are seeing is free from disease? We also suffer because they are spending family money on that other person, so they are taking away from family money as well. Sometimes the cheater carries on for a long time and once the cheater is caught, trust is gone. Why don't they see that their actions really can devistate the whole family? Maybe they believe that they will never get caught, but most of the time, they do.

What A Loss...A Man Who Calls Himself Her Dad

Here, yet another day, another drama going on with my ex. Wish it would all just go away--the drama, that is. My son went to visit my ex and my daughter was asking how her dog was doing. One dog went with us, and the other dog stayed. My son said that he didn't see the dog (Chewy) anywhere so he asked where he was. My ex told him that the dog died.....but he failed to let our daughter know about it. The dog must have died somewhere around Christmas or maybe even perhaps before. We were never told about it, and for sure, he didn't let our daughter know about her dog. Oh my gosh, the tears started flowing again....it just seems that her dad keeps letting her down in all ways. What could I say? What could I do? I told her that I was sorry that he didn't inform her about it and told her to try and call him....well, of course, he didn't answer her calls, so basically, it's down to him calling us whenever he wants to and expects us to answer but he doesn't want to answer when we call. What happens if she really needed to get ahold of him? He is just not there for her at all. This saddens me, but by now, I have come to know how he is, and she as too. What a shame and what a loss of a man who calls himself her dad.

All Of Her Tears Came Tumblin Down

As you know, my youngest daughter is now a teen. She is old enough to understand what is happening and she also has had to endure the fact that her dad no longer comes to see her. She has finally grasped the fact of who he is and is accepting that he just doesn't have time for her. She's smart and well-rounded, does great in school and is working her way towards going to college to be an equine vet. She's starting to drive a little now--heck she's just growing up so quickly. My ex called me and finally admitted to me the truth of him and the other woman as I stated in mylast post. This past Christmas, he told our daughter that he was alone during Christmas and that he had not gotten any gifts, making her feel really bad for him. I told her back at that time that he just wasn't being honest with her and for what reason was unknown to me....maybe he wanted us to feel sorry for him, but let's not forget that I know this man so well. She happened to run into him at the store last week and he was not his normal VERY skinny self. She told me how he had this belly on him and he was not skinny like he used to be. Again, I told her that he was not alone like he has been telling us all this time and that he must be eating good and how his lady must be cooking alot of good food. Today when she came home, I had to tell her about her father moving because he will no longer be as close to us anymore. He won't be far, but just not close as he was. Down came the tears. She was so upset about him moving away, even though he has not come to see her. I told her that she needed to be happy for him because he wasn't alone like she thought he was. She finally got over it and now she knows that he is not just sitting alone in the house by himself. I am relieved that he has come across with some truth in his life.

What Does My Ex Expect Of Me Now After Divorce?

Well, to be honest, my ex better not expect anything of me anymore. I was married to him and wanted it to last for the rest of our lives, but it didn't happen that way, so now, he's on his own. My ex spouse has asked things of me since I left, though. He wanted my help on fixing his taxes...yes, that's right. He trusted me on helping him. He also asked my help with my allowing my name to stay on the electric and phone bills, which I did with a time limit to allow him enough time to get them into his own name. What does my ex expect of me next? What ever comes next, he's on his own and I am done with all those little things that he needs to have done. He's with the other woman now so she can get those things done for him. I am not going to allow him to demand anything of me anymore, those days are over. I don't have to answer any of his calls, unless it's to talk to his daughter, but honestly, since she's a teen, he can call her on her own phone. He has decided that he doesn't want to know about her grades in school, or make any decisions that he's entitled to. What can my ex get from me now? How about a well behaved ex wife who doesn't scratch his eyes out for cheating?

He Called Me To See How I Was

I paused for a moment because right in the middle of working, I got an unexpected call.  Oh my gosh, it was from him.....my ex, who I have not heard from in MONTHS!  I saw that he had called one other time that I didn't hear my phone ringing. What could he possibly want? Why did he call? He never calls anyone. He had always told me that he doesn't like calling anyone but if they want to call him, then he will talk. That's a suprize, I guess he needed me to help him do something but what could it be?  Well, much to my suprize, he didn't want anything. Now, although I was amazed by this, I just couldn't help but wonder what he was up to.  He asked me how I was doing....wanted to know if I was okay and what have I been doing.  He said that he hadn't heard from me in awhile and he was curious.  Ok, by this time, I was floored.  That man hardly NEVER called me and it's been a very long time since I have seen or heard from him.  We ended the conversation nicely but it still left me leary of what he was up to.  Could he be having second thoughts about what he did to our family? Perhaps, but honestly, it's too late now. I thought that his call would take me back a notch or two, but I am happy to say, it didn't.   I am still on my way to recovery from this whole mess.  Thank goodness.

What Do I Want For Christmas?

What do I want for Christmas this year? Usually, I am not really picky about what I want because I am just grateful for what I have been given. Sure, a new robe would be nice and a new box of goodies sound nice to have but what I want most in life is to have peace. I want to be able to go through every day living with peace in my heart and song in my step. I have focused so much on what I haven't gotten with my ex, and how so many things went wrong. I need to try and focus now on what's new and upcoming for me in the future. I have been truly blessed with my children, my family and my friends. I have been blessed with fairly good health, and I need to stand up and start taking better care of ME.

What Does Christmas Mean To You?

What does Christmas mean to you? To me, it isn't all about spending every last dollar you own on buying presents. I discovered a long time ago that when children are small, they don't always keep up with every single toy. Christmas to me has always meant family and friends. Moms, grandparents, children, aunts and uncles all gathering around the home for food, drink, talk and laughter. What if you are newly divorced this year and you haven't a clue about what you are going to do on Christmas? What if your life is just in limbo? What do you do? How about making some new memories? If you have children, you can find new projects to do with them. Riding around looking at other's Christmas lights is something enjoyable. Baking cookies together is another thing that you can do together. How about wrapping presents together? Making Christmas cards is also alot of fun. If you are strapped for cash this year, why not go in on a drawing with your family members so you don't have so many to buy for? This year, my daughter is getting one big gift item and a few small ones. For me, Christmas also means that God is still here for me and my family, even if my ex isn't.

Is She Still My Aunt?

What happens when you divorce and you HAD nephews and nieces that once called you aunt or uncle? Do they still continue to call you that? Are they still your relatives? That's a hard question because I once went through that situation and ended up with half of them still calling me aunt and the other half not. Of course, it does hurt your feelings if you were really close and then all of a sudden, due to the divorce, they no longer consider you family, even if you have been with that family a very long time. When my older children once asked me if I was still the aunt to one of their cousins I told them yes, because I was their mother and they are a part of me, so that didn't change anything. If their father chose to get married with someone else, they might be a step-aunt but I would still be an aunt because of me being a mother to my children... I know, sounds very mind boggling. What do you think about it?

Visiting The In-Laws At Christmas Time

Christmas is coming and we all know that while we are married, we have our fair share of going to the in-law's house for celebrating. Now, I never had the chance to go and visit my ex's in-laws because they live in Mexico and my ex told me that we couldn't ever go there because someone might take our child....yes, I think now that he just told me that because he didn't want me to find his hidden secrets there......but what about you? What do you do when you are no longer married to your ex and you have considered his family "yours" for a very long time? Do you still go and visit them, despite the fact that your ex might be with someone else? Do you still give them gifts? You can't just turn off your feelings because your ex has suddenly decided to put you out of his family...that wasn't your choice. Well, in my opinion, if you were close to that family, then you still have the right to go and visit them, especially if you have their grandchildren. What are you going to do this year, visit the in-laws or not?

Counting My Many Blessings

I write this post because I have so many things to be thankful for. It didn't have to be this time of year, however, I feel I need to write this because I just lost my mother and I have so much inside of me that I need to release. My mother was so in love with my dad but he passed about 5 years ago and she never got over losing him. Mom was such a wonderful woman but she truely believed that she could not live alone, so she found a boyfriend...however, this boyfriend was not a good one. He lived off of mom, allowing her to pay all the bills, groceries and support him while he worked and made money. He went through all of her inheritance from dad and from grandma as well. She even cashed out a life insurance policy for him. The things that I discovered while cleaning out her affairs were shocking. Was she just paying for his love? I will never know. Today I am no longer with my ex because I made the choice NOT to put up with his cheating any longer. I didn't have to have another man to immediately take over for the one that I lost. I have had to learn how to stand up and be my own person. I count the many blessings that I have learned how to be more independant. I wished that my mother had been able to do that. I am so blessed to have been given my wonderful children who are all grown, and one teen, but they all show me their support and love. I am so lucky. What blessings are you counting this season?

Thankful For Thanksgiving

Here it comes, a wonderful time of the year and there is so many broken hearts. This is such a bad time of the year to have to deal with all that's going on. Normally there would be mass pandamoniom getting out and finding the right turkey for baking, writing down a list of all the extras that's needed to make all the fixins to go with it, and not to mention the dessert that's so delicious after the meal is done and ready to eat later in the day while the football is on the tv. Yes, that's right, for me, that's the traditional day and once everyone's fed, I normally get all the dishes done and take it easy for the rest of the day, knowing that all the fantastic shopping will start at 5 am the next morning. I love it, and I love what Thanksgiving is all about. Being thankful for so many things that I have been given....but this year, it seems that things have changed a bit for me. None of my children will be coming because everyone has their own agenda. I have lost my mother and for me, that's a big issue to deal with and I haven't allowed myself to really cry about losing her yet. I need to try and get into the mood of the holiday season, knowing that I won't be with my ex this year and need to start anew. Any suggestions?

How Can My Ex Forget He Has A Daughter?

Today of all days, I just seem to be feeling some anger. It has been many, many months since my ex has come to see our daughter. Our daughter is a very beautiful teenager. Her and I were talking this morning on the way home from the barn and her English riding lesson and I got a phone call from a relative and he and I were discussing the fact that his new partner got mad at him for calling up his ex to see what kind of medicine their son was on because he was coughing so much. I was livid!!! Every father has a right to call the ex to see about their child. That child doesn't have just ONE parent..... which lead my daughter to ask me about her father and why he doesn't call about her, or even come over. I had to explain to her that since her dad is self employed, he has weird working hours and sometimes doesn't have alot of extra time, but that he is welcome to call at any time he wants to see how she is, and he is also welcome to come over to my house to see her at ANY time. Heck, he is even allowed to take her out when he has time at any time on any day !!! I have removed the barrier of certain weekends or whatever so that I can accomidate him because I know how important it is for a father to have communication and visitation with their child. I felt so upset that she is without her dad. He and I still speak occasionally, and we get alone just fine, but somehow, some way, he has totally forgotten about her. He doesn't call. He doesn't come over. How can my ex forget that he has such a wonderful daughter? I honestly do not understand!!

Putting On An Act

There were times that my mother and dad would come to visit. I was so happy to see them as they had moved out of state and was far away. I was really busy with kids and working and taking care of all of the household duties that when they came, it was a time of visitation and relaxation for me. During those visits, my husband was very kind. My mother seemed to see right through him though, because she would sit at the kitchen table and try to talk to me about how he was taking 4 and 5 showers a day, going out after each one all dressed nicely. My mother saw those signs and tried hinting to me that some of the things that he was doing just wasn't normal things. I didn't want to see it. I only wanted to skip over the topic and pass it all off to the fact that he was a really hard-working man and had to clean up after each job. Heck, he was a plumber and odd-jobs worker so I made up excuses for him, which I realize I shouldn't have. She was only trying to point out those signs to me and I didn't want to face them. He really put on the sweetest face while my parents were around, always being of the most politest person. I sit here now, wishing that I had faced what she pointed out to me, but just couldn't see it at the time.

Why Does He Always Think About Himself?

Is he just a vain person and I didn't see it? Doesn't he think about anybody else besides himself? I called him today to see if he was going to participate in our daughter's upcoming 15th birthday party and all he could talk about was his problems. He had had an accident a week ago, which I didn't know until today and someone had hit him from behind, leaving him with a rental car until the whole mess is settled. He talked about how he was having to deal with a salesman over another used car because he couldn't get fixed and he was ranting and raving about the insurance company and such. He says he might not come on Saturday because he is not sure he will have a car. I offered him a ride but he didn't want that. He didn't want one of my older children to come get him, and even though he is trying to get a car within the next day or so, he still was ranting on. Our daughter's 15th is very important and throughout the whole past year he knows I have been planning it. He didn't want to help me with it, and he didn't want to contribute anything to it. He said he would come, and now he is backing out. I even had to call him 20 times before he would even answer my calls. I have done everything alone, and he still doesn't want to participate. Why is he so self absorbed? At least he has a rental car. Isn't his child more important?

No Fairy Tale Endings Here

As a little girl, I grew up with the notion that we get married, move into a little house with a white picket fence, and have children. Boom, end of story, with every day being the best it could be. I don't know where I got this from, except that maybe from the fairy tales stories that my mother always read to me. I sure got gyped that's for sure. There was nothing even near this kind of life for me. I so much wanted to have that fairy tale life, of course, understanding that every single day cannot be a piece of cake. I know that there are many hurdles in life, most of which, you have to struggle and learn to deal with by yourself. But the ending never even came close. I got married, had children, but somehow didn't make it to the fairy tale ending of the story. I have to accept that. I have to start all over again. I honestly married him for love, good or bad, rich or poor. Why did he have to cheat on me? Wasn't our marriage important enough to save?

Does Your Ex Participate?

When I was going through my divorce, my ex was right there, ready, willing and able to participate in our daughter's life. After a little while, and he saw that we didn't have any hope of getting back together, he just all of a sudden, stopped his interest. His caring of how we were doing totally came to a hault. He no longer called ten times a day, begging to get back together. He stopped calling to see how our daughter was doing. He no longer had a desire to help be a parent. I was very hurt by this because I believe that together or not together that all children deserve to have both of their parents available to them at any time they need. Children are innocent in divorce and have no say about things until they reach a certain age. They don't get to choose if we stay together or move away. I was not happy when my ex chose not to keep in contact with our daughter. She needed him. She needed to hear that he still loved her, no matter what was going on with us. My ex just stopped participating in being a father, and I don't understand why. He always says that he is too busy, but when do you get so busy that you can't be a parent? Why would a man just quit being a father? I am totally confused at his actions and don't understand where he's coming from.

He Sure Spent Alot Of Time In That Garage of His

I see now, looking back, that he sure did spend alot of time in the garage with all of his tools and things. I didn't really think much of it because I felt that even though he wasn't in the house, he was still home, doing manly sort of things around the house. What I didn't see was the fact that he began slowly spending less and less time with me and the kids. I wonder if he was trying to avoid me, but still show me that he was home. Did he think that maybe the other woman would be calling and he didn't want me to hear his phone ringing? I don't know why this has just barely come to mind, maybe just another sign he showed that I never saw. I guess I was so trusting of this man, that I never questioned it. If you suspect your spouse is cheating, monitor his actions before you say anything. If you have any doubts, you can keep a small notebook and dates of his odd behaviours and compare it. I never even saw this coming until it hit me right in the face.

I Came Across Some Pictures Today...

There they were, all stacked neatly in my little covered tub, all tucked into the envelopes along with their negatives. I wasn't planning on looking at them, but I had to dig in there to find some pictures to give my son who was looking for baby pics. Tears began rolling down my face as I saw a precious memory of him standing there holding our daughter when she was just a baby. He was smiling, standing proud and it seemed like the whole world was glorious at that moment. What do you do about those old pictures ? I don't want to get rid of them, because I am sure that our daughter will want them when she's older, and rightly so, they are part of her past. Closing the top of the container, I felt a rush of hurt run through my body, but as much as I wanted to dwell on it, I just needed to drop the matter and go on with my day. I think that I will keep those pictures and not peek into the box for a long while. What a shame that those wonderful memories had to die. I thought we were a team.