The Other Woman

Finding myself was the best thing for me in all of this. I was still hurting and lonely because I was by myself. Sure, the kids were there, but I was sleeping alone. My heart was torn apart. I wanted so much to find that other woman and confront her. What good would that do for me? I was spending countless hours divulging myself in questions about her and what she looked like and what she was all about. I shouldn't have worried or wondered, but I am only human. Of course I wanted to know the intrigue of this other woman. I wanted to know what she had that was so much better than me. My journey continued on....I was trying to give myself time to come back down to earth. I wanted peace. I wanted love. Why was this so hard to find?

Finding "me"

So, the burning question here is "How can a person love you and cheat on you at the same time?" That is the question that probably will never get answered. Or you might here the "I don't know" answer, which doesn't help at all. If I could dig deep enough to hear a productive answer, one that might help me see what was wrong with "US" then I could try and correct whatever it was. All I got was nothing. I was still getting the denial. What a treat, here I was, moved out of our bedroom and he was still denying everything. I used this time to strengthen myself. I needed to feel like a worthwhile person. I needed to feel loved and needed. I spent this time trying to find "me" again. And it was well worth the time, believe me. I got my hair done, started watching what I was eating, taking long bubble baths, and just trying to take care of myself....but it was NOT for him. It was for me. And it was a much needed break for me in all of this.

Getting help

As time went on, things were still hard on me. I still couldn't get those private phone calls and letters to him out of my mind. And then to find out, HE was the one ratting me out by telling her that I was on to her calls. For the short while I was moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room, things calmed down alot. I was starting to think that maybe things would get better. I started to "work" on myself. I needed to take care of ME. I got into some counseling sessions to try and help me figure things out. "Was I going crazy here or what? And why was "I" the one who needed help? I was not the one cheating. I was not getting private calls." Honestly, the counseling helped me to HEAR myself. I was NOT going crazy and the private phone calls WERE from someone real. I was not imagining all of those hang up calls and the letters that came in WERE for him, addressed to him and they meant something. Having someone to HEAR what I said was so important for me. I still had the burning question inside of me asking "Why would he or could he do this to US?"

Answers?

Why can't we have a partnership as beautiful as this perfect flower? It has a beautiful blend of colors, just like a partnership/marriage has a blend of our temperments and differences..it has a vibrant color, just like the vibrancy that's supposed to be in a relationship. It is open like we should be with our partner, and it is so lovely. Why does going through infidelity have to be so hard? Why can't we have a more open-ness and talk about things? If there's a problem with our partner, why can't we talk things out to make things better? Why does there have to be another person involved? I seek the answers to these questions.

Do you ever wonder why?......

that you spend so much time consumed in WONDERING? I just couldn't help myself. I wanted facts, or did I ? I wanted to know what was so appealing of the "other woman".
Why was she so wonderful? What did she have that made her better than me? Did she do things that I didn't do? Oh, the thoughts went on and on. It is just enough to drive one crazy with the wondering. I felt like I was always going in circles wondering. And then, I have to stop and ask myself, why was I spending so much time wondering. I guess I spent so much time on it, was because it was something unknown. It's a mystery almost as to why someone could "love" you so much and then go out behind you and hurt you so much. I mean, if you are with someone, and you are meeting all of their needs, and things seem to be going along ok,or even great, why is there a need for another person to interfere with that? What does that other person bring to your relationship, other than heartache and pain?

Wondering about the cheating

I don't know why I spent so much time consumed in this. I was a good woman, and I catered to him like crazy. Nothing worked. Nothing I did was able to stop the cheating. I also wondered about the other woman. The first one I caught him with, well, actually, they were coming out of her apt. That didn't PROVE anything beyond the shadow of a doubt. But she was not what I would call a beauty. She was not skinny. So, what was it about her that made him want to be with her instead of me? Oh, I wanted to know the answers. I even asked him and all I got was pure denial of his infidelity. He was not guilty, so he said.

wishing and hoping

Day by day, time went on, and I had to face him and I knew in the back of my mind that he was cheating on me. He still denied it. Oh, I had so many things go through my head. I wanted to buy one of those gpa and put it in his truck, but heck, they were just coming out at the time and I could not afford something like that. I even thought about buying a small tape recorder and sticking it under his van seat.. no, that wouldn't work either. What could I do to find out? I still questioned myself as to whether I was just thinking wrong or was he really guilty? I wondered why I was spending so much time and energy on this....well, it was because I was in love with this man and I wanted things to be alright again. Wishful thinking

Dealing with my partner

Now, you are probably asking "why would I only move out of the bedroom and not out of the house?" however, I felt like I had no choice. He was NOT going to move out again especially since this was our second time together, and I couldn't afford to move out on my own. Sure, I made good money, but I had 2 kids to still support, and since we had gotten a divorce back several years ago, he was still obligated to pay child support and I knew that this was not enough to live on, even with my jobs. This was tough as I had to see him daily and at first he thought it was a joke. He would see me and smile really big and tell me hi, and this made matters worse. What do you do with a partner who doesn't acknowledge there's a problem?

Getting Brave

I was getting brave. I got online, I called my dear family friend, who was also a great counselor. He gave me some questions for thought: "what did I want in life? Is this the life I want? Is this my future? What do I want in a relationship?" He made me see that things weren't right. If there's nothing to hide, then you don't hide nothing. So, phone calls shouldn't be coming in marked private. The forum on ivillage also had some very strong support for me as well. This was not the life that I wanted. This was not fair at all. So, what did I do? I moved myself out of our bedroom and into a spare bedroom. And as you can guess, it wasn't easy.

Facing what was happening

Talking to an old friend of my family was so helpful to me. I was so desperate for someone other than my parents to "hear my story". I felt like the world had stopped and nothing else was going on in it. Yes, the daily business of life always takes first place, but I had stopped wanting to go out and enjoy the very things that I loved to do. I didn't attend any more movies, not much shopping and things just felt like they stopped for me. I was wanting to tell my happenings to someone to get their opinion. I wasn't ready for anyone to tell me exactly WHAT to do, but I wanted someone to at least hear me, someone to make me feel like I wasn't alone in this. Believe it or not, I even went on Ivillage and joined the forum there and annonymously talked to the others who were going through this. Oh boy, this made me feel like I had others to back me up in this. I had to soon realize that I was NOT crazy.. there really was someone on the other line of his phone. There really were hang-up calls. I had to face what was right in my face. It hurt so much.

Talking to someone

So what do you do in this type of situation? First of all, when you are going through this, you feel like there's nothing that you can do. For me, it was like going round in circles. I kept seeing what I called was "evidence" but I never actually ever saw him with anybody. I never ever heard him talking to "the other woman". In my mind, I knew he was guilty, but inside of myself I kept thinking that since I didn't actually CATCH him then maybe he really wasn't guilty......yes, I know that sounds silly of me or rather nieve, but I am the kind of person who wants to believe the best in my mate. After all, we had been together for a very long time. Don't you think that after you are with someone for such a long time, that you should know them by then? What about giving him the benefit-of-doubt? Well, that's what I was doing but it just wasn't working for me. Something had to give here, as I was growing tired of all the "antics" he was putting me through. I had to search for answers. I was very lucky that I had my parents, although they lived 1100 miles away, THANK GOD for telephones. Do you have someone who you can trust? Someone that you can talk to? This is one thing that I honestly belive will help.

My man was the snitch

What happened to all the exact hour phone calls? They stopped immediately. Wow, what a relief. But I didn't really get the relief that I wanted. Private calls started in again. And another letter through the mail. Mom was right about one thing.....he MUST have been contributing something toward her or she wouldn't be calling so much. It turned out that HE was my snitch. He was reporting back to her that I was on his back about the calls and THAT'S why she stopped. She must have been afraid that I would call her job. Actually, I did try that but since she worked at a factory, I only got workers and they acted like they didn't know what I was talking about. My own partner was the one who was stopping the calls, but not because he told her to quit, it was because he told her that I was becoming more and more suspicious. What a crock....I felt so angry. He would never ever admit that anything was going on. He still denied phone calls even though they were right there in my face. What's new?

Too many phone calls

Mom was right indeed. When I was growing up, I always found that mom was right most of the time, so why was this time any different? Well, it wasn't different this time. She was right. I would get brave enough to tell him that SOME woman was calling and it was a set pattern to it, and I wanted to know what was going on. I became downright demanding at times because I was so tired of it all. He was still denying it all. I asked him "WHY would she be calling so many times a day, IF he wasn't calling her back?" He tried to make me think that it was all her and she was chasing him. Then one day, the calls just stopped. Wow, that was a miracle. What happened?

My mother was a great advice-giver for me

In answer to my mother's question as to Why was this lady calling HIM so much? Well, I wanted to know. I became downright angry about it. I was mad alright....and I was convincing myself that SHE was the one who was chasing him. She must have been running after him because "he doesn't call anyone" as he said. I wanted to know the answers. I wanted to know why would she keep on calling him IF he was not calling her back.. Was there no way to stop this? Was my mom onto something that I just didn't know about? Mom said that he MUST have been talking to her at least SOME times in order for her to be calling so much. Let's face it, she was calling him every morning before her work started, every break and lunch period and when she got home from work. Why would she do this if he was never talking to her? I just didn't want to think about it, all I wanted to do was to make the calls stop. I just wanted some peace.